Film Review: Monster From Bikini Beach (2008)

Genre: Creature Feature. 

While a corrupt cop tries to track down a massive haul, a strange creature is devouring women in bikinis.  But will either of these things interfere with the big Go-Go-Dancing Contest? 

Film review: PMS Cop.

Genre: MenstruationPloitation. 

  After using excessive force on a perp, a policewoman with anger issues is recruited for a revolutionary new drug that hopes to ease the emotional toll of PMS once and for all. 

  Things go wrong. Badly wrong. 

Going by the title I was expecting something over the top in a Troma/Asylum sort of way and the opening moments where heroine Mary chases down and batters a marauding clown were fun. The events that cause Mary to snap are also neatly handled.

But once Mary is snatched by evil Pharmaceutical company BFD things go off the rails a bit.  The problem I had is that after Mary transforms into "PMS Cop" the whole thing is played straight, and unfortunately  it's way too flat. She escapes, kills a buncha people and the BFD high-ups watch and argue. 

  The titular PMS Cop, with her cap, mirror shades and scowl, is a striking,  bloodspattered figure who's basically The Terminator in short shorts so it would have been nice if she was in a better film.  As it is, there's very little tension and the direction robs her killing spree of any excitement. 

Nice idea; execution fatally flawed

Not recommended 

Heavy Metal Cover Girls...Invite You In

A while back I did an HMCG post where the theme was "women holding out their hand to offer something."

There was more of them than you'd expect.

Anyway, I sorta promised that I'd do a second post looking at a slight variation of the theme and here it is.

What I'm looking at today is cover Girls who are holding out their hand in offering but this time, what they're asking is this "Take my hand. Come with me. Maybe I'll take you to paradise. Maybe I'll eat your spleen."

 Edge Of Paradise - Immortal Waltz (USA 2015)

 I know there are people who might jump at the chance of ballroom dancing for eternity but I'm not one of them. So I'm just gonna go, OK?

Manticora - The Black Circus pt 1. Letters (Denmark 2006) 

Is that clown in the doorway? Oh hell no. I don't care if this is just a regular circus and not a Ray-Bradbury-creepy-fucking-nightmare-hellshow. Still not going in.

SkyLark - Divine Gates Pt V Chapter 1. (Italy 2013)

 Probably the least sinister cover on this page. 

I like to think she's inviting a weary traveller to a picnic with squash and nice sandwiches. 

Mactätus- The Complex Bewitchment (Norway 2000)

..And we're back to scary ladies again. 

Especially those eyebrows.

Helltown - Lead To Hell (Brazil 2006)

The very definition of mixed messages. 

One the one hand, sexy blonde metal chick who has a phobia of bras..

On the other hand, every single other thing on this cover..

Graveshadow -Ambition's Price (USA 2018)

"Knife? What knife? 

You mean this knife?

I'm ...making a Goulash. 

Wanna try some.

Just step in range..shit---I mean closer."

That's all folks. 

Film Review: Three Headed Monster (1988)

Genre: Chinese Fantasy

Picture courtesy of Rarelust.com

  A group of mutant monks are hunting the elusive Thousand Year Ginseng King - basically a giant, walking, talking Ginseng root  - and in the process accidentally create a Nazi Zombie.  When the zombie bites a young boy's mother, he must travel far, far away to the land of the Three Headed Demon King and rescue the Ginseng King because otherwise his mother is going to become either dead or a zombie and neither of these are good. 

 When I woke up this morning I wasn't expecting to have any use for the phrase "Nazi Zombie" and truth be told  I didn't know a Magic Ginseng Man might even be a thing.  Yet here we are: both of them in the same film. 

 Three Headed Giant is creatively bonkers in a good way.   This was made long before the concept of deliberately bad movies took ironic hold so the writers genuinely thought that a Nazi Zombie was the perfect addition to an otherwise traditional Chinese fantasy movie. 

 I suspect this was a family movie - sort of a Neverending Story for good Confucian children. The juvenile protagonist, the frequent references to filial worthiness and the decidedly low-budget SFX all point in that direction.  The production team used a lot of paper-mache and foam rubber to create the sets and the monsters and then glued whatever was left over to the bad guys faces. Sophisticated it isn't.

Bu then you have the scene where a Nazi Zombie goes on the rampage and you also have the lovely Cynthia Khan showing off her kung-fu and her pins in a leopardskin minidress so I wonder if the kiddies were asking awkward questions after that. 

If you like your old-school low-budget Asian fantasy, or you just want to see if the 3-headed monster looks as cool as he does on the poster (spoiler: no he doesn't) then you might want to give this a go.

Personally I thought it was very daft but also very entertaining.  Not what I was expecting to do today but life is better when you have a few surprises. 

Screenshot time.

 This makes sense in context. Honest.

So does this. 

 Cynthia Khan is a proper martial arts star so I think she did this film as a favour. 

"Have yer spear back, you putty-faced wankers."

 Ooohh! Right in the ding-ding. 

No wonder the other guy is wincing too. 

That's all folks. 

The Eurovision Metal Contest 2018 Heat 3

This is the somewhat delayed third and final part of this year's Eurovision Metal Contest.  Enjoy. 

Iron Slaught - High Grade Metal (2014)

Honour to: Head Gang

Insulters - Metal Still Means Danger (2016)

Honour to: Insulters official

Hungry Wolf - Metal Bitch (2015)

Honour to: Shinjuku Mad

Axewielder-Metalhorned Stallions (2017)

Honour to: Thor Korr

And that's it for another year.

See ya soon. 

The Eurovision Metal Contest 2018: Heat 2

The proper Eurovision was last night and as usual had more than its fair share of oddness, naffness and downright peculiar voting.  I refuse to believe that anybody voted for Israel's song because they liked it. I also hope the wanker that interrupted the UK's performance got a good slap from the security bods.

Anyway, let's get on with the Metal version shall we?  I'm going to try and mix up the genres a little.
Hope you find something to like.

Ahola - Still Metal (2014)

Honour to: Ahola Official

Sorcerer - Heavy Metal Riders (2004)

Honour to: Marian9131

Guilty As Charged - Metal Holocaust (2009)

Honour to: Guilty As Charged

Time for some Eurovision style oddness. (Although under the bizarre outfits is quite a decent band.) 

Gli Atroci - I Dieci Metallamenti (2004)

Honour to: hbuie

Darkest Oath- Black Metal Cult (2013)

Honour to: 666necrochrist

Please let me know if you liked any of these and don't forget to visit and support the channels I linked above. 

See you soon for Heat 3.

That's All Folks. 

The Eurovision Metal Contest 2018: Heat 1

It's that time of year again. Once again the united nations of Europe send their best  some musicians to wage sonic battle on their behalf.  I feel no shame in admitting that I am a devout viewer, marvelling at the  whole cheesy, blatantly fucking rigged against the UK  spectacle. However Metal is rarely in evidence.

So every year I take it upon myself to redress this balance by doing a special Eurovision  edition of The Metal Project.

 Here are the rules.

 1. Every song must contain the word "Metal" 

2. Every band should be Metal or at  least  Hard Rock.

 3. Every song should be by a European act (although the host country doesn't have to be in the proper Eurovision this year.) 

4. Every song should be from the last decade (or thereabouts. )

5. Every song must be one that has never been on The Metal Project before

 Without further ado, let's get started.  Enjoy.

Mortician - Shout For Heavy Metal (2014)

Honour to: Mortician Austria

Brothers Of Metal - We Believe in Metal (2017)

 Honour to: Triskelion

Rock Goddess - We're All Metal  (2017)

 Honour to: She Rox, all female bands

13lackHan - Black Metal Planet (2017)

Honour to: Blackhan LCF 13DR

Schtack - Pirate Metal (2013)

Honour to: Schtack TV

That's All Folks.
See you soon for Heat 2. 

The Metal Project: Metal Time

Evening all. 

A Metal Project update is well overdue so how about you and i take a stroll through Youtube and see what we can find?  I'm just going to grab a few songs at random so let me know if you like them, loathe them or love them.   Enjoy. 

흑염소 (Huqueymsaw) - Black Bastards Speed Metal (S. Korea 2015)

Honour to: Jhoon Shim

Thunder Steel - Metal Time (Brazil 2009)

Honour to: Fred Keyster

Immortadell - Grezz Metal (Italy 2006)

(Pisstake of Venom's Black metal. It still counts, right?)

Honour to: Fratello Ciabbath

Mantak - Satan's Metal Holocaust (Malaysia 2007)

Honour to: AES

And to finish something from the old days. 

Tempered Steel - Hooked On Heavy Metal  (USA 1988)

Honour to: Classic Metal Samples 

And you will find more classic stuff at:

http://www.metal-samples.com/

Cheapo DVD Review: Rise Of The Gladiators (2017)

"A Templar Knight is forced to fight as a gladiator where challengers from different worlds duel in a quest for a magical sword. Then the Templar learns he is scheduled to fight his master who has become a man of greed and ambition. Now the Templar teams with his adversaries against the master and his disciples."

As always, my first question is "Does the DVD cover bear any resemblance to the actual film?"

Noooo! Not even a tiny little bit! 

  The cover shows a bunch of Roman dudes fighting in a sandy Roman arena in front of a bunch of Romans in broad daylight. The only commonality with the film I watched is that a couple of white blokes used swords and they weren't Romans anyway. 

So with the exception of one throwaway line there aren't any gladiators in this film, rising or otherwise. 

Tell you who is in this film, however. 

Ex-WWE star Rikishi. (Butt-cheeks thankfully hidden away.)

You'd think somebody would have mentioned that on the cover, especially since Rikishi is one of the producers.  Seriously, wouldn't having a big, Polynesian badass or two on the cover make much more of a visual impact? 

 One last gripe about the cover and then I'll get on to the film itself I promise. 

The tagline is "Some Who Enter The Arena Lose Their Lives."  

Really? That's the best you could come up with?  

You managed to make a spectacle about bloody fights to the death sound about as exciting as darts. 

So what's the film about? 

 According to the Discovery channel style voiceover at the start,  once the world was united and the focal point was some sort of super-magic sword.  Then somebody tried to nick it and the lands were divided as punishment.  Every thousand years a tournament is held where warriors and champions from across the world come to a cave/pocket dimension to battle for the sword. 

 One team find themselves short of a fighter so they shanghai a stray Templar Knight en route . When they arrive, not only do they have to deal with a motley collection of  stereotypes but also the slight problem that the current holder of the sword isn't playing by the rules.  

What did I think? 

 Rise Of The Gladiators had the potential to be quite an interesting film. The idea of having a secret fighting tournament isn't remotely unique but with the assembled warriors including Amazonian Indians, African warriors, Polynesians, Vikings and.Arabs this was a great change to see some weapons and martial arts that don't normally get a look in.

 (Have you ever seen footage of Maori demonstrating those terrifying war-clubs and asked yourself. "I wonder how he would fare against a Viking?" I have.) Then there's the huge stakes involved, tensions between the various teams and the hosts, the kidnapped Templar coming to believe in his captor's mission. 

All kinds of building blocks for, if not a great film, then at least an enjoyable one. 

  Sadly however, the whole thing comes across as rushed. Most of the fights are brief, not particularly well-choreographed, barehand fights and not particularly exciting either. Not much here that makes you think "Ok. Now that's cool."

  Having most of the action being shot in a dark room really doesn't help.  

The other stuff isn't handled especially well either. The backstage drama feels sketched-in as a rough framework for the fights and as I've already said, since they don't hold up well, the rest can't make up for it. Some of the acting is weak, the dialogue has some jarring lapses into modern-day language and the director keeps throwing in scenery shots when he can't think of anything better to do. 

In short, Rise Of The Gladiators has some nice ideas but fails to make best use of them. 

How much did I pay for this: £1.
Was it worth it?  Debatable. At best, Rise... can be classed as "watchable if you're in the right mood." 

What a shame. 

That's All Folks.