Cheapo DVD Reviews: Land Of The Pharaohs (2017)

"Land Of The Pharaohs begins in ancient Egypt, where Isis and Osiris ruled the land. All were happy for the couple except one, Set, a jealous man who killed Osiris in order to take over his kingdom. Isis snuck into Osiris' tomb and tried to raise him from the dead using her black magic. Set caught Isis in the act and had Osiris cut to pieces, with each piece buried in a different part of the land, so Isis could never again raise her husband. Isis vowed to avenge Osiris' death and return with him to rule over all the worlds. Now, six college students Kyle, Dustin, Felicia, Jay, Serena and Amy take their last course in archaeology in anticipation for graduation. Their last assignment is to uncover and document the museum's new acquisitions with their teacher, Professor Shields and world-renowned Egyptologist Dr. Nasir. During the night they haphazardly awaken the ancient spirit of Isis' lost soul and her wrath is unleashed on the group. As students start to disappear one by one, they must band together to stop Isis from rising her dead lover Osiris and his evil army of the dead, and exacting their revenge upon the world." 

 Before I go any further I need to get my customary DVD cover rant out of the way.  Stick with me. I'll try to be brief.

 Issue#1 is the pose our cover star is holding.
Correction. Issue#1 is the fact that the guy on the cover isn't in this film.
Issue#2 is that for a  film called "Land of The Pharaohs" you see very little of Ancient Egypt beyond some painfully obvious green screen backgrounds.
 Hmm. It's almost like the cover artist is trying to fool you into thinking this is a different film to the one the producers remember making. Maybe in a bid to cash in on the success of a recent Egyptian-themed fantasy about Gods? Who can say.
For Issue#3 we're back to Egypt-boy's pose on the cover.   For some reason DVD artists love that whole "Mopey Warrior Contemplating His Sword" image . I've seen at least 4 movies using it and you know what, they were all a bit crap.

 Two minutes Googling pulled up the original movie title and movie cover. It's quite a bit different.

 
  I'm no expert on Egyptian myth but I don't remember anything about Isis having ginormous knockers.

  Priya Rai is best know for movies that demonstrate her ability to bend over and make faces, if you get my drift.

 She makes bongo films, OK?  

  You have to wonder how many people bought "Isis Rising" and spent the entire film waiting for the porn to start.

  Moving on to the actual film itself, this is a low-budget affair that barely scrapes 80 minutes. A group of college stereotypes are locked in a museum overnight, accidentally awaken a porn-actress slightly past her commercial prime   pissed-off goddess and get picked off one by one before an anticlimax of an ending. That's it.

 I can't say I was impressed by the story or pacing, thought the acting was nothing special and the SFX were just crap. The characters are hard to like, with one male lead in particular coming across as a bitter jerk.
When the douchey Jock is easier to root for than the lovelorn nerd, your writing has gone a bit wrong somewhere.
 Music is minimal, besides some Dubstep that must come cheap from a local basement DJ and grates like you would not believe.
 "Shock" final scene isn't that shocking, either.

How much did I pay for this?: £2.50
Was it worth it?: Nah. Besides being annoyed at the bait&switch, this just isn't a good movie. Don't bother.
 
At least this guy enjoyed himself.

That's all folks.