Thursday, 26 April 2018

March Of The Dinosaurs

Last year I made a post about the latest additions to my back garden, namely a couple of plastic dinosaurs.  (Read it HERE )    Well, recently I had a bad attack of impulse buying and ended up coming home with a whole bagful of miniature saurians.

And here they are migrating towards their new home. Try and imagine the soundtrack to One Million BC playing as you read onwards.

A motley collection of thunder lizards trek across the barrens.
  An uneasy truce exists between the different species, with the relationship between the herbivores 
and the sole carnivore being particularly tense. 

 Legend has it that on the other side of this barren  veg patch  wilderness lies a land of tall trees and delicious plants. 
What the carnivore is hoping for is anybodies guess and nobody feels like asking him. 
It would almost certainly involves the words "Slow", "defenceless" and "well-marbled"

 By unanimous decision Brutus the Brachiosaur is the leader. mainly because he can step on anybody that argues, 
but also because a guy who can spot things from 30ft up is exactly the dinosaur you want on point. 

He has nice eyes too. Everybody likes the eyes. 

Will our saurian explorers ever reach the promised land?
Will anybody mysteriously disappear overnight while Mr Carnivore strangely gains weight? 

Does anybody know what the bloody hell all these dinosaurs actually are? 
Why is that one guy bright orange? 

These questions may or may not get answered in a later post. 

That's all folks. 

Sunday, 22 April 2018

Raining Men From A Lacerated Sky

You ever have one of those moments where you realise once again that maybe you think a little differently from the people around you?   I get those a lot.  I seem to have spent  a lot of my life watching people nervously back away while nodding and smiling.

Of course sometimes I do it deliberately....

In this case it started when "Raining Men" came on the works radio and one of the ladies I work with mentioned that having men drop from the sky would be "so great."

 "You've got a different mental image of that than I have ." I told her. 
"Why? What do think it would look like? she asked me.

And I told her.

When I had finished, there was a pause that stretched on a little too long. She may have blinked at me nervously. In the words of Britney "Oops. I did it again."

You see, every time I hear "Raining Men"  I don't think "Happy and camp." I think this:

You look up at the sky and it looks wrong. Dark, angry clouds boil overhead with red light flaring through the gaps like bloody gashes in bruised flesh. And the rain begins.

Hundreds of tiny, tiny shapes dropping from the clouds. As they grow nearer you  see that each one is a man, his arms and legs flailing frantically, clawing at the sky in a futile attempt to slow his fall just a little longer. 
 Then you hear it. The screams.  The sound of hundreds of men crying their last in terror and impotent anger because they don't understand why this is happening to them, only that they are going to die.  

The first man lands. Metal crumples and glass shatters as he smashes into the roof of a car with a sickening crunch.  The next arrives on the pavements outside, screams ending in a final explosion of violence. He bursts open before your eyes, blood spraying across the road. 
There's blood on your clothes now, and on your face. It's strangely warm. 

 All around you tumbling bodies are hitting the ground with a sickening noise, and you start screaming for it to stop, that this is not what you meant. This was never what you wanted. 
 The storm stops. A final body topples from the roof top where he landed, as shattered as the slates that tumble away behind him, as limp as a rag doll and he lands at your feet. 

He looks like he was young.  Maybe he was handsome once. But his eyes are open wide, his mouth is frozen in the shape of his final, wordless howl. And he's lying in a puddle of his own blood and brains. 

The storm has ended, the rain finished. The clouds melt away as fast as they came, the eerie red light fading with them. 

All that is left is the blood, the broken bodies crumpled in the streets and gardens...

And the memory of the screams. 

 So the next time you hear that song, just remember:

Scream. Splat. Splash. 

That's all folks. 

Sunday, 15 April 2018

What The Hell. Here's Some Women Wrestling Pictures.

There's clearly a lot of people out there who like their old-school women's wrestling so how about I make you all  a little happier and put up some pics I happen to have lying about.

 Shirley Strimple rolls out of the way and Ramona Teselle lands on the ref instead. 
The refs must have hated working the ladies matches as the poor sods were always getting battered. 
If they didn't have a couple of big girls using them as a cash mat then one would just lose her rag and try to attack him. 
You can see an expression of weary resignation on this ref's face. 

I think this is a French match from somewhere in the 1960s and I think the woman in Leopard print is Nady Jacky. 
Since my knowledge of Eeuropean women's wrestling is minimal I can't really say much more than that. 

Mari Akagi tries to break her opponent's arm. 
The first time I saw pictures of Japanese women wrestlers I was astonished. 
Even back then they seemed a lot more athletic and ferocious than the US/UK I was used to. 

The late, great mae Young is apparently after divine assistance in this match.
Not how the referee is wearing a cheap t-shirt because he knows it's getting ripped off at some point.  

Holy crap.  Mexican luchadoras don't fuck about do they?

Hope you liked these and I'll see you soon. 

Saturday, 7 April 2018

Kobra And The Lotus Get Kawaii.

  What with BabyMetal, Band-Maid, Lovebites and the frankly odd Neconomidol the Japanese have created then cornered the market in Kawaii Metal.  Metal bands that combine catchiness, melody and a definite Anime soundtrack feel to them.

However Canadian metalheads Kobra and The Lotus have decided to challenge the J-Idols at their own game. Their latest video sees front-woman Kobra Paige not only singing in Japanese and rocking a distinctly cute ensemble but getting her own crazy anime avatar.

 Personally I loved it.  I like the song and while the anime vid isn't exactly Studio Madhouse it has a quirky charm and a happy ending. I also have to admire the drummer windmilling as he plays. That can't be easy.

See what you think.

Sunday, 1 April 2018

Cheapo DVD Review: Sharkenstein (2016)

Genre: Sharksploitation

Shark movie reviews

WW2: An experiment to create unstoppable soldiers by combining Frankenstein's monster with sharks is shut down by the SS and the research taken away to North America.
Modern day: People are mysteriously disappearing from the wars around a small American town.  Hmm. Wonder what could be causing that...

Naturally the film on the DVD cover isn't the film you actually get. No jets, no bikini babes and nowhere near the budget. Or any budget at all.

"Sharkenstein" is very, very low-budget and this is made painfully apparent within the first couple of scenes.

   The producers couldn't afford  CGI, or even a plastic U-boat.  So instead they pasted in a 2D pic of a sub conning tower and hoped nobody would notice.

  Now I could just post a picture of Sharkenstein and that would tell you everything you need to know but I shall get a few more shots in first.

 Let's skip ahead to our protagonists and yet more questions.   

As far as I can tell, the three holidaymakers dress, talk and behave like youngsters: College-age in fact.

At least one of them is in the right age-range
  But she does seem visibly confused as to her companions. 
   A bit old for college and definitely too old to wear your hat like that unless you're called "Bubba"

    Dad, you're drunk. turn your hat round the right way.

Did the producers think we wouldn't notice or, as I suspect, they used some mates that were cheap and available. 

  Needless to say the acting quality is not high, but considering the story and dialogue are downright ropey I wouldn't blame anybody for half-assing it. 

  One of many problems this film has is that it's deeply stupid - it's about a mad Nazi creating a Frankenstein shark FFS - but there are ways of making stupid films fun.  Asylum have made a lucrative career out of dumb films where the viewer is in on the joke. The Sharknado franchise is on it's 5th instalment and keeps upping the ridiculous ante every time. So Sharkenstein is the sort of idea that makes great, after-pub, ironic viewing in the right hands but unfortunately those hands were busy somewhere else. 
 Or to put it another way, a film about a shark stitched together by Nazis with a Zombie brain manages to be dull. 

 The only amusement to be had is marvelling at the shark FX.

Time to see the Sharkenstein itself. 

 It's a fricking rubber model.  Also extremely un-scary. 

Here it is in action. 

 That's about as good as it gets and believe me the underwater attacks  aren't even that dynamic

At one point it's blatantly obvious that somebody offscreen is holding the shark's tail and woggling it about a bit. 

  Over the last few years the bar for stupid shark films keeps getting higher as producers try and keep things fresh by trotting out one coke-fuelled  concept after another. (Supersharks, shark tornados, sand sharks, ghost sharks, zombie sharks) and Sharkenstein comes nowhere near matching that level of entertainment

It does set one benchmark though. Sharkenstein is easily the most rubbish Shark movie I have ever seen. 


 How much did I pay for this? £2
Was it worth it?  No. No. No.  Sharkenstein has very little going for it and serves only to give me a new l;ow-point to measure other shark Movies against.  Not recommended. 

  I'll finish with a screenshot that seems appropriate. 

That's all folks. 

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