A Short List Of Things Somebody Really Needs To Invent.

Because it's hot and that's making me grumpy I thought I'd share some thoughts on inventions the world ought to have but doesn't...Yet.

Seagull-Proof Binbags
Because on bin day the feathery, squawking bastards always get up extra early to have some fun with the piled-up binbags.  I don't know about anybody else but I really, really appreciate having to tiptoe through piles of rotting garbage on way way to work.

A Sensible Corned Beef Tin.
Why the bloody hell are these things such a twat to open?  Even if you manage to wield the tiny key properly, yous till have to poke and prod the corned beef to get it out of the tin. God help you if you lose the key or it snaps.  Corned Beef tins are damn-near impossible to open with a conventional tin-opener and they are razor sharp to boot.

Bus Seats Designed for Humans. 
I refuse to believe anybody involved in designing bus seats has seen a normal-sized human or a normally-shaped human. The alternative is that they were deliberately designed to be uncomfortable.

A Self-Stirring Saucepan.   
I admit it, I just want one of these because I'm lazy and stirring stuff is boring.  I'd also really like a frying-pan where it was the same constant temperature across the whole bloody thing.  I should not have to shuffle my sausages about in this day and age.

A Remote Control That Stays Where You Bloody Put It. 
Alternatively: A Remote Control That Has  A Homing Beacon attached. 
Because I don't like having to dismantle my sofa and conduct a fingertip search through my entire living room to find a damn remote. especially when my programme is just coming on.

A Sonic Weapon You Can Fire down The Phone At Cold Callers and  Microsoft Scammers That Will Make Them Shit Themselves.  
Do I really need to explain this one?  Maybe Phase 2 would be something to make Grammerly adverts fuck off from Youtube forever.

Any you can think of?  Let me know. 

That's All Folks. 

Cheapo DVD Review: Stormbirds (2019)

Also known as Greyhound Attack because that totally makes sense. 

Europe 1944:

   US Pilots over Germany are becoming spooked by reports of  Nazi jet fighters and massive rockets.

   A pair of brothers serving on the same B17 are reluctantly parted

  And in a secret factory a Jewish scientist reluctantly aids the Third Reich in developing  superweapons while next door a stuck-up diva broadcasts propaganda across the radio waves.

You can't fault the producers of Stormbirds for thinking big because they definitely aimed at making a proper WW2 epic. 

Unfortunately this movie not only fails to live up to those aims, it doesn't even live up to its own DVD sleeve. 

That's a cool sleeve, isn't it? Lots of action and Mustangs zooming here there and everywhere. 

The film itself is mostly people talking in front of green-screen backgrounds and not particularly good green-screen either.  I've seen better green-screen work used in home-made rap videos put together in a teenagers bedroom.  Then there's the action sequences and for that all I need to do is post one single image:

  Since a film about WW2 fighters does need to show some actual fighters at some point,  the director throws in some footage clearly shot at a Warbirds Airshow -  which explains why a mission crucual to the War effort is performed by just two aircraft and neither of them is a bomber. 

  Stormbirds does have other problems beside the lack of graphics and the lack of action.

  None of the story threads above seem to have much to do with each other and some could easily have been cut out.  I was also not happy when the last five minutes or so was quite clearly setting things up for a Part 2 that will likely never happen.  Stormbirds has barely got enough going on for one movie so there's no bloody way they can make a trilogy out of it.

   To sum up:  I ended up feeling sorry for  the actors involved. I also ended up stretching my viewing out over about 5 sessions because watching Stormbirds was such a painful experience.  

Don't bother. 

A Duck And A Big Big Kiss

The D-Day and VE-Day events have been and gone but - at least for the moment  -  the vents from earlier this year left Portsmouth dockyard with a couple of  extra attractions.

The first is easily the less obvious, being a WW2 vintage Amphibious truck: the famous DUKW which is currently parked up outside the entrance to the Naval Museum.

  Some vehicles have a charm to them and you somehow end up with a warm feeling about a piece of machinery.   That's definitely the case here.  I've had a soft spot for the DUKW ever since I was a kid.

Did they come in different sizes because I'm sure this is smaller than the one I saw on Southsea Common back in June.

When I was there the DUKW had some women in Land Girl outfits stood next to it chatting to tourists so maybe I should have asked one of them what the hell this bit was for.

 It's clearly there to do something, I just can't figure out what that  might be. Something to do with the water-drive?  

  Another view from the opposite side.

The other attraction is more noticeable in the sense that helicopter pilots could use it as a landmark.

You may have seen the famous VJ-Day photo of a US sailor delivering a powerful kiss to an unsuspecting nurse.

 It's been parodied in Night At The Museum 2 and Watchmen so even if you haven't seen this photo, part of your backbrain recognises it from somewhere.

Well, somebody made a statue of that and put said statue in Portsmouth Dockyard right next to the HMS Victory.

   It's really well done and i kinda like it.  It's also pretty big.  The photo above doesn't show you the scale so how about a wider angle?

 That's the Mary Rose Museum in the background and this is taller than the building. Like I said this is a big statue and must be 3-4 times taller than I am.

Hopefully it will stick around for a bit because I'm all in favour of statues with a bit of charm and fun to them.

That's All Folks. 

The Metal Project: Happy Fourth of July

Evening All. 

Since it's Independence day, what better way to celebrate all things US of A than with a batch of  All-American - but slightly obscure - Heavy Metal?  Enjoy. 

Resistance - The Metal Machine  (2017)

Honour to:  Resistance (USA) Official

Whip Teacher - Metal Protege (1981 - Demo so sound quality dubious)

Honour to: Andrew Kellman

Winters Bane - Metal Rules (1991)

Honour to: Panagiotis44444444

Taist Of Iron - Metal Beast  (2012)

Honour to: Gabriel Management

Giant DeathSnake - Metal Revolt (2016)

Honour to: Giant DeathSnake

Dear USA - Enjoy your BBQ's Beers and  Metal Music.

That's All folks