Heavy Metal Cover Girls - Actually Wearing Armour

 Hello and welcome to another edition of Heavy Metal Cover Girls. 

 There's a very good reason why I keep posting album covers with women warriors on them. Heavy metal artists have created lot and lot of them. At this point I think I've done six posts and I could easily do another ten more. 

 

 But today I fancied doing something a bit different. Out of all the pics I have saved, amongst all the chain-mail bikinis and topless amazons, how many of these women are actually wearing proper armour. 

 I found six 

Ok then, let's dive in, shall we?

Fiona - Greatest Hits (USA 2009)

This one is cheating a bit because somebody just recycled a bit of Dragonlance artwork.

It's also an odd choice for an artist who has no fantasy influences in her music whatsoever.  

Savage Grace - Sign of the Cross (USA 2023)

Not wearing a helmet but to be honest, I don't know how she'd get all that hair under a bascinet anyway. 

The rest of the harness seems pretty realistic though. 

 I do want to know the story with the bloody guy at her feet. 

Friend? Enemy? 

Is she offering the late rites or telling him "I told you I'd get my revenge."

Scythia - Lineage (Canada 2016)

 In a rare example, she is wearing more armour than he is and look how that worked out.

Simacota - Suando El Silencio Se Rompe  (Colombia 2017)

Why are none of them wearing a damn helmet? 

Anyway, a nice samurai-influenced rig that protects most of the important bits and the 

designer has resisted the urge  to add a boob-window, boob plates or massive shoulderpads. 

I approve. 

A Sound of Thunder - Only One Can Rule EP ( USA 2024)

I guess she couldn't find a helmet that fit her horns.

I also feel those spikes on her should plates are more a menace to her than the enemy.

Minor Quibbles.  

This last one is stretching it a bit but I want to emphasise something here.

Even though her armour is apparently put together from bits found in the bin,

she is still wearing more armour than normal.  

Soleil Moon - Warrior (USA 2019)

 You're not wearing any padding so that's gonna chafe you to buggery. 

Maybe once you kill that wizard, you can upgrade to some leg armour too. 

For those of you missing the chainmail bikinis, normal (fan)service will be resumed next time I do one of these. 

Or I might post Gorgons instead. We shall see how I feel. 

That's All Folks

Heavy Metal Cover Girls- With Arms Wide Open

 Hello everybody

 Sorry I haven't been posting much lately but remember that time Blogger deleted my blog and when I finally got it back, all my daily pageviews were in the toilet? Well,  turns out that dented my enthusiasm a bit.

 But I promised myself I'd be a bit more active this week so here we go with another episode of Heavy Metal Cover Girls. If you haven't seen any of these before  then the idea is this: I post a collection of Metal/Rock album covers linked by a loose theme and try to say something about each one. Don't expect in-depth analysis, more like shallow snarking and blatant fanservice.  

So what's the theme today?  

Since the weather is really good at the moment, my original plan was to go with "Cover Girls enjoying the sunshine"  Turns out that there are surprisingly few of those in Heavy Metal  but I did find something else I've never done before.  

 What I'm doing this time around is "Cover girls with their arms outstretched to the side". Call it T-Posing, call it the Jesus Christ Pose call it the "Whee, I'm an airplane" pose, there's different reasons to throw the arms open wide. Hopefully deodorant has been applied beforehand. 

 Dark Sarah - My Name is Luna (Single? Finland 2020)

A basic T-pose to start off with. 

I quickly found out that there's lots of variations.

Heavy Metal Cover Girls - In Wimples

 Hello and welcome to another edition of Heavy Metal Cover Girls; a series where I post Rock/Metal album covers linked by a theme and then attempt to say something interesting about each one. 

 Or at least something better than "BOOBS!" anyway.

Nuns are on more metal album covers than you would think.  At first sight the combination of  a music form known for being anti-religious and women known for devoting themselves to Christ is an odd one.

 Then again, as we shall see, these nuns have taken a walk on the wild side. 

Lorihen - Bajo La Cruz (Argentina 2007)

Let's be charitable and pretend she's looking up at the altar with religious devotion.

Moving on. 

Bongtower - Altered States (Russia 2019)

I think this is a metaphor for the constant struggle to remain on the right path in the face of temptation and peer pressure. 

 Or a Stoner band wanted to see nuns getting baked. 

 

Waddya know, nuns and booze are on the next one too. 

Junkyard Drive - Sin And Tonic (Denmark 2017)

 You can just tell what this band sound like from the cover alone.  Which means it's done its job, I guess.

 

  I'm beginning to suspect some of these women aren't really nuns at all...

Knighthood - Bad Habits (UK 2014)

Oops sorry, wrong church. We were looking for St. Judes. They're having a bake sale today.

You aren't having bake sale, by any chance?

No?

OK then, we'll just be leaving. Sorry for interrupting.

At this point we're beyond "nuns behaving badly" and reached "nuns going into Ken Russell territory."

Darkest Sins - S/T (Norway 2012)

Whatever is going on here, it's heavily implied that the nun is enjoying herself.
Each to their own 

Burdel King  -  Si Dios Esta en Todas Partes... Fuego a Discreción!   (Spain 2016)

Well this isn't St. Judes either.

We're looking for the bake sale...

No we aren't naughty and need spanking.

We just wanted a nice sponge cake.

No that isn't a code for anything!

BYEEE!

Besatt - Impia Symphonia EP (Poland 2015)

BOOBS!

And that's all folks

Heavy Metal Cover Girls: Warrior Women 2022

 In thought it was about time I did another Heavy Meal Cover Girls so here we go.

  For those of you wondering what that's all about it is quite simple: I post a bunch of album covers that sort of share a theme and try to pretend I'm offering some sort of analysis rather than blatant fanservice. 

  It shouldn't surprise anybody that Metal bands love putting badass warriors on their album covers and quite a few of them will therefore be  female.  I have posted a lot of them and will almost certainly post a lot more.  Now let's go find some girls who know how to swing a mean broadsword. 

 Devil Cross - This Mortal Coil (USA/Canada 2021)

 There's more metal in her helmet than the rest of her armour combined.

I do like this cover though. 

She looks determined to do the shambling undead horror some proper damage. 

Devil Cross are old-school Heavy Metal.

Mirrorshield - Tales Of Eremoss 1: The Dragon Huntress (Australia 2021)

Elven barbarian with a rock on a stick vs a gigantic armoured reptile. 

Doesn't seem like a fair fight to me but maybe it's magic rock.

Mirrorhield describe themselves as Folk/Power Metal

Septris - Legacy (Switzerland 2019)

I think this means our heroine won but since she's surrounded by fire and spearpoints, she isn't out of danger yet. 

Hey, a women warrior actually wearing armour for a change. Rare. 

Septris are also Power Metal - a genre which does love fantasy covers. 

Sabïre -Gates Ajar  EP  (Australia 2019)

 Whereas this young lady doesn't need armour because she has a Panther. 

And a Leopard. 

And a Cheetah. 

 Why she even bothers to carry a sword is beyond me. 

I've noticed that this is the same artist as the Devil Cross cover up top and thus far I am very impressed by his work.

On a quick listen Sabire are fast but melodic 80s style metal. 

See what you think

Reternity - Facing The Demon  (Germany 2019)

 And quite clearly planning to stab the demon in the fucking face once it gets a bit closer. 

Clever girl. 

Reternity apparently go in for big choruses

Note that all these covers are from the last few years. 

This is a trope that's not going away any time soon. 

Let's finish the same way we started: woman with a bit hat and a big sword. 

Frozen Crown - Crowned in Frost (Italy 2019)

Warriors have an irresistible compunction to stand on top of rocks and pose. 

Sometimes it gets them into trouble. 

Sometimes it just makes them wish they'd worn some nice thick trousers. 

Frozen Crown are another Power Metal band.

That's All Folks. 

Anime review: Blade And Soul (2014)

 

 Alka is an assassin and the last suvivor of the Clan Of The Sword. After her village was wiped out by the Palme Empire, she sought revenge on the dark-magic users responsible. 

 Along the way she runs into a hard-drinking bounty-hunter, a strong-willed grave-robber and an enigmatic innkeeper, all of whom have their own plans.

 I picked this one up because it looked sort of interesting. (And if you haven't read this blog before, anything involving gorgeous women with swords is going to get my attention. I apologise for nothing)

 What I was expecting was fanservice-heavy fluff but Blade And Soul turned out to be a bit of a surprise. 

 While I was right about the fanservice - lots of seriously stacked female characters here - and there is a bit of fluff, the anime is more serious than I was expecting.

  From the bloody opening scene  there's plenty of  death and this includes characters I was expecting to be important. More importantly, some of those deaths turn out to have repercussions. Remember that our heroine Alka is an assassin and as the series progresses, previous jobs come back to hurt her. 

 As a general thing, things did not go the way I was expecting at all. A series with this much jiggling should not have got me so invested.  

  Blade and Soul does have some flaws.  Alka is essentially a blank-faced robot for much of the series and it's made even more noticeable compared to some of the dynamic characters around her.  Once the cracks start to show, she gets a lot more interesting.  

  Problem #2 is that with such a short episode count, a number of interesting ideas are either skipped past or don't pay off.  Example:  Villainess Jin Varrel clearly has an interesting backstory but we never get to see it beyond enigmatic glimpses.  Blade And Soul is based on an MMPORG so maybe some things are explained there. Doesn't help me much, though. 

 And did we really need that beach/hotsprings episode right at the end? It's entertaining and closer to the light-hearted anime I was expected but after the serious tone of the previous episodes it is a bit jarring.  I can't help feeling that the time and effort could have been put to better use.

 On the plus side, the art and animation are more than respectable, with some effort being put into the fights. Even more effort was put into the ending animation, where a certain character show off her dancing skills. I was genuinely impressed.

 Moving on to a pet peeve for a moment, I am always happy to see anime where female characters are obviously grown women, rather than drawn as 12 years olds who just happen to have tits. 

To sum up: Blade And Soul isn't ground-breaking but it turned out to be a pleasant surprise and I enjoyed watching it for all the right reasons. 

Here's the dance routine I was talking about. Enjoy. . 

That's all folks. 

 

Cheapo DVD Review: Ancestral World (2020)

 Genre: We Can't Afford Horses Fantasy

  Years ago a heroic king and a talented mage managed to slay an evil warlord bent on conquering all the realms.

  Now the warlord's remaining followers have kidnapped the king's eldest son. To rescue him, the younger brother must find and retrieve the legendary Ancestral Armour.  Along the way he meets and teams up with a beautiful amazon warrior. 

Before I go on to the movie itself, let's talk about a couple of things first.

1. Ancestral World is a weird thing to call a film.  Normally when you see something like this it's because somebody is trying to cash in on a bigger, better film so a new title gets bolted on. Or the film is foreign and they hired the cheapest  translator to be found. 

 To my surprise "Ancestral World" is what this film was originally called. They couldn't come up with anything more compelling, I guess.  

2. The DVD cover.  As is traditional with this kind of movie, the cover is misleading.  Since neither of the people on it are in the film I wonder if the artist even watched it. Or saw any pictures.  or even knew this cover was going on this filmcase. 

 I have a theory that there's a warehouse somewhere where starving artists crank out fantasy DVD pics that get chuckled into a box and pulled out by any production company that needs artwork.

Here's the alternative cover which does at least have the actual stars on it. 

 It's not a bad likeness but they still included a dragon that isn't in the film.  Ok, one flies overhead at one point which really doesn't count. 

Right now onto the film. 

My immediate thought was that "Ancestral world"  is a bunch of "World of Warcraft" cosplayers making their own movie.  The budget isn't the lowest I've ever seen but they still can't afford horses or more than a handful of cast members. However there is enough for some downright wacky costumes.

Let me show you a couple of examples. 

By comparison our heroes are relatively restrained. 

Hero Prince Mairok.  Got enough knives there, mate? 

 

 Heroine Lantris  showing us why people laugh at Female fantasy Armour. 

It's basically a Belly-Dancer outfit with giant-ass shoulder-pads. 

And why is that anyway? 

Why is that women warriors devote 50% of their armour protection to the shoulders

while totally ignoring everything between the boobs and the belt. 

I am so offended I'm going to post a few more pics.

And again with the shoulderpads.  How does she not rip her jugular open everytime she raises her arms? 

 I have nothing clever to say here so enjoy the blatant fanservice. 

I must admit, it is nice to see a fantasy film trying to look fantastic. 

 The story itself is pure RPG.  Our heroes go here, fight somebody for a plot coupon then move on to fight somebody else. Repeat until they have all the bits and the final showdown happens. 

  For some reason the screenwriter thought that we needed to have the king and his pet witch  give a running commentary for people not paying attention. It doesn't work. Neither does reusing the same bit of "epic " music over and over again. 

  There is an attempt to give Lantris an interesting backstory and to develop the relationship between her and Mairok, all of which seems a bit rushed. 

   And that might be the problem. Ancestral World aims big but has neither the time nor budget to pull it off.  If this was an anime series, there'd be a dozen episodes or so to flesh everything out plus add some extra elements  -like.horses. And more people to fight. And the  dragon advertised on the cover!

How much did I pay for this? £3

Was it worth it?  Personally I thought "Ancestral World" was sort-of OK. It's the sort of generic, low-budget fantasy you watch once then offload to CEX next time you pass by. Seen worse. Seen better. 

 If you really have a thing for women in impractical shoulderpads then you might dig this. Otherwise, as long as you don't expect too much you might find it keeps you diverted for a bit. 

That's all folks. 

Heavy Metal Cover Girls - Angels With Black Wings

 Hello and welcome to another entry in Heavy Metal Cover Girls; a series where I post a bunch of album covers with attractive women front and centre and try to come up with something intelligent about each one. Or just get snarky. Whatever.  

 Angels are a popular theme for Rock/Metal album covers as evidenced by the number of times I've posted them. Sometimes they are used as a symbol of purity and sometimes in their Old Testament role as God's legbreakers.  Interestingly male angels are more often the latter, as far as I can tell. I'm sure theres a discussion worth having but that's a job for somebody else. 

 Don't even get me started on that  "Biblically Accurate Angels" meme that popped up recently. Just going to NOPE right past that and pretend I didn't see anything. 

 What we will be talking about today is a particular subset of Angels: the ones with Black Wings who are very definitely not the warm, protective sort. As we shall see, these are Angels who are happy to walk on the dark side. 

Anthology - The Prophecy (Slovakia 2014)

 I wonder what the Prophecy actually is? 

Anthology - Angel's Revenge (Slovakia 2016)

I see now. The Prophecy was " An angel is going to lose her skirt, get mad and slaughter a whole bunch of dudes."

  Adrian Barilari - InfieRock (Argentina 2019)

 I think this is an Ex-Angel because I am pretty sure those are horns. 

Kinda cute though.  In a scary way. 

 

Black & Damned - Heavenly Creatures (Germany 2021)

 Angels have never understood the concept of "Excessive Force" which is why getting them to chase up parking tickets never goes well. 

Let's give the band a plug, shall we?

Another new album 

Boudreaux - Fallen Angel (USA 2021)

One of the less-threatening fallen angels I've ever posted. 

Not interested in setting cities aflame or harvesting souls - just wants to rock and roll all night and party every day. 

Only fair to give these guys a plug too. 

Chastain - The Reign of Kate (2019)

 Tries reading the awkward font.

Decides it can't possibly say "The Reign of KATE"

Turns out that is exactly what it says.

Meanwhile the cover is about an angel who has been summoned to do a bit of dancing. 

OK then. 

Find me - Dark Angel (Sweden 2015)

 Looking a bit serious here. Contemplating whether to get all fire & brimstone on a city, no doubt.

Helestios - Your Pain Tastes Good (UK 2020)

 Another awkward font. Cheers guys. 

I can't help noticing that she is getting groped by something with tentacles and apparently enjoying it.  Consider my eyebrow raised. 

Always happy to see new British metal so here's a quick plug.

Letzte Instanz - Schuldig (Germany 2008)

 This looks like the sort of comic I'd pick up because of the cover. Probably something about a fallen angel turned bounty hunter while fronting a Gothic band. 

Salem -Attrition (UK 2018)

 Judgement day, bitches. Get in line for your decapitations. 

No kidding, I love this cover. 

I just looked the band up and they are (some) of the same band that formed after the legendary Ethel The Frog split in 1980. 

Holy crap. I didn't know they'd reformed.

I have to post these guys!

  

Scarblade - The Cosmic Wrath (Sweden 2016)

 Another angelic badass.

 How badass is she? 

Her fucking hair is ON FIRE. 

Sündflut - Teufel, Engel & Dämonen (Germany 2017)

 How did I get here and where the bloody hell are all my clothes? 

That's All folks. 

Judge Anderson Pinup

 Since I had my scanner out I thought I'd catch up with some stuff I've been meaning to digitise for a while. While i was doing that I happened to look up and saw the poster jsut above my computer desk. "You know what" I mused "I've been threatening to scan this for a while."

It took a bit of doing because the pster was just slightly larger than the scanner knew what to do with and I had a bitch of a job getting the various bits aligned; even then there's some definite glitches if you look closely enough.

 

Never mind. Here's the infamous  Judge Anderson topless pinup from one of the Summer Specials. 

 No, I don't know where her nipples went. 

  That's All Folks

 

Heavy Metal Cover Girls...Up A Dark Alley

 In this series I post a load of metal/rock album covers that share a loose theme. One of the things I keep saying is that if an idea has been done once it will be done twice. Now that may be down to the artist going "Hey. I like this cover so how about I do my own version of it." but more often it's because the band & design team want to create a particular mood and there are certain tropes which work really well. There's a reason I've posted so many album covers about angels and warrior women, after all. 

  Sometimes, though, it is a case of two artists arriving at the same point entirely by coincidence.  You'll see what I mean in a minute. 

So the theme I'm going with tonight is "Cover Girl + Dark Alley" and right away I know what you're thinking.

Don't worry, I don't post that sort of cover.  Now let's take a trip into the back streets and see who we might find. 

One thing I do enjoy is bands that try and have some shared elemts across their album covers. Maiden have Eddie, Megadeth had Vic Rattlehead and US melodic rockers Bugzy have... actually we never do get her name.  probably not Bugzy though. That would be weird. 

 I love the fact that these three covers tell a little story.

 Bugzy - Plan B (USA 2017)

 Oh noes. no tickets left. Our devoted fanisn't going to let that stop her

 Bugzy - Centre of Attraction (USA - 2018)

 

 

Sadly the attempt to sneak in by the backdoor is busted.
Damn, that place has serious security.

Bugzy - She's the One (USA 2018)

 The band take pity on our gorgeous redhead, probably because she's a gorgeous redhead, and not only

 let her in but get Red to model for their next album cover. I love a happy ending. 

 

Nocny Kochanek - Hewi Metal (Poland 2015)

 We seem to have stryed into a couple having a cute moment. Not sure why they're having it in a filthy alley but whatever.

 Let's leave them alone and move on. 

 

Slam Alley - 21 Fire (USA 2009)

 Why are you wearing a bikini/ This isn't even a beach. The beach is miles away. Also, it's midnight.  Put some clothes on before you freeze to death. 

 

Rumble Syndicate - Face Down Bottoms Up

 Huh. Forensic scientists didn't look like this in my day. Shouldn't she be wearing gloves or something? 

Murder District -Дерись! EP (Russia 2016)

 Here's a tip for would-be muggers, gangsters and other degenerates...

if the girl you ambush starts smiling like this then back away slowly and possibly consider taking up a new line of work.  

 Go see if the Post Office is hiring. 

Or get you teeth kicked out. see if I care. 

(Actually, is it just me or does she look a bit like a young Cynthia Rothrock? )

 

Remember I was talking about "if an idea has been done once it will be done twice."

Here's a perfect illustration of that.  

We have a very specific set of elements and yet two completely different artists have hit on the same formula independently.  I think that's fascinating.

I'm going to take a guess at the reasoning and I think it goes like this:

"We're a thrash band so we need something violent on the cover and we also want a hot babe

But since violence against women is totally uncool, let's have her be the one killing people!"

Legal Tender - Lust In Demons EP (USA 2013)

 

 

Project Pain - Thrashed To Kill (NLD 2015)

So we have two different underdressed axe-murderers roaming the streets. 

Now I'm scared.

Can we go home please? 

Hope you enjoyed this post and why not go check out the bands?

 

THAT'S ALL FOLKS.