Film Review: Three Headed Monster (1988)

Genre: Chinese Fantasy

Picture courtesy of Rarelust.com

  A group of mutant monks are hunting the elusive Thousand Year Ginseng King - basically a giant, walking, talking Ginseng root  - and in the process accidentally create a Nazi Zombie.  When the zombie bites a young boy's mother, he must travel far, far away to the land of the Three Headed Demon King and rescue the Ginseng King because otherwise his mother is going to become either dead or a zombie and neither of these are good. 

 When I woke up this morning I wasn't expecting to have any use for the phrase "Nazi Zombie" and truth be told  I didn't know a Magic Ginseng Man might even be a thing.  Yet here we are: both of them in the same film. 

 Three Headed Giant is creatively bonkers in a good way.   This was made long before the concept of deliberately bad movies took ironic hold so the writers genuinely thought that a Nazi Zombie was the perfect addition to an otherwise traditional Chinese fantasy movie. 

 I suspect this was a family movie - sort of a Neverending Story for good Confucian children. The juvenile protagonist, the frequent references to filial worthiness and the decidedly low-budget SFX all point in that direction.  The production team used a lot of paper-mache and foam rubber to create the sets and the monsters and then glued whatever was left over to the bad guys faces. Sophisticated it isn't.

Bu then you have the scene where a Nazi Zombie goes on the rampage and you also have the lovely Cynthia Khan showing off her kung-fu and her pins in a leopardskin minidress so I wonder if the kiddies were asking awkward questions after that. 

If you like your old-school low-budget Asian fantasy, or you just want to see if the 3-headed monster looks as cool as he does on the poster (spoiler: no he doesn't) then you might want to give this a go.

Personally I thought it was very daft but also very entertaining.  Not what I was expecting to do today but life is better when you have a few surprises. 

Screenshot time.

 This makes sense in context. Honest.

So does this. 

 Cynthia Khan is a proper martial arts star so I think she did this film as a favour. 

"Have yer spear back, you putty-faced wankers."

 Ooohh! Right in the ding-ding. 

No wonder the other guy is wincing too. 

That's all folks. 

DVD Review: War Of The Arrows (2011)

Genre: Korean Period Drama

  Nam-Yi, orphaned son of a traitor is a dispirited slacker who's only talent is his skill with a bow. When his sister Ja-In gets married to a local aristocrat, Nam-Yi is ready to leave his old life behind and take off...

 But then a Manchu army overwhelms their city and Ja-In is hauled off into slavery. Can one man with a bow fight past an entire army to rescue his sister? 

 I picked this one up on a whim. I'm no great connoisseur of Korean cinema but I've liked most of the films I've seen, especially the historical stuff.

 Turns out that War Of The Arrows is a bit of  a gem. 

  After the initial bloodshed that costs our siblings their home and family, things slow down a bit to establish who these people are.  For a while it looks like we might end up watching a period drama about a young man rebelling against his adopted family, but then the Manchu army shows up and things get interesting. 

 The way the tension builds up for the assault is fantastic. The increasingly alarmed  Koreans realising that something is wrong: the oncoming Manchu  closing in for the kill; Nam-Yi desperately trying to get back. All slotted together for maximum impact.

 We also get out first chance to see the unit of Manchu warriors that will be the primary threat for Nam-Yi  and holy crap, they are badass. 

 Grim-faced commander Jyuushinta is particularly fearsome and manages to radiate cold, brutal efficiency with the simplest gaze. 

  Eventually Nam-Yi and allies manage to catch up with the Manchu and rescue Ji-An and this is when War Of The Arrows went from being something I was enjoying to a film I was totally caught up in. 

 The chase sequence that follows,with our hero scrambling to stay ahead of the implacable Jyuushinta and his men. is every bit as good as Apocalypto  It's tense, fast-paced, inventive and had me on the edge of my seat.

  The climax itself is equally tense but in a different way. I won't spoil it, except to say that I don't think I've ever seen a film with archery put to such dramatic use.

  There's one particular  scene that smacks of Deus Ex Machina and is also hampered by some average FX but otherwise War Of The Arrows is a well-crafted piece of cinema that I enjoyed immensely.  

If you prefer your Asian period movies minus improbable wire-assisted leaping about then this film might work for you. 

 And if you have a curiosity about Korean archery, well, pick it up and take some notes.

 Trailer here:

Cheapo DVD Review: Armageddon (1997)

Not The Bruce Willis Film!

 AKA

Deathline
Redline
The Syndicate

  John Anderson Wade ((Rutger Hauer) is a small-time smuggler ready to retire. On his very last run, wade is betrayed by partner Merrick (Mark Dacascos) and shot in the head. 

 Resurrected by some sciency stuff that's never fully explained, Wade teams up with ass-kicking call-girl Marina K. (Yvonne Scio) to seek revenge on Merrick and his Underworld cabal. 

  For the most part Armageddon is a standard Revenge B-Movie that just happens to have some Sci-Fi elements glued onto it.   As near as I can tell, this was mainly so the director could use some familiar elements while trying to keep them fresh.  There's some stuff about Virtual Reality that's only there to allow for some dream sequences that aren't dream sequences.  Meanwhile Future Science also explains why Wade gets shot in the head at point blank range but still manages to stick around for the rest of the movie.

  A better film could have made better use of the SF toys, as well as the subplot about political corruption, but Armageddon fails to use these elements to any great advantage. 

 On the subject of things not used to their full potential....

  I have long held the belief that both Mark Dacascos and Rutger Hauer deserved better careers than they seem to have had.  If you've seen Crying Freeman or Brotherhood Of the Wolf then you'll know that Mark Dacascos is a fantastic martial artist; so I was hoping for more than the brief display of prowess we got.  He's a decent enough villain though, dubious accent notwithstanding. 

   Rutger Hauer seems to have a knack for being a good actor in a long series of indifferent movies. As always he gets the job done and done well, but dammit, dude, you deserved more than this. 

  I did like Yvonne Scio's turn as a working girl with a great selection of wigs and a talent for violence.  Her and Hauer play well off each other. The scene where wade is fighting a naked woman (don't ask) while Marina takes him to task is quite memorable.

 In all other regards Armageddon  is Ok but nothing special. The story crawls sometimes but not fatally, the action is decent as is most of the cast.  The sort of movie you buy at a car boot because you wonder "What happened to that guy", watch once and then file at the bottom of the DVD pile, never to emerge again. Watchable but not rewatchable. 

 The one thing that did impress me was the location. Apparently Armageddon was filmed in Budapest doubling for Moscow and I have to say, if I ever have the money I want to go there. Damn, but that place has some great looking buildings. 

 So there you have it. After watching this film, the thing I remember is the architecture. Says it all really.  

How much did I pay for this: 25p.

Was it worth it?  I'm going to say yes. Armageddon is not essential viewing but fills the time well enough. 

Cheapo DVD Review: City Dragon (1995)

  Life In the city can be murder and in the mean streets there is only one man who can protect the unprotected from the world of criminals. Ray "The City Dragon" is that one man. He is the one man who can bring all challenges to their knees.
  
 Ray and his friends Philthy Phil and Rick roam the streets in search of justice.  When the trio decide to visit the local club scene, they get far more than they bargained for...

  Going by the picture, the back cover blurb and the fact that the star is calling himself MC Kung Fu.  it seems a reasonable assumption that City Dragon would be a kickass, urban Kung-Fu flick about revenge and stuff. Right?

 Err...no. 

  What actually happens: Ray and his homies are a trio of  wannabe playas sleazing their way through the city's local female population until one day Ray meets that one special girl who he doesn't want to pump 'n' dump.  Her abusive ex-boyfriend is somewhat displeased about this and gets violent. 

  Fast forward a few months. Ray and the lovely Tina are now married but things are not going well. Tina is pregnant and feeling neglected, Ray is struggling at work  for all sorts of reasons, and the psycho ex is about to escape from the State Asylum.  

  Kung-Fu does happen occasionally but most of the time seems to have been crammed in just because a film starring MC KUNG FU needs to have some spin-kicks in there somewhere. 

   Climax aside, fights happen because somebody randomly decides to mess with Ray for the hell of it.

 Christ knows the punchups are nothing special. MC Kung Fu spins a mean set of Nunchucks but the fight choreographer phoned it in. 

  The major problem I had  - besides the film not being what the cover promised yet again - is that within minutes of Ray being introduced I disliked him intensely. He's a cocky wanker who bounces from one conquest to the next and clearly thinks he's captain Cool Bollocks. 

 Oh, and he delivers 80% of his dialogue in rhyme.  Ugh.

  It's really quite cringeworthy and although he does get a bit better, the initial damage is done. 

  His mates are worse. 

  The end result is a film that can't work out whether it wants to be about a trio of hip-hop hustlers, a drama about relationships or a martial arts movie and ends up being a dogs breakfast. 

  You get the impression that somebody wanted to make a movie about their great alter-ego that the ladies love and the guys don't mess with.  That rarely works. 

How much did I pay for this: 50p 

Was It Worth it: Did you even read the rest of the review?  City Dragon is a dull mess with an obnoxious hero and a terrible soundtrack. Avoid. 

That's all folks. 

Cheapo DVD Review: Tekken - Kazuya's Revenge (2014)

You may possibly remember that at the start of the month I declared a grandiose plan to review every single one of the DVDs I'd just bought. Well after a bit of a detour, it's time to return to that project.
For DVD #11 we're reviewing a Prequel nobody asked for.

 A young man wakes up in a strange room with no memory. Luckily there isn't a tiger in the next room or a traffic cone on top of the wardrobe but he does get armed goons kicking in his door. After a bit of a fracas, our amnesiac hero's day continues to get worse when he's captured by a mysterious old bloke called The Minister.   His life choices now boil down to "Kill people" or "Get your head blown off"
 Since the Man With No Past is really good at martial arts and stuff, option 1 is easy enough.
Problem is, he doesn't actually want to kill people...

  Can I just point out that the Amnesia angle would work better if the DVD title didn't give away Mr X's frigging name. 
 The viewer now knows who he is and if the viewer has played the games, which is quite likely, then they also know who the mysterious old bloke is that keeps popping up in flashbacks.

  Let me just take a minute to clap sarcastically. 

Oh well done, marketing people. Give yourself a cookie. 

The original title was Tekken: A Man Called X.  Maybe you should have stuck with it.  

  Maybe you should also have had a bit more fighting. This movie is based on a fighting game after all. 

  There's entirely too much footage of Kazuya wandering about the city looking fed up, as well as too many overlong flashbacks and this just slows things down way too much. 

I have a few other issues as well. A certain character is introduced and given a backstory then gets forgotten about. A subplot takes up time but goes nowhere. What was the point of that?

 Getting back to the fights, they are disappointing. The choreography is old-school martial arts, without  wirework, SFX or much flashy editing and that can work if it's done well. Some of my favourite cinematic punchups are like this, in fact.  It's just that for some reason,  I wasn't impressed. Tekken 2 needed some quality violence to make up for the lack of quantity and in that, it fails.

  Then we get to the climax which actually annoyed me. 

Kazuya and his new ally bust into the bad guys HQ and we all know how that's supposed to work. 

First you take out the mooks, then you take out one or more henchmen - a great chance to have two different fights go on simultaneously - then you face the Big Bad in a final showdown, kick his face in and walk proudly away clutching manly injuries, while Bad Guy HQ may or may not burst into flames for no apparent reason. 

  A vital part of this is that the henchmen should have been established earlier on as a genuine threat. Would the end of Return of the Jedi have been so good if Darth Vader had thrown a sickie and Luke had faced some random geezer instead?  Search your feelings. You know the answer. 

Tekken 2 drops the ball on this big time. Two characters we know are badass are brushed aside in seconds  while Kazuya ends up fighting a couple of blokes we've never seen before, that have no history whatsoever.  

 That's just sloppy and it bugs me.   

To cap it all, the Big Bad just casually wanders off. It makes more sense once you discover that Tekken 2 is actually a prequel  but personally I don't think you should have to visit Wikipedia to find out what the ending is all about.  

To sum up: Tekken 2 is too slow, not particularly interesting and has a rubbish payoff.  

How much did I pay for this: £3.50

Was it worth it: Not really. If you're not a fan of the games then there's no real reason to watch it. If you are a fan of the games then Tekken 2 might just annoy you.

Maybe they should have done a prequel about  the Williams sisters instead. 

Cheapo DVD Review: Fist Of The Warrior (2009)

On payday I bought 12 secondhand DVDs for the princely sum of £13. In a moment of sugar-fueled madness, I decided that I was going to write a review on every single one.
For day 5, we have a film marketed as something it isn't.
I really, really love those.

  Lee wants to quit his job and start anew somewhere else with his lovely girlfriend Sarah . Lee's boss John, being a local mobster and not used to negative feedback,  is not happy about this and hires goons to kill his reluctant employee.

  The goons fail to kill Lee but do manage to kill Sarah, which pisses Lee off something chronic and he begins working his way through John's employee roster in violent fashion. 

 Can police wonderboy Craig get to Lee before Lee gets to John? 

 You know, if I was ever a mob boss I'd have written in large letters behind my desk "Treat your workforce well."  This would definitely apply to any martial-arts killing machines I had on the payroll. "Oh, you don't want to do this anymore? Fine. Here's a bus ticket to anywhere you like. Here's a bonus to keep your mouth shut. Go be happy"

I definitely wouldn't try to kill them, their families or their pet budgies. That always ends badly.

The thing is, though, "Fist Of the Warrior" isn't the martial arts rampage you'd expect from the cover and the back cover blurb. That would involve more fights and probably a lot more of supposed hero Lee. 

 A bit of research revealed that this film was originally known as "Lesser Of Three Evils" which is a bit silly - but does explain a lot. This film isn't really about Lee. 

"Fist Of the Warrior" splits the focus between Lee hitting people and having flashbacks about Sarah, Craig juggling police work, his *ahem* other line of work and his wreck of a home life, and John dealing with the fallout of one of his dumber ideas.

  Given that the film centres on Craig more than the other two, I have to wonder if he was originally supposed to be the protagonist, before the movie was rebranded and re-editted. 

  I'm always a bit pissed off when a film is sold to me as one thing and I get another, so that did ruin my enjoyment somewhat. Instead of the martial-arts action I was expecting, I got a so-so crime drama where every now and again somebody has a fight.  

  Other gripes: Lee's flashbacks are cute to start off with but after a while just trip things up.  I genuinely wonder what Marina Sirtis and Michael Dorn were doing in this film, besides picking up some pocket money for the 1 scene each is in. And the supposed climax is ...

No getting around it, the final showdown between Lee and John is utterly pathetic. It's not even a fight. 

Oh, and the fight scenes are nothing special. 

How much did I pay for this: £1.50

Was it worth it: I was rather disappointed. The cast isn't bad and the director was trying to make us care about Lee and Sarah. Unforunately, the end result is nothing special. Sorry. 

Cheapo DVD Review: Haywire (2011)

  On paydays I like to treat myself to certain things. One of them is a takeaway for my tea. The other is a fistful of DVDs from CEX.
 Personally I'd rather get 10 DVDs for a tenner than 1 DVD for a tenner.  It means I get 10 nights of entertainment rather than one, although whether I get an evening of good entertainment is another question entirely.

 This month I picked up 12 DVDs for £13 and I've decided that I will review each and every single one.

Hello Mr Rod. Meet Mr Own Back. You two will be seeing a lot of each other.

First up is...

 A backroads diner suddenly erupts into violence as the couple in the corner start trying to kill each other. One leaves the other in a groaning heap and makes her getaway by commandeering a car - and the driver too.
  As they drive away she starts telling her bewildered travelling companion a story. Her name is Mallory Kane, she's a Private Contractor that does certain things for the US Government and it all started with a job in Barcelona...

 If you look at the DVD cover you will recognise some quite big names. With the exception of Ewan Mcgregor and whatever accent he was trying to do, most aren't in for for that long. Meanwhile actual star Gina Carano appears to have been added to the cover as an afterthought.

  I will start by saying that Gina Carano does make a convincing action heroine and she's not bad in the bits requiring actual acting either. Maybe a bit "one-note" which makes it hard to warm up to her, but most action stars seem to suffer from that to some degree.

 I struggled to "warm up to" this film in general. Part of that is the structure - for the first chunk, the tale bounces between past and present as Mallory explains it all. For me, that made it a bit hard to keep track of events and I definitely struggled to follow why our heroine was doing certain things at certain times.
  Maybe the director was expecting his viewers to be smart enough to keep up, in which case he definitely gave me more credit than I deserve.

When it comes right down to it "Haywire" turned into the sort of movie where I wasn't exactly bored but wasn't exactly feeling it either.  There's nothing I can point my finger at and say "I didn't like that." but nothing where I can say " I liked this."

 The acting is the quality you'd expect from that cast , the fights and chases aren't bad, the story is making a decent stab at it. In the end the result result can only be described as "OK but..."

 How much did I pay for this: £1
Was it worth it? Maybe. It kept me occupied for long enough to eat my pizza but I can't exactly deliver a glowing recommendation. It's an OK thriller but there's plenty of films about that are  "OK"

 If you want to see Gina Carano in a thriller, get In The Blood instead. It doesn't have the name power but I enjoyed that film a lot more.

Cheapo DVD Review: Bunraku

Starring

Josh Hartnett as a wandering gambler in a nice hat

Ron Perlman as an axewielding  crimelord in a horrible hat

Kevin McKidd as a well-dressed psycho 

Gackt as a wandering samurai. No hat.  

Woody Harrelson as a wise bartender

Demi Moore as Ron Perlman's mistress and really fed up with it.

Mike Patton from Faith No More as The Narrator

" In a world without guns, a mysterious drifter (JOSH HARTNETT) arrives in a strange town terrorised by the ruthless Woodcutter (RON PERLMAN) and his army of thugs, headed by the vicious Killer #2 (KEVIN McKIDD). The drifter is forced to trust a young samurai (Japanese superstar GACKT) looking to restore his family's honour, and the local bartender (WOODY HARRELSON) with his own secret score to settle, as they team up to destroy the Woodcutter's tyrannical and corrupt regime. Using cutting-edge visuals and breathtaking fight choreography, BUNRAKU, also starring DEMI MOORE, is a wholly new and original take on the action and martial arts genre: KILL BILL meets SIN CITY."

  I can truthfully say I've never seen anything quite like this film. 

 The story is that old standby "two blokes team up to face a common enemy" but it's the visuals that are so memorable.  "Sin City" and "The Spirit" are the closest parallels I can think of - two other films that go in for a  hyper-stylised, comic-book aesthetic - but while they opted for stark blacks & whites Bunraku has something that can best be described as "Musical Theatre" - vivd colours, sharp lines, odd perspectives, snazzy outfits.
 Which is why in the opening scene, where two colourfully-attired rival gangs are facing off, I was genuinely expecting somebody to start singing.
 Later on "The Stranger" stages a one-man assault on a police station where we follow him from floor to floor laying waste to the inhabitants while looking in from the outside, like peering into a fold-open dolls house. The whole thing is impressive to behold and may well have been done in one continuous shot.

 "Bunraku" is a traditional Japanese puppet theatre and in keeping with the theme all the exterior sets are made up of 2D flats that rise like a pop-up book for every scene-change. Sounds daft but it works.

  The cast is impressive. Ron Perlman and Woody Harrelson are always worth watching, no matter what they are in, young guns Josh Hartnett and Gackt more than hold their own and the same could be said for Demi Moore.
 Everybody does a fine job but for me the most interesting character was Kevin McBride's swordstick-flashing Killer#2. Yes, that's all the name he gets in this film.
 Killer#2 may be a bit of a dandy but  he's also a ruthless bastard with a tendency to kill his own henchmen when they piss him off.  For some reason his broad Northern accent (Mancunian?) makes him just a little bit more menacing. He could well be the best villain the Bond films never had.

  I enjoyed "Bunraku" but I can definitely see it being a film that divides opinion. Hell, even while I was watching it, I couldn't quite work out  what I thought. This is a film that dances along the fine line between "Visually stunning" and "Pretentious" and that line is different for each person watching.

 How much did I pay for this? £1.
Was it worth it? Very much so. Great cast, good, inventive fights and as I've mentioned already, the visuals are some of the most striking I've seen lately. If you fancy something that tries to be a little different "Bunraku" might be up your strongly lit, plywood alley.

Here's the trailer.
 

 

 That's all folks. 

Cheapo DVD Review: Warrioress (2011)

Which Warrior will Fulfil The Sacred Prophecy?

"Once in every generation, two female warriros must travel across a post-apocalyptic land ruled by the malevolent Falonex Empire, to a mystical stone circle where they must fight a ritual duel with Sacred Swords. If the two warriors are of equal skill, they will fulfil an ancient Prophecy, unite their people in revolution, and fight for their freedom against the overwhelming forces of the Falonex Empire.

The time has come once again for the duel to be fought, and two brave female warriors wil mett at the predestined place.

 But will they meet as friend or foe?" 

Let me get a couple of things off my chest before we go any further. Firstly...

Warrioress is NOT A WORD. 

It just isn't. That's like saying "Astronautess" or "Mechanicette".  The English language suffers enough abuse. Don't kick it in the ribs like this. 

 Secondly, whoever did the cover art does star Cecily Fay no favours. Contrary to what the cover pic might suggest, she's neither undead or psychotic. 

  And weirdly enough, in the film she wears less clothing than on the cover. That's got to be a first for a fantasy film. 

  On the subject of the cover, d'you see the blonde just behind Cecily's right shoulder? Not actually in the film. Now look over to the left hand side. The Roman-looking bloke? Not in it either. 

 Neither is the army behind them. Or the really big birds. Or the mountains.
Do you people even watch the films you're promoting?  

 Now on to the movie itself.  High-budget it isn't.  My initial thought was that a group of LARPers got together to make their own flick.  I think the most people you ever see onscreen  is about twenty and usually it's down in low, single figures.
 Bad CGI is the ruination of many fantasy films so rather wisely, the producers don't make any attempt at dragons, trolls, whatever.  Smart move, kiddies.  There is one shot right at the end that looks like it came straight out of a computer game and I'm not even sure why it was there. It's the payoff to a sub-plot that has sod all to do with the rest of the film. If this was the pilot to a tv series then I might understand but as is? Redundant.

 Acting is, to put it mildly, clearly not a strong point for anybody involved. It doesn't help that the dialogue is clunky, stiff Fantasy-Speak, usually.... delivered ...very...slowly.
 And the "twist" at the climax won't surprise anybody.

  Now let's take a moment to talk about what "Warrioress" (ugh..really?) got right.

 The fights.

  By and large they aren't bad at all. Star Cecily Fay has a background in martial arts & dance and it shows in action scenes that are fluid,sometimes quite creative and always fun to watch.  Not only does Ms. Fay chew up mooks in fine style but she gets a pair of  mini martial-arts epics against bad girl Helen Steinway Bailey.
Mind you, I did think it a bit weird that the climactic duel - the one the film has been building towards all this time - looks pretty but seems a bit rushed.
 
 How much did I pay for this: £7
Was It Worth it? Yes, I think so.  "Warrioress" tries hard with what it has to work with and the result was flawed but watchable enough. If you like films with swordswomen in them, you may like this.

I still think "Warrioress" is a rubbish title though.

 And now some screeenshots.

Cecily is ready to rumble. 

... And enthusiastically chokes one of the bad guys gals.

A little too enthusiastically, perhaps.

One of the tribal elders does...tribal-elder stuff...

Wait...

What the fuck is that on your head? 

Why are you wearing a hat made of astroturf?  

The head of the Falonex empire.

Spends the entire film in a darkened room glowering.

If I had my own empire I can promise you I'd do something more fun - 

drinking, wenching and finding creative ways to kill people who annoyed me, for instance. 

Mwahahahahaha...ahem.

 Falonex minion #1

I liked this guy. I'm convinced that he thought he was in a parody. 

Our heroine rocking the Iron Bra ensemble.

You don't see that much these days. Shame.

 The pictures don't really show it but this young lady is only tiny. 

Then again, so was Buffy Summers and she used to punch demons in the face.

Here's the trailer. 

That's all, folks. 

Cheapo DVD Review: Dragonwolf (2013)

"The Devil's Cauldron, a city where depravity and violence has forged a society in which only the lethal and callous can survive;  two young men who possess the intellect and ferocity to flourish, carve a name for themselves as the most efficient and unstoppable hit men. Side by side, these two brothers are the deadliest killers,  feared by even the most evil criminals...
  But what happens when a beautiful and deadly woman comes between two friends who happen to be highly trained assassins?"

 "Dragonwolf" tells the story of two men, once friends, now mortal enemies and, through flashbacks, how they came to fall out over a woman.
 Not a massively original story but it's put together well, nicely shot and the fight scenes aren't bad at all. Energetic and reasonably inventive, in fact.

 So why did I stop watching this film halfway through and throw it back on the shelf for two weeks?
 In fact, the only reason I bothered picking it up again was that I haven't done a film piece in a while.

The problem is the dialogue.

 I don't know if this is a foreign-language film that was dubbed by minimum wage nightshift workers suffering from sleep-deprivation or the entire cast are all speaking a language they only just learnt. Either way, things move along Ok when nobody is talking but as soon as anybody opens their mouth it gets uncomfortable to listen to.
 It doesn't help that our unfortunate thesps are given lines that desperately want to be Tarantino-style cool but veer off course and hit "Pretentious" instead.
 There are other problems. One supporting character has a bad case of Incurable Ham Actor. Another is the sort of jive-talking Black Guy stereotype that stopped being acceptable somewhere in the 80s.
 Then there's the three swordsmen who seem to have teleported in from another movie entirely - some Japanese thing about demon-hunters would be my guess - quickly followed by a swordswoman dressed like a go-go dancer who seems to have been added purely to up the fanservice quota. God knows she doesn't really do much beyond tidy up a few plot holes. It's a bit random.

Dragonwolf does have some things going for it - fights especially - and if it wasn't for the hamfisted dialogue I'd be a lot more impressed.  Approach with caution.

How much did I pay for this? £4
Was it worth it? I'd be lying if I said I was anything other than disappointed.

Cheapo DVD Review: The Girl From The Naked Eye (2012)

Starring

Jason Yee

Samantha Streets

Ron Yuan

Gary Stretch

Dominique Swain

Sasha Grey

Jerry Ying

 "When a high-class escort is found murdered, her protector Jake is crushed. he loved her and now he'll stop at nothing to find her killer. Leaving a bloody trail in his wake, Jake risks everything to uncover the truth and take his vengeance.

The Girl From The Naked Eye takes us through an underground world of sex and drugs where nothing is savoury and everything is deadly."

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Sin City" aren't you?

There is another DVD cover out there that suggests that's the reaction the producers were hoping for.

 Oh very subtle. 

  Can I also point out that neither of the girls on this cover is in it for very long. The sultry brunette is in it for two scenes (one rather odd sex scene and getting a backhander from the hero.) while the blonde also gets two scenes (briefly popping up in a bar to offer useful advice.) Meanwhile poor Samantha Streets (who plays unfortunate female lead Sandy) is utterly ignored. A shame because she makes a decent stab at it and in a film where literally every female character is a hooker or a stripper her girl-next-door look is refreshing. But hey, let's focus on the ex-porn star  who was in "Entourage".

 Dammit I hate it when film distributors do that. Remember when Pamela Anderson suddenly became the biggest pinup in the Western world and every single film in which she'd had a walk-on part  suddenly got re-released with her name and boobs splashed across the cover?

Where was I...

 This is almost certainly the cheapest DVD I've ever written about. It cost me one of these:

You can't even get a Mars Bar for that these days. So my expectations were low. 

 But as it turns out, despite having a terrible, terrible name that makes it sound like a porn film "The Girl From The Naked Eye" isn't bad. 

 It's not brilliant either but did I mention that I paid 50p for this?  At that price, opening the box to find the DVD is actually in there makes for a nice surprise.

  It will surprise nobody to know that hero Jake gets in some serious monologuing, using that special gruff semi-whisper people only use when they're talking about the "Dark side of the city" and so on. 

  And as expected, Jake spends most of the film relentlessly working his way from one suspect to the next, doing violent things unto them and anybody daft enough to get in his way. 

  There's some highly respectable violence in this film, by the way. Nothing too flashy or over-choreographed, just good, solid facebreaking.

 I'm willing to forgive the scene blatantly cribbed from "Oldboy" 

 Whenever he's not hitting people, he breaks out the ciggies. It explains the voice-over I suppose.

  Balancing out the "Man on a mission" punchy-stuff, the relationship between Jake and the doomed Sandy is fleshed out through flashbacks. Despite occasionally dipping into sappiness this does give you some idea why our hero cared so much about Sandy and why he's so pissed off.

  Acting? More than decent from everybody concerned. No obvious weak links that I could see. The dialogue is a tad formulaic in places but *shrug* that's about par for the course.

  I do take issue with some of the soundtrack choices though. I can sort of see where they were going with it, - and lord knows it's nice to hear something beyond aggro-metal and shouty hip-hop -  but setting a brutal punchup to a semi-muted Ravel's "Bolero" is just peculiar. 

  

How much did I pay for this: Less than the price of a Greggs doughnut. 

Was it worth it?  Definitely. "The Girl With The Naked Eye" isn't brilliant but I found myself enjoying the ride.

 I just checked the back of the DVD cover. Samantha Streets doesn't make an appearance there either but the four women who do are on screen for a grand total of five minutes between them. So what the hell, here's a piccie.

 And here's the trailer.

That's all folks.

Cheapo DVD Reviews: Low Blow (1986)

Starring

Leo Fong

Cameron Mitchell

Diane Stevenett

Troy Donahue

Akosua Busia

Patty Bowling

Stack Pierce

Woody Farmer

Elaine Hightower

Manny Dela Pena

David Cochran

Joe Wong is a former cop now scraping by as a private eye. When rich businessman John Templeton witnesses Joe kicking the crap out of a pair of purse-snatchers, he decides that he's found the right man to find his missing daughter. Joe traces the girl to a secretive cult who've set up their own commune but after an initial investigation goes pear-shaped, he decides he needs some backup. Recruiting a team of hardcases, including an ex-wrestler, a washed up boxer, a female bodybuilder and a knifefighting street gangster, Joe Wong is going to pay a certain commune another visit and this time he's not leaving empty handed.

  Before I start on the film itself, let me quickly mention the soundtrack: It consists almost entirely of the sort of sub-"Miami Vice" dreck that would plague films for years afterwards - all ambient synths and processed squealing guitar - and plays over each and every scene regardless of what's happening on screen. It will get right on your tits in no time.

  The film itself is... well there's a song called "Acceptable in the 80s" and it describes "Low Blow" rather well.  In fact, you could easily rejig the whole thing as an "A-Team" or "Fall Guy" episode just by toning down the final assault on the compound.
 Incidentally during said assault, one of the gun-toting bad guys has Joe Wong stood right in front of him at point blank range...
... And promptly drops the gun snarling "I'll kill you with my bare hands." Even by 80s standards this is a bit corny, especially since the resulting fight is not exactly Bruce Lee v Chuck Norris.
 Really, the cult do not come across as the smartest bunch in the world. The guards are all low-rent goons in vests and since the religious message equates to vague mumblings about peace and love, the cultees seem to be people that would follow the postman if he said hello in a vaguely meaningful way.
 Cult Leader Yarakunda comes across as a tragic, slightly confused figure who clearly has no idea what's going on. It's his girlfriend/deputy/oracle Karma that calls the shots and snatches up most of the scenery-chewing that's available.  And we know she's just in it for the dosh as Joe strolls into a university lecture just as the professor is telling his class this very thing.  That was convenient, wasn't it?
 "Low Blow" sort of ambles along at cruising speed, dropping in a fight every now an again to justify the "Action movie" tag. There's even a pit-fighting tournament, ostensibly to help Joe recruit his army but mainly to allow the director to sneak in a couple of ninja and some fat blokes mud-wrestling.
 Mind you, I did like the bit where a couple of Karma's goons go after Joe on his farm. He spends ten minutes or so messing with them then when they decide they don't want to play anymore and scuttle back to their car, uses an angle-grinder to turn it into a convertible. Inventive.
 The finale is standard fare: The good guys pick off the guards, most of whom are terminally inattentive, grab the girl and piss off again. It's OK I suppose.
 
  So, to sum up:

How much did I pay for it: £1.50
Was it worth it? Well it kept me vaguely interested for an hour and a bit, I suppose."Low Blow" is neither an undiscovered classic nor cheesy enough for comedy value. Watch if you have an afternoon spare, it's raining outside and your entire DVD collection has been eaten by a Rottweiler.

 Time for some screencaps. 

 These two show up all through the movie and get their asses kicked every single time. What else do you expect from somebody who thinks that hat and that windbreaker are a good combination? 

Basically the cult attracts people in need of spiritual comfort or answers to life's questions

And uses them as cheap labour.  

While an overacting woman harangues them with a mike.

 

She really gets into it too.

Yarakunda dispenses his message of peace and love.

Crazy chick and large men in wifebeaters stand by to make sure people pay attention -  or else.

This pretty much sums up the relationship between Karma and Yarakunda.

Poor sod really has no idea does he? 

Joe converts a Merc into a convertible. The owners are still in it at this point which doesn't  

seem very OHSA complaint but at least Joe is wearing the proper safety glasses. 

Mud Wrestling. You're doing it wrong.

Bad director. Bad director.  Go stand in the corner and think about what you did.

 

 I have no idea why a pair of Ninja show up for this scene, 

especially since neither of them ever appear again.

Joe briefs his team. None of them seem too bothered by the news that the opposition has guns.

Personally I'd be like "I have a black belt. How's that supposed to stop a frigging bullet, genius?"

(I don't really have a black belt, just so's you know. I'd love to have a black belt but when it comes down to it, martial arts training involves lots of exercise and being punched in the face, neither of which really suits me. I can get really sarcastic when I want to, though.) 

Yeah. Could this be any more 80s?

That's a woman, by the way. 

 And Joe delivers the dreaded Double Cock Punch to a pair of hapless goons.

  Trailer here if you're interested.

That's all folks.

Film review: Amsterdam Heavy (2011)

After a trip to Bangkok, JD arrives back in Amsterdam stowed away in a container.  He has no memories - at all - an impressive set of bruises and a set of numbers carved into his arm.  After recruiting nurse-turned-stripper Monique, JD wants to find out who did this to him and why so he's going to keep hitting people until somebody tells him.

Starring:

Rik Sinkeldam 

(Because the producers couldn't afford Jason Statham)

Alison Carroll 

(Because the producers couldn't afford Kate Beckinsale.)

(Or even Rhona Mitra)

Michael Madsen

(Who isn't in it that much but he's the biggest name

 so he's going on the DVD cover, dammit)

Some Dutch people you've never heard of. 

This movie features the following: 

Violence

Boobs

Some bloke getting his fingers cut off and microwaved

Two blokes riding down a busy street on bicycles, blasting away at each other with pistols.

Psycho lesbians

Lots of closeups of a Xylophone.

(Probably quite exciting if you're into Xylophones.)

So why didn't I enjoy this more than I did? 

"Amsterdam Heavy" has occasional flickers of something better but never really gets into gear. Part of that is JD himself. He looks like a badass and has his moments but is essentially too dull to carry the flick. 

On the subject of dull: the fight scenes. There's some legitimate MMA fighters involved so I have to ask why the fights look so half-assed. Poor choreography? Poor camerawork? All the above?  Watch anything Jason Statham's done lately to see how this should be done properly.

  If you're a diehard Michael Madsen fan,  don't bother seeing this. He's in three scenes and does nothing more than rattle off some sub-Tarantino bollocks, possibly while drunk.  I mean, he does it well but deserves much better.

 On the plus side....Alison Carroll looks lovely throughout and ...err... that's about it.

 The bit with the bikes was fun I suppose.

How much did I pay for this: £2.  Was it worth it: Barely.   

Been Watching: Vampire Shadows (2005)

AKA: Shira The Samurai Vampire.

Medieval Japan: A young samurai woman is attacked by vampires and chooses death rather than become one of the undead. 

Present day: Shira and her team of vampire hunters seek out and destroy the forces of darkness.