Film Review: Throne Of Fire (1983)

  In a time long ago and a place that nobody ever gets around to specifying, the forces of darkness create a champion. Morack.
  Morack's task? To seize the kingdom and sit upon the legendary Throne Of Fire whereupon he will do...all sorts of naughty stuff. 
   But before that happens he must wed the fiery princess Valkari whether she likes it or not.
 He just killed her entire family so "...Or not" is more likely. 
  Then there's this pesky bodybuilder type called Siegfried sticking his oar in so Morack needs to find a way of making him dead that's permanent and yet still suitably wicked.
Being the evil, usurping son of The Devil isn't all fun and games, you know. 

 When  "Conan" became a big box-office hit in the early 80s the Italians sat down and had a bit of a think. "Films about muscly blokes without shirts are back in.  Didn't we used to be really good at those? "
The result was a number of low-budget fantasy flicks typified by burly heroes, scantily clad women and terrible, terrible special effects.
 They usually had great video sleeves though.  Not necessarily accurate but definitely eye-catching.

One look at the cover above and I had to watch "Throne Of Fire". 

I'm weak and possibly stupid. 

  "But what about the film itself?" I hear you ask "Is it any good?"

Well......

 "Throne Of Fire" has a an awful lot wrong with it.
The music is almost entirely done by one bloke trying to be bombastic on a Korg synth.
The acting is indifferent, made worse by bargain-basement dubbing.
The special effects are hilariously bad.
The props are almost as woeful. In some shots you can easily see the tinplate swords bending 
And Siegfried and Valkari are not the most talented of heroes. Siegfried's master plan for rescuing the princess is to barge in to Morack's throne room and pick a fight.
 If Morack wasn't such a stickler for the bad-guy code that says "Annoying heroes are to be dumped in a pit with something nasty and cheerfully forgotten about." the film would have ended thirty minutes in.  
 Even after he gets a magical power-up, Siegfried bollixes up rescue attempt #2 and ends up back in a dungeon again. It is entirely possible that if he'd left Valkari to her own devices, she might have got away under her own steam.

  And the whole thing is played absolutely straight. Straighter than a Roman road designed by Claudius The Anal Retentive and built across Lincolnshire by  a secret sect of  right-angle-worshiping navvies who are terrified of bendy things.

  Having said all the above, "Throne Of Fire" retains a certain cheese-scented charm.
Not surprisingly there's a certain hint of the old Peplum movies to be seen, albeit at about a 20th of the budget and while Siegfried and Valkari might not win any pub quizzes, they are both pretty respectable when it comes to sword-swinging. The whole thing is a guilty pleasure but still entertaining.

If you like early 80s low-budget fantasy, then this is the sort of thing you're likely to enjoy.

If you like films where men in leather skirts/women in chamois-leather bikinis (delete as appropriate) battle evil then "Throne Of Fire" might be worth your time.

If you just like watching terrible films then you're covered too.

Screenshot time.

80s costume design as awesome. 

 

Valkari gets captured - the first of many

Morack poses dramatically.
He had the entire castle built around this one posing spot.

Siegfried searches for his shirt in vain.

Valkari practises her queenly lounging.

"Hey Morack...thanks for letting me try out your chair bro.
Why's it called The Throne Of Fire again?"

"Arrgghh. You utter bastard!"

Siegfried chats to a crap special effect.

Siegfried and Valkari discuss fashion.
And why the bad guys get to wear proper trousers and stuff.

Trailer here

And since you'll probably watch this film for the same reason I did,
here's a tribute vid somebody did for Valkari (Sabrina Siani)

That's all folks.