Lawnmower Deth Let Slip The Snails Of War

 Many years ago I picked up a split LP which immediately drew my attention. One one side you had UK hardcore oddballs Metal Duck - a band who allegedly never managed to play a single show where all 4 members showed up - and on the other side, Nottingham thrashers Lawnmower Deth.

 It has to be said that LD had a creative take on thrash metal, eschewing songs about war, politics and Satan in favour of catchy ditties about err..lawnmowers, vomiting and whatever the hell Umph Umlah was about.  Naturally I loved it and I've had a soft spot for them ever since. 

 (Just a thought: when the big names of the UK thrash scene  - Onslaught and Sabbat - suddenly self-destructed there was a brief period when Lawnmower Deth may have been  the UK's biggest thrash band. Feel free to confirm or deny this. Besides, how many metal bands managed to get Kim frigging Wilde to collaborate on a Christmas single? I'm sure that proves something.)

Anyway, much to my delight Lawnmower Deth have returned to action with a new song and a video which really needs more attention.  

Ladies and gentlemen, Boys and Girls and Lawnmower lovers of all ages, may I share with you:

Lawnmower Deth - Raise Your Snails. 

THE METAL PROJECT: B IS FOR BLACK

 

 Good evening and welcome to another long overdue edition of The Metal Project.

Holy Crap, I've been doing this since  2012!

I've had jobs that didn't last that long.  

Anyway, as we continue to move through the alphabet we arrive at one of the most metal letters there is: 

B standing for Blood, Black, Blitzkrieg, Butcher and ...errr...Budgie.

Enjoy. 

Barbatos - Straight Metal War (Japan 2015)

Honour to:  Barbatos

Battle Born - Bring The Metal Back (UK 2020)

Honour to: Gloria Al Metal Universal

I don't normally do instrumentals but what the hell. 

Bob Macabre - Metal Attack (Instrumental) (USA 2016)

Honour to: The Butcher - Bob Macabre

Bonehunter - Devil Metal Punk (Finland 2015)

Honour to: Diagamma

Bulldozing Bastard - Black Metal Slut (Germany 2015)

Honour to: MAOT666

My Dream Kitchen

 Like a lot of people I love playing the "What if I won the lottery" fantasy in my head.  

The usual...

What would I buy first?

What sort of house would I buy? 

Would I pay somebody to track down certain people and belabour them with a pillowcase filled with pineapples?

To which the answers are, respectively: a big, big pile of books, somewhere old and with character with lots of space for books and definitely not because that would be legally and morally wrong *chuckles nervously*

But then I got on to the subject of "Assuming I had my dream house - what would my dream kitchen look like?" and I think my views might differ slightly from most people. 

I know I'm supposed to want something stylish; either something all spotless white and polished metal, or maybe something cosy and traditional - wooden beams and dangling herbs and stuff. 

 The big problem with either of these is that they're designed for people who like cooking...

...which I don't. 

I'm not good at cooking and truthfully 95% of the "cooking" I do is heating stuff up.

  I like eating nice food but personally I find that food tastes much nice when it isn't me cooking it. Literally. I am a terrible cook and I am amazed that I've never had botulism by now. 

  The point being, a snazzy, all-mod-cons designer kitchen would be wasted on me in the same way that running shoes are wasted on manatees.  

So it occurred to me that if I could afford my dream house an the 30,00 books I want to put in it, I can afford to have somebody else do my cooking for me. 

 No, I don't mean hiring a  cook because then I have another person in my house that I have to deal with.  I'm talking about takeaways.

 Takeaways are my kind of cooking. I give somebody money, they give me food. I don't even have to let them in over the doorstep and the entire interaction consists of "Hello. here's your food." followed by  "Thank you" before I close the door and go back to being a recluse. 

 Washing up is somebody else's problem so it just gets better. 

So here's what my dream kitchen looks like:

1. Microwave. (For heating leftovers)

2. Fridge (For milk, soft drinks and maybe some ice cream)

3. Kettle (Tea and coffee)

4. Cupboard with things to make tea and coffee  and maybe some nice biscuits. 

That's it.  Nothing more required and I bet it's easier to keep clean than whatever James Martin has. . 

So, what does YOUR dream kitchen look like? 

How To Survive A Monster Movie (part two)

  Hello and welcome back to the second part of a guide 
that may,  one day, save you from being bitten in half 

  In part one I explained that the best way to survive a monster rampage is to NOT be around when it happens.  But let's assume that thanks to circumstances beyond your control, things have gone south in a bad way: the cloned T. Rex got out, the batteries failed on the controller for the Cyborg Killer Whale,  a giant, angry Crab marched out of the sea...whatever. 

 Bad as all this might be, you still have another problem that could get you killed.

The people around you. 

 Think about it. People are moronic  assholes under normal circumstances. Do you really think that will get better when things get dangerous?   

 So let's look at some people you don't want to be sharing a monster experience with.  

Mr Important

 Mr Important is a rich man and very, very busy.  He is used to people doing what he tells them and he thinks that shouting loud enough will get the situation resolved.  This might work on his workforce or unfortunate hotel clerks but as far as your average theropod is concerned  Mr Important is just a Pepperami in a nice suit.   

 Mr Important may also be the reason the bloody dinosaurs were created in the first place so you just know that Karma has plans for him.  

Speaking of Karma...

Mr Dodgy Scientist Guy

  All of the people I'm talking about will get you killed but this wanker is the most likely to push you in front of a charging Bigfoot and then take frigging notes. If he didn't create the monster, he sure as hell cares more about it than your welfare.  You're part of the experiment, after all. 

 Mr Dodgy Scientist guy will suggest trying to capture the creature or more worryingly, will utterly fail to warn anybody about the horrible death waiting around the next corner. 

  The knowledge that our lab-coated headcase will get ripped apart in the second reel might make you feel better - but only if you don't get eaten first. 

Mr Dodgy Politician Guy

 Mr Dodgy Politician Guy wants what's best for the town. Oh yes he does, most sincerely.  Except the town is defined as "the bit  which funds his election campaign", which is why Dodgy Politician Guy will turn a blind eye to  everything from illegal chemical waste dumping to a sudden rash of people vanishing. Clearly something to do with drugs or foolish kids. What?   Somebody found a pile of half-eaten livers?  probably unrelated. Best keep it quiet.    

Mr Panic.

 At first sight Mr Panic looks like any ordinary citizen. Ok, so he's freaked out about the fact that a frigate-sized Crocodile is waddling up the High street but can you really blame him? And unlike the arseholes above, he's not obviously bad news from the the moment you met them. 

 This is what makes Mr Panic such a menace. Because when he snaps the fallout will be bloody. 

 Mr Panic is the guy that will take off in the only boat on the island, leaving you all stranded.  Mr Panic will crash the bus into a petrol station and now you have a fire to deal with too. Mr Panic will start screaming and give away your hiding place. Mr Panic will be the trigger happy muppet that accidentally shoots somebody in the lungs. Mr Panic is, in short, a catastrophe waiting to happen.  

 Mr Every Man For Himself.

  Unlike Mr Panic, this twat knows exactly what he's doing and truth be told, he will enjoy screwing you all over.  Mr Panic might abandon you but Mr Every Man For Himself will run off, lock the door behind him so you're trapped and smilingly give you the finger.

 Luckily this particular character will make a point of letting you know that he's an apocalyptic fuckhat early on so you can keep an eye out for him.

  I'm not suggesting you push him off a cliff or anything. Wink but if he's going to play the "It's me or you" game then why not make your move first. 

Mr Heroic

 Mr Heroic is a good guy. Mr Heroic wants to do the right thing. Mr Heroic is going to get you killed.

  If anything, he's the most dangerous person on this entire list because Mr Heroic will insist on putting himself in harm's way by, I dunno... marching right into the neighbourhood currently being stamped flat by a frigging kaiju to rescue his ex-girlfriend.  EX GIRLFRIEND.

 Which is very laudable and all that but if you go with him to keep his dumb, whiteknighting ass safe, then you don't get the happy ending.  

                                                  You get eaten. 

  Nah. If he says he's going to go save his princess then you tell him "Good for you. I'm off to somewhere the monster isn't. Tell Jennifer I still think she's a bitch."

    

  

 That's it for now but next time I'll move on to things you can do for your own protection. 

Beast in Black - One Night In Tokyo

  One of the many things I love about Heavy Metal is its uncanny ability to assimilate bits and pieces from other media. Punk, Opera,  Hip-Hop, Folk Music - all woke up one morning to find out that somebody had nicked a bunch of their stuff without noticing. 

More recently I've seen several metal bands using dance-music style keyboards in their sound.  

And I like this idea. I do believe that metal and dance music have more in common than people think..

Now on to the track that inspired this post.  Multinational outfit Beast In Black released their new video on September 30 and both the song and the video - especially the video - suggest the band do seem to have been drinking deeply out of the cup labelled "Synthwave" . Between the Eurodance keys and the vintage-games aesthetics of the vid, you get something that's a refreshing change from a bunch of  angry blokes in a warehouse.

  I definitely want to see where this band is going. See what you think.

How To Survive A Monster Movie (part one)

 Hello and welcome to a brief, yet hopefully, informative guide on something that's become a major issue in recent years.

 So picture the scene: You have somehow managed to stray into a Monster Movie (or a Kaiju flick, or a Creature Feature or even a Shark film.)  Since being eaten sucks, you want to stay alive and preferably retain all the body parts you currently have.

Well, I can help you there. Here's some useful tips. 

 The best way to survive a Creature rampage is: Don't be there when it happens. 

Ideally you want to avoid doing anything to set the oversized, toothy bastard off in the first place.

So here's some Do's and Don'ts   

  Don't go anywhere the natives are scared of. If it has "Dragon", "Monster", "Forbidden" "Death" or "Giant Snakes" in the name then go shoot your student film somewhere else. 

  Don't fuck with any giant eggs you find.  Mommy will be mad. You don't want to meet Mommy when she's mad. 

  Don't break into any research facilities, even if they are supposed to be abandoned.  Whatever Youtube traffic you may get is not worth getting bitten in half by a genetically mutated Alligator.

...and on that note:  

  Don't try to create a "perfect weapon" by fucking around with something that's already a terrifying predator. Sharks are bad enough. The world does not need sharks with human intelligence. 

No, you won't be able to control it.

Don't try to bring back the dinosaurs.  Think of all the reasons why Sharks are bad news then times that by 5 and remember that sharks (usually) are restricted to the seas. Dinosaurs aren't. 

No, you won't be able to control them. 

I mean it.

You WILL NOT be able to control them.

If you find out that one of your research team is trying to cross sharks with polar bears, or is growing an Allosaurus in a jar then DO take them out the back and put an entire magazine  into their heads.

 Then burn the lab and everything in it. Including their lab assistants.  Then seal it in concrete. 

Humanity may never thank you but trust me, you're doing good work.  

Don't hand your nuclear, chemical or biological waste to a firm called "Bubba's Waste Disposal And Pool cleaning." even if they are the cheapest option.  

You might not be able to prevent monster attacks entirely but at least you won't feel guilty about it.  

More tips in our next article. 

Been Reading: Jackson Ford - The Girl Who Could Move Sh*t With Her Mind

 

 Teagan Frost used to have another name and a family.    Now she works for a secret Government team based in Los Angeles using her Psychokinetic talents on covert missions. 

 But when a previous target turns up dead Teagan has a day to clear her name, otherwise she disappears into a laboratory and never comes out.

 

So with a title like that,  I just had to check this book out.

 The premise is, essentially, the old classic "Operative gets accused of a crime and must clear name" with the difference being that the heroine can y'know, move shit with her mind. 

 Or, if you want to look at it another way, another Urban Fantasy with a snippy female lead except the fantasy element is dialled right down to zero. Apart from "moving shit with her mind". 

  Luckily Teagan is a likeable protagonist with a strong supporting cast and the book has a great feel for the underside of Los Angeles, with a terrifying California wildfire on the skyline and getting closer.  Lots of action too. 

 The result is a book that I enjoyed a lot and got me more and more engaged as it went on.

There are at least two sequels in the pipeline so I do want to see where this series goes next. 

Film Review: R.I.A (2021)

 

   A beautiful woman named Ria wakes up, gets dressed and wakes up her husband Jack with a coffee, ready for their day together, as she does every morning.

Except....

 Every day Jack is a different person. And Ria is the star of the biggest reality TV show on the planet. 

 I checked this one out on a whim and I wasn't entirely sure what I was expecting. I have to admit, it didn't go quite the way I thought it would. 

 R.I.A takes a while to set things up as we go through one day after another with Ria being the "perfect wife" in a way that's either creepy or tragic - maybe a little of both. 

 The first twist is blatantly obvious but then all of a sudden things get darker in a way I was not expecting. 

 R.I.A has only a handful of locations and a small cast but manages to achieve something interesting. Instead of dodgy CGI we get unease and tension.   It helps that Jess Impiazi's performance as Ria is way, way better than you'd expect and is backed up by a solid cast. 

  If I have any criticisms, it would be the ending which is jarring. 

To sum up: R.I.A  is worth checking out if you like Sci-fi that isn't about spaceships and beasties. 

  

  

 

And since I loved this song on the soundtrack, here it is:

Imogen Blue - You make me wonder

The Metal Project: A is (Also) For Amazing

 

Hello and welcome to another, long-overdue, edition of The Metal Project. 

"And what the hell is The Metal Project?" I hear some of you ask.  

Well, look at the header above.

Does that answer your question? 

Moving on and we're continuing with the Alphabetical order.

Since I still have a load of bands under "A" I'll get them out of the way.

As always, I hope you find something you like. 

Almator - Metal In The Night (Ecuador  2018)

Honour to: Ushupagi Alcoholic

Amalgama - Arenga Metalera (Argentina 2016)

Honour to: Bruno Terrosa

Amazing Maze - Metal Empire (Italy 2007)

(ex-Labyrinth members)

Honour to: Illias Gyf

Angelust - Heavy Metal Lady (USA 2017)

Honour to: Ushupagi Alcoholic

Antcorpus- Na Terra Do Metal (Brazil 2003

Honour to: Thashmania Unerdeath

And lastly, a band that I think is taking the piss but it is hard to tell sometimes. 

Anti-Ben -  Manowar Are No Kings of Metal (But Anti-Ben is) (USA 2001)

Honour to: Ignas Petrauskas

Please check out the channels linked above and give them your support.

That's All Folks

Womens Wrestling In Comics: Jaime Hernandez - Queen of The Ring

 

  I've previously mentioned  Love And Rockets and the offshoot Whoa Nelly! in the context of women's Pro Wrestling so when I heard that Jaime Hernandez was releasing a book of his unpublished wrestling drawings I promptly added it to my shopping  list. 

  I don't feel like I wasted my £15.32 because what I received was a decent sized, nicely bound  hardback book on quality paper and the contests were equally impressive. 

 What you get is a mixture of "pinups", "magazine covers" and "action shots" mostly presented as standalone pieces, although Mr Hernandez does pop up from time to time to offer commentary on his creative process.  

 The artwork is really very good. Not over-fussy but with some impressive touches with movement and personality. 

 The whole book comes across as a loving tribute to the 70s wrestling era; when lady wrestlers were solidly built women with solidly built hair and unflattering Mom swimsuits, and almost certainly hard as nails. 

I think if you're a fan of   Love and Rockets or old-school women's wrestling, you will like this. 

That's All Folks

The Metal Project: A for Abigail

 

Hello and welcome to another long overdue chapter in The Metal Project; an attempt to find and post every song on Youtube that has "Metal" in the title. Or to put it another way - to create the most Metal playlist in human history.   

 Since I have so many songs backed up, I have decided to go back to listing them in Alphabetical order. I sincerely hope you find something to like. Enjoy. 

Abigail - Wild Fire Metal Bitch (Japan 2009)

Honour to: Ushupagi Alcoholic

Acero Letal - Duro Metal (Chile 2014)

 Honour to: KmasterCL

Aeonblack - Metal Bound (Germany 2015)

Honour to: Michael Kan

Aggressor - There's Metal In Texas (USA 1987 Demo)

Honour to: heavymetalmaniac80s

Airborn - Metal Nation (Italy 2014)

Honour to: AirBorn band

Please visit and subscribe to the channels listed above. I'm sure they'd love some support.

That's All Folks. 

I'm BACK!

 Hello again.

 If you're wondering where the hell I've been the last month, I logged into my emails at the start of July to be informed that this blog had been deleted. 

 I have to admit, that did kinda spoil my evening.

  Without going into too much details, this blog was apparently flagged up as dodgy and it took a bit of chasing to get it back again. 

  Now here's a little vid of a dog being all cute and stuff. I love the way he goes from shy to maximum derping in a heartbeat.

 

DVD Review: Triassic Hunt (2021)

 

  The Story: A pair of genetically engineered Allosaurs  are being transported in a truck with woefully weak security measures. Of course they escape because The Corporation or The Military are invariably unable to move these bioweapon horrors more than a mile without fucking it up.  A small team of suspiciously unmilitary mercenaries are called in to recover the beasties and some of them get eaten. 

 I think that covers the basics. 

  One of my many movie pet hates is producers slapping Jurassic onto the cover of any DVD that has dinosaurs in it and nine times out of ten they're late Cretaceous creatures. I blame Spielberg for this one. Thanks a bunch Steve. 

However, here we have some legitimately Jurassic dinosaurs and some numpty decided to go with Triassic Hunt instead. 

 You know, I think this might have been a more interesting film if they'd decided to use some creatures that were actually around in the Triassic. 

 Like this one, for instance. 

 Tanystropheus Witton - sourced from: https://dinopedia.fandom.com/wiki/Tanystropheus

Or how about this: 

Lyddekerina- a giant-ass, carnivorous newt. Created by: dmitrchel@mail.ru

  It would make a refreshing change from badly-CGIed thropods.  Admittedly it's a bit harder to create serious tension when you're hunting animals that are only a serious threat to fish and maybe squirrels. 

  Moving on to the actual film.  Triassic Hunt is the sort of low-budget, dinoschlock that The Asylum pump out on a weekly basis. The low budget means that you end up watching  the small cast running around a warehouse chasing clunky-looking Allosaurs.

. 

 At no point is it ever explained how the dinosaurs are able to fit through doors or climb stairs. 

  There's some attempt to develop the characters, which feels a bit half-hearted and the inevitable "revelations" will surprise nobody. Neither will the ending which I've already seen in a dozen films already. The whole thing is very formulaic. 

Oh, this may possibly be a sequel to a film I haven't seen and don't really care about. 

  To sum up: Triassic Hunt feels like it was bolted together from bits of other movies and has very little fresh, original or even particularly interesting to offer. 

You might get some enjoyment out of this film if you watch it with mates after many beers but I wouldn't count on it.    

That's All Folks. 

Anime review: Blade And Soul (2014)

 

 Alka is an assassin and the last suvivor of the Clan Of The Sword. After her village was wiped out by the Palme Empire, she sought revenge on the dark-magic users responsible. 

 Along the way she runs into a hard-drinking bounty-hunter, a strong-willed grave-robber and an enigmatic innkeeper, all of whom have their own plans.

 I picked this one up because it looked sort of interesting. (And if you haven't read this blog before, anything involving gorgeous women with swords is going to get my attention. I apologise for nothing)

 What I was expecting was fanservice-heavy fluff but Blade And Soul turned out to be a bit of a surprise. 

 While I was right about the fanservice - lots of seriously stacked female characters here - and there is a bit of fluff, the anime is more serious than I was expecting.

  From the bloody opening scene  there's plenty of  death and this includes characters I was expecting to be important. More importantly, some of those deaths turn out to have repercussions. Remember that our heroine Alka is an assassin and as the series progresses, previous jobs come back to hurt her. 

 As a general thing, things did not go the way I was expecting at all. A series with this much jiggling should not have got me so invested.  

  Blade and Soul does have some flaws.  Alka is essentially a blank-faced robot for much of the series and it's made even more noticeable compared to some of the dynamic characters around her.  Once the cracks start to show, she gets a lot more interesting.  

  Problem #2 is that with such a short episode count, a number of interesting ideas are either skipped past or don't pay off.  Example:  Villainess Jin Varrel clearly has an interesting backstory but we never get to see it beyond enigmatic glimpses.  Blade And Soul is based on an MMPORG so maybe some things are explained there. Doesn't help me much, though. 

 And did we really need that beach/hotsprings episode right at the end? It's entertaining and closer to the light-hearted anime I was expected but after the serious tone of the previous episodes it is a bit jarring.  I can't help feeling that the time and effort could have been put to better use.

 On the plus side, the art and animation are more than respectable, with some effort being put into the fights. Even more effort was put into the ending animation, where a certain character show off her dancing skills. I was genuinely impressed.

 Moving on to a pet peeve for a moment, I am always happy to see anime where female characters are obviously grown women, rather than drawn as 12 years olds who just happen to have tits. 

To sum up: Blade And Soul isn't ground-breaking but it turned out to be a pleasant surprise and I enjoyed watching it for all the right reasons. 

Here's the dance routine I was talking about. Enjoy. . 

That's all folks. 

 

Film Review: Invaders Of The Lost Gold (1982)

 

Philippines 1944. A Japanese unit transporting gold through the jungle is attacked by hostile natives and barely manage to hide the gold before being wiped out - except for three officers who vow to return for the gold one day. 

 36 years later. The remaining Japanese officer is "persuaded" to lead a motley collection of  adventurers into the jungle: A rich guy, his daughter and hired hand, a Phillipino couple, a washed up jungle-guide and an arrogant gold-hunter. With the last two in particular absolutely hating each other, it's a question of whether the jungle will kill them before they kill each other. 

 "Invaders Of The Lost Gold" is also known as "Horror Safari" and after watching this film I couldn't help feeling that either title deserves to be applied to a much more exciting movie.

 Don't even get me started on the poster. 

  "Invaders.." just doesn't manage to do anything exciting or even semi-interesting.  According to IMDB the script was being rewritten daily, which might explain why the whole thing feels so patchy.  For a film about treasure hunting in the Jungle there's a distinct absence of adventure. Even as the characters are gradually whittled down by mishap and skulduggery, it's so badly handled that any potential excitement is leached away.  How the hell do you make a crocodile attack boring?  How do you make me wait 75 minutes for a climax that would be considered dull in an Australian daytime soap opera?  

  I would also like to know why one suddenly dies mid-swim for no apparent reason. One minute fine, next minute scared, next minute dead. Did the crew forget to film the shot where somebody killed her? 

  To be fair, the cast isn't bad and this is probably the only time you will see Harold "Oddjob" Sakata and Glynis "spent her whole career playing posh, blonde Brits." Barber in the same film. But dear gods, nothing that anybody does matters.  

To sum up: Invaders Of the Lost Gold is a wasted opportunity. Don't bother. 

Cheapo DVD Review: Ancestral World (2020)

 Genre: We Can't Afford Horses Fantasy

  Years ago a heroic king and a talented mage managed to slay an evil warlord bent on conquering all the realms.

  Now the warlord's remaining followers have kidnapped the king's eldest son. To rescue him, the younger brother must find and retrieve the legendary Ancestral Armour.  Along the way he meets and teams up with a beautiful amazon warrior. 

Before I go on to the movie itself, let's talk about a couple of things first.

1. Ancestral World is a weird thing to call a film.  Normally when you see something like this it's because somebody is trying to cash in on a bigger, better film so a new title gets bolted on. Or the film is foreign and they hired the cheapest  translator to be found. 

 To my surprise "Ancestral World" is what this film was originally called. They couldn't come up with anything more compelling, I guess.  

2. The DVD cover.  As is traditional with this kind of movie, the cover is misleading.  Since neither of the people on it are in the film I wonder if the artist even watched it. Or saw any pictures.  or even knew this cover was going on this filmcase. 

 I have a theory that there's a warehouse somewhere where starving artists crank out fantasy DVD pics that get chuckled into a box and pulled out by any production company that needs artwork.

Here's the alternative cover which does at least have the actual stars on it. 

 It's not a bad likeness but they still included a dragon that isn't in the film.  Ok, one flies overhead at one point which really doesn't count. 

Right now onto the film. 

My immediate thought was that "Ancestral world"  is a bunch of "World of Warcraft" cosplayers making their own movie.  The budget isn't the lowest I've ever seen but they still can't afford horses or more than a handful of cast members. However there is enough for some downright wacky costumes.

Let me show you a couple of examples. 

By comparison our heroes are relatively restrained. 

Hero Prince Mairok.  Got enough knives there, mate? 

 

 Heroine Lantris  showing us why people laugh at Female fantasy Armour. 

It's basically a Belly-Dancer outfit with giant-ass shoulder-pads. 

And why is that anyway? 

Why is that women warriors devote 50% of their armour protection to the shoulders

while totally ignoring everything between the boobs and the belt. 

I am so offended I'm going to post a few more pics.

And again with the shoulderpads.  How does she not rip her jugular open everytime she raises her arms? 

 I have nothing clever to say here so enjoy the blatant fanservice. 

I must admit, it is nice to see a fantasy film trying to look fantastic. 

 The story itself is pure RPG.  Our heroes go here, fight somebody for a plot coupon then move on to fight somebody else. Repeat until they have all the bits and the final showdown happens. 

  For some reason the screenwriter thought that we needed to have the king and his pet witch  give a running commentary for people not paying attention. It doesn't work. Neither does reusing the same bit of "epic " music over and over again. 

  There is an attempt to give Lantris an interesting backstory and to develop the relationship between her and Mairok, all of which seems a bit rushed. 

   And that might be the problem. Ancestral World aims big but has neither the time nor budget to pull it off.  If this was an anime series, there'd be a dozen episodes or so to flesh everything out plus add some extra elements  -like.horses. And more people to fight. And the  dragon advertised on the cover!

How much did I pay for this? £3

Was it worth it?  Personally I thought "Ancestral World" was sort-of OK. It's the sort of generic, low-budget fantasy you watch once then offload to CEX next time you pass by. Seen worse. Seen better. 

 If you really have a thing for women in impractical shoulderpads then you might dig this. Otherwise, as long as you don't expect too much you might find it keeps you diverted for a bit. 

That's all folks. 

Heavy Metal Cover Girls - Angels With Black Wings

 Hello and welcome to another entry in Heavy Metal Cover Girls; a series where I post a bunch of album covers with attractive women front and centre and try to come up with something intelligent about each one. Or just get snarky. Whatever.  

 Angels are a popular theme for Rock/Metal album covers as evidenced by the number of times I've posted them. Sometimes they are used as a symbol of purity and sometimes in their Old Testament role as God's legbreakers.  Interestingly male angels are more often the latter, as far as I can tell. I'm sure theres a discussion worth having but that's a job for somebody else. 

 Don't even get me started on that  "Biblically Accurate Angels" meme that popped up recently. Just going to NOPE right past that and pretend I didn't see anything. 

 What we will be talking about today is a particular subset of Angels: the ones with Black Wings who are very definitely not the warm, protective sort. As we shall see, these are Angels who are happy to walk on the dark side. 

Anthology - The Prophecy (Slovakia 2014)

 I wonder what the Prophecy actually is? 

Anthology - Angel's Revenge (Slovakia 2016)

I see now. The Prophecy was " An angel is going to lose her skirt, get mad and slaughter a whole bunch of dudes."

  Adrian Barilari - InfieRock (Argentina 2019)

 I think this is an Ex-Angel because I am pretty sure those are horns. 

Kinda cute though.  In a scary way. 

 

Black & Damned - Heavenly Creatures (Germany 2021)

 Angels have never understood the concept of "Excessive Force" which is why getting them to chase up parking tickets never goes well. 

Let's give the band a plug, shall we?

Another new album 

Boudreaux - Fallen Angel (USA 2021)

One of the less-threatening fallen angels I've ever posted. 

Not interested in setting cities aflame or harvesting souls - just wants to rock and roll all night and party every day. 

Only fair to give these guys a plug too. 

Chastain - The Reign of Kate (2019)

 Tries reading the awkward font.

Decides it can't possibly say "The Reign of KATE"

Turns out that is exactly what it says.

Meanwhile the cover is about an angel who has been summoned to do a bit of dancing. 

OK then. 

Find me - Dark Angel (Sweden 2015)

 Looking a bit serious here. Contemplating whether to get all fire & brimstone on a city, no doubt.

Helestios - Your Pain Tastes Good (UK 2020)

 Another awkward font. Cheers guys. 

I can't help noticing that she is getting groped by something with tentacles and apparently enjoying it.  Consider my eyebrow raised. 

Always happy to see new British metal so here's a quick plug.

Letzte Instanz - Schuldig (Germany 2008)

 This looks like the sort of comic I'd pick up because of the cover. Probably something about a fallen angel turned bounty hunter while fronting a Gothic band. 

Salem -Attrition (UK 2018)

 Judgement day, bitches. Get in line for your decapitations. 

No kidding, I love this cover. 

I just looked the band up and they are (some) of the same band that formed after the legendary Ethel The Frog split in 1980. 

Holy crap. I didn't know they'd reformed.

I have to post these guys!

  

Scarblade - The Cosmic Wrath (Sweden 2016)

 Another angelic badass.

 How badass is she? 

Her fucking hair is ON FIRE. 

Sündflut - Teufel, Engel & Dämonen (Germany 2017)

 How did I get here and where the bloody hell are all my clothes? 

That's All folks. 

Judge Anderson Pinup

 Since I had my scanner out I thought I'd catch up with some stuff I've been meaning to digitise for a while. While i was doing that I happened to look up and saw the poster jsut above my computer desk. "You know what" I mused "I've been threatening to scan this for a while."

It took a bit of doing because the pster was just slightly larger than the scanner knew what to do with and I had a bitch of a job getting the various bits aligned; even then there's some definite glitches if you look closely enough.

 

Never mind. Here's the infamous  Judge Anderson topless pinup from one of the Summer Specials. 

 No, I don't know where her nipples went. 

  That's All Folks

 

Wrestling Reports October 1964

 A few days ago I got a comment on one of my older posts.

TheWrestlingNick posted :

"Hi. I wonder could you possibly check for me if there's any article about wrestling in Northern Ireland in this issue? And if so, would there be any chance you could provide me a scan of it? Requests from a complete stranger I know!"

 As it turned out, yes there was a little piece about Irish wrestling tucked away near the back so I dug my scaner out from under a pile of books and here it is. If it turns out that one of the wrestlers named is a relative of yours, Nick, then I'd love to hear about it. 

 I figured I might as well scan the rest of the mat reports as well so here they are in no particular order. 

 

This next one mentions two familiar names. 

Jim Breaks who was a  regular on World of Sport well into the 1980s

and Peter Maivia who would go onto star in American rings as well as being The Rock's grandfather.

                                          I did check and I managed to find a little profile on Mihalya Kuty on Wrestling Heritage.

https://wrestlingheritage.co.uk/kkostas.htm

I do find it fascinating that these days you can see a match result on the net about ten minutes after the bell sounds. You can even watch the match itself on any numbr of platforms.

Meanwhile in 1964 if you wanted to know what was going on outside your area then you either hoped your local tv station covered that promotion or you got the magazine weeks, months later. 

 A few more notable names here: Gypsy Joe - now mainly known from his infamous hardcore match with New Jack when he was about 70 - plus some lady wrestlers. I find the idea of Hobo Brazil fascinating. I wonder how many people didn't read the poster properly and  thought they were getting Bobo Brazil. 

 

 Just a reminder that there were promotions all around the country who all had their own stars and champions.

Tim Woods would later go on to be the first Mr Wrestling 

I do find it ineretesting that the USA and UK both had wrestlers called Skull Murphy who had absolutely no connection to each other and wrestled in different decades. Maybe some rings names are too good not to reuse. 

 A number of familiar names but of particular note is the prediction that Pedro Morales "will be a real contender"

And you know what, they were right. 

That's All Folks

 

Been reading: A Lamp for Medusa / The Players of Hell

 

This 1968 paperback contains two novels/novellas, each by a different writer.  Because having two by the same author would make too much sense.  Or if you want to get cynical, the publishers hope you'll seek out the (potential) sequel and buy that too.

1. A Lamp For Medusa - by William Tenn 

  A hapless chef is unwittingly transported into the age of Greek myths and finds himself tasked with removing the deadly Medusa.

  I can tell you right away that the Medusa on the cover is a great deal more attractive than the Medusa in the actual book who is more like the monstrosity in the Clash of the titans films. 

 So if you're hoping for any kind of romantic angle twixt human and gorgon: Nope. Sorry.  

 I had at least heard of William Tenn from reading his marvellous "The Liberation of Earth" and this was more of the same. A breezy, humorous writing style hiding a story that's darker than you think and with some interesting ideas on the flow of time and alternate realities. Needless to say, the story doesn't play out the way you expect either. 

  On the whole this is a pretty decent tale that might not have kept me gripped but definitely kept me reading.

2. The Players of Hell By Dave Van Arnam

Awandering rogue is recruited to steal a fabulous, magical item from a heavily-guarded palace. However, he is merely a pawn in a much bigger game.

 The very first page instroduces you to a wizard called Azeltaram the Black Magician and I think that tells you a lot about what this book is about. It's the sort of fantasy you really don't get these days,where everybody has exotic names, wizards lob lightning bolts about with abandon and characters start taven brawls for the hell of it with backroom politicking and scoio-economic commentary absolutely ignored. 

 If you want a comparison I'm thinking of the Thongor or Brak the Barbarian books with a less muscly hero.  Assuming you can cope with the deliberately archaic style of writing and dialogue then you might enjoy this. Personally I enjoyed it enough that I do actually want to track down the sequel. 

 Huh. Looks like the marketing plan worked after all.

 

Where are you all coming from?

   I don't update this blog much these days which also means I only pop in now and then.  So when I decided to check out my current stats I got one helluva shock. 

 Normally I am doing well if I get over a hundred views per day but for some reason I am getting several hundred pageviews. Not that I'm complaining but I do have to ask: What on Earth is going on? Are you all bots or something?

  Just so you have something to look at here's a picture of some of my model collection:

 

 

Heavy Metal Cover Girls...Up A Dark Alley

 In this series I post a load of metal/rock album covers that share a loose theme. One of the things I keep saying is that if an idea has been done once it will be done twice. Now that may be down to the artist going "Hey. I like this cover so how about I do my own version of it." but more often it's because the band & design team want to create a particular mood and there are certain tropes which work really well. There's a reason I've posted so many album covers about angels and warrior women, after all. 

  Sometimes, though, it is a case of two artists arriving at the same point entirely by coincidence.  You'll see what I mean in a minute. 

So the theme I'm going with tonight is "Cover Girl + Dark Alley" and right away I know what you're thinking.

Don't worry, I don't post that sort of cover.  Now let's take a trip into the back streets and see who we might find. 

One thing I do enjoy is bands that try and have some shared elemts across their album covers. Maiden have Eddie, Megadeth had Vic Rattlehead and US melodic rockers Bugzy have... actually we never do get her name.  probably not Bugzy though. That would be weird. 

 I love the fact that these three covers tell a little story.

 Bugzy - Plan B (USA 2017)

 Oh noes. no tickets left. Our devoted fanisn't going to let that stop her

 Bugzy - Centre of Attraction (USA - 2018)

 

 

Sadly the attempt to sneak in by the backdoor is busted.
Damn, that place has serious security.

Bugzy - She's the One (USA 2018)

 The band take pity on our gorgeous redhead, probably because she's a gorgeous redhead, and not only

 let her in but get Red to model for their next album cover. I love a happy ending. 

 

Nocny Kochanek - Hewi Metal (Poland 2015)

 We seem to have stryed into a couple having a cute moment. Not sure why they're having it in a filthy alley but whatever.

 Let's leave them alone and move on. 

 

Slam Alley - 21 Fire (USA 2009)

 Why are you wearing a bikini/ This isn't even a beach. The beach is miles away. Also, it's midnight.  Put some clothes on before you freeze to death. 

 

Rumble Syndicate - Face Down Bottoms Up

 Huh. Forensic scientists didn't look like this in my day. Shouldn't she be wearing gloves or something? 

Murder District -Дерись! EP (Russia 2016)

 Here's a tip for would-be muggers, gangsters and other degenerates...

if the girl you ambush starts smiling like this then back away slowly and possibly consider taking up a new line of work.  

 Go see if the Post Office is hiring. 

Or get you teeth kicked out. see if I care. 

(Actually, is it just me or does she look a bit like a young Cynthia Rothrock? )

 

Remember I was talking about "if an idea has been done once it will be done twice."

Here's a perfect illustration of that.  

We have a very specific set of elements and yet two completely different artists have hit on the same formula independently.  I think that's fascinating.

I'm going to take a guess at the reasoning and I think it goes like this:

"We're a thrash band so we need something violent on the cover and we also want a hot babe

But since violence against women is totally uncool, let's have her be the one killing people!"

Legal Tender - Lust In Demons EP (USA 2013)

 

 

Project Pain - Thrashed To Kill (NLD 2015)

So we have two different underdressed axe-murderers roaming the streets. 

Now I'm scared.

Can we go home please? 

Hope you enjoyed this post and why not go check out the bands?

 

THAT'S ALL FOLKS.