Sunday, 21 May 2017

The Eurovision Metal Contest Group 3

Metal Songs About Metal. Ultimate Metal Song List

 How time flies when you're...busy with work and life and a bunch of other crap. Oh well. 

This is the belated final batch of this year's  Eurovision Metal Contest. Hope you like it.

Austria

Insanity Alert - Metal Punx Never Die (2016)



Credit to: Bruno Terrosa

Germany

Sacred Steel- Heavy Metal Sacrifice (2016)



 Credit to: Unknown Power Metal YT


Switzerland

Burning Witches - Metal Demons (2017)


Credit to: Burning Witches


Poland

Kelthuzzar - Prawdziwego Metalu Kult (2007)


Credit to: Xsatanisticx


Slovakia

Oldblood - Heavy Metal Night (2010)


Credit to: Mefistofelesblack

And that's it for another year.
Yes, I know I posted Portugal twice. 

Oops.


That's all folks. 

Sunday, 14 May 2017

The Eurovision Metal Contest 2017 (Group 2)



Well that's Eurovision done with for another year and it delivered more than enough drama, bum notes, bizarre voting and weird shit for anybody's liking. (Seriously, does anybody know wtf was going on with Azerbaijan's horse-man on a lader?) Never mind, we can still milk the Eurovision euphoria for a wee while longer with a second dose of Eurovision metal.
See here: The-eurovision-metal-contest-2017-group 1 for the first batch of songs and a quick rundown of the rules.

Greece

Paladine - The Metaliser (2017)




I'm cheating a bit on the next one. 

Sweden

Golden Resurrection - Heavenly Metal (Instrumental 2013)


Credit to: Walter Dornez


Norway

Black Viper - Metal Blitzkreig (2016)


Credit to: Shinjuku Mad

Portugal

Alcoholocaust - Thrash Metal Ataque (Demo 2006)




Credit to : ThrashMetalPT



Arkham Witch - Metal Queen 2014)


Credit to: The Nazgul

See you soon for the third and final batch.

That's all folks. 

Wednesday, 10 May 2017

The Eurovision Metal Contest 2017 (Group 1)

Ultimate Metal Playlist

 The eyes of the world are once again drawn to the annual event that is the Eurovision Song Contest, where the nations of Europe (And Israel. And several states in the Caucasus. And ...err...Australia.) come together in a glorious celebration of song, spectacle, silly outfits and dubious voting practices.

  And as is my annual custom I'm going to do my own version. 

Here are the rules.
1. The song must contain the word "Metal" or some variation thereof. (See the enormous header.)
2. It must be a song I have never posted before. (Which can make life awkward)
3. It must be from within the last 10 years. (A rule I'm quite flexible on, actually.)
4. Songs will be posted in small batches. (Because I'm lazy)
5. If I don't post a song from a particular country it's only because I can't find one. (Laziness again.)

So here we go with the first batch. Enjoy.  

Australia

Archaize - Metal Exorcism (2014)



Credit to: Matt Tyson


Portugal

Autopsya - Thrash Metal Army (2013)


Honour to: Bruno Terrosa


Finland

Night Crime - Metal Pollution (2014)



Credit to: Antti Heikenen

And you can exepect to see that cover in an upcoming edition of Heavy Metal Cover Girls.


Czech Republic.

 Falcar - The Metal Crusade (2016)



Netherlands

Chainsaw- Metal Commandments (2013)


Credit to: ChainsawHellYeah

That's it for this round but expect more to some.
Exactly how many depends on whether I can find songs for Azerbaijan and San Marino and
whether I decide to sneak in some other random countries. Indonesia for instance.

That's all folks. 


Monday, 8 May 2017

So there was this spider...

 It was sometime in the early hours of the morning and I had just drifted from a deep sleep into a state that was not quite awake, not quite asleep. Conscious enough to talk to you but not enough to remember what the hell either of us had said - that sort of thing.

Let's call it "sleep-drunk"

   I shifted my head on the pillow. Shifted it again...then rolled over and opened my eyes...

...To find a spider hanging 3 inches away from my nose. 

   Most of the time me and spiders are cool. They do their thing, I do mine and we co-exist quite happily.

  This spider was not cool. For starters it was ghostly-white and it was staring at me with eight blood red eyes, quite obviously intent on crawling up my nose while I was asleep and laying it eggs in my brain.

 (Did I mention that I was half-asleep at the time and Mr "Rational Thought" hadn't reported for duty yet.?)

  Which, I think, explains why my immediate reaction was to go "Aaarrgghhh" and launch a wild left-hook. 

  The evil, brain-eating arachnid had just time to register the fleshy asteroid inbound and hostile before it was crushed violently between my knuckles and the wall.

 In retrospect punching it another couple of times may have been overkill. 

 So if my neighbours are wondering why I was banging on the wall last night, that's why. It's also why I was pulling the mattress and bedding off so I could make sure the fucking thing was actually dead.   

 Because you know what's worse than a spider from hell?  A spider from hell that wants revenge.

That's all folks. 


Saturday, 29 April 2017

Heavy Metal Cover Girls: In Space!

  Ok, so my plan to post on a daily basis kinda went tits-up but that's what happens to plans. Stuff happens, plans change, planners try and make it seems like they had it under control the whole time.

 Now let's look at some album covers. 

  Since I've just been watching Doctor Who, I think I'll reuse the theme of Sci-Fi - although obviously all these are from a less cerebral strain of Science Fiction that places more emphasis on Blasters and Skintight trousers. Or no trousers at all. 

The Pass Outs - Dead Technology (Australia 2017)

SciFi Album cover sexy metal bikini
Celebrating one of the most memorable moments in Sci-Fi history and many a young boy's adolescent dreams,
while at the same time paying tribute to Princess Leia being a legitimate badass.

Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Heavy Metal Cover Girls:Blindfold Beauties.

The hour is late and I've just remembered that I was supposed to be posting every day this week. 
Time to delve into my Cover Girls folder and see if there's a sub-folder that's nice and full. 

Ah. here we go. 

Album cover artists do tend to use and reuse the same tropes over and over again. Nakedness to represent  vulnerability, curled up in a corner to signify being lost and hurt , butt-cheeks to represent how much the artist likes arses. You get the idea. 
  Sometimes the message is clear. Sometimes it's a bit more obscure. Sometimes there isn't really a message - the band and artist merely wanted a striking visual image and any interpretation is in our own heads.

 So my question for you is this: When an album cover has a woman on the cover with her eyes hidden under a fold of cloth what do you think that's supposed to mean? 

  Kissin' Black - Heart Over Head (Switzerland/Italy 2014)

album cover blondfolded woman
  As blindfolds go, phase-shifting half her face into the shadow realm is pretty bloody effective.  



Sinner - Dangerous Charm (Germany 1987)

metal album blonde woman blindfolded
Whereas this blindfold is just bloody useless.
Oi you. No peeking. 


小雨 - 破墨山谷 

(Mysterain - After The End Of The Valley)(China 2016)

metal album cover girl blindfolded
This is one of those where I'm sure there's a story waiting to be told. 
Something about a sage, maybe?
There's at least two different ways you can interpret "After The End Of The Valley" and one of them is a bit grim.

Экскалибур - В руках судьбы EP (Russia 2011)

(Excalibur - In The Hands of Fate EP)
Blindfolded woman image
So why does a woman who can't see need a lantern anyway?
Hmm. Is this some sort of Zen thing?
And is this the sister of the lady in the Mysterain cover?


Azylya - Sweet Cerebral Destruction (Belgium 2013)

album cover blindfolded woman art
If nothing else we've established that album covers from literally all over the world can share similar themes. 
Anybody else find that interesting? 
The album cover? Yeah..it's nice but I've got nothing. 

Constraint - Enlightened By Darkness (Italy 2016)

Try taking the bloody blindfold off. I guarantee you'll stop bumping into things. 



General Greed -Rectifying For Justice (Sweden 2017)

As superheroes go, Blindfold Singing Justice Woman was quite effective
She desperately needed a snappier name though. 
Very, very Comics-influenced isn't it. 


Excuse- Goddess Injsutice EP (Finland 2016)

Another rare case where the cover relates to the actual album title. 
Now look closely at her eyes. 
Changes the meaning, doesn't it?


The Longing - Bleed (USA 2016)

I think we just walked into a BDSM fantasy gone horribly wrong. 


Stonelake - Shades Of Eternity (Sweden 2009)

I like this cover despite the fact that I don't understand it.
Some sort of Sci-Fi thing going on...maybe something about perception?

Sometimes there was no hidden message beyond "Make it look cool"

That's all folks. 

Tuesday, 25 April 2017

Alestorm have a new video out.

 Years and years back one of the regulars on the Bloodstock forums shared a link to some music his band had been working on. The band was called "Battleheart" and they described themselves as Scottish Pirate Metal.
 What I didn't know at the time was that Battleheart would evolve into Alestorm and while they might never be the biggest band in metal they sure as hell were one of the most entertaining. 
   
On April 21 the kings of True Scottish Pirate Metal released a taster for their upcoming album and all the trademarks are present and correct.  Keytar - check. Lyrics about Rum and pirates - check. Chorus that embeds itself in your skull - check. Fun video that doesn't take itself too seriously - check, check and check again.

 Alestorm make heavy metal to get drunk to. Excellent.


Is that Peter frigging Dinklage in the video? 
Somebody tell me if it is, I'm dying to know. 

Monday, 24 April 2017

Heavy Metal Cover Girls: Baby's Got Back

 I haven't posted much lately so to make up for it, I'm going to attempt to post very day this week.

Note the word "Attempt"

 And I'm going to start at the bottom. Several bottoms in fact, because today I'm going to do a post I've been threatening for years. An entire collection of Metal album covers starring womens' butt-cheeks and nothing but butt-cheeks.   I was honestly amazed at how many there are. 

  Slippery - First Blow (Brazil 2012)

album cover buttocks

 Commentary is probably not a good idea.  There's not a lot I can say without resorting to "Carry On" jokes.

Bash Nasty - Vinyl EP (USA 2001)

Heavy Metal Cover Girls


Burdel King - ¡Ladran, Luego Cabalgamos! (Spain 2011)


In case you haven't noticed yet, the degree of cheek-coverage is steadily going down. 
Leave now if this is going to be a problem. 

Blood God - No Brain, But Balls! (Germany 2012)

Neither brain nor balls on display here. Just saying. 

Sinner - Touch of Sin (Germany 1985)


Sinner - Touch of Sin 2 (Germany 2013)

Praying to the Butt God, I see. 

Beautiful Beast - California Suntan (USA 2012)

Glam Rock sexy

Loudness - Dragon (Japan 1998)

Heavy metal sexy women

I bet I could do at least another post just on bums... 
..but I probably shouldn't. 

That's all folks. 

Sunday, 23 April 2017

The Southsea Cookie Monster

This is a rather striking piece of wall art just round the corner from Southsea Town Centre. 

I like it. I hope you will too. 





If anybody from the art team is reading this: massive fan of your work. Thanks for making my town a bit more colourful.

Monday, 17 April 2017

DVD Review: The Beaster Bunny (2014)

Genre: Low Budget Creature-Feature
"Hide your eggs! A 50 foot Man-eating Easter Bunny is on the loose...
...And the townsfolk don't stand a hop in hell.
As the bloodthirsty, floppy-eared killer leaves a trail of dismembered corpses, the town's only chance of survival rests with a wannabe actress and a crazy dog-catcher.
God help them!"

  The cover and the blurb make this film sound much better than it really is. Because - and there is no polite way of saying this, even if I wanted to - this film is terrible.  
  
 All you need to know about The Beaster Bunny can be summed up in one screenshot. 

 This is what BunnyZilla looks like. 


   Holy crap, this thing looks awful - and the shiteness doesn't end there. I am convinced that the animation team  just used an old, motheaten stuffy rabbit on some bits of string.because the bloody thing lurches along like Muffin The Mule. (Or the  Team America mannequins if you're not old.)

  The lack of budget also extends to the cast, half of whom, pull double duty. I'm fairly certain the same girl was eaten twice. 
 I think the producers were hoping that the audience would be distracted by the jarring outbreaks of gratuitous nudity and not notice small details like that. Or the fact that there's some terrible, terrible acting on display. Or that they slipped in some aerial scenery shots that bore no resemblance to the actual location.  FFS, one of them had a desert in it. 

  Or maybe they wanted us to notice. 

  Maybe they were making a deliberate attempt to make an Asylum-style schlocky, snarkbait rich Crap Creature Feature. It's so heard to tell these days. 

  Personally I just thought it was wank, full stop.
Not recommended, even when very drunk  

 And since this film has already been re-released once with a different title, expect The Beaster Bunny to show up again two/three Easters down the line with a new name and a new cover that lies to you. 

Just avoid anything with a big rabbit on the cover and you should be safe. 

Here's the trailer. Make up your own mind. 



That's all folks. 
  

Thursday, 6 April 2017

The Metal Project: Short and Savage

Metal songs about metal

    Metal bands have always loved a good epic. Rhyme Of the Ancient Mariner, One, Victim of Changes... a whole bunch of Dream Theater songs....basically a chance to fit in some extended soling, Proggy time changes and two and a half pages of lyrics.

 Then there's bands that go the other way. Bands that take the stripped down, no frills approach of Punk and file it down even further.  Throw in a vicious sense of humour and you have the bands I'm posting today.

Every single one of these songs has the word "Metal" in the title. 

Just don't expect the usual fist-in-the air stuff.

Morbid Axe -Metal God is Gay  (Japan 2007)

(Well I did warn you.)

Honour to: FissoNoise666

Adrenicide - Metal Fucking Metal (UK 2011)


Honour to: Sillykid721

Coffin Born - Piano Metal (USA 2002)

(I don't normally do instrumentals but this one is...interesting)
<

Honour to: Dave Smith


Bursa Lamb - Beee Metal (Greece 2014)

(A band that describe their sound as "Intergalactic deathsheep lounge music".)


Honour to: Bursa lamb

The Anal Treatment XXXperience - Black Metal Boy-Toy (Greece 2014)

(I am anticipating some novel search queries coming my way because of this one.)

Honour to: Analos Blastatos


Captain Cleanoff - Life Metal (Australia 2008)


Honour to: The Grind Show

Have you noticed that these are getting shorter and shorter?

Blister Unit - Gunmetal (USA 2010)


Honour to: CrazyMetalZombie


Scholastic Death- We Think Metal Music Is Awesome But... (USA? 2004)

(Probably more punk than Metal but fuck it.
Their Final Examiner album had 44 tracks on it!)


Honour to: Sillykid721


Total Fucking Destruction - Fear Of A Black Metal Planet (USA 2000)



Honour to: The Grind Show


And finally...

Shyshit - Cream Metal (Canada 2011)


It took longer to post that song than it did to listen to it!

Honour to: ShyshitFactory

That's all folks


Wednesday, 29 March 2017

The Metal Project: Maximum Metal Video

metal songs about metal ultimate metal songlist

 Hello and welcome to a somewhat overdue edition of The Metal Project; my ongoing quest to create the most Metal playlist in human history.

  After abruptly running out of alphabet because there's surprisingly few metal bands starting with X that also write songs called "Metal Avenger/Battle/Budgie/Whatever"  I resorted to digging out some stuff I've been meaning to post for a while.
  Usually I try and post the song but for this lot I could only find promo videos.


  What the hell. Still counts. 

 As always I hope you find something you like. Enjoy. 

Fireforce - Combat Metal (Belgium 2014)



Silent Eye - Heavy Metal (South Korea 2011) 


Debauchery - Heavy Metal Monsternaut (Germany 2016)NSFW!


Jackdevil - Under The Metal Command (Brazil 2012)


And to finish: A bona-fide Canadian Metal Legend!

Thor- Metal Avenger (Canada 2014)



Monday, 27 March 2017

Terrible Metal Album Covers XXV

I got a bit of a shock when I opened up my Blogger page today and discovered that I'd had a months worth of page views in a day, courtesy of  http://www.metafilter.com/  and http://dangerousminds.net/  pointing people in the direction of Terrible Metal Album Covers.


 I think the Internet is trying to tell me something.

 So here we go with another batch of album covers that are never going to be in any coffee-table books. Not unless the title includes the words "Shite", "Wank" or "Drawn by a chimp" at any rate.

Please note that  Terrible album cover   Terrible band. 

  Chaos Injected (Finland 2016)

   I've had dreams like this.
The inside of my head frightens me.   

 

Sunday, 26 March 2017

Debbie Combs

Evening all.

 I thought I'd post a couple of scans I've had lying around for a while. These feature a second-generation lady wrestler who got around a lot during the 1980s-early 1990s wrestling for any promotion that booked ladies: Debbie Combs.  

  
women wrestling 1980s
Debbie is having a bad day courtesy of the much-missed Sherri Martel (1985ish)

  Years later Debbie dishes out some punishment to "Awesome" Ondy Austin. (1990?)
   Note the contrast in ring gear. 
Debbie is still rocking the classic swimsuit combo while Ondy's hair and outfit are more modern-looking. 

 I'm sure I have some more lady wrestler pics kicking around if you want to see them. 

Anyway for now, that's all folks. 

Sunday, 19 March 2017

Movie Review: Star Odyssey (1979)



  After winning Earth in a Galactic auction alien tyrant Lord Kress comes to view his new property and collect a cargo of  Earthling slaves.
 Since nobody told the Earthlings they were under new ownership they object to this quite violently. In turn Lord Kress and his crew of  blond-wigged lackies turn Earth's defences into smoking embers.

 In desperation the head of the Earth's military turn to super-scientist Maury for help.
  The conversation runs a bit like this "Please help. Only we won't give you any actual resources or assistance  and if anything goes wrong we'll blame you."
  "Oh. Alright then."

Gathering a crack team (consisting of a cocky spaceman, a crooked gambler, an acrobatic boxer, a pair of disreputable scientists, his daughter and a pair of  lovestruck robots who are deeply, fucking annoying) Maury sets to work on finding a defence for Earth. Only, not in any great hurry. It's not like people are being harvested or anything.

  There are a few positive things that can be said about this slice of Italian low-budget hokum.

 The costume and makeup departments seem to have been the only people who bothered making an effort. Marisa Longo's leather leotard is a piece of marketing genius (see poster) while Lord Krell's scaly face-makeup is actually quite impressive. Somebody also had to find a job-lot of He-Man blond wigs for Krell's henchmen. That can't have been easy.

  The scene where spring-heeled boxer Norman battles a boxing android is quite memorable and the most entertaining thing in the whole film. Possibly the only entertaining thing in fact.

  Now let's look at all the things Star Odyssey  gets wrong, starting with the title.

Dictionary.com defines Odyssey as : "A long series of wanderings or adventures, especially when filled with notable experiences, hardships etc." None of which happens in this film. Methinks the producers wanted a title with "Star." in it somewhere and picked a word that sounded cool.
  Basically we're in the realms of Star-Wars cash-ins again. As we shall see, if we're not scraping the bottom of the barrel  we're not far off it.

  Some of the problems can be put down to budget restrictions: the way the destruction of Earth's defences is lovingly rendered in WW2 stock footage. ( black and white!), the invading clones being armed with Space swords that are literally wooden swords painted with shiny white paint, and the special effects generally being on the level of a 1950s drive-in timefiller.

  Others can be laid squarely at the fault of the director and writers.
  The pace is slow and the characters meander towards their final battle with all the urgency of pensioners looking for a nice cardigan. Apparently nobody has noticed that Earth just got invaded which is why Maury's team can take their time.  Can I also point out once again that our heroes have been told "Go save the Earth but sort it out yourselves."  You'd think that Defence Command would have provided a few guards and a space ship or two. Instead the impressively moustached male leads have to nick one.
  Then there's the two frigging robots who add nothing whatsoever to the story. "Star Wars had robots. We should have robots". - but sod giving them any relevance or making them look anything other than crap Tin Man knockoffs.
  The acting is nothing special and anyway the English dub stamps out any possible nuance or emotional inflection. Special mention must be made of ace pilot "Hollywood" who hams it up so much even the other characters point it out. The guy spends the whole film acting like he's in a propaganda newsreel - all fists on hips and dramatic stances - I'm honestly not sure if that was meant to be funny or not.
  Action? There is some. It isn't very good and I got bored.

What really makes Star Odyssey stand out in all the wrong ways is the editing. Whoever stitched the film together put two entire scenes in the wrong place.   In a better film I might think it was a deliberate storytelling trick or a flashback but here it is quite obvious that the reels are in the wrong order.

And nobody noticed. 

 Did nobody bother viewing the finished product before they shoved it out to cinemas?   Or did everybody concerned lose interest as soon as the footage was in the can? That shows how much of a shonky, quick-buck lash-up we're dealing with here. 

To sum up: If you like low-budget Italian knockoffs you still won't like this. As a film Star Odyssey fails as anything other than an object lesson in how not to do it.  Avoid


That's all folks. 

Saturday, 11 March 2017

Heavy Metal Cover Girls: On Heavenly Wings.

  Hello and welcome to another edition of Heavy Metal Cover Girls. A series where I look at Rock & Metal album covers starring attractive young women, usually wearing something impractical.

 As of the last time I checked, I've done 70+ of these so far and still have hundreds more covers to post, so whenever I'm running short on ideas I can always whip out a bunch of buxom, metallic amazons waving broadswords about.

 I could post album covers with landscape paintings, or Vikings, or fighter jets but frankly I'd rather post a cover that has landscape + pretty girl, pretty girl flying a fighter or pretty girl who is also a Viking.
Shrugs. Everybody has their interests. This is one of mine.

  I realise the intro was a little longer than usual but there's a reason for that:

As happens a lot, I had no idea what the theme was going to be until just now.  

 I have decided that today's theme is going to be those heavenly enforcers of Divine will, those protectors and punishers of Humanity, those women who find it impossible to get bras that fit properly due to certain anatomical peculiarities... Angels.

Age Of Dust - Messenger In A Soulless World (Spain 2015)

 

  This is one of the nice, New Testament angels so nobody is getting smited this time around. 
Having said that, if a glowing woman with wings pops up while you're on a snowy mountaintop somebody is probably in trouble
 ... and I'm afraid it's you.  

Wednesday, 8 March 2017

Youtube ads are just taking the piss now.

 I'm going to go on record as saying that I'm not a big fan of Youtube ads. Intellectually I'm aware that the the site and the video creators need funding, and that adverts are required for this.

  That's my head talking. What my heart says when I have to sit through another painful Lilly Singh advert before I can watch some parkour fails is unprintable until somebody comes up with Black Speech keyboard.   I also wonder who thinks that when I want to watch a new Metal video, what I'd really be interested in seeing first is 30 unskippable seconds of twee indie-pop.

Don't even get me started on adverts midway through a video. "What the fuck?" barely covers it.

Today, however... today marks the point at which Youtube ads cross over into whole new realms of fuckwittery.  Because today is the day I decided to watch the trailer for upcoming disaster-fest Geostorm and had to sit through another trailer first.

A  trailer for Geostorm.

 That's right, my pretty marsupials. The bots that run Youtube decided I had to watch the exact same trailer that I was going to watch anyway, only without the option to skip. 

 The only way that could be any more up its own arse would be if the trailer stopped midway through so I could watch a trailer for Geostorm while a pop-up ad for Geostorm suddenly covered half the screen.  I pray I am safely dead before things get that bad. 

And Geostorm looks a bit stupid anyway.



That's all folks. 

Sunday, 26 February 2017

Movie Review : The Humanoid (1979)

Genre: Sci-Fi/Space Opera

  An Evil Warlord and an Evil Scientist plan to create an army of invincible warriors. Evil invincible warriors.    A gentle giant of a spaceship pilot happens to  wander too close to their Evil Base and they do Evil Science-y stuff to make him an Evil version of the Incredible Hulk. 
   Can a pretty scientist, a heroic pilot and a child prodigy stop the monsters rampage and save the Galaxy?  

 And how much can the producers rip off from Star Wars before George Lucas sends his boys round to break somebodies legs?  

  The Humanoid reunites two of the stars from The Spy Who Loved Me as Richard Kiel and Barbara Bach make the most of their improved box-office value.   Kiel spends most of the film essentially being "Jaws - In space"

While Bach seems to have catastrophically fallen out with her hairdresser  

  This film blatantly lifts most of it's design aesthetic from Star Wars to the point where I'm amazed they didn't just call the whole damn thing Star Battles.  


  Here's what the head bad guy looks like.
  

  He rides around in something that is almost but not-quite a Star Destroyer crewed by guys who are totally not Imperial Stormtroopers because their armour is black instead of white.  
  
  The Empire at least pretends that they aren't the Bad Guys. This lot are not only proud of it but their battle flag is probably a black jackboot stamping on  a basket of kittens. Makes you wonder how they recruit. 

"Are you Evil?"
"Err...yes." 
"You're in. Now stamp on these kittens and we'll get your health insurance sorted. Hah! I'm kidding ."
"About stamping on kittens?"
"No. About the Health Insurance. We're Evil. Deal with it"

   Luckily the good guys have their own secret weapon. Not a wise Jedi Master because (lawyers) but the next best thing.  A precocious wunderkind. 
 The lovely Corinne Cléry is saddled with a hideous necklace and little smartarse. 

  There is an explanation for who this kid is and why he has freaking magic powers but frankly it's a bit stupid. 

 There is no explanation as to why the entire armed might of the Forces of Good apparently consists of a dozen blokes wearing knocked-off Rebel combat gear. 

  There is also no real explanation for why the Evil plan revolves around creating slow, lumbering zombies instead of,  I dunno, just nuking the opposition planet into glass.   

  In keeping with this film being a patchwork of "borrowed" ideas, the soundtrack consists of synthy noodlings performed by jobbing Prog Rockers alternating with orchestral bits that may have been left over from earlier films; both being slapped onto the film at random.
Then I found out who did the music for the Humanoid. 

  The Ennio Morricone?  The near-legendary soundtrack maestro?  Blimey. 

 When it comes right down to it The Humanoid is a blatant attempt at cashing in on Star Wars but without the budget, put together by people who ripped off as many ideas as they could using a cast that needed the money.  The special effects are 1970s TV quality, the soundtrack is pants and the whole thing is a bit stupid. 

 I rather liked it. 

  The Humanoid might be a bad movie but it's an entertaining bad movie and is probably best watched when drunk while playing a game of "Spot the blatant ripoff."

Watch if you want something that's not quite as silly - or as booby - as Starcrash but still fancy a good helping of Italian Cheese. 

 I shall leave you with the trailer. 


That's all folks.

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