AKA "The 7 Adventures of Sinbad"
Starring;
Patrick Muldoon
Sarah Desage
Bo Svenson
According to the DVD case:
"On The Brink of Catastrophe, Destiny Awaits"
"Stranded on a desert island after a freak storm destroys their ship, a group of travellers find themselves subject to a series of terrifying events that leave them struggling for their lives. As things spiral out of control, one member of the party, Sinbad, realises he must fulfil a long forgotten pledge and become the deadly warrior his bloodline has destined him to be.
Battling dragons, ogres and giant sea monsters Sinbad must use all his strength, bravery and cunning to face the seven terrifying challenges set before him. If he succeeds a glorious future awaits. But if he fails the world will be thrown into darkness"
There's an old story about a small boy asking his father "What's a rabbit" and his father telling him "It's a furry animal with big teeth that lives underground." Now every word of that description was perfectly accurate but the end result was sufficiently misleading that the poor little sod spent the next few years nervously eying the garden in case some sort of subterranean Grizzly Bear erupted from the flowerbeds and bit his face off.
The DVD blurb is an accurate description of the movie but there are a few things they forgot to mention...
Let me show you a still from the opening scene.
Do you see any AK47s on the DVD cover? In fact, while the DVD back cover is misleading, the front cover is a deliberate and breathtakingly cynical attempt to gull anybody who just saw "Prince Of Persia" and fancied a bit more Near-Eastern derring-do.
This film is also known as "The 7 Adventures Of Sinbad" Here's the DVD cover to it.
Not entirely accurate but not blatantly taking the piss either.
Let's get on to talking about the film, shall we?
"Sinbad" opens with an ominous sight:
Now we've reset our expectations five or six notches lower, we shall continue.
Anyway, this Sinbad is a modern-day shipping mogul who wears nice suits.
He changes into a manly t-shirt and sets off in a dodgy CGI chopper to pay a ransom - or kick some piratical ass.
He awakens on a nice beach and starts looking for any other survivors. Or a beach bar.
At this point they encounter a friendly face: Loa, resident Jungle Queen.
Who has apparently nicked Keira Knightley's old outfit from "King Arthur."
She also shows him some terrible cave grafitti that supposedly indicates that he's The Chosen One.
Because he's not under enough pressure.
And so Sinbad and his merry band begin their quest to get home. In the process they will face poorly CGI'd dragons, a poorly CGI'd demon, a poorly CGI'd Cyclops, buxom cannibals and a gaggle of stranded mercenaries who've lost the plot and gone all "End-times Cult"
Meanwhile, back in the outside world, some very peculiar things are starting to happen with the world's weather...
"Sinbad The Persian Prince" is late-night, cheap-ass, cable-channel fodder all the way but I surprised myself by quite enjoying it. Maybe I was just in a good mood because it's essentially bolted together from equal parts "Mysterious Island", "Lost" "The Odyssey" and even a bit of "The Abyss."
The obvious weak points are the creature FX- never an "Asylum" strong point - and a story that's hoping you won't notice the rampant gaps in logic. However, I did find myself warming to Sinbad and Loa, Bo Svensson crops up as a suitably conniving exec and "Sinbad" manages to keep things sorta-interesting thoughout. Not brilliant but not utterly shite either.
How much did I pay for this: £2
Was it worth it: To my amazement, yes.
How drunk do you have to be to watch it? I was sober at the time but a few beers couldn't hurt.
Am I still a bit peeved about the lying sod that did the DVD cover? Moderately.And now, the all-important screenshots.
Sinbad and the gang contemplate the future. It's not looking good.
Useful tip for those shipwrecked on deserted, monster-ridden islands:
Never investigate strange noises.
Especially if you haven't had much in the way of lines.
It never ends well.
The Cyclops contemplates one of our heroes and wonders where
he can lay his hands on some parsley and balsamic vinegar.
A man, a woman, a large fruit...of such moments are memories made.
The boys meet the Sirens.
"Look into my eyes.....look into my eyes....look into.. hello? They're up here....
Sod it. Deploy HypnoBoobs"
Useful tip for stranded travellers #2:
Strange, underdressed women only want you for your body.
The tastier bits, anyway.
Loa, who's spent her entire adult life suffering from A-Cup Angst,
decides to break out her +1 Staff Of Bitch-Bashing
and get hateful on some bimbos.
Quite a typical scene on a British Saturday Night.
Although the loser isn't normally eaten except in parts of Leeds.
Sinbad and Loa wonder if the day will stop sucking at any point.
Available evidence says "Nope"
Here's the trailer if you're interested:
And here's the bit with the crab.
It's worth seeing.
That's all folks
A-cup angst. I always enjoy your fashion commentary BigD. Mmm...just a minute, isn't that a Nirvana song?
ReplyDeleteThe case of the giant crabs is probably the scariest bit I reckon.
Cheers, ic