Cheapo DVD Review: Warrioress (2011)

Which Warrior will Fulfil The Sacred Prophecy?

"Once in every generation, two female warriros must travel across a post-apocalyptic land ruled by the malevolent Falonex Empire, to a mystical stone circle where they must fight a ritual duel with Sacred Swords. If the two warriors are of equal skill, they will fulfil an ancient Prophecy, unite their people in revolution, and fight for their freedom against the overwhelming forces of the Falonex Empire.

The time has come once again for the duel to be fought, and two brave female warriors wil mett at the predestined place.

 But will they meet as friend or foe?" 

Let me get a couple of things off my chest before we go any further. Firstly...

Warrioress is NOT A WORD. 

It just isn't. That's like saying "Astronautess" or "Mechanicette".  The English language suffers enough abuse. Don't kick it in the ribs like this. 

 Secondly, whoever did the cover art does star Cecily Fay no favours. Contrary to what the cover pic might suggest, she's neither undead or psychotic. 

  And weirdly enough, in the film she wears less clothing than on the cover. That's got to be a first for a fantasy film. 

  On the subject of the cover, d'you see the blonde just behind Cecily's right shoulder? Not actually in the film. Now look over to the left hand side. The Roman-looking bloke? Not in it either. 

 Neither is the army behind them. Or the really big birds. Or the mountains.
Do you people even watch the films you're promoting?  

 Now on to the movie itself.  High-budget it isn't.  My initial thought was that a group of LARPers got together to make their own flick.  I think the most people you ever see onscreen  is about twenty and usually it's down in low, single figures.
 Bad CGI is the ruination of many fantasy films so rather wisely, the producers don't make any attempt at dragons, trolls, whatever.  Smart move, kiddies.  There is one shot right at the end that looks like it came straight out of a computer game and I'm not even sure why it was there. It's the payoff to a sub-plot that has sod all to do with the rest of the film. If this was the pilot to a tv series then I might understand but as is? Redundant.

 Acting is, to put it mildly, clearly not a strong point for anybody involved. It doesn't help that the dialogue is clunky, stiff Fantasy-Speak, usually.... delivered ...very...slowly.
 And the "twist" at the climax won't surprise anybody.

  Now let's take a moment to talk about what "Warrioress" (ugh..really?) got right.

 The fights.

  By and large they aren't bad at all. Star Cecily Fay has a background in martial arts & dance and it shows in action scenes that are fluid,sometimes quite creative and always fun to watch.  Not only does Ms. Fay chew up mooks in fine style but she gets a pair of  mini martial-arts epics against bad girl Helen Steinway Bailey.
Mind you, I did think it a bit weird that the climactic duel - the one the film has been building towards all this time - looks pretty but seems a bit rushed.
 
 How much did I pay for this: £7
Was It Worth it? Yes, I think so.  "Warrioress" tries hard with what it has to work with and the result was flawed but watchable enough. If you like films with swordswomen in them, you may like this.

I still think "Warrioress" is a rubbish title though.

 And now some screeenshots.

Cecily is ready to rumble. 

... And enthusiastically chokes one of the bad guys gals.

A little too enthusiastically, perhaps.

One of the tribal elders does...tribal-elder stuff...

Wait...

What the fuck is that on your head? 

Why are you wearing a hat made of astroturf?  

The head of the Falonex empire.

Spends the entire film in a darkened room glowering.

If I had my own empire I can promise you I'd do something more fun - 

drinking, wenching and finding creative ways to kill people who annoyed me, for instance. 

Mwahahahahaha...ahem.

 Falonex minion #1

I liked this guy. I'm convinced that he thought he was in a parody. 

Our heroine rocking the Iron Bra ensemble.

You don't see that much these days. Shame.

 The pictures don't really show it but this young lady is only tiny. 

Then again, so was Buffy Summers and she used to punch demons in the face.

Here's the trailer. 

That's all, folks.