Tuesday, 5 October 2021

Beast in Black - One Night In Tokyo

  One of the many things I love about Heavy Metal is its uncanny ability to assimilate bits and pieces from other media. Punk, Opera,  Hip-Hop, Folk Music - all woke up one morning to find out that somebody had nicked a bunch of their stuff without noticing. 

More recently I've seen several metal bands using dance-music style keyboards in their sound.  

And I like this idea. I do believe that metal and dance music have more in common than people think..

Now on to the track that inspired this post.  Multinational outfit Beast In Black released their new video on September 30 and both the song and the video - especially the video - suggest the band do seem to have been drinking deeply out of the cup labelled "Synthwave" . Between the Eurodance keys and the vintage-games aesthetics of the vid, you get something that's a refreshing change from a bunch of  angry blokes in a warehouse.

  I definitely want to see where this band is going. See what you think.

Saturday, 25 September 2021

How To Survive A Monster Movie (part one)

 Hello and welcome to a brief, yet hopefully, informative guide on something that's become a major issue in recent years.

 So picture the scene: You have somehow managed to stray into a Monster Movie (or a Kaiju flick, or a Creature Feature or even a Shark film.)  Since being eaten sucks, you want to stay alive and preferably retain all the body parts you currently have.

Well, I can help you there. Here's some useful tips. 

 The best way to survive a Creature rampage is: Don't be there when it happens. 

Ideally you want to avoid doing anything to set the oversized, toothy bastard off in the first place.

So here's some Do's and Don'ts   

  Don't go anywhere the natives are scared of. If it has "Dragon", "Monster", "Forbidden" "Death" or "Giant Snakes" in the name then go shoot your student film somewhere else. 

  Don't fuck with any giant eggs you find.  Mommy will be mad. You don't want to meet Mommy when she's mad. 

  Don't break into any research facilities, even if they are supposed to be abandoned.  Whatever Youtube traffic you may get is not worth getting bitten in half by a genetically mutated Alligator.

...and on that note:  

  Don't try to create a "perfect weapon" by fucking around with something that's already a terrifying predator. Sharks are bad enough. The world does not need sharks with human intelligence. 

No, you won't be able to control it.

Don't try to bring back the dinosaurs.  Think of all the reasons why Sharks are bad news then times that by 5 and remember that sharks (usually) are restricted to the seas. Dinosaurs aren't. 

No, you won't be able to control them. 

I mean it.

You WILL NOT be able to control them.

If you find out that one of your research team is trying to cross sharks with polar bears, or is growing an Allosaurus in a jar then DO take them out the back and put an entire magazine  into their heads.

 Then burn the lab and everything in it. Including their lab assistants.  Then seal it in concrete. 

Humanity may never thank you but trust me, you're doing good work.  

Don't hand your nuclear, chemical or biological waste to a firm called "Bubba's Waste Disposal And Pool cleaning." even if they are the cheapest option.  

You might not be able to prevent monster attacks entirely but at least you won't feel guilty about.  

More tips in our next article. 

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