Hello and welcome back to the second part of a guide
that may, one day, save you from being bitten in half
In part one I explained that the best way to survive a monster rampage is to NOT be around when it happens. But let's assume that thanks to circumstances beyond your control, things have gone south in a bad way: the cloned T. Rex got out, the batteries failed on the controller for the Cyborg Killer Whale, a giant, angry Crab marched out of the sea...whatever.
Bad as all this might be, you still have another problem that could get you killed.
The people around you.
Think about it. People are moronic assholes under normal circumstances. Do you really think that will get better when things get dangerous?
So let's look at some people you don't want to be sharing a monster experience with.
Mr Important
Mr Important is a rich man and very, very busy. He is used to people doing what he tells them and he thinks that shouting loud enough will get the situation resolved. This might work on his workforce or unfortunate hotel clerks but as far as your average theropod is concerned Mr Important is just a Pepperami in a nice suit.
Mr Important may also be the reason the bloody dinosaurs were created in the first place so you just know that Karma has plans for him.
Speaking of Karma...
Mr Dodgy Scientist Guy
All of the people I'm talking about will get you killed but this wanker is the most likely to push you in front of a charging Bigfoot and then take frigging notes. If he didn't create the monster, he sure as hell cares more about it than your welfare. You're part of the experiment, after all.
Mr Dodgy Scientist guy will suggest trying to capture the creature or more worryingly, will utterly fail to warn anybody about the horrible death waiting around the next corner.
The knowledge that our lab-coated headcase will get ripped apart in the second reel might make you feel better - but only if you don't get eaten first.
Mr Dodgy Politician Guy
Mr Dodgy Politician Guy wants what's best for the town. Oh yes he does, most sincerely. Except the town is defined as "the bit which funds his election campaign", which is why Dodgy Politician Guy will turn a blind eye to everything from illegal chemical waste dumping to a sudden rash of people vanishing. Clearly something to do with drugs or foolish kids. What? Somebody found a pile of half-eaten livers? probably unrelated. Best keep it quiet.
Mr Panic.
At first sight Mr Panic looks like any ordinary citizen. Ok, so he's freaked out about the fact that a frigate-sized Crocodile is waddling up the High street but can you really blame him? And unlike the arseholes above, he's not obviously bad news from the the moment you met them.
This is what makes Mr Panic such a menace. Because when he snaps the fallout will be bloody.
Mr Panic is the guy that will take off in the only boat on the island, leaving you all stranded. Mr Panic will crash the bus into a petrol station and now you have a fire to deal with too. Mr Panic will start screaming and give away your hiding place. Mr Panic will be the trigger happy muppet that accidentally shoots somebody in the lungs. Mr Panic is, in short, a catastrophe waiting to happen.
Mr Every Man For Himself.
Unlike Mr Panic, this twat knows exactly what he's doing and truth be told, he will enjoy screwing you all over. Mr Panic might abandon you but Mr Every Man For Himself will run off, lock the door behind him so you're trapped and smilingly give you the finger.
Luckily this particular character will make a point of letting you know that he's an apocalyptic fuckhat early on so you can keep an eye out for him.
I'm not suggesting you push him off a cliff or anything. Wink but if he's going to play the "It's me or you" game then why not make your move first.
Mr Heroic
Mr Heroic is a good guy. Mr Heroic wants to do the right thing. Mr Heroic is going to get you killed.
If anything, he's the most dangerous person on this entire list because Mr Heroic will insist on putting himself in harm's way by, I dunno... marching right into the neighbourhood currently being stamped flat by a frigging kaiju to rescue his ex-girlfriend. EX GIRLFRIEND.
Which is very laudable and all that but if you go with him to keep his dumb, whiteknighting ass safe, then you don't get the happy ending.
You get eaten.
Nah. If he says he's going to go save his princess then you tell him "Good for you. I'm off to somewhere the monster isn't. Tell Jennifer I still think she's a bitch."
That's it for now but next time I'll move on to things you can do for your own protection.
