Saturday, 29 April 2017

Heavy Metal Cover Girls: In Space!

  Ok, so my plan to post on a daily basis kinda went tits-up but that's what happens to plans. Stuff happens, plans change, planners try and make it seems like they had it under control the whole time.

 Now let's look at some album covers. 

  Since I've just been watching Doctor Who, I think I'll reuse the theme of Sci-Fi - although obviously all these are from a less cerebral strain of Science Fiction that places more emphasis on Blasters and Skintight trousers. Or no trousers at all. 

The Pass Outs - Dead Technology (Australia 2017)

SciFi Album cover sexy metal bikini
Celebrating one of the most memorable moments in Sci-Fi history and many a young boy's adolescent dreams,
while at the same time paying tribute to Princess Leia being a legitimate badass.

Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Heavy Metal Cover Girls:Blindfold Beauties.

The hour is late and I've just remembered that I was supposed to be posting every day this week. 
Time to delve into my Cover Girls folder and see if there's a sub-folder that's nice and full. 

Ah. here we go. 

Album cover artists do tend to use and reuse the same tropes over and over again. Nakedness to represent  vulnerability, curled up in a corner to signify being lost and hurt , butt-cheeks to represent how much the artist likes arses. You get the idea. 
  Sometimes the message is clear. Sometimes it's a bit more obscure. Sometimes there isn't really a message - the band and artist merely wanted a striking visual image and any interpretation is in our own heads.

 So my question for you is this: When an album cover has a woman on the cover with her eyes hidden under a fold of cloth what do you think that's supposed to mean? 

  Kissin' Black - Heart Over Head (Switzerland/Italy 2014)

album cover blondfolded woman
  As blindfolds go, phase-shifting half her face into the shadow realm is pretty bloody effective.  



Sinner - Dangerous Charm (Germany 1987)

metal album blonde woman blindfolded
Whereas this blindfold is just bloody useless.
Oi you. No peeking. 


小雨 - 破墨山谷 

(Mysterain - After The End Of The Valley)(China 2016)

metal album cover girl blindfolded
This is one of those where I'm sure there's a story waiting to be told. 
Something about a sage, maybe?
There's at least two different ways you can interpret "After The End Of The Valley" and one of them is a bit grim.

Экскалибур - В руках судьбы EP (Russia 2011)

(Excalibur - In The Hands of Fate EP)
Blindfolded woman image
So why does a woman who can't see need a lantern anyway?
Hmm. Is this some sort of Zen thing?
And is this the sister of the lady in the Mysterain cover?


Azylya - Sweet Cerebral Destruction (Belgium 2013)

album cover blindfolded woman art
If nothing else we've established that album covers from literally all over the world can share similar themes. 
Anybody else find that interesting? 
The album cover? Yeah..it's nice but I've got nothing. 

Constraint - Enlightened By Darkness (Italy 2016)

Try taking the bloody blindfold off. I guarantee you'll stop bumping into things. 



General Greed -Rectifying For Justice (Sweden 2017)

As superheroes go, Blindfold Singing Justice Woman was quite effective
She desperately needed a snappier name though. 
Very, very Comics-influenced isn't it. 


Excuse- Goddess Injsutice EP (Finland 2016)

Another rare case where the cover relates to the actual album title. 
Now look closely at her eyes. 
Changes the meaning, doesn't it?


The Longing - Bleed (USA 2016)

I think we just walked into a BDSM fantasy gone horribly wrong. 


Stonelake - Shades Of Eternity (Sweden 2009)

I like this cover despite the fact that I don't understand it.
Some sort of Sci-Fi thing going on...maybe something about perception?

Sometimes there was no hidden message beyond "Make it look cool"

That's all folks. 

Tuesday, 25 April 2017

Alestorm have a new video out.

 Years and years back one of the regulars on the Bloodstock forums shared a link to some music his band had been working on. The band was called "Battleheart" and they described themselves as Scottish Pirate Metal.
 What I didn't know at the time was that Battleheart would evolve into Alestorm and while they might never be the biggest band in metal they sure as hell were one of the most entertaining. 
   
On April 21 the kings of True Scottish Pirate Metal released a taster for their upcoming album and all the trademarks are present and correct.  Keytar - check. Lyrics about Rum and pirates - check. Chorus that embeds itself in your skull - check. Fun video that doesn't take itself too seriously - check, check and check again.

 Alestorm make heavy metal to get drunk to. Excellent.


Is that Peter frigging Dinklage in the video? 
Somebody tell me if it is, I'm dying to know. 

Monday, 24 April 2017

Heavy Metal Cover Girls: Baby's Got Back

 I haven't posted much lately so to make up for it, I'm going to attempt to post very day this week.

Note the word "Attempt"

 And I'm going to start at the bottom. Several bottoms in fact, because today I'm going to do a post I've been threatening for years. An entire collection of Metal album covers starring womens' butt-cheeks and nothing but butt-cheeks.   I was honestly amazed at how many there are. 

  Slippery - First Blow (Brazil 2012)

album cover buttocks

 Commentary is probably not a good idea.  There's not a lot I can say without resorting to "Carry On" jokes.

Bash Nasty - Vinyl EP (USA 2001)

Heavy Metal Cover Girls


Burdel King - ¡Ladran, Luego Cabalgamos! (Spain 2011)


In case you haven't noticed yet, the degree of cheek-coverage is steadily going down. 
Leave now if this is going to be a problem. 

Blood God - No Brain, But Balls! (Germany 2012)

Neither brain nor balls on display here. Just saying. 

Sinner - Touch of Sin (Germany 1985)


Sinner - Touch of Sin 2 (Germany 2013)

Praying to the Butt God, I see. 

Beautiful Beast - California Suntan (USA 2012)

Glam Rock sexy

Loudness - Dragon (Japan 1998)

Heavy metal sexy women

I bet I could do at least another post just on bums... 
..but I probably shouldn't. 

That's all folks. 

Sunday, 23 April 2017

The Southsea Cookie Monster

This is a rather striking piece of wall art just round the corner from Southsea Town Centre. 

I like it. I hope you will too. 





If anybody from the art team is reading this: massive fan of your work. Thanks for making my town a bit more colourful.

Monday, 17 April 2017

DVD Review: The Beaster Bunny (2014)

Genre: Low Budget Creature-Feature
"Hide your eggs! A 50 foot Man-eating Easter Bunny is on the loose...
...And the townsfolk don't stand a hop in hell.
As the bloodthirsty, floppy-eared killer leaves a trail of dismembered corpses, the town's only chance of survival rests with a wannabe actress and a crazy dog-catcher.
God help them!"

  The cover and the blurb make this film sound much better than it really is. Because - and there is no polite way of saying this, even if I wanted to - this film is terrible.  
  
 All you need to know about The Beaster Bunny can be summed up in one screenshot. 

 This is what BunnyZilla looks like. 


   Holy crap, this thing looks awful - and the shiteness doesn't end there. I am convinced that the animation team  just used an old, motheaten stuffy rabbit on some bits of string.because the bloody thing lurches along like Muffin The Mule. (Or the  Team America mannequins if you're not old.)

  The lack of budget also extends to the cast, half of whom, pull double duty. I'm fairly certain the same girl was eaten twice. 
 I think the producers were hoping that the audience would be distracted by the jarring outbreaks of gratuitous nudity and not notice small details like that. Or the fact that there's some terrible, terrible acting on display. Or that they slipped in some aerial scenery shots that bore no resemblance to the actual location.  FFS, one of them had a desert in it. 

  Or maybe they wanted us to notice. 

  Maybe they were making a deliberate attempt to make an Asylum-style schlocky, snarkbait rich Crap Creature Feature. It's so heard to tell these days. 

  Personally I just thought it was wank, full stop.
Not recommended, even when very drunk  

 And since this film has already been re-released once with a different title, expect The Beaster Bunny to show up again two/three Easters down the line with a new name and a new cover that lies to you. 

Just avoid anything with a big rabbit on the cover and you should be safe. 

Here's the trailer. Make up your own mind. 



That's all folks. 
  

Thursday, 6 April 2017

The Metal Project: Short and Savage

Metal songs about metal

    Metal bands have always loved a good epic. Rhyme Of the Ancient Mariner, One, Victim of Changes... a whole bunch of Dream Theater songs....basically a chance to fit in some extended soling, Proggy time changes and two and a half pages of lyrics.

 Then there's bands that go the other way. Bands that take the stripped down, no frills approach of Punk and file it down even further.  Throw in a vicious sense of humour and you have the bands I'm posting today.

Every single one of these songs has the word "Metal" in the title. 

Just don't expect the usual fist-in-the air stuff.

Morbid Axe -Metal God is Gay  (Japan 2007)

(Well I did warn you.)

Honour to: FissoNoise666

Adrenicide - Metal Fucking Metal (UK 2011)


Honour to: Sillykid721

Coffin Born - Piano Metal (USA 2002)

(I don't normally do instrumentals but this one is...interesting)
<

Honour to: Dave Smith


Bursa Lamb - Beee Metal (Greece 2014)

(A band that describe their sound as "Intergalactic deathsheep lounge music".)


Honour to: Bursa lamb

The Anal Treatment XXXperience - Black Metal Boy-Toy (Greece 2014)

(I am anticipating some novel search queries coming my way because of this one.)

Honour to: Analos Blastatos


Captain Cleanoff - Life Metal (Australia 2008)


Honour to: The Grind Show

Have you noticed that these are getting shorter and shorter?

Blister Unit - Gunmetal (USA 2010)


Honour to: CrazyMetalZombie


Scholastic Death- We Think Metal Music Is Awesome But... (USA? 2004)

(Probably more punk than Metal but fuck it.
Their Final Examiner album had 44 tracks on it!)


Honour to: Sillykid721


Total Fucking Destruction - Fear Of A Black Metal Planet (USA 2000)



Honour to: The Grind Show


And finally...

Shyshit - Cream Metal (Canada 2011)


It took longer to post that song than it did to listen to it!

Honour to: ShyshitFactory

That's all folks


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