Hello and welcome to a brief, yet hopefully, informative guide on something that's become a major issue in recent years.
So picture the scene: You have somehow managed to stray into a Monster Movie (or a Kaiju flick, or a Creature Feature or even a Shark film.) Since being eaten sucks, you want to stay alive and preferably retain all the body parts you currently have.
Well, I can help you there. Here's some useful tips.
The best way to survive a Creature rampage is: Don't be there when it happens.
Ideally you want to avoid doing anything to set the oversized, toothy bastard off in the first place.
So here's some Do's and Don'ts
Don't go anywhere the natives are scared of. If it has "Dragon", "Monster", "Forbidden" "Death" or "Giant Snakes" in the name then go shoot your student film somewhere else.
Don't fuck with any giant eggs you find. Mommy will be mad. You don't want to meet Mommy when she's mad.
Don't break into any research facilities, even if they are supposed to be abandoned. Whatever Youtube traffic you may get is not worth getting bitten in half by a genetically mutated Alligator.
...and on that note:
Don't try to create a "perfect weapon" by fucking around with something that's already a terrifying predator. Sharks are bad enough. The world does not need sharks with human intelligence.
No, you won't be able to control it.
Don't try to bring back the dinosaurs. Think of all the reasons why Sharks are bad news then times that by 5 and remember that sharks (usually) are restricted to the seas. Dinosaurs aren't.
No, you won't be able to control them.
I mean it.
You WILL NOT be able to control them.
If you find out that one of your research team is trying to cross sharks with polar bears, or is growing an Allosaurus in a jar then DO take them out the back and put an entire magazine into their heads.
Then burn the lab and everything in it. Including their lab assistants. Then seal it in concrete.
Humanity may never thank you but trust me, you're doing good work.
Don't hand your nuclear, chemical or biological waste to a firm called "Bubba's Waste Disposal And Pool cleaning." even if they are the cheapest option.
You might not be able to prevent monster attacks entirely but at least you won't feel guilty about it.
More tips in our next article.
Thank you for this: could save someone's life.
ReplyDeleteOne more: if you think you've just successfully outrun your monster and reached safety, NEVER stop and breathe an obvious sigh of relief. You won't finish that breath.