Things I would do if I were a Champion of good.

This is another piece that got written years ago and then dumped into a folder. Blatantly ripping off the Evil Overlord list, obviously.

Things I Would Do If I Were A Champion Of Good
1. I would not get too hung up on prophecies. Especially ones that suggest I will destroy the world.
2. The Love Of My Life will damn well take lessons in swordplay, archery, map-reading and first aid. 3. If she is already expert in these things then I will take lessons from her.
4. I will never ever let my crotch do my thinking for me.  Any attractive woman in a slinky dress headed my way has just got to be up to no good and will almost certainly cause The Love Of My Life to stomp off in a mood.
5. Having said that, I will make a point of listening politely to whatever they have to offer. It might be useful and if a femme fatale is going to be hanging around I’d rather have her intrigued by me than actively pissed off at me.
6. I will never order my companions not to follow me into danger. I could probably use the extra help and chances are they will turn up anyway.
7. If  the Evil Overlord is dangling from a cliff I will not reach down, take his hand and try and pull him to safety. I will make sure no one is watching then stamp on his fingers.
8. I will not let any of my companions become the butt of everybody’s jokes. I do not want anyone around me who is resentful.
9. If I ask for ideas I will save time and start with the humble serving girl who tagged along by accident.
10. My companions will be an even match of classes, gender and species. Rather than have them bicker constantly I will encourage them to bond through shared activities and the occasional sing-song.
11. My advisers will not be all male because I don’t think deciding the fate of the world should be done in the pub.
12. My advisers will not be all female because I want advice not nagging.
13. At least one of my advisers will have the sole task of making sure I don’t ; A) Get too fond of good living B) Get too angst-ridden C) Get accidentally caught in a bath with a mysterious, seductive lady just as The Love Of My Life walks in.
14. If I find myself in a place where everything seems perfect and the natives are unusually friendly I will not let any of my companions go off on their own, I will not let my weapons be taken away and I will not eat any mysterious roast meats.
15. I will make life easier for myself by telling The Love Of My Life how I feel about her. I will not try to force her away “to protect her”. It never works and just makes everybody miserable.
16. If a magical weapon takes a piece of my soul, leaves me half dead or crazy or attacks anyone that gets too close I will lock it away and find something non-magical that works almost as well.
17. Again, any weapon that only I can use will be backed up by a plentiful supply of weapons that anyone with a pulse can use. Crossbows or muskets would be favourite.
18. In every village that is being terrorised by an Evil Overlord or Thing That Comes After Dark there is at least one person who has a vested interest in things remaining as they are. I will save myself a lot of grief by locking this person in  a cellar until it’s all over.
19. I will always be polite to old men in robes, especially if they have a long stick in one hand.
In fact I will be polite to everybody. You can get a lot just by asking nicely.
20. If I develop magical powers I will keep quiet about them until I can find someone who can teach me to use them safely. But I will not be ashamed of them.
21. If someone has killed my father/mother/hamster I will not charge out of the crowd the first time I see them. When I see my loved ones in the afterlife I don’t want to have to admit that their murderer is A) still alive and B) now has the full set of heads in jars. Because I tried taking him on when he had fifty armed men around him.
22. I will listen to the people around me.
23. I will talk to the people around me. And I will never feign madness or disinterest to draw out my enemies. It only confuses my followers. If I have to find enemy spies I will covertly arrange for a mind-reader to run a quick scan on everyone.
24. I will never allow anything to be grafted onto me that has a mind of it’s own.
25. I will never arrange a secret meeting of all those opposed to the Evil Overlord without setting up a warning perimeter.
26. I will not let my female followers wear chain-mail bikinis. Also I will not let my male followers wear studded cod-pieces . They will dress to blend in, with a nice all-encompassing mail-shirt  underneath.
27. Anyone that shows up from a strange exotic land will be made welcome and encouraged to share his fighting techniques with my followers.
28. I will not wear golden armour into battle unless I have a death wish. If I must wear mystical armour I will damn well camouflage it.
29. When my army storms the Evil Overlords castle I will study the floor plans first to make sure we don’t get herded into a courtyard surrounded by high walls and with each exit sporting a portcullis. Or as it’s known in the trade, a deathtrap.
30. If my best friend starts acting strangely I will find out what the problem is. He could be under some compulsion (see a wizard) hiding a secret illness (see a doctor) about to betray me (have him watched) or in love with the Love Of My Life (In which case I arrange for him to meet her sister)
31. Mentors die. I will expect this and learn to deal with it.
 I will never try and disguise myself as a woman. Yes it might be convincing but do I really want some sex-starved guard trying to grope me?
32. If any of my companions are hot-tempered, xenophobic or just plain stupid I will not let them out by themselves, especially in taverns or when visiting elves.
33. If I am trying to introduce modern weapons and tactics to a tribe and someone objects I will calmly point out to the more intelligent warriors (in private) that they were getting their butts kicked so maybe their tactics weren’t so good after all. Once we start getting a few wins then maybe the others will come around. If they don’t, well, they can be first into the next attack.
34. If my code of honour is putting me in a situation where I have to stand by and let evil happen then I think I need a new code of honour.
35. I will train the women of the village if they ask me to. Chances are they will get caught up in the fighting anyway and I would rather they knew what they were doing.
36. Well-motivated, badly-armed amateurs can beat badly led, well armed-professionals but I personally would rather lead well-motivated, well-armed, well-trained  amateurs just in case we ever run into well-armed professionals who are also well-led.
37. I will not trust priests, fat merchants, dancing-girls or anyone too-obviously trying to be my new best friend.
38. I will sort out my logistics.
39. My commanders will be people I can trust not to charge on sight.
40. Can the Evil Overlord really only be defeated by bringing back some mystic artefact from the other side of the world? I will have someone try taking him out with a poisoned crossbow bolt first.
41. I will be very suspicious of blank areas on the map. Likewise when I find a temple/fortress/city that isn’t supposed to be there I will not cheerfully swan in through the front door.
42. The enemy of my enemy is not always my friend. Especially once our mutual enemy is out of the way.
43. When I finally discover the Hidden Temple/Royal Tomb/Sacred Cavern that is the point of my quest I will allow for the bad guys showing up two minutes later. They always do this. They also set off any booby traps too.
44. I will not tire myself out by taking on the Evil Overlord’s lieutenant first. This is what Loyal Companions are for. (Another reason why you should always let them come along.)
45. Anyone that shows up at my HQ wanting to join up will first be stripsearched for tattoos that feature skulls, cobras, scorpions or the words “Brotherhood of Evil Undercover Division”  
46. When arriving in a prosperous, friendly small farming village I will not befriend any small children. That pretty much guarantees somebody will stick a spear in them.
47. I will insist firmly that The Love Of My Life wears sensible, ankle-supporting shoes. She’ll thank me for it next time she gets chased.
48. Bad guys do not accept battle without being sure they will win. I will undertake a little intelligence gathering beforehand to  find out why they are so confident.
 49. If my spies discover a mysterious wagon shrouded in tarpaulins in the middle of the enemy camp I will send someone in at night to burn it. It could be a secret weapon, it could just be his collection of teddy bears, either way, destroying it will hurt him.
50. I will enlist the services of a personal trainer, weapons instructor and fashion consultant. I will look better, feel better and be more confident. People respond well to this.
51. I will never take off on my own to think things through. That’s just asking for trouble.
52. Anyone that goes to a lot of trouble to seem humble should be watched like a hawk
53.  Most importantly I will always remember this: There is always another Bad Guy waiting his turn.