I'm not saying she's nuts but...

Frankly this girl terrifies me.

  I bet if I looked inside her head she would be thinking "Someday soon I shall kill you all."

Blatant plug: AOR Night Drive

If you're looking for AOR/Melodic Rock rarities then you really want to take a look at;

http://aornightdrive.blogspot.co.uk/

Plus they were nice enough to put up a link to my blog. Cheers guys.

Metal Album Covers - Demons and Angels

   I could do a post on the many Conan/Elric/John Carter  clones to be found on the covers of Heavy Metal albums but where's the fun in that?
 So for your entertainment and edification I present another selection of young ladies who are armed and dangerous.
Except this time they've all got wings.

 Seven Kingdoms  (USA 2010)

The blonde hair, armour and glowing hammer suggest a lady on the 

side of goodness, regular bathing and liking puppies. 

 The bat wings and pile of bones suggest ...otherwise.

Mixed messages, much?

The Metal Project: 2011 (Part 2)

 The Metal Project: Every Metal song on Youtube that features "Metal" in the title, gathered in one place for your perusal.

Herewith the second part of our journey through the Metal songs of 2011. Some of it's good, some of it...isn't ...but one man's meat and all that. Enjoy.

Antarion - La Caja De Metal (Colombia)

(Fairly typical Hispanic Trad Metal)

Honour to: antarionmetal

 At Libitum - Heavy Metal Night (Mexico)

(Starts well but then the  vocals come in...)

Honour to: PossessedByMetal

Bestial Hordes - Street Metal F***er (Malaysia)

(Relentless Black/Thrash with a filthy crusting of Punk)

Honour to: wtf666th

Bullet - Heavy Metal Dynamite (Sweden)

(Thankfully not the godawful German outfit from the 80s. 

These guys are raucous acolytes of the Church of AC/DC 

and play the sort of music that makes me wish

 I had a tonne of beer in the house, no neighbours 

and a living room full of strippers.)

Honour to: Seiferalamsy1125

Claustrofobia - Metal Maloka (Brazil)

(Angry, chugging Thrash - Sepultura comparisons inevitable)

Link: metalmaloka

Dexter Ward - Metal Rites (Greece)

(Relentless Old-school stuff. This is why I listen to Metal. Oh yes)

Honour: TheDavidRanogajec

Incidentally somebody managed to do a fan-vid that combines the above song 

with two of my other great loves: Animation and Spitfires

Check it out:

Honour to: Joseczar

Gravehill - Hell Metal Holocaust (USA)

(Equally relentless but in a much harsher way)

Honour to: Jason Corpsemolester

Rampart - Metal Spell (Bulgaria)

(Trad Metal- or to put it another way, there's a definite 80s vibe going on here)

Honour to: hellraze2

 And finally, another of those bands who managed to 

put four or five "Metal" songs on the same CD.

Rocka Rollas - Warriors of Steel And Metal (Sweden)

(Rapid-fire Power/Trad Metal)

Honour to: irontalking

That's all folks. See you soon for the third and final part.

Demon Hunter: The Resurrection (2012)

(AKA: Painted Skin - The Resurrection)

Starring:

Xun Zhou

Kun Chen

Wei Zhao

Min Yang

Shaofeng Feng

   After being imprisoned in ice for 500 years fox-demoness Xiaowei is released by friendly bird-demoness Quer.    

  However, in order to stay free of her frozen tomb Xiaowei needs a human heart and it must be freely given.

  When the demon meets the scarred and lovelorn Princess Jing her passionate heart may be exactly what Xiaowei needs. And since Jing is still desperately in love with her old bodyguard General Huo Xin, the fox-demon has a cunning plan...

To begin with,I had fun trying to track down some details for this, mainly because the original title was "Painted Skin - The Resurrection", it being a sequel to the 2008 fantasy "Painted Skin".

  To be honest "Demon Hunter" is a fairly misleading title. There's practically no demon-hunting to be seen and although the cast does include a demon-hunter, how important he is can be gauged from his utter absence from the DVD cover. He's mainly there for a comic/romantic subplot, albeit one that does pay off at the end. 

  I suspect the distributors were hoping people would see the title and the DVD cover and think "Ah! Chinese Swordfighting fantasy. Could be plenty of action " which is both sneaky and does the film no favours.

 What you actually get is a love-story with some action and supernatural elements and once you've watched it, you realise why "Painted Skin" is a much more appropriate title.

  Having got that out of the way, on to the film itself. 

  I can see it not being to everybody's taste.The action is stylised and balletic, the story relies on people being dumb in the way you only get in romantic dramas and the main bad guy camps it up good and proper.

 I loved it.

 Above all - and this seems to be a common thing with Chinese fantasy/swordfighting films - "Demon Hunter" is a very, very pretty movie. Almost every scene is carefully arranged to look glorious and the computer graphics team in particular come up with several moments that are novel and spectacular.  Another personal highlight was Wei Zhao's many-faceted Princess Jing: by turns emotionally damaged, regal, desperate and fierce. Kun Chen and Xun Zhou are good but the Girl in the Golden Mask ties the film together. 

   If your DVD shelf includes "House Of Flying Daggers", "Hero" and "Curse Of The Golden Flower", you might like this. 

How much did I pay for it? £6

Was it worth it?:Hell yes.

 Time for some screenshots.

Xiaowei breaks free.

 Princess Jing is not happy.

The general meets the fox-demon

The general and the princess have a little chat.

 

I think we can safely assume this is the bad guy

 This makes sense in context.

Spot the character I rather liked.

Jing on a horse

...and a bit peeved.

Trailer here if you're interested:

 

That's all folks.

The Metal Project: 2011 (Part One)

  2011 had it's fair share of ups and downs. Probably the big event of the year occurred at the Sonisphere Festival. Metallica, Anthrax, Megadeth and Slayer - the "Big Four" of Thrash Metal - performed on the same British stage for the first time. In fact members from all four bands even jammed on a cover of Diamondhead's "Am I Evil"
 In other Metallica news,  they continued their dogged adherence to doing things their own way by collaborating with Lou Reed. The general consensus of opinion seems to have been "WTF?"
(And once people actually heard the "Lulu" album, quickly followed by "WTF is this shite?")
  Judas Priest announced their farewell tour which included a headline set at this year's High Voltage Festival. Shortly before the tour opened KK Downing walked out citing personal differences and was replaced by ex-Dirty Deeds man Richie Faulkner.
 (I was at the Wolverhampton show and it was fan-friggin-tastic. Trust me on this.)
  2011 saw the deaths of guitar legend Gary Moore,  Corey Smoot (Guitarist in shock-rock troupe GWAR) and former Motorhead six-stringer Michael "Wurzel" Burston.
 And finally, imprisoned rock fans The West Memphis Three were  released from prison after a long-running campaign aimed at proving their innocence. (More on them  HERE )

 Time for some music.  Since once again I have a plethora of  Metal anthems to choose from, I shall split this post into three segments.

 Aggressive - The Metal Head Case (Colombia)

(Basically a crazy bloke having a rant with a thrash band backing him up)

Honour to: Aggressivethrash

Stormhunter - Knights Of Metal (part 1)

(Part 2 doesn't seem to be on Youtube. Pity as this is fun,  galloping Trad Metal

As a bonus, see how many song-titles you can spot) 

Honour to: ramed14

Satanika - Metal Madness (Italy)

(A crunchier, nastier strain of  Thrash this time)

Honour to: truemassemord

R.U.S.T - Forged In The Fire Of Metal (Cyprus)

(Interesting take on Trad/Power Metal. Promising) 

 

Honour to:RustCyprus

Baphomet's Blood - Metal Hunt  (Italy)

(Brooding intro launches into rapid-fire Thrash.

Vocals and lyrics need a bit of work methinks)

Honour to: BLACKTHRASHERATTACK

Elm Street - Heavy Metal Power (Australia)

(Another of those "Call to arms" Metal songs)

Honour to: Ivans5727

Mortal Kombat  - Post'O Sam Metalac (Serbia)

(Trad metal with some decidedly pissed-off vocals)

Honour to: jocaa666

Rocka Rollas - Heavy Metal Kings (Sweden)

(Heads-down Power Metal without irony)

Honour to: speedriider

Savari - Black Metal Sorcery (Greece)

(The great thing about songs called "Black Metal Whatever" 

is that you have a pretty good idea what to expect. And so it is here.)

Honour to: TheHolyblood1

And finally

Braddock - Metal Up Your Ass! (Spain)

(Further explanation frankly pointless)

Honour to: ramed14

And that's it for now.

See you next time.

Film review: Amsterdam Heavy (2011)

After a trip to Bangkok, JD arrives back in Amsterdam stowed away in a container.  He has no memories - at all - an impressive set of bruises and a set of numbers carved into his arm.  After recruiting nurse-turned-stripper Monique, JD wants to find out who did this to him and why so he's going to keep hitting people until somebody tells him.

Starring:

Rik Sinkeldam 

(Because the producers couldn't afford Jason Statham)

Alison Carroll 

(Because the producers couldn't afford Kate Beckinsale.)

(Or even Rhona Mitra)

Michael Madsen

(Who isn't in it that much but he's the biggest name

 so he's going on the DVD cover, dammit)

Some Dutch people you've never heard of. 

This movie features the following: 

Violence

Boobs

Some bloke getting his fingers cut off and microwaved

Two blokes riding down a busy street on bicycles, blasting away at each other with pistols.

Psycho lesbians

Lots of closeups of a Xylophone.

(Probably quite exciting if you're into Xylophones.)

So why didn't I enjoy this more than I did? 

"Amsterdam Heavy" has occasional flickers of something better but never really gets into gear. Part of that is JD himself. He looks like a badass and has his moments but is essentially too dull to carry the flick. 

On the subject of dull: the fight scenes. There's some legitimate MMA fighters involved so I have to ask why the fights look so half-assed. Poor choreography? Poor camerawork? All the above?  Watch anything Jason Statham's done lately to see how this should be done properly.

  If you're a diehard Michael Madsen fan,  don't bother seeing this. He's in three scenes and does nothing more than rattle off some sub-Tarantino bollocks, possibly while drunk.  I mean, he does it well but deserves much better.

 On the plus side....Alison Carroll looks lovely throughout and ...err... that's about it.

 The bit with the bikes was fun I suppose.

How much did I pay for this: £2.  Was it worth it: Barely.   

Piranhaconda - Half Fish, Half Reptile and Completely Stupid (2011)

Starring;

Michael Madsen playing Michael Madsen

Rachel Hunter (Yes, that one. Rod Stewart's ex.)

Rib Hillis in a vest (That bloke out of Dinocroc)

 Shandi Finnessy in a bikini

Terri Ivens in a bikini top

A slack handful of other young ladies in bikini tops

A bloke in a horrible shirt

Some guys in black shirts

Definitely not starring:

The girl on the DVD cover. I'm sure I'd have noticed.

Helicopter gunships.

Produced :

For Sy-Fy by the same team that did Dinocroc vs Supergator

Which explains a lot. 

   

   A hapless film crew is kidnapped by a gang of ruthless kidnappers but as both sides are about to discover, there is something else in the jungle with them.  Turns out the Polynesian legends about a gigantic, maneating River Monster were 100% true.

Terrible Metal Album Covers - Chapter 10

Once again I open the vaults and drag forth more Things That Should Not Be.
 Artists that can't draw faces. Designers that lost the plot. Graphics teams that thought they were working for some pretentious art-rock poseurs. Bands that paid their mate a few spliffs to draw something "cool" for the cover.
  Please remember that although these covers deserve mockery, sometimes the bands involved are actually very good.

 And now...

Let the madness begin! 

Triarchy - Live to Fight Again (UK 2007)

 There you are, wandering along minding your own business when some 

Samurai nutjob on a badly drawn horse comes and rips your head off.

(I do feel bad about posting this one as Triarchy did one of my favourite NWOBHM songs)

David Isby - The Decisive Duel:Spitfire vs 109

  There are plenty of books about Reginald Mitchell's iconic Spitfire and several about the equally legendary BF109. This is the first I know of that covers the history of both.

  The Spitfire and BF109 will always be remembered for their battles in the summer of 1940 but there is a little more to the tale than that. 

 After a brief history of the companies and people involved, David Isby chronicles the race between the British and Germans to get their new fighter into service, a race which the Germans won.  He then moves onto the repeated clashes between the two: Dunkirk, the Battle Of Britain, the near-suicidal "Ramrod" missions over France, then campaigns in Malta, The Western Desert, Italy, Normandy and finally the last days of the war when Spitfires roamed freely over Germany itself.

  There's even a brief chapter on the Spitfire's career under the Soviet banner.
  "Decisive Duel" also covers the  ongoing attempts by  Supermarine and Messerscmitt to get more and more performance out of their warplanes and ever more aircraft coming out of the factory. A race the Germans eventually lost.

 There's two things I require from a non-fiction book. "Is it interesting?" and  "Does it tell me something I did not know?"  This book manages both.
 David Isby tells an intriguing story that blends together combat, enginering, political manouvering and the odd personal vendetta. As to the "Something I did not know" - plenty of that.
  For instance, I didn't know that Messerschmitt were getting a big chunk of their labour force from the SS.
Yes, that means exactly what you think it does.
  There's also some eye-opening stuff as to how badly the Germans were let down by their aircraft industry and their leaders.

 I woke up one morning and decided that I needed a decent book about Spitfires. With this book I not only got a decent book about Spitfires but a decent book about the BF109 and the fascinating story of how the Luftwaffe was slowly, bloodily, worn down into defeat. 

 It's not cheap and at 575 pages it's not  what you'd call light but "Decisive Duel" is well-worth a read.                                                           

The Metal Project: 2010 (Part 3)

The Metal Project:  Tracking down every Metal song on Youtube with "Metal" in the title and gathering them in one place. Why? Why not?

The final part of our triple feature of metallic mayhem from 2010. Hope you find something you like.

Abigail - War Metal Till Death (Japan)

(We've met these Punk-loving Japanese  nutcases before)

Honour to: sindefeatist

Crimson Fire - Born For Metal (Greece 2010)

(Singalong Power Metal - Vocals are an acquired taste - 

he does a decent job but does take  a bit of getting used to.

Oldschool duelling guitars too - nice)

Honour to: nikossofis

Herald - Metaltron (Estonia)

(Rather catchy Trad Metal. Plus, sung in Estonian 

and how often do you get to hear that happen?)

Honour to: egertum

Immaculate - Thrash Metal Avenger (Sweden)

(There's hints of Maiden, hints of early Anthrax and 

I can't quite work out who the vocalist reminds me of.

 Listen to it and you'll see what I mean)

Honour to: EVILEOFICIAL  

Metal King - Cybermetalheads (Colombia)

(Another one I can't quite pigeonhole. It's sort of Black Metal but with traditional elements.)

Honour to: dretiley 

Omega - Black Metal Rust (Greece)

(Not as harsh as you'd expect. I was pleasantly surprised)

Honour to: DictiusTeNecare666

Rezet - Metal Rite (Germany)

(Some metal has aspirations towards being something more meaningful.

This isn't.

 This is music for people who want to thrash like bastards then wake up 

the next morning in a pool of  spilled beer and vomit.)

Honour to; thrasher123

Skullview - Metalkill The World (USA) 

(Grandiose, Manowar-style chestbeating stuff. I  quite like it

It is 9 minutes long though. You have been warned)

Honour to; EpicHeavyMetal

Verdugo - Commandos De Metal (Chile)

(More punky Black/Thrash and a remarkably tacky album cover)

Honour to: isakarlamonstergreen

and finally

VX - Metal Sin Parar (Spain)

(Thrash - Spanish style)

Honour to: VXrudethrash

That's all folks. See you next time for the metallic offerings of  2011. 

Rock Album Covers and Women With Swords - Part whatever.

Since my numbering system is all to cock, let's not bother.
Moving right along,I haven't done one of these since before Christmas so without further ado, I give you another post filled with armed & underdressed young ladies and semi-snarky captions.

 Avalanch - Malefic Time Apocalypse (Spain 2011)

Some cover artists are justly famous - Derek Riggs, Storm Thorgerson, Pushead...

but is the first metal cover I've ever seen that's got the artist's name on it!

There may be a theme going on here as one of the previous albums

also features a young lady who needs more sunlight. 

Avalanch - Muerte y Vida (Spain 2007)

She really doesn't look happy does she?

I suppose juggling the jobs of Grim Reaper and new mother can't be fun. 

Deaf Dealer - Journey Into Fear (USA 1987)

Fun fact; This lot were originally called Death Dealer but changed their name

 as they didn't want people thinking they were a Death Metal act.

Or taking them seriously, apparently.

I rather like this pic

I can just see her saying "Hold still while I stab you, you scaly twat." 

Here's what they sound like - Pretty good if you ask me.  

Hardraw - Hardraw (Single) (Cyprus 2011)

 A stripped down effort from this Mediterranean mob that suits their  NWOBHM vibe. 

Here's what they sound like.

   

 Skylark - The Princess's Day (Italy 2001)

Our young heroine has managed to get herself totally lost. 

She's just heard something moving closer.

She wonders if it's edible. 

This particular princess is having a crappy day 

and one way or another, somebody is going to pay. 

And finally

Skylark - Divine gates Part III - The Last Gate(2007)

Compare and contrast with the cover above.

Less "underdressed glamour girl", more "Pissed off stabby woman"

That's it for now, folks.

See you next time.

The Metal Project: 2010 Part 2

 The Metal Project: Metal Songs with "Metal" in the title, harvested from Youtube and gathered in one convenient location.

 Somewhat later than planned, the second part of the trilogy. Here's hoping you find something to love.

 We shall begin with some Central American Trad.

 Aurea - Centauro De Metal (Mexico) (demo)

Honour to; AUREABAND

Bestial Reviler - Hell's Metal Warfare (Russia)

(Take-no-prisoners Thrash)

Honour to: sindefeatist

Betrayer F.T.M - Infernal Metal (Colombia)

(More thrash - a bit more refined.) 

Honour to; elconocido1994

Conquest - Metal Wings (Ukraine)

(Germanic style crunchy Power Metal with some well-deployed keys.

 Not sure about the singer though)

Honour to: korsair2009

Hell Darkness - Elite Forces Of Metal (Israel)

Further proof that Metal is genuinely worldwide.

Raucous Black/Thrash

 Honour to: infernalmolester

Malignant Tumour - Metal Artillery (Czech. Rep.)

Punky Thrash with growly vocals.

 If Lemmy sang Death Metal style, Motorhead might sound like a bit like this.

Honour to: grajndpsihopat 

Reviolence - The Metal Church (Brazil)

(Singer struggles a bit, truth be told. 
Gets much more interesting when the pace picks up and the guitarists hit the distortion switch) 

Honour to; thrash4uman

And finally...

If you were to define "Metal" then loud guitars would be first on the list, right?

Nobody told these guys.

Van Canto - To  Sing A  Metal Song (Germany)

(Considering there isn't a single guitar on this song it's actually pretty cool.)

Honour to; IceBioshock
 

Third and final part at some point in the next few days. As ever, this post would not be possible without somebody tracking these down and putting them on Youtube in the first place. I am standing on the shoulders of giants...
 See you next time.  

Seven Magnificent Gladiators (1983)

STARRING:

Lou Ferrigno in a short kilt

Brad Harris in a short kilt

Dan Vadis in leather underpants

Sybil Danning in a  leather swimsuit

Carla Ferrigno in a proper dress (spoilsport)

Several other blokes in short kilts

A few blokes in furs

At least two women who really needed to shave their armpits before filming started.

And an old blind, bird in a mad hat.

 For years bandit chieftain Nicerote has been plundering the small village of Clusium and it's got to the point where they can't take anymore. Since Nicerote is (somehow) immortal, the villagers need to find  a true hero who can wield the mystical Sword of Achilles. The lovely Pandora takes the sword to Rome in hopes of finding the man worthy to wield it. (The test for which, by the way, is "Hold this. Oh, it fried your hand? Too bad."

  Pandora arrives in Rome just as barbarian charioteer Han defeats former Imperial fave Scipio in a race. He gets offered the job of Imperial charioteer, provided he kills his defeated rival. Since he's the hero, he says no and Han and Scipio ride off together as new best mates.  After they save Pandora from beggars - and she saves them from a pissed off Emperor - Han and Scipio agree to help the villagers and begin putting together a team. This includes a couple of other ex-gladiators whose names escape me, Scipio's business partner - the highly mercenary Julia,  a burly farmer they picked up along the way and some young wannabe that wouldn't take the hint and piss off. 

  The next time Nicerote comes a-calling he's going to be facing more than frightened women and children.

Womens Wrestling Comics - Futaba-Kun Change!

(The cover to the US Edition)

  Shimeru Futaba is not having an easy life.  As if High School wasn't difficult enough, he now has an unfortunate habit of turning into a girl every time he gets stressed or excited. 

 Since his school includes a (male) teacher who's developed a special interest, a crazy masked girl who keeps showing up to cause chaos and a gym teacher who uses machine-guns to get people's attention, Futaba gets stressed a lot.

 At this point you're probably thinking "Ranma clone" and you would be (mostly) right.  Hiroshi Aro's 8 volume series does have a certain amount to offer though: "Futaba-kun Change" mostly eschews complicated love-tangles and martial arts wackiness in favour of slapstick and our hero's attempts to cope with his new life. It is very,very silly but Futaba (in either form)  and romantic interest Misaki are rather more likeable than the cocky Ranma and his stable of psychotic Tsunderes. 

 As we shall see, the artwork isn't bad either. 

  In Volume 4 the Konishiki sisters show up to avenge their brother's defeat in an earlier chapter. Neither Futaba nor Misaki actually had anything to do with that but since they are both on the wrestling team they somehow end up challenged to a tag-team match.

Karin and Anzu. Very strong and very skilled. Luckily, they are also very stupid.  

Misaki arrives for the match in her swimsuit and then wonders why there are so many spectators. 

Anzu unleashes her devastating kick attack.

This causes Misaki to have a wardrobe malfunction so she hurriedly tags Futaba in. Did I mention that Futaba transforms when he gets excited?  Having the girl of his dreams fall out of her suit would probably count as "Exciting"  While he's struggling not to change,  he's not paying attention to his opponents and the inevitable happens.

 Things are not looking good for our babyfaces at the moment. Misaki is still trying to fix her suit and Futaba has just been launched out of the ring and through a classroom window. 

 But all is not lost as a new challenger appears.

 

Girl-version Futaba is here to save the day.

And enquiring minds want to know how she got changed so fast.

   Taking advantage of the Konishiki girls' confusion, Futaba-chan quickly takes control.

 Futaba-chan punishes Anzu 

 Then puts a hurting on Karin. Well you wouldn't want her to feel left out.

 Remember that Futaba is really a boy in a girl's body. 

In a minute he's going to realise that his face is level with Karin's boobs 

and get a wee bit distracted.  

Which leads to:

Luckily the Konishiki girls have an Achilles heel which leads to their downfall.

If you want to read the whole thing online, you can find it here; 

http://mangafox.me/manga/futaba_kun_change/v04/c002/1.html

I'd recommend checking out the rest of the series as well. It's endearingly daft and does have more to offer than fanservice and silliness. 

I'll finish with one last pic of Futaba in girl-form.

 And one of these days I'll finally get round to posting some more Lucha-Doll Mai. That's it for now folks. See you in a day or so.