Sunday, 31 March 2013

A Fistful Of Comics

The other day I took advantage of an afternoon off to trot up to Southampton and hit Forbidden Planet. I'm not really a serious comic collector these days but every now and again I'll treat myself, usually based entirely on whether the cover looks interesting. I like to think of it as the "Ooh. Shiny" method.
 Anyway, here's what I came back with and what I thought of each one.

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Terrible Metal Album Covers - Chapter 13

Twelve times before I have posted album covers to make your eyes bleed and your souls shrivel. 
Dare you join me for this, the unholy Thirteenth episode?

You were warned.

 Fighter - No Pain No Gain (USA 1983)

Bad heavy metal album cover
 That's just nasty. 
What the hell is with all the big-ass veins?

Tarot - To Live Forever (Finland 1993)

 Dodgy metal album cover

And what the hell is with....everything on this cover?

Abril - Testamento (Mexico 1994)

bad metal album cover skeleton
Possibly this represents the corruption of innocence.
I don't want to think about the alternative.

V/A - The French Connection (1985)

Terrible heavy metal album cover
 Despite tragically having one leg two feet shorter than 
the other,our shirtless Gallic hero scales the top of 
the local slag heap to prove his point.
Sadly, waving a metal flagpole around in a thunderstorm is rarely
a clever idea and the resulting slag-heap fire rages to this day.

The Roxx - To Heaven With Hell (Germany2013)

Bad Heavy metal CD cover demon
When your own cover star is so embarrassed he tries
to slink off then you know somebody got it wrong.

Lancer - S/T (Sweden 2013)

ostrich album cover
I'm looking at an Ostrich with laser beam eyes.
Further commentary redundant. 

And finally a band that probably aren't actually Metal 
but I couldn't resist putting this up.

Landshark - Fear (USA 2003)

awful album cover P40 Warhawks sharks
 On the plus side, they did get the P40 Warhawks right
It's the rest that makes me wince. 

That's all folks.


Sunday, 24 March 2013

The Metal Project: Metal Monks - And Other Wonders

The Metal Project: I find Metal songs with "Metal" in the title and post them here. 

Keeps me out of mischief.

  There's no real theme to today's post except possibly "Stuff I couldn't fit in anywhere else." so this particular mixed bag is very mixed indeed.

This first lot describe themselves as Agricultural Hard Rock - so possibly some sort of amped up Wurzels then. They sing in French so it's hard to tell.

Aggressive Agricultor - Rene Le Roi Du Metal (France 1993)

Honour to: jeparlebienlefrance


This next one can only be described as "Muppet Metal"

Amoebic Dysentery - Mongloid Metal (USA 2003)

 Honour to:  Skelletona

Next birthday that comes up, I'm playing this at them. 

Arrow - Heavy Metal Birthday (Germany 1985)

Honour to: LisaAzulada

(At this point I'd just like to mention that Blogger and Youtube seem to be having some sort of 
spat so I keep having to dive into "HTML mode" to actually embed these. Cheers guys.)
Bet you thought I was kidding about the Metal Monk?
Nope. 
And it's actually not bad
First a short statement of intent

Fratello Metallo -Volete Metallo (Italy 2008)

Honour to: phanthrax

And now:

Fratello Metallo - Amorica Metallo (Italy 2008)

Honour to: FanaticoSodaStereo

Here's a news report about him.

Rock on you cool old Friar, you.

From a man inspired by God to a bunch of metalheads inspired by Nintendo.

Powerglove - Metal Kombat For The Mortal Man (Instrumental)

Honour to: bloodocean07

 

And finally a Canadian band that are just plain...odd

Zimmer's Hole - The Death Of the Resurrection of The Death Of Metal

Honour to: REDRAG666

That's all folks.



Wednesday, 20 March 2013

More Book Cover Amazons.

  Once again I'm moving away from warrior women on album covers to post a selection of sword-swinging pinups from cheap fantasy books. Features boobs so possibly NSFW.

woman swinging axe
  Setting something of a trend, notice how the artist is focusing on the girl up front?
Notice also how her feet are sliding out from under her and she's about to fall over.

Sunday, 17 March 2013

10 Things I Learned From Anime

1. It makes perfect sense to entrust a sophisticated military project to emotionally damaged, hormonal teenagers.  For extra effectiveness, try to ensure they’ve never practised with the weapons system.
 Or even seen it before.
2. Fighting spirit will overcome superior numbers, combat experience, more advanced technology and the inconsequential matter of the other guy being a foot taller and built like Hulk Hogan.  Keep getting back up. Every time he punches you in the face it wears him out just a little more.
3. Pint-sized, teenage girl v army of heavily armed commandos?… bet on the girl every time. Every single schoolgirl in Japan could kick Buffy’s ass and steal her dinner money.
4. No matter how puny you are or how much life keeps kicking you in the face, there is a beautiful girl out there who will love you for who you are.
5. Once one girl decides you are worth bothering with, you will suddenly find yourself surrounded by  hotties. Sadly quite a few of them will be utterly nuts.  And by “Quite a few” I mean “Nearly all of them”
6. A girl putting you in hospital every other day means she really likes you.  Or it could mean she genuinely hates your guts. She doesn’t know herself so you stand no bloody chance. Either way, get used to bruises because you‘re never allowed to tell her “Fuck off, you loonie.”
7.  There is always another Martial Arts technique you need to learn.  And you will need it because every time you defeat a bad guy, another one steps forward to start making your life miserable.
8.  It is generally considered polite to let the other person finish their Transformation Sequence before wading into them.  If it’s a magical girl show, you might as well pull out a book. This will take a while.
9. Japanese schools are bloody lethal.  If the local delinquents aren’t battering each other with baseball bats, then  it’s only because the Karate club put them in hospital -  when they weren’t busy fighting the Judo club, the Boxing club, the Chess club and that clique of super powered prefects that even the yakuza are scared of.  Oh and half the schools in Tokyo seem to be built over some sort of Hellmouth.
 That might explain the overabundance of super powered teenage girls. Natural selection. All the rest got eaten.
And finally...
10.  Teachers are enormous pervs. Female teachers especially so.
 Somehow an oversexed 20-something rubbing her boobs in his face will be the boy's fault and he will get hit with a desk.
 And the male teacher trying to get at look at the 15 year old's knickers?  Might end up in hospital but he's never going to get fired.  Because school boards will ignore everything up to and including the school getting blown to tiny bits provided the exam results are good.

 Let me know if there's anything I missed.

Saturday, 16 March 2013

The Metal Project: Metal With Mirth

The Metal Project is what happens when one man with too much time on his hands decides to see exactly how many songs on Youtube have "Metal" in the title.

 For today's post I will be offering you another selection of songs that aren't meant to be taken seriously. Some are Metal bands having fun, others are non-metal bands poking fun. Try and tell the diffference. 

Insidious Torment - Metal Balls (USA 2009)

Honour to: lassewikman

The Channel Surfers - Heaven Metal

Honour to: SkaMusicman777

  Nasty Disaster - We Live For Heavy Metal

Honour to: Victorroland1701

There's no way these guys were going to be left out of this post.

Massacration - Cereal Metal

Honour to: RenJivv
(And how the hell does he hit those notes without doing himself a mischief?)

Metal Shop - Metal Shop

(An early outing for the band that later became Steel Panther)
Honour to: countwitchfinder69

Next up are a band that I think is playing for laughs.
The alternative is frightening.

Sevrance - MetalFire 

Honour to: SevranceHeavyMetal

Some people will tell you that Manowar are already their own best parody.
These Italians would dispute that.

  Nanowar - True Metal of The World 

Honour to: SchwachsinnSchwafler

and lastly

Toehider - But Mostly Metal

(The most metal song ever.

Seriously)

Honour to: VoiceOfApollo

That's all folks.

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

The Ministry of Dong Punching

 One of my problems is that I keep forgetting that I think slightly differently to a lot of people. Or to put it another way, I am terminally weird. Case in point: Today at work.
 In an idle moment I was amusing myself with a game of "What if I became God-emperor Of England." (And please tell me it's not just me that does this) and I got to thinking:

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Terrible Metal Album Covers - Chapter 12

 I apologise in advance for what I am about to do to your eyes, your sanity  and possibly your very soul. For tonight the gates of Crap Album Art Hell are thrown wide and the beasts are loosed among us.
 (That being said crap album art is no guarantee of musical incompetence. Every Metal band in existence has at least one album cover that they are ashamed of.)  

 You know what...I think the theme of this post is going to be "Blokes with swords - but done badly"

Excess Pressure - Of Dreams And Nightmares (Germany 2008)

Awful metal album covers
The orignal artwork was a bit better but sadly the artist chose to work in 
watercolours and some buffoon knocked a glass of water all over it.
That's my theory at any rate.
Here's what they sound like.  Not bad.

Attacker - Battle At Helm's Deep (USA 1985)

Horrible metal album cover barbarian
Worried looking man in his pants battles a lizard/bat/cicada thing.
I've read Lord of the Rings and I don't remember that bit at all. 
Maybe it was in the Silmarillion. 
He really does look like he's bricking himself, doesn't he?

Atlain - Living In The Past - Germany 1984

Warrior metal album cover
So there's this lizardman, minding his own business in his little cellar, when 
this blue bloke with an enormous chopper busts in and starts smashing the place up.
Bloody hooligans. 

Gotham City - The Unknown (Sweden 1984)

Barbarian metal album cover
Golgar the Monochrome vows to hunt down 
the evildoers who nicked his other 
glove and make them pay. 
Pay! These were a custom job, dammit!

Crazy Lazy - Que Viva El Rock! (Mexico  1985)

Abysmal metal album cover
 Spikes...so many spikes...

Hawaii - The Natives Are Restless (USA 1985)

Metal album volcano
Posing On top of a Mountain ...check
Maiden clinging to your leg...Check
Exploding volcano for extra points ...Check.
This cover would be Conan-Approved if not for two things.
1. Mate, you look like an angry Smurf
and 
2. You forgot your sword.
(Or you're holding something else in your hand....)

And finally, proving that the art of the badly-drawn barbarian is alive and well,
I give you...

Dragon - Victoria (Argentina 2012)

barbarian heavy metal
 He seems happy about something.

That's all folks.


Sunday, 10 March 2013

The Metal Project: A Metal Miscellany

The Metal Project: The internet's biggest collection of  Heavy Metal songs with "Metal" in the title. 

   Since I can't think of any kind of theme for the moment, let's just pull out a few things at random and lob them at your face.  Enjoy.


I'll start with a song that just missed getting into the 2012 posts by a whisker.

Brave - Heavy Metal (Brazil 2012)

(Rampaging Power Metal)

Hitman - Metal Sport (USA 1988)

( Worth a listen if you like NWOBHM -tinted US Metal)
Honour to: Daemonja81

 Chapel Grove - Gun Metal Grey Sky (USA 2011) 

(Stoner/grunge with a bit of Sabbath groove )
Honour to: ChapelGroveBand

Maltese Falcon - Metal Rush (Denmark 1984)

(Fast and cheerfully unsubtle - 80s style.)
 Honour to; crgreyf

Vae Victis - Black F***ing Thrash Metal (Germany 2008)

(You don't really need me to tell you what you're going to get, do you?)
Honour to: Mikazukinoyaiba

Icaro - Muerte Al Falso Metal (Argentina 2005)

(Is it just me that thinks the intro bears a  passing 
resemblance to Priest's "The Sentinel"?
The song itself is a decent slice of trad that should get your head nodding)
Honour to: Angel Dorado

Rising - Metal Bird (Sweden 1982)

(Vikings doing NWOBHM - and rather well at that.)
Honour to: dev3n

I was slightly surprised at how many songs share this exact same title.
I suppose I shouldn't be.

Executioner - Metal Up Your Ass (USA 1985)

(Thrash from a band that later morphed into 
Death Metal monsters Obituary)
 Honour to: hassanumer999

Sacred Steel - Metal Reigns Supreme (Germany 1997)

(Vocals take a bit of getting used to but the rest is good, honest headbanging fare.)
Honour to; saviorofthevoid


And lastly, something a bit different, proving that
you can  combine Metal with anything

 Bonehead vs Prince Ov Darkness - Pedal To The Metal (NLD-2008?)

(Speedcore/Gabber challenging Thrash Metal to a fight.)
Honour to: sLy1245

That's all for now folks.
See you next time for more metal mayhem and hopefully a few pleasant surprises.

Saturday, 9 March 2013

The Pigeon

(The following is a true story. Well, mostly true.)

  It was a warm, autumn evening somewhere in the back half of last year. I had sloped off early from work after losing interest and since there was money in my pocket and the day had been unaccountably sunny, I decided to treat myself to a bag of fish and chips.
 Almost as soon as I took my seat on the harbourside the birds arrived, strutting back and forth in front of my seat, hunting for scraps. I ignored them, too busy working my way through my latest paperback while my right hand dipped periodically into the paper beside me and fetched out another greasy morsel.
 And then for some reason I looked round.
 One of the pigeons had, unnoticed, hopped up onto the bench and sidled towards my bag of chips. In fact he now had a clawed foot on the paper itself and was contemplating my chips hungrily.
 For a long moment we stared at each other. Me, somewhat affronted by his impudence. Him, calmly awaiting my next move with studied disinterest.
 I slowly extended my right arm until it was almost, almost, touching him.
And gave the cheeky, feathery sod The Finger.
 He flapped away sullenly and I returned to my meal. But I still see him around sometimes.
Staring at me with his beady little eyes.
 Some birds remember that their ancestors were once lords of the earth.
 We both know this is not over.

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Cheapo DVD Reviews: Sinbad The Persian Prince (2010)

SInbad DVD cover
AKA "The 7 Adventures of Sinbad"
Starring; 
Patrick Muldoon
Sarah Desage
Bo Svenson

According to the DVD case:
"On The Brink of Catastrophe, Destiny Awaits"
 "Stranded on a desert island after a freak storm destroys their ship, a group of travellers find themselves subject to a series of terrifying events that leave them struggling for their lives.  As things spiral out of control, one member of the party, Sinbad, realises he must fulfil a long forgotten pledge and become the deadly warrior his bloodline has destined him to be.
  Battling dragons, ogres and giant sea monsters Sinbad must use all his strength, bravery and cunning to face the seven terrifying challenges set before him. If he succeeds a glorious future awaits. But if he fails the world will be thrown into darkness"


There's an old story about a small boy asking his father "What's a rabbit" and his father telling him "It's a furry animal with big teeth that lives underground." Now every word of that description was perfectly accurate but the end result was sufficiently misleading that the poor little sod spent the next few years nervously eying the garden in case some sort of subterranean Grizzly Bear erupted from the flowerbeds and bit his face off.


 The DVD blurb is an accurate description of the movie but there are a few things they forgot to mention...

Sunday, 3 March 2013

Even More Warrior Women On Metal Albums.

 Time for some more album covers depicting young ladies armed to the teeth.
In all fairness, at least one of these isn't so much "Woman warrior" as "Mass-murdering Nutcase" 
See if you can spot which one.

Anima Sola - Luna De Argel (Spain 2004)

Woman warrior CD cover
 Our young heroine takes a moment away from her busy 
schedule of decapitations to catch a breather
And is currently regretting her decision to come out without a coat.

Friday, 1 March 2013

The Metal Project: 2012 (Part 3)

  The Metal Project: In which I trawl Youtube looking for Metal songs with "Metal" in the title and put them on here.

   There are worse ways to occupy your time. 

  The third and final part of  my look at 2012's musical offerings and also my last year-by-year post for the time being.  While I go and work out how I'm going to select songs from here on in, how about you enjoy some soothing music?

666 Motosierras - Metal Scream (Demo - Mexico)

(Lo-Fi. Very
Or to put it another way: 
 Apparently recorded with the vocalist in another room, if not another building.)
Honour to: aleksandergoat666

BloodBound - Metalheads Unite (Sweden)

(Cheekily planting a flag in Manowar's  anthemic territory.)
 Honour to: afmrecords

Bulldozing Bastard - Metal Avenger (Germany)

(Motorhead/punky type stuff as subtle as a kick in the balls and all the better for it.  )
Honour to:  HeavyMetalSturmtrupp

Crimson Valley - Heavy Metal Knights (Poland)

(Unashamedly old-school)
Honour to:   corgar1972

Demona - Metal Through The Time (Chile)

(Buzzsaw Speed Metal  with several guests from cult 80s bands)

Disaster - Metal Addicion (Chile)

(More full-throttle Chilean Thrash. And why not?)
Honour to: cuerdasdeacero09

Lonewolf -Hellbent For Metal (France)

(Another fast song but a lot more singalong in the chorus)

 Honour to: THEDREAMASTER

Sex Machineguns vs The 冠  (Japan)

(Yet another fast song but with a distinctly Japanese flavour)

Honour to: rapanzel666

Let's slow it down a bit for the next one, shall we?

Slaughtered Priest - Speed Metal Attack (Greece)

(Ok, so that would be a "No" then...)
Honour to: svarteskog666
I found out about this one here:
Worth a look if you're interested in the Greek Metal scene.

And finally...

Zarpa - Esto Es Heavy Metal (Spain)

 Honour to: Jonjpt2

That's it for now, boys and girls.
See all again real soon.

 

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