Tuesday, 31 May 2016

DVD Review: Deathgasm (2015)

  Teenage metalhead Brodie is a black-wearing outcast in a small New Zealand town and not enjoying the experience.   His Christian uncle hates metal and keeps trying to baptise him in his sleep, while cousin David is a bullying douchebag who has somehow managed to get Medina, the hottest girl in school as his girlfriend. 

  Things start to look up when Brodie meets fellow metalhead and all-round bad-boy Zakk. As well as forming their own band with fellow outcasts Dion and Giles, the two headbangers start doing all kinds of naughty stuff. But when they break into the house of infamous metalhead, occultist and crazy person Rikki Daggers, Brodie ends up in possession of some old sheet music with spooky shit drawn all over it. 

  Naturally they play it.  

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, turning the entire town into demon-possessed zombies and a definite chance of unleashing a Demon King on the earth, for starters. 

  Considering Heavy Metal's long-standing love of the occult, gore and all things family unfriendly, there's a surprising lack of Metal-themed horror films. Besides 80s classic "Trick Or Treat" I can think of only "Hard Rock Zombies" and "Rock n Roll Nightmare" and those two are terrible.  Music's not that great either. 
  Luckily Deathgasm was put together by somebody who knows their metal, which means a thrashy soundtrack, some understanding of why people like this stuff and some metal stereotypes getting an affectionate slap across the back of the head.  
 If you've ever seen the "Call Of the Wintermoon" vid or flipped through a rack of Death Metal CDs thinking "Brutal cover, dude" I think you'll get this movie. 

 It seems to be a trademark of Kiwi horror that they mix up gore by the gallon, graphic bodily harm and humour and I'm pleased to say that Deathgasm keeps up that proud tradition. 
 One particular scene manages to include spilled entrails and some unusual improvised weaponry and the end result is hilarious and wince-inducing at the same time.  

 The story isn't that innovative - it's actually not far off the same plot as "Trick or Treat" and "Hard Rock Zombies" -  but is done reasonably well, if a little simply. There's no real surprises but I didn't mind. 

  I definitely give high marks to the FX team. Between the bloody carnage, the creature makeup and some chilling visuals  Deathgasm delivers as a horror movie. 

  Brodie is a lot more likeable than he should be, Zakk is the kind of sociopathic dick every metalhead has run into at some point and class cutie Medina gets more and more Metal as the film goes on.   

 As a final note the soundtrack is great and features a good mix of metal styles from the likes of Emperor, Skull Fist, Midnight and Elm Street.

To sum up: Deathgasm is an entertaining horror film that you can watch even if you're not a headbanger. But if you are, I reckon you're really going to dig this.

That's all folks. 

Sunday, 22 May 2016

Heavy Metal Cover Girls... A Glimpse Of Stocking.

Although "glimpse" isn't really the right word here. "Good Old Eyeful" would be better description but nobody's written that song yet.

  It's a little strange that in these liberal times, what's basically a long, thin sock held up by straps continues to fascinate so many men. If you want to go off and speak to an evolutionary psychologist about why that is, feel free.  The rest of you pull up a chair an enjoy the show.

 Moses Bandwidth - Emptiness, Loneliness, Sadness (Indonesia 2014)

Heavy metal cover girl stockings
 She likes stocking so much she has them on her arms too. 

I really don't know as much about Indonesian Metal as I should do so this was interesting.
I plan to find some live footage later on 

The Rods - Let The Eat Metal (USA 1984)

album cover woman underwear
An infamously tacky cover from the 1980s  and the least natural pose ever..
Is she having some sort of fit?

As I always say, bad album cover does not mean bad band and the title song is proper fist-in-the-air stuff.

Another great band next.

Bitches Sin- The First Temptation (UK 2004)

NWOBHM album sexy
She seems a wee bit bored if you ask me.

This is a compilation that uses a leftover shot from 1981
I wonder if the girl who posed for this cover even knows about this album? 
Hopefully she didn't find out when one of her kids brought the CD home...

Bitches Sin - Always Ready (single UK 1981)

  I have this single and it's pretty good.

Superfly 69 - Sing It With A Smile (Germany 2001)

Gil elvgren album cover cheesecake
Classic Gil Elvgren pinup stuff. that was quite racy back in the 1950s.
It's fairly obvious that she knows you're checking out her gams.

I'm not sure why she seems to be whistling. Maybe it's her way of saying "Here boy"

The band are more punk than metal but I am quite impressed.


 Alive - Before The Dawn (Moldova? 2013)

Metal cd stockings
Goths never quite get the point of sunbathing. 

I can't find much from this album so here's something from the 2016 album "Shadows of a lost soul"

The Order - 1986 (Switzerland 2012)

sexy Metal album cover
I like this cover and not just because it's a young lady in her pants.
It describes perfectly what a blast a good music session can be.
 I wish I hadn't sold all my vinyl now.

Not surprisingly the band have that 1980s Eurometal sound.

Requinox - Through The Eyes Of The Dead (Norway 2012)

metal album cover stripper fight
Is that ...blood.. on her boot-heel?
Where the fuck does this girl dance? 
I've heard some horror stories about strip clubs but if I'm going to come out with stab wounds I don't think I want to go there. 

The band are gritty hard rock.

I hope you liked today's selection and I hope I introduced you to some cool new bands.
Please don't ask me for album covers with men in stockings.
I know they're probably out there but I'm just not going to post them. Sorry.

 That's all folks. 

Sunday, 15 May 2016

Eurovision Metal Contest 2016: Group III

 Well the Eurovision Song Contest has been and gone for another year and the UK is currently indulging in the post-contest sulk. Personally I thought our entry was pretty good and deserved a lot better than the bottom 3. I also think the Aussies got stitched up good and proper.

 Oh well.  You know I'm going to watch next year anyway. 

Moving on. Here's the third and final batch of songs for you. 

Here's the rules once again. 
1. Every song must include the word "Metal" in the title.
2. Every song is from within the past 15 years.
3. No songs I've already posted before.

Now let's play some Heavy Metal. 


Silent Knight - Power Metal Supreme (2015)

Honour to: UnknownPowerMetal YT


 PsychoParadox - Metalstorm (2002)

Honour to: VranaStena


Vikont - Heavy Metal With Us (2011)

Honour: Andy Andy

I had so many possible contenders for this next country that I ended up picking one at random.

Ad Noctem Funeriis - Satan's March Black Metal (2015)

Honour to: Vor VZakone


Bulldozing Bastard - Motorized Metal (2013)

Honour to: Heavy Metal Sturmtrupp Records


HatriX - Metal Man (2015)

Honour to: Hatrix Official


Sepulchral Voices - Speed Metal Assault (2013)

Honour to: SPVBelgium

And that's all the songs for this year.
If I missed your country it's only because I couldn't find an appropriate song.
I hope you found something you liked  and please see remember to support the bands and channels involved..

That's all folks.  

Friday, 13 May 2016

Eurovision Metal Contest 2016: Group 2

 Hello everybody and welcome to Part 2 of this year's Eurovision Metal Contest. 

Before we proceed, I'm going to quickly run through the rules again.

1. Every song must include the word "Metal" in the title.

2. Every song is from within the past 15 years.

3. No songs I've already posted before.

 Everybody got that? OK, here we go.

United Kingdom

Arkham Witch - For Metal (2014) 

Honour to: The Nazgul


Nekromantheon - Metal Vendetta (2008)

Honour to: AlcoholicMayhem


Fin Bulgaria - The Metal (2013)

Honour to: Petar Petkov


Tyrantz Empire - Derelict Tyrant Metal (2010)

Honour to: lupusniger75


Dexter Ward - These Metal Wings (2016)

Honour to: No Remorse Records

I'll post the last few songs over the weekend but in the meantime, enjoy the real Eurovision on Saturday and I'll see you soon.

That's all folks. 

Wednesday, 11 May 2016

Eurovision Metal Contest 2016 : Group One

 Well, Eurovision has rolled around again and since there's the usual shortage of anything resembling Heavy Metal, I thought I'd redress the balance. It seems to have turned into an annual thing at this point.

 Here's how it works: All the songs must have Metal in the title, it has to be something I've not posted already  and I'm going to try and stick to songs released post 2000.
  Please don't be insulted if I don't post anything from your homeland - I just couldn't find a song that fits my criteria. Maybe next year.

 Since Sweden are hosting Eurovision this year, we'll start with them. 


Gehennah - Because We're A Street Metal Band (2016)

Honour to: FB Metal Groups 2


Dr. X- Hungry For Metal (2013)

Honour to: Dr. X Official


Stonedirt - Under A Melt Metal Sun (2012)

Honour to: Boldiszar Ifju


Alcoholocaust - Alcool & Metal (2008)

Honour to: ThrashMetalPT


Mystery Blue - Metal Dream (2003)

Honour to: MetalHeaven000


Radiation - Total Metal Onslaught (2011)

Honour to: Bryan Thrash


Thunderstone - Dirt Metal (2009)

Honour to: DioHeavyMetal

I'm going to cheat with this last one.
You know how countries sometimes get foreigners to sing for them in the real Eurovision?
(Britain has fielded Americans Katrina & The Waves & Aussie Gina G for example)
Well, this next band are actually Swedish but since they're singing in Slovenian for some reason
I've decided that they're going to represent Slovenia.


Terminal - Heavy Metal Lokomotiva (2014)

Honour to: Thrashwar

See you soon for Group Two.

That's all folks. 

Monday, 9 May 2016

Cheapo DVD Reviews: Wasabi (2001)

  Hubert Fiorentino (Jean Reno) is 6' 4 of badass cop, who gets the job done but tends to punch people in the face more than the Paris police force is comfortable with.
  After hopitalising the wrong person, Hubert is suspended from duty and told to chill out a bit. This does not make Hubert isn't happy since he has zero life outside of policing.

  It's while sitting at home moping that our hero gets a blast from the past. 19 years ago Miko (Yuki Sakai) , the love of his life, abruptly disappeared leaving Hubert devastated.    Now Miko is dead and Hubert is the sole legatee of her will.

  When he arrives in Tokyo he discovers that the main condition of Miko's will is that Hubert take care of her daughter Yumi (Ryoko Hirosue) - an insanely lively 19 year old with a fondness for eyewatering fashion choices and a strong dislike of cops.

Yumi is 19. She doesn't know who her father is. Work it out.

 Now Paris's very own Dirty Harry not only has to play guardian to a manic teenager, he has to find out why the Yakuza are apparently so keen on young Yumi. And at some point he's going to have to tell her who her father is....

  I was headed home with a bag of KFC (Ken's Fried Chicken)  when I decided to nip into a charity shop and pick up a DVD to watch.    Since my tea was growing cold and the middle-aged women browsing for cardigans were beginning to wonder why the shop stank of battered chicken, I was in a bit of a hurry.
 Then I spotted this particular DVD and my mind was made up.

  Jean Reno is one of those actors you can always rely on so I knew that even if "Wasabi" sucked, he'd still be worth watching. I was not disappointed. A character that should come across as a psychotic bully is given extra dimension by Reno's performance as he switches between badass and, bemused at the drop of a hat. During one scene he punches a handcuffed prisoner - then three minutes later a little bit of opening up has got us feeling sympathetic again.

  Co-star Ryoko Hirosue seemingly spends the bulk of the film on a massive sugar-rush, being insanely perky with occasional lapses into bratty. I can see that annoying people who don't watch a lot of anime but personally I liked Yumi and I thought that Hirosue held her own when it came to the more emotional moments. There's some really touching scenes between Hubert and Yumi in this film. I liked that.

   The story is fairly straighforward without many twists but that's Ok. It works just fine.

What doesn't work so well is Hubert's inept sidekick Momo (Michel Muller) who adds little beyond giving Hubert a gofer and some laboured comedy relief. . Luckily it doesn't spoil the movie but I can't see why they needed to make him such a muppet. Maybe it's a Gallic thing

Speaking of comedy, I was honestly not expecting this film to crack me up. My favourite scene has Hubert escorting Yumi on a shopping trip while simultaneously picking off Yakuza. Once again Reno gets to show off how good he is at both comedy and snacking people.

How much did I pay for this: £1
Was It Worth it? An unqualified yes. I enjoyed "Wasabi" a lot.  

Here's the trailer:  

Monday, 2 May 2016

Cheapo DVD Review: Ring Of Steel (1994)

Reviewing the best cheapest DVDs that CEX and Charity Shops have to offer. 

  Champion fencer Alex Freyer (Robert Chapin) seems to have everything going his way.  Not only is he one match away from a guaranteed place on the US Oympic team but he's just met a cute blonde that has a thing for fencers with mullets. 

  But after an unfortunate accident leaves an opponent with a big hole in his face,  Alex is now persona non grata in the fencing world.  

 Luckily a mysterious old guy with a cane offers Alex a job at his exclusive underground swordfighting club. 
 What could possibly go wrong?  

  At one point it seemed like ever film that wasn't about renegade cops was about muscular young men with Hair Metal barnets fighting illegally for the entertainment of rich folk. 
This makes me wonder if producers know something I don't.  Then again, in a world where people paid tramps to batter each other, modern day gladiators aren't so unlikely.

  "Ring Of Steel" is pretty formulaic, to be fair. The story goes exactly the way you expect it to go right down to the "shocking" developments at key points. If you've seen any other movies in this sub-genre, you know what's coming twenty minutes before Alex does. 

  But once "Ring Of Steel" gets up to speed I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed it. 

  The acting is OK for the most part, with veteran Joe Don Baker turning in the best performance as the genial but increasingly sinister Man In Black. You just know he'd be smiling warmly as he slid the knife into your ribs. 
  What definitely gives "Ring of Steel" the edge over the likes of "Gladiator Cop" is the fight scenes. By 1990s standards the swordplay is pretty good and the best fight is a playful homage to the classic Hollywood days of Errol Flynn and Basil Rathbone. Then for the climax the producers pull out all the stops and really ramp up the peril. It works quite well. 
 It would have been nice to see Alex's girlfriend Elena (Darlene Vogel) get a bit more active. Considering she's introduced as a fencer herself, it seems a waste to drop Elena into the role of Damsel in Distress. She does manage to rescue herself however, so that's something. 

Alex and Elena are both easy to like as is Alex's newfound mate and comic relief Brian (Jim Pirri). On the other side, big, burly Jack (Gary Kasper) might as well have "I'm a psycho" tattooed on his face and Tanya (Carol Alt) slinks about being all femme fatale-y and stuff. 
 It's not subtle but if you wanted subtle, maybe you shouldn't have picked up a DVD with a half-naked man holding a sword.

How much did I pay for this?  £1.50. 
Was it worth it: A firm Yes.  
 "Ring Of Steel" might not stray too far from the Modern Day Gladiator template but it does what it does  pretty well and if you like films where 80s rockers fight to the death, you're quite likely to enjoy "Ring Of Steel" 

 Here's the trailer: 

 That's all folks. 

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