Film: Hansel & Gretel: Warriors Of Witchcraft (2013)

Starring

Fivel Stewart

Booboo Stewart

(Neither of whom wear anything close to the outfits on the DVD cover)

Eric Roberts

Vanessa Angel

Cherie Currie

(Yes, her out of The Runaways)

Tyne Stecklein

Judy Norton

Kathryn Collins

Niclas Gillis

  When troubled teen Jonah Mazer is sent away to an exclusive private school, his studious, sensible sister Ella goes with him.  Almost immediately Jonah has a run in with the king of the local Jocks while Ella meets the blonde currently top of the social pecking order.

 Then the twins discover that something strange is going on at  this school. People are disappearing. People are turning up with all their memories and spirit drained away. People are meeting up in the night to do weird ritual shit.
And Jonah has just been invited to join a very exclusive little clique...



I saw this in Asda and immediately thought "Ah. This is some old, low-budget, straight-to-video thing that's been dusted off and repackaged to cash in on "Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters"
 Actually no, this is a brand new, low -budget straight to video thing that's been hastily put out to cash in on "Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters"
  It is, not to put too fine a point on it, crap.
  The two young leads try their best but everything is working against them.
1. The story is a "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" knockoff...
Correction, the story is something Joss Whedon would scrunch up and throw back in the writers face.
2. The production standards are appallingly low. 
 How bad are they?  Well, the same random crowd shot gets used about four times and wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't being used to show two different schools on opposite sides of the USA. Then there's the way the same five or six extras can be spotted strolling about in the background of every scene , wearing exactly the same clothes every time.
 One lad has the most enormous afro so he's not exactly difficult to spot.
3. Once Ella embraces her destiny as a witch-hunter, she acquires a new mentor and begins her training
 Said training being, standing sullenly in one spot while swatting away tennis balls. It isn't even a montage. Five minutes of fending off tennis balls and that's it, young lady, you're ready to face the forces of darkness.
4. It's hamfisted.
 I plan to show this film  to my little nieces - well it's not like they're going to get remotely scared - and I reckon they could spot the Big Bad inside three scenes.  The people you'd expect to be the bad guys are, the people you expect to meet gruesome fates do and the person the producers want you to finger as the villain is so obviously a red herring that I felt somewhat insulted. 
5. The FX are crap.
 What there are, anyway. A few CG lights and a voice-synthesiser. Ooh, behold how much I am awed.
6. The fight scenes are also crap.
 And by fighting I mean, playground scuffling. Grange Hill did better fights.

So to sum up: Shite.
 The youngsters involved in this may go on to better things and I wish them luck. Meanwhile the career of  Eric Roberts continues to decline. It's getting to the point where I see his name on a film and I am guaranteed a snarky blog post.
How much did I pay for this: £4
Was it worth it: Did you not read the rest of the review?

I can't be arsed to put up screenshots.  But here's the trailer: