Been watching: Sand Sharks

A film about sharks that can swim in the sand. Starring Brooke Hogan.
How drunk do you have to be before that sounds like something worth investing in?


No scratch that. Available evidence suggests that the execs of Sy-Fy channel begin each meeting with a good toot of cocaine then throw darts at a list of random words. "Sharks...Sand... Sand Sharks! Yes! Make it happen. Can we get Tiffany for the lead?" "She's busy. But Hulk Hogan's daughter is available."
 As you can tell, I'm having some difficulty accepting  the Hulkster's progeny as a leading lady. And that's not really fair because she does try her best with what's been given to her and is significantly better than you'd expect.
 Anyway...
(Many, many spoilers below)
 The film opens in traditional monster horror fashion - somebody gets eaten by something we don't get a good look at  - before introducing Jimmy Green, entrepreneur, wannabe bigshot and cardcarrying wanker.

 Hate him. You know you want to.

 He has a bright idea for a new Beach Festival and talks his father - the mayor - into greenlighting it.
  Fifteen minutes in and we're already looking at ripping off Jaws, Tremors and Piranha 3D.
  Now Jimmy has a bit of history with the local Sheriff, mainly because  the last time Johnny tried to make money, 15 people died. It's never fully explained how but a shark may have been involved at some point. Oh, and there's the small issue of Jimmy having been married to the Sheriff's sister Brenda and abandoning her with a fistful of bills and few good memories.
 Brenda is the Sheriff's deputy, by the way. The only deputy.

 

Personally I think she's  the best looking woman in the entire film.

  Once we've established that Jimmy is a bit of a wide boy and only his dad is happy to see him, he brings in the rest of his festival crew.
 Now that's another thing I have trouble believing. Sharks that swim in sand are easy. Getting any kind of festival organised inside a couple of days?  Yeah right.
  Jimmy's team, incidentally, consists of a black guy who handles the IT, a female intern who handles... other stuff and a lawyer who quickly reveals her inner bitch. Every horror film needs somebody who deserves to be eaten. Guess who just shot to the top of the list?
 As it happens, Jimmy and his crew and the suspiciously small Sheriff's department meet up at the beach  just as a wakeboarder gets gobbled up. His distraught girlfriend demands that somebody do something and proceeds to lead them back to the spot where it happened.
That's right, boys and girls, she voluntarily goes back to the spot where she saw something snatch her fella. It ends badly, unsurprisingly,  but does at least mean that there's now official witnesses.
 The scene shifts to a small office where the island's businessmen are loudly protesting the plan to close the beach until the mystery beastie is killed. There doesn't seem to be very many of them.
Enter two people who will prove important later on:

 Grizzled, possibly mental, Shark Hunting Guy

Who announces that the mystery predators are Sand Sharks- sharks that live in sand - and he will kill them in return for lots of money

The gathered representatives of Commerce, Government and Law Enforcement react about as well as you'd expect.

Who's this nutjob, exactly?

  Bear in mind, at least three of the people in this picture were present when the shark jumped out of the sand and ate somebody. Small towns = Stupid.

 Once the meeting breaks up with nobody particularly happy, we are introduced to the next key cast member.  Shark expert Sandy Powers.

Yep, that's Hulk Hogan's daughter

  Sandy has a shufti at the latest victim and concludes that yes, he's dead and that a shark may have been responsible -  although she's having trouble establishing exactly what sort of shark.
  She has a suspicion that it may be a juvenile, though. Which is sort of worrying.
 Later that night, a couple of standard issue small-town numbskulls decide to go collect themselves some Shark Bounty.
In an inflatable boat. With shotguns.
I think I know where they went wrong

Duck

Shark

                                                            An easy mistake to make

  

 The cops find what's left of them on the beach the next morning. You can see Brenda and Sandy visibly thinking "No great loss to the gene pool"
 Despite the mounting death toll  Jimmy is still determined to put on his beach festival. And  being unable to get onto the beach is cramping his style slightly. 
 One quick phone call to a mate offers a quick, painless solution. The sheriff needs to see a dead shark, let's get him a dead shark.  Any dead shark.
 Which might have worked if the local cops didn't have access to a shark expert.
 Although you really don't need to be top of your field to point out that the shark has, in fact,  been dead a week.
 Undaunted by this setback, Jimmy continues with his planning. His internet campaign seems to be going well. He has a harassed intern handing out flyers down by the docks. Obviously  the crowds are going to be huge. and to put on a proper show, he has some specialists coming in.
 And then the power goes out.
 Why one of the sharks decided to chomp on a power line is beyond me. Presumably it didn't see "Jaws II"
  Brenda decides that Jimmy has got something to do with it and promptly nicks him.They share a tender moment in the cop car, talking about the past, before Jimmy engages Dick Mode and manages to piss Brenda off again.
   Oh, what's that over there?
 The sheriff has a bunch of strangers at gunpoint. Supposedly they are Jimmy's light & sound team but frankly I can see why the sheriff has a problem believing this.

 We are not murderers, honest.

 While Jimmy, the lovely Brenda, The Mayor  and The Sheriff continue to argue we now catch up with what Sandy has been doing lately.  Taking samples of...something, as it happens.  On the beach. On her own. In the dark. Without a BFG to hand. 

 I'd always assumed people who worked with sharks would possess a certain degree of caution. 

Apparently not. 

 Then again, she's a blonde in a horror movie so  the scriptwriters are not on her side when it comes to common sense.

 Soon some familiar pointy fins are circling ominously.
At his point the writers remember that Brooke Hogan is the biggest name in the film and she hurriedly scrambles to safety.  Now Jimmy, Brenda, The Sheriff and The Mayor have all wandered over in time to see this happen and The Mayor finally agrees that yes, there might be a bit of a problem here and yes, the beach ought to be closed.  Jimmy protests. Because he's an idiot.
 On the subject of idiots, remember Bald-headed Not A Murderer Guy? The one who stomped off to get the power back on? We'll see him again in a moment.
  First the Mayor decides to deliver a stirring speech. Something about not resting until the monster is destroyed and drawing a line in the sand.
 Anyone seen  "Deep Blue Sea" Remember what happened to Samuel L Jackson when he started with the speechifying?
 Yep. The Mayor gets chomped in mid-flow.
 Sharky isn't finished though. He's just spotted Bald-headed Not A Murderer Guy and fancies a second helping of Idiot Tartare.

I've found the problem. Somebody unplugged your island. 

Baldy has just connected his bits of cable when...

Chomp
Boom
And the power is back off again.

 On the plus side,the island may be blacked out again and Jimmy may have lost one of his murderers but the shark is now in many bits so everybody is happy.
 Jimmy grieves for all of a dozen hours before marching straight down to the now-open beach to get his festival up and running again.
" It's what Dad would have wanted" he tells Brenda. Funny how often "It's what he would have wanted" dovetails with whatever the hell people were going to do anyway.
  And now we go over to Sandy's improvised lab where she has chunks of slightly-singed shark under the mircoscope. There's also some handwavium about how the shark manages to swim in sand - something about shaped scales and vortices - which Lil Ms. Hulkster manages to say with a straight face. The more important news is this: Apparently our large, ferocious killing machine was a wee baby Sand Shark.
 Maybe the festival  should be put on hold for a wee bit longer.
 But back on the jetty eager funseekers are trickling in, ready to party.Wow, There must be  nearly twenty of them. Including these two stoners.

If you didn't dislike them on sight, then their battle of wits with a pair of girls would probably do the job.  Bump

"Watch it loser"

"Damn baby, I'd pop you like a pill"

"Screw a pinecone you crunchies" (At least I think that's what she says. Crunchies? Is that Valleygirl for "Smug twats"? Maybe she's alluding to their upcoming status as sharkfood. Whatever.)

 Back in the Mayors office Sandy and The Sheriff are explaining to Jimmy that his festival is back on the "Screwed" list. However, Jimmy flat out refuses to cancel his festival without certain proof that there's more sharks and proof there is none. Yet.

  Not exactly Woodstock is it? 

 Spot the producers girlfriend.

Correction.

Spot the woman who now has a restraining order against the producer after he was found in her back garden wanking into her bikini bottoms.

  Jimmy's festival may be going ahead as planned and a few dozen extras may be gleefully dancing to bad club music but not everybody is happy.  Sandy and the Sheriff are currently sat up on the headland keeping an eye out for pointy fins, while Brenda lurks backstage.

 Unfortunately she happens to run into Jimmy just as Evil Lawyer Woman grabs him and jams her tongue down his throat.

This ruins Brenda's morning.

Seriously, love, the guy's a douchnozzle. You're better of without him.

 Anyway, Brenda stomps off, annoyed, and when Evil Lawyer Woman realises that Jimmy still has a thing for his ex she mocks him for being a loser. I was actually rather glad when she promptly gets eaten.

Oh dear, what a shame.

I guess there was more than one Sand Shark after all. Who knew?  Jimmy finds this new development somewhat upsetting but still not sufficient reason to scrub his beloved festival. You have to wonder who he owes money to.

 Black IT Guy, on the other hand,  is firmly in favour of calling in the Plod and shutting everything down. And that's when Intern Girl makes her play for the now vacant Alpha Bitch position by concussing him with a bottle. She then demands a promotion to Jimmy's partner and suggest he run along and enjoy the party.

 Back at the festival and while a few dozen college kids are dancing like white people, The Sheriff is looking for anything that looks like a shark, Jimmy is wandering along the shoreline getting progressively more drunk  and our two stoners are in the middle of conducting a drugs deal. This involves getting one of the co-eds to show her boobs. 

 Sadly, just as the bra is about to come off our reluctant flasher disappears into the jaws of a shark and that's the party mood screwed big-time.

Oh Noes. The party has been crashed by bad CGI sharks. Who are unaccountably purple. 

 The extras begin screaming and running about like headless chickens. Well some do, anyway. The ones who weren't paying attention to the director can be seen still partying away in the background. 
 So Brenda grabs the mike and orders everybody off the beach.

 Just a Smalltown girl..Living in a Lonely world...

 Since College Kids in this sort of movie have the survival instincts of concussed lemmings the party-hard crew protest that she's ruining their fun, maaan.  After a couple have been chomped the rest take the hint and run for their lives. 

 Jimmy hears the screaming and runs over to...ask people to stop panicking and there's nothing to worry about, honest.

 (Depressingly, I have a sneaking suspicion that this is how a  lot of businessmen would actually react).

 Eventually he realises how dumb he's being and, taking Brenda by the hand, and they make it safe to higher ground. Well Jimmy does and 50% of Brenda gets there.

    Where does this bit go? 

Jimmy's first aid skills not being equal to the task of dealing with a patient who's been bitten in half,  Brenda gets the longest death scene we've had so far, hanging around long enough to hear  Jimmy admit that he really did love her and he regretted how he treated her. And to tell him that he's a jerk.

 Meanwhile Sandy and  The Sheriff have found some convenient rocks.  In a moment they will realise that they are, in fact, trapped.

 

  Realising that maybe reinforcements would be good, Sheriff decides to get on the batphone. It's a bit of a shame that his entire force is now propped up against her car, leaking blood and intestines and quite comprehensively dead. Alright, so it is possible for somebody to be technically dead and still make it back to the land of the living but when your lungs have just fallen out of the gaping hole that used to be your waist, I feel a  defibrillator is just not going to work.
  One awkward radio conversation later, Jimmy heads back to the mayors office. As he drives away, Brenda's body slumps to the tarmac with a wet, squishy thud.
 If you want to pinpoint the moment where everybody concerned finally stopped kidding themselves about the film they were making, that's probably it.
  However it's also the moment Jimmy begins to show hidden depths. Driving past the jetty he realises that there's a crowd of people hanging about waiting to get eaten and decides to take charge.
 Too late. The Sharks have arrived and weigh in with a  vengeance.

  Buffet time boys . Chow down!

  It will come as no surprise to learn that our two stoners laugh at Jimmy's warning and get chomped.

 Useful survival tip for monster flicks: Don't be a dick. 

 Here's where Grizzled, not so mental, Shark Hunting Guy pops up again. 

I got a megaphone and a gun. You ain't ignoring me now, are ya?

 Jimmy heads back to the station to rejoin The Sheriff and Sandy, now un-trapped.

Gratuitous shot of Brooke Hogan's bum.. Bet the Hulkster is so proud.

 After some discussion - and some frankly weird analogies from Shark-Hunting Guy once he crops up - a rough plan is formed.

1. Trap sharks.

2. Kill they ass.

3. Smack Jimmy in the mouth after this is all over.

 The specifics need to be worked on, obviously. And Shark Hunting Guy has an idea. Let Sandy explain.

 "So, just to be clear, you want to lure the sharks upstream and onto the beach and then melt the sand with electricity, thus trapping them in a glass prison. That's about right?"

  Well it beats going after them in a rubber dinghy with freaking shotguns, I suppose. 

 Sharks are famous for being drawn to vibrations  (This is the fourth shark movie I've seen where making a noise is part of the big plan) so the revised plan now looks like this: 

1. Use Jimmy's speakers to lure the sharks into the killing box. 

2. Use Jimmy's stash of Napalm  to melt the sand into glass

3. ..

Wait, what ..?

 Jimmy has frigging napalm? 

 Yes, he does break off the "I love the smell of napalm in the morning" line. No, we never find out why he's got military grade incendiaries. 

  Wiring the speakers up to Shark-Hunting Guy's old turntable and cranking up the "Ride Of the valkyries" the gang sit back and wait for the sharks to roll on up.Which they do.

 Now would probably be a bad time for one of the speakers to come unplugged. Which it does. 

 Jimmy volunteers to go plug it back in,  maybe proving that he's not a total dick after all.  

 There is a slight issue with the wiring though.

Oops.

 Surrounded by sharks, Jimmy redeems himself with a brutally simple Plan B.  

  "The sharks need something loud? I can do loud. I'm good at loud and annoying. Here we go."

 And breaking into a chorus of "Row, row, row your boat"  he offers himself as bait. 

  You know, I'm actually starting to like the guy.

Oh. Nevermind.

 Jimmy's act of heroism having worked a charm, our remaining heroes deploy The Napalm!

"Who's ready for some fried fish?!"

And it works beautifully. Sand turned to glass, sharks trapped and/or dead ...no wonder SHG is looking so pleased with himself.

This is never an expression you want to see on somebody holding a gun. 

Surveying the badly CGI'd carnage, everybody relaxes, not realising the film still has 5 minutes left to run.

 Eat it, Damien Hirst.

  But then  familiar looking purple, pointy fin glides slowly across the top of the cliffs (Sandstone, you see)  And it is frigging huge.

 Mama's home.

  The Sheriff and Sandy hurriedly scuttle back to SHG's shed. Which, as it turns out, doesn't really have that sturdy a floor. Once his gun runs out of ammo The Sheriff makes a beeline for the window, leaving Sandy trapped in a small shed with a pissed-off shark. 

   Luckily she saw "Jaws" and throws the napalm cannister into Mama Shark's gob. 

Chomp

Boom!

 We are covered in shark guts.Is the damn film over now? 

Not quite. Remember our intern? She has one final scene left.  Timidly emerging from the caravan where she's been hiding, she announces her plan to take over Jimmy's clients. And throw a beach party. Tempting fate? Not a good idea in this sort of movie.

Predator wannabe..meet bigger Predator

Roll credits.

 So in short, this is a fairly silly movie with dodgy effects, acting that's decent if nothing special and a central premise that's too daft for words. 

 I rather enjoyed it. 

 Sand Sharks is low budget fluff but done reasonably well and with a definite sense that nobody is taking it too seriously. The sort of film where taking the piss is a big part of the viewing experience, essentially.

 File under "After-pub Film

And let's finish with a final picture of Brenda. Just because. 

See you next time.