Starring
Leo Fong
Cameron Mitchell
Diane Stevenett
Troy Donahue
Akosua Busia
Patty Bowling
Stack Pierce
Woody Farmer
Elaine Hightower
Manny Dela Pena
David Cochran
Joe Wong is a former cop now scraping by as a private eye. When rich businessman John Templeton witnesses Joe kicking the crap out of a pair of purse-snatchers, he decides that he's found the right man to find his missing daughter. Joe traces the girl to a secretive cult who've set up their own commune but after an initial investigation goes pear-shaped, he decides he needs some backup. Recruiting a team of hardcases, including an ex-wrestler, a washed up boxer, a female bodybuilder and a knifefighting street gangster, Joe Wong is going to pay a certain commune another visit and this time he's not leaving empty handed.
Before I start on the film itself, let me quickly mention the soundtrack: It consists almost entirely of the sort of sub-"Miami Vice" dreck that would plague films for years afterwards - all ambient synths and processed squealing guitar - and plays over each and every scene regardless of what's happening on screen. It will get right on your tits in no time.
The film itself is... well there's a song called "Acceptable in the 80s" and it describes "Low Blow" rather well. In fact, you could easily rejig the whole thing as an "A-Team" or "Fall Guy" episode just by toning down the final assault on the compound.
Incidentally during said assault, one of the gun-toting bad guys has Joe Wong stood right in front of him at point blank range...
... And promptly drops the gun snarling "I'll kill you with my bare hands." Even by 80s standards this is a bit corny, especially since the resulting fight is not exactly Bruce Lee v Chuck Norris.
Really, the cult do not come across as the smartest bunch in the world. The guards are all low-rent goons in vests and since the religious message equates to vague mumblings about peace and love, the cultees seem to be people that would follow the postman if he said hello in a vaguely meaningful way.
Cult Leader Yarakunda comes across as a tragic, slightly confused figure who clearly has no idea what's going on. It's his girlfriend/deputy/oracle Karma that calls the shots and snatches up most of the scenery-chewing that's available. And we know she's just in it for the dosh as Joe strolls into a university lecture just as the professor is telling his class this very thing. That was convenient, wasn't it?
"Low Blow" sort of ambles along at cruising speed, dropping in a fight every now an again to justify the "Action movie" tag. There's even a pit-fighting tournament, ostensibly to help Joe recruit his army but mainly to allow the director to sneak in a couple of ninja and some fat blokes mud-wrestling.
Mind you, I did like the bit where a couple of Karma's goons go after Joe on his farm. He spends ten minutes or so messing with them then when they decide they don't want to play anymore and scuttle back to their car, uses an angle-grinder to turn it into a convertible. Inventive.
The finale is standard fare: The good guys pick off the guards, most of whom are terminally inattentive, grab the girl and piss off again. It's OK I suppose.
So, to sum up:
How much did I pay for it: £1.50
Was it worth it? Well it kept me vaguely interested for an hour and a bit, I suppose."Low Blow" is neither an undiscovered classic nor cheesy enough for comedy value. Watch if you have an afternoon spare, it's raining outside and your entire DVD collection has been eaten by a Rottweiler.
These two show up all through the movie and get their asses kicked every single time. What else do you expect from somebody who thinks that hat and that windbreaker are a good combination?
That's all folks.
The film itself is... well there's a song called "Acceptable in the 80s" and it describes "Low Blow" rather well. In fact, you could easily rejig the whole thing as an "A-Team" or "Fall Guy" episode just by toning down the final assault on the compound.
Incidentally during said assault, one of the gun-toting bad guys has Joe Wong stood right in front of him at point blank range...
... And promptly drops the gun snarling "I'll kill you with my bare hands." Even by 80s standards this is a bit corny, especially since the resulting fight is not exactly Bruce Lee v Chuck Norris.
Really, the cult do not come across as the smartest bunch in the world. The guards are all low-rent goons in vests and since the religious message equates to vague mumblings about peace and love, the cultees seem to be people that would follow the postman if he said hello in a vaguely meaningful way.
Cult Leader Yarakunda comes across as a tragic, slightly confused figure who clearly has no idea what's going on. It's his girlfriend/deputy/oracle Karma that calls the shots and snatches up most of the scenery-chewing that's available. And we know she's just in it for the dosh as Joe strolls into a university lecture just as the professor is telling his class this very thing. That was convenient, wasn't it?
"Low Blow" sort of ambles along at cruising speed, dropping in a fight every now an again to justify the "Action movie" tag. There's even a pit-fighting tournament, ostensibly to help Joe recruit his army but mainly to allow the director to sneak in a couple of ninja and some fat blokes mud-wrestling.
Mind you, I did like the bit where a couple of Karma's goons go after Joe on his farm. He spends ten minutes or so messing with them then when they decide they don't want to play anymore and scuttle back to their car, uses an angle-grinder to turn it into a convertible. Inventive.
The finale is standard fare: The good guys pick off the guards, most of whom are terminally inattentive, grab the girl and piss off again. It's OK I suppose.
So, to sum up:
How much did I pay for it: £1.50
Was it worth it? Well it kept me vaguely interested for an hour and a bit, I suppose."Low Blow" is neither an undiscovered classic nor cheesy enough for comedy value. Watch if you have an afternoon spare, it's raining outside and your entire DVD collection has been eaten by a Rottweiler.
Time for some screencaps.
Basically the cult attracts people in need of spiritual comfort or answers to life's questions
And uses them as cheap labour.
While an overacting woman harangues them with a mike.
She really gets into it too.
Yarakunda dispenses his message of peace and love.
Crazy chick and large men in wifebeaters stand by to make sure people pay attention - or else.
This pretty much sums up the relationship between Karma and Yarakunda.
Poor sod really has no idea does he?
Joe converts a Merc into a convertible. The owners are still in it at this point which doesn't
seem very OHSA complaint but at least Joe is wearing the proper safety glasses.
Mud Wrestling. You're doing it wrong.
Bad director. Bad director. Go stand in the corner and think about what you did.
I have no idea why a pair of Ninja show up for this scene,
especially since neither of them ever appear again.
Joe briefs his team. None of them seem too bothered by the news that the opposition has guns.
Personally I'd be like "I have a black belt. How's that supposed to stop a frigging bullet, genius?"
(I don't really have a black belt, just so's you know. I'd love to have a black belt but when it comes down to it, martial arts training involves lots of exercise and being punched in the face, neither of which really suits me. I can get really sarcastic when I want to, though.)
Yeah. Could this be any more 80s?
That's a woman, by the way.
And Joe delivers the dreaded Double Cock Punch to a pair of hapless goons.
Trailer here if you're interested.
You have ably described the absence of worth from the alleged classic. That was a summary trial!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry about your $1.50.
Typical 80s movie to watch just to kill time. I love your description and it made me laugh! I've seen loads of these labelled as forgettable ones with equally amnesia-causing titles :D
ReplyDeleteJust went back & checked.
ReplyDeleteBloody hell BgD, what came over you? That was one & a bloody half Brit Pounds you just wasted, not dollars!!!
Cheers, ic
I had no idea that this was the film that proved ONCE AND FOR ALL that man's fist is his most deadly weapon. Wow. Impressive. :)
ReplyDeleteI have friends that LOVE these bad films. They are good for a laugh or two sometimes. But, this one looks REALLY bad, lol
Hammer it home!