Cheapo DVD Review: Kingdom Of Gladiators (2011)

Starring:

Maurizio Corigliano

Sharon Fryer

Leroy Kincaid

Suzi Lorraine

Bryan Murphy

Matt Polinsky

Annie Social 

 

"A king makes a pact with an ancient demon and after years of ruling his kingdom in peace, the demon has come to collect. Now a group of rival gladiators must fight for the survival of the kingdom."

 And if you've been reading this blog so far, the first thing you will ask is "Are there actually any gladiators in it?"

 Well there is at least one. Hero Kayne (Leroy Kincaid) may not look too much like the guy on the cover but he is at least obviously supposed to be a gladiator.

Does it surprise you to hear that his day job is Professional Wrestler?

 However, given that the rest of the cast are sporting a natty selection of Medieval clobber, he does stick out a bit. I have this theory that the producers asked a bunch of medieval re-enactors if they fancied being in a film...and would they mind bringing along their own weapons, armour and um, clothes? 

  Oh wait a minute...there is another person that doesn't fit the Robin Hood dress code. Kayne's girlfriend Teela (Played by wrestler Annie Social)

That probably chafes like a bitch. 

 Teela does get a costume change later on.  Instead of the chainmail bikini, she gets to sport the Xena leather bustier look.

Yes, that is somebody's blood across her cleavage.

Where was I?

    So we've established that it's not really a Kingdom of Gladiators but a Kingdom that happens to have a couple of gladiators in it. And when I say "Kingdom" I mean "Castle"
  A castle which doesn't seem to have many people living in it.  The entire film centres around a great tournament has attracted fighting men and women from across the world. So you'd think it would be quite a big deal then.

 This is the audience.

I've seen pub fights with more spectators than that.

So the title of the film really ought to be "Mostly Empty Castle That A Couple Of Gladiators Are Currently Visiting For Career Reasons."

  As it happens the blurb on the back of the DVD is reasonably accurate. Let me quickly run the story by you.
 Once upon a time King Wolfkahn, beset on every side by enemies, made a deal with the Dark Lord. In exchange for the sacrifice of his children the king would become invincible. 
 Right away we run into a problem. Wolfkahn is a pretty smack-in-the-mouth name. You probably have a mental image of some big, roided-up,  King Kull-looking bruiser with spikes on his hat, right?

 This is King Wolfkahn.

 I'm already struggling to see this man as a conquering badass and making his outfit out of the living room curtains isn't helping. Possibly they should have cast yet another wrestler in this role.

 There are some actors who could pull this off. Sadly Bryan Murphy's performance is ...erm...not one of the high points of the movie. He plays the King like a geography teacher doing a spot of reenactment for the school pageant. It's quite painful to watch.

Back to the story.

Years later the king is celebrating his own awesomeness by having fighters come to his house and have a killing competition. At which point a lovely young woman shows up claiming to be the daughter he lost.

 At the same time, a mysterious fighter begins carving up the rest of the competitors.  

 The lovely Princess Luna. (Suzi Lorraine. Also known for "Bikini Girls On Ice")

And to all the bronies who found this page via Google. Sorry guys. 

Har (Morizio Corigliano) enjoys his job.

It should surprise nobody to learn that Luna isn't what she seems. Personally I pegged her as a villain as soon as she showed up. And she's not exactly subtle about it.

 Luna being mean to the Official Royal Crone

 After the King discovers that his so-called daughter isn't, and that the blood shed in his tournament is being used to awaken a particularly big and nasty demon he does the logical thing.

 No, he doesn't stop the tournament and have Luna "disappear" again. Don't be silly.

The King and the Royal Crone  recruit a couple of the visiting fighters - cunningly picking two who really don't like each other -  and send them off to retrieve a magic sword from the countryside.  Presumably his entire army called in sick that day. Just to make the mission go extra smoothly, nobody bothers to tell either one about the other. So when Kayne runs into cocky git Gunnar (Matt Polinsky) they end up brawling.

 Matt Polinsky is also a wrestler. Why do you ask?

...brawling some more

And still more brawling. Don't ask me why they ditched their swords. Or shirts.

This continues until Teela arrives and tells both of them to stop acting like muppets.

Gunnar takes possession of the magic sword and the trio agree to join forces. This doesn't mean Kayne and Gunnar like each other, mind.

That night, the Royal Crone, despite dying two scenes ago, appears to deliver an important message.

"You are really brothers. Your father is the king. I have no idea why he didn't tell you this earlier. 
Being brutally murdered sucks goat balls. Try not to let it happen to you. Peace out."

 Inspired by this trippy vision from the otherworld, Gunnar, Kayne and Teela set off to find some mystic cave or another and kill the demon before Luna wakes it up.  In true fantasy film fashion, they do this by walking in slow motion and posing on as many hilltops as they can find. 

 Ever noticed how the good guys always arrive just at the last minute. 

That's because the average fantasy hero has no concept of urgency.

 Back at the castle you can't help noticing that Luna is really enjoying the bloody spectacle a little too much. 

 "Go on. Kill him in the face"

 Down in the courtyard the fighters are doing the sort of highly-stagey, fighting you usually see at medieval reenactments. It's not the most spectacular swordplay you'll ever see.

 But it does give us this scene.

  I really have no words.

  Skipping happily back to our Power Trio,  they have arrived at the cavern where the beast dwells only to find it locked behind a door that requires a human sacrifice.

"So I'll sacrifice myself for the common good. Don't argue with me"

Aw shite. 

 With the portal now open, our two burly brothers pause long enough to mourn Teela then set off monster-hunting. It would be really awkward if this was the wrong address, wouldn't it?

 Back at the castle...

Shit. Is that bloody tournament still going on? It's taking longer than the World Cup. 

  

Har must be running out of people to kill sometime soon. Luna is pleased though.

 "You're not living, you're not living...you're not living any more! Who are ya? Who are ya?"

 Returning to our heroic spelunkers, they've just had a bit of a shock.

Kayne has had a surprise anyway. Gunnar seems to be having a craft slash.

 Teela is already bored with being dead and has made a triumphant comeback. Sadly she's not stopping. She's going to go kill Har for them. Personally I'd have asked her to help kill the frigging enormous stone demon just round the corner but each to their own. 

 Skipping past Har killing yet another no-hoper,  Luna going "Yay" some more and the boys scrabbling around the cave, we finally get to see Luna reveal her true colours.

"What are you doing with that enormous spear? "

"...And why have you apparently put your eyeliner on with a trowel"

 Anybody else thinking Luna might make a good vocalist for a Metal band?

Possibly something a bit pagan-y.

I digress.

 Having read the King's mind or something, blondie teleports out leaving him looking like a stunned haddock, Or more like a stunned haddock than usual.

 Back to the tournament. (Oh for Christ's sake can this bloody movie finish sometime soon, please?)
Har has just beat up a fat man and is about to deliver the coup de grace. He is currently feeling pleased with his life.  But right at that moment the crowd notice something up in the sky and attempt to register their utter surprise

Is it a bird...is it a plane...is it a hastily drafted in acting coach?

Nope. It's a a buxom lady wrestler in an outfit left over from "Xena Warrior Princess"

 Eek! I'm sorry I didn't mean it! Please don't rip off my arm and beat me to death with it!

Back at the Demon cave, Luna demonstrates she's also really good at scary faces.

 All right. You win the "Psychobitch" contest.

Yep. There's definitely a metal band out there that would suit this lass to a tee.

So the film is drawing (finally) to a climax. Teela is battling Har and doing quite well.

Gunnar and Kayne are fighting Luna - and not doing so well, her being a demon with magic powers and all.

  And the king has just realised that he forgot to take back his library books.

Oh crap. That's a whole £3.50 I'll have to pay.

Luna makes the mistake of getting distracted in her fight and promptly gets skewered.

Since she is - somehow - connected to King Wolfkahn by magic or somesuch bollocks he gets a good dose of swording too.

Or he could be really upset about his library books. Having to march up to the desk and pay the fine can be quite traumatic, you know. It's the way they look at you.
Still, one bad guy down. Make that two since Teela has finished beating Har until his face is concave.

 Err, Teela...what are you doing with that spear?

 Now that was just mean.

 Team NotEvil are not out of the woods yet. What with all the bloodshed and violence and everything, the big stone demon is now waking up. Luckily the King decides to pull a Yoda and dispense some gnomic motivation.

Sorry about the whole "Having you abandoned at birth" thing. It was for your own good, honest.

Ps. I'm currently dying painfully. I would not recommend it as an experience. 

Yeah. That really helps. Bet you didn't change your will either. Git. 

Nevermind, because Gunnar has a plan to stop the CGI evil rising and bring peace to the land.

He's going to jump onto the beast from a handy cliff.  It's a crap plan, really. He could miss entirely and plummet into the depths of the earth. He could end up in beastie's gob and just give it a tasty snack and even if he hits, his future prospects do not look good.

Whaddya know. it worked.Scratch one stone thingie.

 Good has triumphed but at a cost. 

King Wolfkahn is dead. 

His declared heir is also dead, almost certainly leading to a period of civil strife with all the 

attendant hardships for the general population. (I'm sorry. I think about these things.)

 Gunnar is on the wrong end of several hundred tons of rock.

 And Kayne is more than a wee bit traumatised, having lost his girlfriend and his newly-acquired brother.

At this point Teela - who only stuck around long enough to sort out Har - manifests herself.

 "I'm still dead. You're now King of Keemok. Good luck with that. Goodbye."

  But since Wolfkahn never seems to have bothered telling anybody about his two sons, poor Kayne is going to turn up at the castle, hoping for a cuppa, a shower and his rightful throne, and probably get told to piss off.  Poor sod.

And now onto the summing up part of today's post. 

How much did I pay for this?  About £4.

Was it any good? Not really. 

  The writers took an number of stock fantasy elements and bundled them together in the hope of creating something moderately original. They might just have got away with it if the end result had been handled differently. 

  For a film built around combat, the fight sequences are a big letdown - indifferently choreographed and not what you would call well filmed. Interestingly, the better ones are where both combatants ditch the weapons and go at it hand to hand. When you consider how many pro-wrestlers are in the cast, that's maybe not so surprising but still, their talents are not used to best advantage. 

  On the subject of talent, acting quality throughout the movie ranges from "barely adequate" to  "wince-inducingly bad." with the wrestling contingent not necessarily being the worst offenders.   

  Being generous, I could say that certain people are clearly more comfortable when they are brawling. Since the dialogue is clunky to say the least, I can't blame them for preferring to let their actions speak for them.  

 In short, even by straight-to-DVD standards this film is not a success, being dull and po-faced without much in the way of excitement or humour.

 If you want a reference point, how about the old "Deathstalker" films  - not the one with Monique Gabrielle where they were clearly taking the piss but the others (I, II and IV.) only without the 80s cheese appeal.  Make of that what you will.

 That's all folks.