Cheapo DVD Review: Monster (2008)

Starring:

Sarah Lieving

Erin Sullivan

Produced by: The Asylum

 Two young women arrive in Tokyo to make a documentary but when the city is rocked by tremors and explosions, the amateur film-makers find themselves capturing something earthshattering.

Because this isn't an earthquake...

 If you watched "Cloverfield" and thought "What this film really needs is less monster and more nausea-inducing camera work" then I have the film for you. 

 If you're not mental then go watch something else. Pigeons trying to eat cigarette butts, for instance.

 This is a monster film where you never actually get to see the monster. There's a tentacle pops up over the rooftops a few times, then at the climax you get...some more tentacles. At no point do you ever see what they are attached to.  
 If you're feeling charitable, you might put this down to a desire to heighten the tension. (What is this thing? Why is attacking Tokyo? What the hell does it look like?")
 Personally I reckon the animation team all called in sick on the day they were supposed to do the big reveal.

 There's some smaller "Worm-things" that pop up at various points. Allegedly.  You never get to see those either. The screen either disappears in a blizzard of chaotic pixels or just goes black and when it comes back the characters are talking about the horrible thing that just happened.

  The end result is that you just end up following two worried young women wandering aimlessly around Tokyo and that gets boring real quick.
 Sarah Lieving and Erin Sullivan do their best and I thought they conveyed the confusion and increasing terror of their predicament more than capably. However, it's just  not enough to carry the movie.

 My big gripe is the video quality.

  Christ on a bike, if "Cloverfield" made you travelsick then get the bucket ready for this one.
 Between the ShakyCam and the way it turns into  Potato Quality whenever things are in danger of getting exciting this film is a real struggle to sit through.
Assuming you do manage to sit through the whole thing then your reward is an inconclusive ending that feels like everybody lost interest.
  Did I mention that you never got a good look at the monster? A bit of a failing in a frigging monster movie. 

How much did I pay for this: 75p
Was it worth it: By the time I finished watching, I was annoyed and had a headache. So that would be a "No"

 If you want a found-footage film that's worth watching try this instead:

 And here's the "Monster" trailer. 

 That's all folks. 

Cheapo DVD Review: Almighty Thor (2011)

Starring:

Cody Deal (because he's big and blond)

Patricia Velasquez (in unflattering Yeti Boots)

Kevin Nash (Yes, the NWO guy.) 

Richard Grieco (In a lot of grey makeup.)

Some bald bloke who isn't in it for very long.

At least one young mum who strayed into the shoot by accident.

Too many close ups of a monster-dog's ass. 

I'm just glad the CGI team didn't bother giving the monster-dogs any goolies.

This movie is bad enough already. Giant swinging dog-bollocks would have served no purpose beyond rubbing in how much contempt the producers have for all humanity. 

Produced by our old friends The Asylum. It figures.

  Not to be confused with "Thor" (The Marvel one with Chris Hemsworth) although the makers are clearly hoping a few people will be dumb enough to fall for it. 

The story: The evil Loki launches an attack on Asgard (a blatantly obvious painted backdrop.) with the aid of his terrifying devil-dogs. After easily crushing a handful of extras and an army added in post-production,  his ultimate prize: The Hammer of Invincibility (A styrofoam rock tied to a stick) is almost within his grasp. 

  But wait, who is this limping over the hill? Hurrah! Kevin Nash Odin and his sons have come to save the day. 

Actually no. Thor gets himself knocked out, Odin inadvertently kills his other son - who's name I never did catch - after a treacherous bit of sneaky magic and then gets Loki's sword in his back. Oops.

  With the last of his strength Odin flings the Hammer of Invincibility through the wall between worlds, pissing Loki off no end.

Incidentally, said hammer would be better of being called "The hammer of utter crapness." as all through the film it proves as useful as a kayak down a coal mine.
 So, with the aid of an ex-valkyrie warrior woman, Thor is forced to travel to earth in search of the hammer and I dunno, unlock his inner powers or some cobblers like that.

 There is very little positive that I can say about this film and quite a lot that's probably quite mean

 Let's start with the lead. Chris Hemsworth's Thor is hotheaded and arrogant but at least he has a certain charm.  This version of the Thunder God is just a prat.  A huge chunk of the film runs like this:
Thor - "I want to kill Loki now! Why aren't we killing him yet?"
Valkyrie lass: "Remember how Loki utterly tonked you last time you met? You need more training before you take him on again. "
Thor: "No I don't. Hey! Is that Loki over there? You wait here while I run off and get myself humiliated again."
Valkyrie: "Oh FFS."
And repeat.
 He finally pulls his head out of his arse just in time to make the save but dear gods, waiting for him to stop being a plank is not fun.

 Arriving on Earth might have served as an opportunity for Thor to learn some valuable life lessons except  that due to budgetary concerns, the Earthly sections of the tale are based entirely around a deserted industrial estate. So besides beating up a mugger, Thor's interaction with humans is pretty much nil.
 It also means that two immortal gods of Asgard end up doing battle in a selection of back-alleys and car parks. Less "Ragnarok",  more "Hobo Fight"
 This would not have been such an issue if the fight choreography wasn't so woeful. Me and some mates sometimes had drunken swordfights in the back garden and I reckon we made a better job of it than this.
 Loki's final rampage features a lot of stock footage nicked from other films and some special FX that are not up to usual Asylum standard.  Think about that for a minute.
Yes, that bad.
 I might have been able to live with all the above if "Almighty Thor" had a bit more humour or a bit more in the way of pace. "Nope" on both counts.

On the plus side, erm, Richard Grieco does his best to make Loki menacing and I have admit, the bit where Thor ditches his broadsword in favour of an Uzi made me snigger but otherwise, an almighty waste of my time.
How much did I pay for this? £2.
Was it worth it?  Not even close. I can't even be bothered to pull any screenshots. What does that tell you?

 Trailer here but be warned, it makes the film look a lot better than it really is.

 That's all folks.