I'm not one of them.
I'll admit that it was fun at first. After the snow, the wind and rain, and the grey, drab, soul-witheringly bleak skies of Britain's winter, the sunshine was a blessed relief.
That was a month and a half ago. Now I'm sat here sweltering and this isn't fun any more.
Let me take a moment to list all the positives.
1. The sky is a nice shade of blue.
2. When I hang out my laundry it dries really quickly.
That's it.
"But what about all the wonderful things you could be doing in the sunshine. " I hear some aggravating little twonk say. " What about sitting in the garden with a pint? What about going to the beach? What about going for a walk in the fresh air. Enjoy the summer!"
To which my reply would be "I think you've mistaken me for somebody else. Do I look like I enjoy being out and about in bright sunshine? FFS, I'm so pale the last time I tried to give blood the nurse offered me a couple of bags of O Positive because I clearly needed it. So fuck off."
You know what I do like? I like walking to work and not arriving with my t-shirt and gusset soaked in sweat. I like being able to sleep at night because the air in my bedroom isn't the temperature of toast. I like looking out of my window and seeing lovely green grass instead of the scorched straw that's out there right now. I like stepping out of doors without feeling like the sun is out to get me. I really like being able to get on a bus without spending the entire journey soaking in the delightful scent of other people's armpits and sweaty bollocks.
To which my reply would be "I think you've mistaken me for somebody else. Do I look like I enjoy being out and about in bright sunshine? FFS, I'm so pale the last time I tried to give blood the nurse offered me a couple of bags of O Positive because I clearly needed it. So fuck off."
You know what I do like? I like walking to work and not arriving with my t-shirt and gusset soaked in sweat. I like being able to sleep at night because the air in my bedroom isn't the temperature of toast. I like looking out of my window and seeing lovely green grass instead of the scorched straw that's out there right now. I like stepping out of doors without feeling like the sun is out to get me. I really like being able to get on a bus without spending the entire journey soaking in the delightful scent of other people's armpits and sweaty bollocks.
So yeah. I'm not enjoying the hot weather as much as I might be.
Make it go away.
Until then I'll be drinking a pint of water every hour and wondering how I can shave off every single hair on my body.
That's all folks.
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