Assorted Thoughts From An Unsorted Mind: Cheapo DVD Review: Blubberella (2011)

For those of you wondering where I've been lately, I was on holiday. It was quite a pleasant week away and in the process I learnt a few things:

1. Parents don't like it when you get carried away and teach their offspring how to turn a newspaper into a cosh.

2. Drunkenly attempting to make friends with a cute Staffordshire Bull terrier may not cause the owner to freak out. But bellowing "Dogggiiiieeee!!!" from across the street and waving like a loon definitely will.

3. Kebabs in the Midlands are a thing of wonder. If you haven't tried Doner Kebab in Naan bread then I suggest you rectify this forthwith.

Anyway, this afternoon I picked up a DVD from Poundland. I took one look at the cover and thought "Yep. I can get a blog post out of this."

Blubberella is a Dhampir, Half-Human, Half-Vampire, who fights Nazis in WW2 Europe while wondering where all the nice Jewish boys have disappeared to.

When she accidentally turns one of the Nazis into a vampire, 'Ella has to team up with the local resistance to take him down before he unleashes a horde of undead Nazis on the world. If she can get laid in the process that would be perfect.

There is a school of thought that says Uwe Boll deliberately makes shitty movies but up until now I'd always given him the benefit of the doubt. If anything, I thought he was getting less shite as time went by.

Now I'm not so sure.

I think it was the tagline that first made me realise I was in the presence of failure. "She will kick ass with her big ass." Because - and this is just comedy gold, folks - the heroine is a fat bird.

Hoo boy, I had to duct tape my sides together after they split from all the hilarity.

It doesn't get much more sophisticated than that. 'Ella and comedy gay Vadge spend the entire film trading fat/homo insults and there is the aforementioned issue with all 'Ella's potential dates disappearing on cattle trucks heading eastward...

Uwe Boll trying to do comedy is bad enough. Uwe Boll trying to do edgy comedy is bordering on trainwreck.

As you can probably guess, the whole thing spoofs Boll's own "Bloodrayne" but with an unsubtle nod towards "Valkyrie" and presumably the writing team had just seen "Precious" because one scene takes a pot shot at that too. Why? F*** knows.

Why does Hitler show up with a blacked up sidekick pretending to be 50 Cent?

Why is there a brief subplot about a prostitute getting infected with vampirism that seems to have been written by a writer who hadn't seen the rest of the script and thought it was a serious movie?

Why did the whole thing come across like it was written on post it notes?

Do the writers even understand the concept of "Plot structure?"

What the hell did I just watch?

To put it into perspective: You know those deeply stupid parodies -"Date Movie", "Epic Movie" "Meet The Spartans" et al - less painful to watch than this.

In fairness, I suppose I should say that Lindsay Hollister and certain of her co-stars are clearly trying their best and probably deserve to be in a much better film.

The rest of the cast were apparently picked up on a local steetcorner and may well have been paid in soup.

So, to sum up:

How much did I pay for this? One shiny British pound that I could have spent on something better. Scouring pads for instance. I just realised that I'm out. Or a bottle of dandelion and burdock.

Was it worth it? Nope. I just fancy a glass of dandelion and burdock too.

I suppose I could try taking this down to CEX and maybe I could get 25p for it. The problem with that is, I'd have to admit to owning it in the first place. So as soon as I grab some screenshots this is going into the stack at the bottom of my DVD cabinet (What I like to think of as the Shelf Of Shame) and there it will gather dust and dead spider body parts.