Cheapo DVD Review: Raiders Of The Lost Shark (2015)

Reviewing the finest DVDs CEX and Poundland  have to offer. 

  Can we take it as read that the DVD cover and blurb were pulled out of somebody's ass and bear no resemblance to the actual film?   You OK with that?  Fine. Let's move on to the review. 

The story: Shark in a lake. It eats people. The end. 

  I started getting a bad feeling about this film within about the first ten minutes. "Hmm." I thought. "That bit of water that's clearly not ocean looks kinda familiar. And I've noticed that the cast all seem to have a way with certain vowel-sounds that's not American...."

  That's when it hit me. I'm watching another Canadian shark movie. Aw Crap.

 The last one of those I watched was Jurassic Shark. I reviewed it HERE but if you don't want to read the full review, here's the TL:DR version.  Jurassic Shark is shite. 

  I don't know if "Raiders.." is by the same people but I do know that the shark animator from that film ended up in this one. 

 The shark from Jurassic Shark

 And his twin brother from "Raiders..."

  Now I'm not suggesting that the producers reused shark footage from another film.....

 Well yes I am actually.  It's that blatant. 

  I'm also going to state for the record that this is one of the better bits of  digital FX.  Some of the other shots would get laughed out of a high school class project. 

   I can sort of admire the producers for getting this film made on what was clearly a shoestring budget. I can also give them props for trying to slip in some humour to grease the axles.  This was never going to work as a serious shark movie, so why not go down the tongue-in-cheek route?  That's worked really well for The Asylum after all. 

  The Asylum might have pulled this off. These guys don't. 

  The SFX are bad, the storyline may have been written out on the back of an envelope and suffers from a bad dose of silliness towards the end, the music was provided by a fifth-rate, hair metal, bar band (possibly paid in biscuits and gravy), the acting is....difficult to be positive about... and the humour falls flat. 

  Oh, guess how they finally dispose of the shark?  Have you seen any Stupid Shark Movies from the last ten years? Any at all?  

 Well, "Raiders.." uses the exact same method as every SSM ever.  God dammit, people. get some new ideas.  

How much did I pay for this movie: £5

Was it worth it?    When I bought the DVD  knew I was going to hate myself afterwards. I just didn't think it would be this much. 

Screenshot time. 

 "Hello. Let me give you a quick infodump on Megalodons and my theory that they might still be alive. There aren't any Megalodons in this movie so I don't know why I'm saying this.  No, I don't wear a bikini at any point in this film."

This is the most people you will see onscreen at the same time. 

"I'm going to wade into water that I know has a shark in it because somebody told me to. What could possibly go wrong?"

"Ooh that looked painful.  Not such a great idea then."

Gillian McKeith is making movies now? 

It's not a proper shark movie without a slightly insane Grizzled Sea Dog. 

"It was a shark that took my hand."

"Err...But you still have both of your hands..."

"This...isn't ...my..hand!"

 That's actual dialogue from the movie. 

I don't think I get Canadian humour. 

A topless Qubecois makes the most of her short scene.

I'm confidently expecting Google Image Search to give me more hits from this than everything I've written in the last six months. 

And this girl has just realised she's a blonde...

 in a bikini...

 in a shark movie. 

She might as well just smear herself in BBQ sauce and leap into the sea shouting "Yoohoo. Sharkey-sharkey-sharkey! Eat me! 

That's all folks.