Saturday, 7 September 2019

Heavy Metal Cover Girls: Metal Amazons

 I've been a bit fed up lately but I think I know what will cheer me up and hope fully make your world a little bit shinier.  Attractive women in impractical armour wielding swords. Possibly while riding animals that no sane person would even go near.

Yep. It's time to dust off the Heavy Metal Cover Girls tag. It's been a while, hasn't it?   

Once again I'm going with the theme "Warrior Women" because as it turns out, lots of people like the idea of sexy female warriors and lots of them are in metal bands. Luis Royo alone must have made a few bob out of CD cases. 

Smoulder - Times Of Obscene Evil And Wild Daring (USA 2019)

This is one of those covers that makes you wonder at the story being told.
A beautiful but fierce woman brandishing a sword that apparently cuts reality menaces a tied up man .
Why is she so mad at him?
And why is the horse terrified of a wall?

Mjolnir - Whispering Sorcery (NL 2000)

I though Valkyries were generally more solidly built and wore winged hats.
I bet she can't even sing soprano.

Having said that, if this young lady turned up to collect your soul would anybody object?

"I'm ready to be taken to Valhalla now."
"But you're..y'know..not actually dead. Also you're a baker."
"Gimme five minutes. Just off to punch that berserker in the dick."

Beast In Black - From Hell With Love (Finland 2019)

Your definition of Love is a lot different from mine. 

Claymorean - Unbroken (Serbia 2015)

The Dark Lord's favourite general celebrates another victory.
The Dark Lord's general is now looking forward to a nice hot bath to wash away the stink of blood and winged hellbeast.
They look metal as fuck  but their fur brings her out in a rash.

Europica - Part One Hungary (2017)

 I've decided that the blonde in the white dress is some sort of Goddess, which is why she's riding a white, Aurochs.
Is it just me or does that Aurochs look very pleased with himself?
He clearly thinks he's the star of this picture and ya know what - I think he's right.    

Booxe Control - The Lizard Rider (Germany 2016)

Oh come on. using a frigging Assault rifle is just cheating.

Let me know if there's any themes you want to see and I'll see what i can do.

That's all folks. 

Monday, 2 September 2019

DVD Review: Silver (1999)

  A family is brutally murdered by a secretive yet powerful criminal society.  Years later the surviving daughter is recruited by Japan's Secret Service.
  Jun Shirogane is sent undercover as a Woman wrestler; her mission - to deal with criminals who cannot be touched by regular means and in the process avenge her slaughtered family.

  I saw this one on an IMDB list and "Silver" seemed to tick a lot of my boxes.  I like wrestling. I like women's wrestling. I like weird Japanese films  and the Takashi Miike films I've seen thus far were pretty cool.

  The thing is, I watched "Hara-Kiri" and "13 Assassins"  which are Takashi Miike paying tribute to the classic samurai movies.  Miike is also famous for certain other films which , I gather, are notorious for pushing the boundaries of taste.

  What I was expecting was something daft but fun, where a spandex-clad cutie beats up improbable bad guys. (Basically a live-action Cutey Honey minus the shape-changing.)  There really isn't much of that in this film.

  What I got was a film where a dominatrix pisses into a glass - while doing a backward crab pose no less - then forces a cowering banker to drink it.  

  Just so we're clear on this, I'm not remotely entertained by that kind of thing.

 I could also have done without the overlong sex-scene, or the whipping scene or the bit where a crucified man gets his horse-sized dick smacked with a studded paddle.

 By contrast, if you're expecting much wrestling in a movie about a female wrestler, you're wasting your time.
  The showdown between our heroine and the evil dominatrix comes in two acts, neither of them much to write home about.
  And when a promising new villain is introduced there's some talking, a tiny bit of scrapping, more talking and then the film suddenly cuts off. Since there was never a sequel I guess we'll never know what the bloody hell that was all about.

 I have a theory that Miike was paying tribute to some of the tough-gal anime/movies of yesteryear . Cutey Honey is one reference point. The yo-yo-wielding heroine of Sukeban Deka is another, what with Jun's favourite weapon being rapid-fire coin-flicking.  I don't remember anybody drinking piss in either of those but maybe that was cut out of the UK releases, I dunno.

My alternative theory is that the director was just trolling everybody.

"Silver" is not a fun film to watch. Even without the unpleasant elements, there's very little here to get excited about because too much of the film is dull, half-hearted and barely coherent.

To sum up: I did not enjoy "Silver"  and having to watch somebody drinking piss is only one of the reasons why.

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