Saturday, 19 January 2013

Piranhaconda - Half Fish, Half Reptile and Completely Stupid (2011)

Michael Madsen playing Michael Madsen
Rachel Hunter (Yes, that one. Rod Stewart's ex.)
Rib Hillis in a vest (That bloke out of Dinocroc)
 Shandi Finnessy in a bikini
Terri Ivens in a bikini top
A slack handful of other young ladies in bikini tops
A bloke in a horrible shirt
Some guys in black shirts

Definitely not starring:
The girl on the DVD cover. I'm sure I'd have noticed.
Helicopter gunships.

Produced :
For Sy-Fy by the same team that did Dinocroc vs Supergator
Which explains a lot. 

   A hapless film crew is kidnapped by a gang of ruthless kidnappers but as both sides are about to discover, there is something else in the jungle with them.  Turns out the Polynesian legends about a gigantic, maneating River Monster were 100% true.

  Why do I keep doing this to myself?  Why do I keep watching these low-budget CGI-fests?

 Well, to answer my own question, there's always a chance they might be entertaining. And if all else fails, hey! I have some material for the blog.
  For some strange reason I find it easier to write about films that suck. A good film finds me struggling to explain why you should trust my opinion and watch it while for a bad film I can just let rip. "Piranahaconda" is easy to write about.
  If you haven't guessed yet, "Piranhaconda" fails at being entertaining. Let me explain why with this handy, illustrated checklist:

Dodgy CGI: Yes.
Dubious acting: Yes
Dreadful dialogue: Yes.
Film theme apparently recorded by a bar-band, with lyrics written on the back of an envelope, if not made up on the spot: Yes
Characters utterly failing to notice something the size of locomotive creeping up on them: Yes

piranhaconda eating blonde
(And it really does get that close before she notices)
Locations that look suspiciously familiar: Yes.
 This is the base for the bad guys.  
This is a cap from "Dinocroc v Supergator."
 It's not just that one spot either. Watch both films and you can't help noticing that their characters go for a dip by the same waterfalls and spend a lot of time driving down the exact same road.
Hollywood star who goes back to his trailer every night and stares into the mirror with tired eyes, wondering how his career could come to this, while the whiskey bottles pile up in drifts on the floor:  Quite possibly.
 Michael Madsen is one of the better things in this movie but... 
Michael Madsen bandana
For some reason I'm having trouble buying this man as a Herpetologist. 
Women in bikinis getting eaten: Yes. Alright, so a few of them are wearing t-shirts but the director knows his target audience.
Shandi Finnessey bikini
The lovely Shandi Finnessey. Blonde so an airhead, naturally.
Shandi Finnessey ass
 And the director treats us to a lingering close up of her bum. Because he can.
Terri Ivens bikini
 Terri Ivens - brunette so allowed to be smarter. Still breaks out the bikini though.
girl screaming horror film
I never did find out who this is. Her role is pretty much "Walk on. Scream. Get chomped."

Hero who could be parodying the macho cliches but probably isn't: Yes
Rib Hillis

Beastie that looks a bit silly: Yes.

Piranhaconda attack
 Piranhaconda his own bad self.
snake eats girl
Piranhaconda creeping up on some poor girl who doesn't even get a single line of dialogue
snake attacking chopper 
And snatching a chopper out of the sky. 
This scene is not as well animated as the cap suggests. 

Geeky, comic-relief kinda guy, possibly written in after the director had one run-in too many with annoying fanboys: Yes.
 In all fairness, if I were hugging somebody who looked like that, I'd grin like a buffoon too. 

 and finally we get:
Finale that revolves around luring the monster to a particular point then blowing his ass up because that's the ending in every single f***ing one of these films: Well I don't want to give the ending away. But yes. *sigh*
   The End
(Or is it? Dun dun Duuunnn)

  So to sum up, I started watching this film in the hopes that it might be daft but entertaining and ended up grimly slogging through it out of a sense of obligation.  
  Not as crap as "Jurassic Shark" though. I'm still bitter about paying £7 for that POS. 
 Here's the trailer if you're interested: 
  And how the narrator keeps a straight face is beyond me.

 See you next time.



  1. SyFy is a fabulous source for this kind of crap. How many more hybrid monsters can they think of? And how many do they think will be even vaguely believable?

    Love it - though I can't bring myself to actually watch these kind of films from start to finish.

    I usually switch off either laughing or ranting.




  2. An excellent comprehensive review of what looks to be one of the world's worst films! Very sad about Michael Madsen taking this role, but he's not the first actor I've seen in roles of questionable quality. Maybe the script looked good. And hey, not all blonds are airheads (although according to BC's resident know-it-all witch, I fall into that category >:-)

  3. Very lively review, funny and entertaining. If only the movie were that good.

  4. You have convinced me to watch this movie.


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