Film Rreview: Asphalt Angels (2014)

Genre: Adventure. Allegedly

  An all-female heist gang take on an ill-fated  jewel snatch that goes wrong. Meanwhile a gang of bikers are looking for the woman that killed their ex-boss. 

 So while gang-leader Chase languishes in the tiniest prison ever, her BMX -riding sister is great danger

 A woman with big boobs shows up from time to time to keep the viewers interested.  

  When I saw the cover to Asphalt Angels my inner 13-year old was suitably impressed. "Hot chick with a gun" he said, bouncing up and down "Gonna be awesome"

  However, my inner movie fan was a lot more cynical.  From painful experience, most movies that use boobs and guns as the big selling point rarely have  put any effort into important stuff like story, characters or not sucking.  

 But I went ahead and watched it anyway. 

I'm dumb.

Describing "Asphalt Angels" as low-budget cinema would imply there was a budget to begin with.  The whole thing is shot in the hills outside LA (I think) so after a while you start asking "Do any of these people actually have homes?"  

 Other awkward questions include :

Why do the badass bike gang only have four members? 

Why do none of them ride  a bike at any point. Or even seem to own one?

If the BMX races are a big enough deal, that there's a report present, how come there's no crowd whatsoever? 

Why doesn't the prison have more than one guard?  The invisible snipers don't count. 

  At times this film feels more like some sort of low-budget porn without the porny bits.  That might explain the terrible acting, story which jumps from scene to scene without any flow, the dialogue which seems to have been generated from a list of cliches and the occasional close-up of a busty woman zipping up her tits for no apparent reason. 

  The pacing is also way, way off - way too much nothing happens in between bits that matter and the crucial showdown is so tacked-on it isn't even funny.  Did we really need so many scenes of Chase looking moody and staring into the distance? 

To sum up: Asphalt Angels is dull and has nothing whatsoever to recommend it.  Avoid.