Wednesday 1 February 2017

Heavy Metal Covers Girls: Into The Woods

I noticed that a lot of Heavy Metal bands put attractive women on their album covers.
Here's where I post a few, linked by some sort of theme, and attempt to say something clever about them.   



 Today's belated post continues the theme of women + nature but this time around we're on dry land. 

  Not safely on dry land because as we shall see some of these girls are one wrong move away from being in a Grimm fairy tale.  

 Our theme tonight is The Woods and the covers can generally be divided into two camps. 

1. Women enjoying the tranquillity of the forest and the beauty of nature.

2. Women alone in the forest and ...Oh what the fuck was that noise behind me? 


Let's go for a walk in the woods. 
Hold my hand...
and maybe we'll come out the other side.  

Tatiana's Niovi - Breath Of Light (Greece 2012)

    That look you get when you point out that a ballgown isn't really hiking gear.  
You know afterwards it's going to be your fault the dress got stained.

It's debatable as to whether this is even Metal. It's quite mellow.
FFO Within Temptations' softer moments maybe.

Savn - Savn  (Norway 2014)

Some poor sod of a props man had to lug that piano all the way into the woods. 
Unless there was a piano already there in which case the weirdness just gets better and better. 

I am very impressed with this band. The lead singer has an angelic voice and there's a decent amount of crunch backing her up.

 Serphika - Despertar EP (Argentina 2014)

I have no idea why she's staring intently at a fistful of prawn crackers.

There's no confusion about whether this lot are metal. None.


Ides Of Winter -Minus Twenty°   (Canada 2016)

   This is the sort of cover that makes me wonder "What's the story here?" - besides somebody freezing their tits off. 
Who or what is she looking at?  Is it somebody she expected to see, which is why she doesn't seem afraid.
How is she walking in that ice in those shoes? 

Ides of Winter are a lot darker and Blacker than I was expecting from the CD cover.


Mortimer's Mercy - Black Heart (Norway 2013)

Sometimes the girl who's all alone is the most dangerous thing in the woods.

This is straight-up HM.

Everfall -From Beneath The Shade (Bolivia 2016)

  "I'm cold, I'm fed up, I want to go home and I swear I just heard a wolf.
Next time some bloody Goth suggests a moonlight party in the woods I'm kicking him in the dick."

There's two bands called Everfall.
This band are Symphonic Metal. The other lot are Dweath Metal.
Try not to get them mixed up.


Dark Lambency - Spectra (Belgium 2016)

  Unless you like anal probes, I suggest you run.
Run away now

Dark Lambency are Power/Prog Metal with some nice synths.


Savatage - Edge Of Thorns (USA 1993)

I owned this album on cassette for almost 20 years before I finally got it on CD.
That's when I finally noticed the creepy-as-fuck face in the background. 
And I literally only noticed the crocodile 2 minutes ago. 
In my defence I may have been distracted by something...

Savatage are one of my all-time favourite bands.
This video features the underrated and much-missed Criss Oliva on guitar. RIP. 


Ragnaröek - Dornig (Germany 2015)

In this version of the Snow White story the wicked stepmother remembered that 
she was a frigging witch and just used her satanic powers instead of faffing about with apples. 

German Folk-Metal bands seem to really like songs about getting hammered.
I'm cool with this.


Torment - Повешенный  (Russia 2009)

See, I told you we'd make it out.

No I am not going back in to find your bloody tarot cards.

If there's a video on Youtube I can't find it. Oh well.

I hope you liked the album covers and although I take the piss, I do rather like all of them.
I also hope you found a new band to check out.

If there's a theme you want to see that doesn't involve rape, murder or hairy armpits please leave a comment below. 

That's All Folks. 

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