Saturday, 1 December 2018

Cheapo DVD Reviews: Vampire Apocalypse (2012)



Back cover Blurb
"Vampire Apocalypse takes the Vampire genre to a new level of intensity and violence. Danika has lost her memory. When Danika turns out to be a vampire in need of fresh blood, and sinks her fangs into Jack's ex- girlfriend Sherry (Jordan Madley), Jack is soon into something very deep and twisted. Tidying up the mess, Jack tries to find a way to satisfy his new girlfriend's needs, that doesn't involve homicide, but alas only blood from a live human will do. At work, Jack's partner Roger (Robert Fitzpatrick) notices changes in his friend, and becomes concerned when his behaviour becomes more and more erratic. With bodies rising from the dead, and corpses piling up in his apartment Jack has arrived at

The Vampire Apocalypse!"

The DVD cover isn't remotely subtle about what it's ripping off. A leather-clad brunette looking out over a rain-soaked cityscape, shiny, shiny butt front and centre.  If you didn't immediately think "Underworld" then you haven't bought a DVD in about 20 years.
   However, the notion that you might be watching a vampire action flick comes to a screeching halt about a minute into the opening credits. The jazzy, Mexican-style music and graphics really don't fit the movie the DVD cover is trying to sell you and it's glaringly obvious that a new title has been pasted in over the top of the original.

 Now here's what the movie cover looked like when it was released in 2008 
 Huh... it's almost like somebody repackaged a film with the cynical intent of  fooling the punters.  

Well it worked because I bought the bloody thing. In my defence I wanted to see whether it really was an Underworld rip-off or not. Which it isn't

 The annoying thing is, I would happily have forked out a few quid to see "Bitten" and I wouldn't have pent the first half minutes wondering when the Vampire Apocalypse was due to happen. 

As it turns out Vampire Not-Remotely Apocalypse is a quirky story about a young man finding out his new girlfriend is a vampire.  And it's not bad.   
 Jason Mewes does a good job of  playing an unlucky dude trying to deal with the strangeness, Erica Cox could easily have phoned it in and let the fan service do the job  (Seriously, she's fully dressed in only two scenes and the rest of the time she's wearing her pants.) ...but manages to make Danica complex, seamlessly evolving from distressed damsel to predator and veteran Roger Fitzpatrick has fun as Mewes's crude mentor/best buddy Roger.
 I also enjoyed the way Vampire Apocalypse Bitten gets darker as it goes on.  The humour that's there for earlier scenes drains away as hero Jack tries to rein in Danica's murderous tendencies.  What you initially think is going to be a darkly amusing Boy Meets Girl story turns into a Boy Meets Train Wreck.  

How much did I pay for this: £2.50
Was it worth it: Once I got over the initial disconnect from the film I was expecting, yes.  Bitten has it's slow moments but is overall worth seeing. 

Now can somebody please find the guy that did the DVD cover for this and give him a punch in the dick? 

Tuesday, 27 November 2018

Heavy Metal Cover Girls: Even more warrior women

Just for the hell of it, how about another Heavy Metal Cover Girls post?

(Which, for those currently wondering, is where I post a selection of album covers starring attractive women and comment on each. )

I've decided to revisit an old favourite because...well, it's a favourite and there's been some interesting new covers come my way lately.
Yep. we're doing Women Warriors again.

   Симфония Ветра - Перекрёсток эпох (Ukraine 2018)

(Simfonia Vetra - Crossroads of the Ages)

heavy metal warrior woman
 "This is a good sand castle" she thought sadly "A shame I have to go off to war and leave it to be eaten by the incoming tide."
In darker days to come, she would think of her sand castle often and promise herself that she would return to this beach and rebuild her castle.

Sunday, 11 November 2018

The Metal Project: Thank You For The Metal

metal songs about metal.

Evening all.

It's about time I dropped some more headbanging tunes on you all so here we go. I don't ahve a theme this time round besides the usual (Metal songs with "metal" in the title) so let's just grab some stuff at random and see whether it makes you happy.  Enjoy.

Morningstar- Heavy Metal Heretics (Finland 1999)


Honour to: antechirho


Battery - Power Metal. (Demo: Brazil 1990)




Mythal - Heavy Metal Hymn (Demo: Greece 1998)




Monday Knights - Thank You For The Metal (Demo-USA 2000)


Honour to: MetalobscurE


Thunder Lord - Heavy Metal Rage (Chile 2012)


Honour to: Thunder Lord

Please remember to visit and support the channels listed here.
That's All folks. 



Tuesday, 6 November 2018

Cheapo DVD Review: Barbarian - Rise Of The Warrior (2017)

"Set in a war-torn land where tribal factions live in fear of annihilation, the film tells the story of a deadly warrior leading a destructive war campaign. When he is betrayed by his own and left for dead, he is healed by a mysterious princess and taken in by a hidden tribe that believes he was chosen to wage a final battle."

  With this sort of thing I always seem to start off with a rant about the DVD cover and how misleading it is.   Previous experience has taught me that certain people are more than happy to repackage a film as something it isn't in search of some fast money. 
  In this case, there has been a certain amount of camouflage going on but it's not as blatant as certain other films I could mention. 

  For starters the original title was "The Veil" and right away we're looking at a film that isn't the smack-inna-mouth brawlfest the cover hints at.  
  (There's also the small issue of the three cover stars wielding Viking broadswords which does not happen in the film. )
  
So, what film did we actually get?  

  Well, I would definitely give the producers credit for trying something a bit different. 
 "Barbarian..." is essentially a film about a warrior finding a new path for his life. In the process his arrival causes drastic upheavals in the new society he's joined. There is some fighting at start and finish but the bit in between is slow-moving and trying to be reflective and a bit dreamlike. 
 There's some stuff about the prophecy, lots of shots of the moon for some reason that's presumably important and our hero does some serious brooding. 

 Personally I found it hard to get into. 

I'm not saying this is a bad film exactly, as there's several things I did like. By and large the acting is decent, somebody has taken time and effort to make the camera work effective and I was particularly impressed by the props department.  Rather than the usual medieval/mud age outfits the design aesthetic incorporates subtle elements of Mayan and Native American into something that does look good. 

Having said all that, the film itself was not easy to become immersed in.  Maybe it's the aforementioned slow-moving narrative. Or the way some aspects seem to have been explained in scenes that got cut. And the ending is ...enigmatic. 

 If you're willing to take a chance you might enjoy "Barbarian/ Veil"  under whatever name you find it.  Or you might struggle as much as I did. 

How much did I pay for this: £1.50
Was it worth it?  Well, it was an interesting viewing experience but I'd hesitate to say I enjoyed this film. Approach with caution.  

Saturday, 6 October 2018

Cheapo DVD Review: Hired to Kill (1990)

Reviewing DVDs from CEX and Charity Shops.

Genre: Man In A Vest Action Movie. 

  A flint-hearted  mercenary is hired to rescue a political prisoner currently held in a small, vaguely-Mediterranean  country in the hopes that this will kickstart a revoloution against the ruling  junta. 
  His cover: a fashion designer premiering the latest collection.  Recruiting a motley collection of  tough - but photogenic - young women from around Europe, Frank Ryan must mould them into an effective team and complete a dangerous mission while at the same time getting some really good photoshoots in. 

  This is one of those action movies that relies on the bad guys being monumentally incompetent.  The climactic rescue would have come to a bloody end in about 5 minutes if the local bullyboys understood anything about mounting a proper defence perimeter. Or staying awake. 
 They really are bloody useless.

There's a couple of other niggles.

Niggle the first being "hero" Frank Ryan. he's almost impossible to like as he remains cynical, cold-hearted and massively overdosed on Alpha-male machismo throughout the entire picture.  Really, he's like a bitter 14 year old's idea of what a "proper" man ought to be. That makes it even more jarring when an argument with one of his female team suddenly leads to a sex scene. There's absolutely nothing up to that point to explain why these two have any feelings towards each other and my first reaction was that I was about to see the supposed hero rape somebody. 

Earlier in the film Frank snogs bad guy Colonel Bartos (Oliver Reed topping up his whiskey fund.) and that comes across as more passionate and more realistic. 
It makes sense in context and believe me, it's not even the most awkward scene in the film.  

 You also have to wonder why the CIA didn't just send in an all-female team anyway.  Or why they couldn't find half a dozen glamorous killers on their own payroll and use them.
  Sticking with Ryans Angels, they only get a brief sketching in of personality. There's the mute one, the one who had to be blackmailed into going along, the one that has history with Ryan, the bitchy lesbian, the English one, the....other one.  I think it says a lot that they spend more time modelling nice clothes than actually training.  

Having said all that, the end result is a flawed-but-watchable 90s action movie. I found myself getting into it and the big rescue scene is surprisingly tense, and entertaining even if it's a little ridiculous. 

To sum up: Don't expect too much and you might enjoy Hired To Kill. 

How much did I pay for this: 50p
Was it worth it: Taking into account the aforementioned niggles, I was pleasantly surprised. 


Saturday, 29 September 2018

Cheapo DVD Review: The Long Weekend (2005)

Assorted Thoughts From An Unsorted Mind

 Starring:
Him from "American Pie" The one that was knocking off Mena Suvari
That bloke...he was in that thing...You know the one I mean?
Her from How I Met Your Mother. The Canadian one. 
Holy crap is that the bloke from London's Burning?

 Advertising man Ed Waxman (Fehr) is not only recovering from a horrific breakup but his creative spark has vanished and his job on the line.  Naturally his lothario brother  
Cooper (Klein) decides that the cure is to get him laid. 
Hilarity ensues, he says sarcastically.  

I picked this one up as part of an "8 for £5" deal. I'd never heard of it but I thought it might be funny enough to watch while I was eating my tea. 
Bad idea. 
 I began to regret my choice when we got to the scene where Ed finds his missus with a mouthful of his best mate's spunk.  Which she swallows.  Tone well and truly established.

  The idea was to mine the same seam of  near-the-knuckle, gross-out humour that made the "American Pie" and "Harold & Kumar" movies such a hit.  Problem is, none of it is actually funny so we get the gross without the good bits.   Then after an hour or so of Ed getting repeatedly humiliated there's a feel good ending nailed on to wrap things up.

 There's nothing particularly wrong with the performances; Chris Klein does a good job as a shallow, sleazy pickup artist and Brendan Fehr does his best to make us root for poor Ed but it's hard to feel anything much for either character since the writing isn't on their side.  Meanwhile Cobie Smulders is there to look good and be Ed's reward for all his bad times. It feels a bit contrived frankly.
  And I'm fairly certain she gets more dialogue than all the other female characters put together. 

How much did I pay for this?  62.5 pence. 
Was it worth it?  Not really. This film isn't the worst would-be comedy I've ever seen - check my review archive for more details - but I struggled to watch this all the way through. And it put me off my tea so...nope. 

Sunday, 16 September 2018

The Metal Project: Happy Independence Day, Mexico.

metal songs about metal.

Mexican Metal bands

Today Is Mexico's Independence Day so I thought I'd celebrate by posting some (head)bangin' choons from Mexico.  Enjoy. 

Stahl Metal - Metal De Acero (2007)


Honour to: manolin flores


Voltax - Metal Master (2011)


Honour to: Nor kastorena


Beast Light - Metal Dog (2012)


 Honour to: Beast666Light


Aserrador - Hermanos Metal (2010)


Honour to: manolin flores

If you want to check out some of the other Mexicin bands I've posted then have a look here:



That's All Folks. 


Monday, 10 September 2018

Music from the weird part of Youtube: The Most German Song Ever.

       I spend a lot of time on Youtube. 

No. really. 

If I'm not looking for tracks for The Metal Project, watching Cube compilations or
trying to find some genuinely entertaining reaction videos then I'm surfing for new music. 

Sometimes the current washes me up in some very strange places. 

Like this track I'm about to share with you. 
Since I don't understand German I have no idea what he's singing about
 (although bratwurst seem to quite central to the narrative.) and the music video doesn't help.  

But I defy you to listen to this and not get the tune stuck in your head for days afterwards.


If anybody knows what the hell is going on here, or even what genre this is, drop me a line.  

I fancy a Bratwurst in a bread roll now. 

Tuesday, 4 September 2018

The Metal Project: Heavy Metal Invasion:

Most metal playlist ever.

Evening all. 

Ready for some more obscure songs from the 1980s?
Good. Me too. 
Let's get stuck in. 


Severed Head - Heavy Metal (UK 1983)

 Honour to: TCorporation66


S.M.F - Heavy Metal (France 1986)


Honour to: heavymetaller1978


Fantom - Black Metal (Hungary 1988)


Honour to: thrashtilldeath90

Allied Forces - Heavy Metal Invasion (NLD 1987)


Honour to: MSPainkiller13


Sweet Poison - Metal Rocks (USA 1984)


Honour to: metalscavenger78

And that's it for another trip into the vaults.
I hope you enjoyed yourself and I'll see you again soon.

Please remember to visit and support the channels linked above.

That's all folks. 

Monday, 3 September 2018

The Metal Project:Keep It Metal



 Evening all. 

Sorry about the extended break. I've been off doing stuff. 
If it makes you feel any better I didn't enjoy most of it. 

So for those of you who just came in, the point of this project is to find Metal songs on Youtube that have Metal in the title. 
If you want to see the ones I have so far then pop over to this page: Metal Project Songlist
I guarantee you'll find some cool stuff that you didn't know about.

Anyway, back to tonight's post and I'm continuing where the lat post left off with a fistful of obscure songs from the 80s.   Enjoy. 


Spellbound - Heavy Metal (Sweden Demo 1983)




Millennium - Keep It Metal (UK 1986)


Honour to: MetalScavenger78


Metal Axxe - Heavy Metal Thunder (USA 1986)


Honour to: Deadhorse99


Deuce- Metal Paranoia (USA 1984)


Honour to: G.Heathen's Rage

I started with a song called "Heavy Metal" so I think it's pleasingly symmetrical to end with one.

Advice - Heavy Metal (Germany Demo 1985)


Honour to: heavymetaller1978 

That's All Folks. 


Sunday, 19 August 2018

The Metal Project: Bad Boys Of Metal


Evening All. 
  For tonight's post I was feeling nostalgic so decided to dig into the vaults and pull out some songs from a decade that was crucial to the development of Heavy Metal in all it's forms.  The 1970s may have seen the birth of Metal and the post-grunge era saw Metal go off into all sorts of bizarre directions but it's the 1980s that really saw Metal move away from it's early Heavy Rock roots.  Punk and MTV both had a big impact on this kind of music it it's hard to see where we would be without both. 
 Never mind all that. Let's get some songs on and the old-school headbanging started, shall we? 

  DNA - Metal City (Demo. Brazil 1989)



And check out his invaluable blog here: 

http://strappadometalblog.blogspot.com/

Hawaii - Bad Boys Of Metal (USA 1984)

(Featuring a pre-Cacophony, pre-Megadeth Marty Friedman)

Honour to: HAWAIIROXX


Dementia- Metal Detectors (USA 1989)


 Honour to: Wesse Boyman


  Digressing for a minute, I am continually amazed that after doing this for several years I am still turning up all sorts of intresting stuff from way, way back in the 1980s.  It boggles the mind as to how many bands there were slogging away, touring the clubs and putting out material on self-released cassette and vinyl.  It's equally impressive how many people there are dedicated to preserving all this obscure treasure and putting it online.  

Airwolf - Death Metal Rain (Germany 1988) 


Honour to: Wesse Boyman

Assault - Queen of Metal (NLD 1984)


Honour to: MetalScavenger1978

I think That will do for tonight  but stay tuned for more obscure 1980s goodies.

Please visit and support the channels linked above.

That's All Folks. 

Sunday, 12 August 2018

Portsmouth Naval Museum Pt 4

Hello again. 

To finish up my brief look at the Portsmouth Dockyard Naval Museum hee's a few random pictures i took in the actual museum itself. 

  The Naval Museum is spread across two different buildings, both dating from the 18th Century. Naturally the life of Admiral Nelson and the battle of Trafalgar feature heavily in the first part with subsequent  displays devoted to the Navy experience in the 19th Century through to modern times.  It really is impressive and definitely worth a look if you're in the area.. 

I think it probably says a lot about me that I only chose to snap certain things I thought were "cool".   

 Although the artist was clearly a master craftsman, my immediate reaction to this figurehead was "He's wondering how to cover his junk when he's only got a silk scarf to work with."

Figureheads really need to make a comeback.  

Meanwhile this saucy miss doesn't seem at all bothered by her wardrobe malfunction. 

Snarking aside, the carving and expressions on both of these are delightful.
It's like somebody looked at the Classical statues in the British Museum and thought "I can do that...but much less formal."

Over in the other building I was fascinated by this:


The guide says this is the gun that fired the first Royal Navy shot in WW1 when the destroyer HMS Lance
ran into the Imperial German minelayer Konigin Louise.  
After a brief scrap Lance and her consort HMS Landrall 
put the German ship down, the first of many ships to find a 
cold, lonely home on the seabed over the next five years. 


That's a sophisticated bit of technology considering that the Navy had been using cast-iron muzzle loaders only 50 years before. 

Note how little protection there is for the crew. 
They were more cold-blooded times, I feel. 

A collection of promotional posters.

Finally I took some pics of another model
This is an aircraft carrier from... somepoint in the 1950s I think. 

 Th selection of aircraft is interesting, being a mix of WW2 designs and more recent turboporops with jets yet to make their appearance. 
At the back you have Fireflies and Gannets, with AEW Skyraiders and Wyverns ranged forward and a couple of choppers standing by. 
The carrier itself - and I have no idea which one she is - is practically unchanged from WW2 with a full suite of AA guns 
and before the RN saved a lot of pilot lives by introducing the angled flight deck, among other innovations. 

The best part is, if you press a button underneath the radar starts rotating. 
I happily spent ten minutes at a time studying all the models they had here, and over at the Jutland exhibition. 
Geek that I am, that's my kind of fun day out.  

Anyway, I'll get back to posting metal and underclad women soon. 
I might even get some film reviews up. 

That's all folks. 

Sunday, 5 August 2018

Portsmouth Naval Museum Pt 3

Evening all.

This is the very much delayed third part of my photo record of a trip to Portsmouth Naval Museum. 

In this part I get to visit another of the Dockyard's attractions I've been hankering after for a long, long time. 

HMS M.33, also known later as HMS Minerva, was built as a Monitor during WW1. This was a new class of warship designed to bombard enemy shore positions from the shallows while being cheap and much more expendable than the valuable battleships and cruisers which were needed elsewhere. While some monitors were built to house spare battleship guns that happened to be lying around  M33 and her sisters were much more modest, housing a brace of 6" guns. After service at Gallipolli and during the British intervention in North Russia in the Civil War she was refitted as a minelayer before being hulked at the start of WW2.

After several years of restoration M33 was finally given a  snazzy coat of paint and a new home in a drydock next to HMS Victory. 

Now we're up to speed, time for some photos. Starting with the RN's newest and coolest ship.


 I have to admit that the Queen Elizabeth looks very striking and has the sort of presence that's rare these days. Currently top of my list of things I want to visit one day.  

Interestingly I have a book from the 1970s which talks about the new carriers which the RN was hoping to get - sadly cancelled - and the design has that same two-island layout.


By contrast with the high tech marvel over the way, the little M33 is very much a no-frills kind of ship.

 

The only thing remotely electronic on this whole ship is the radio

The crew quarters are minimalist as well.

This is where the ordinary matelots lived and slept.
Note that there's stuff all in the way of ventilation.
Now imagine being in this metal box on a scorching hot Turkish night with water in short supply.

This is an officers cabin. 
These days it would be considered unsuitable for a ship's brig.
What you can't really see from these pics is how crudely the whole thing was put together.  
M33 is all bolted plates and sharp corners. A cheap ship, built quickly because it was needed in a hurry. 

Here's the ships galley.
A somewhat restricted diet was on offer, I suspect. 
No wonder the matelots looked forward to their rum tot so much. 

They were a a hardy lot back in them days, weren't they? 

The M33 is well worth a look if you get chance. 
Not only is it the only remaining example of a Monitor and Gallipolli veteran 
but it's a really great example of the sort of small, utilitarian ship that 
served the RN well in both World Wars. 
Stay tuned for part 4. 

Tuesday, 24 July 2018

Portsmouth Naval Museum Pt 2

Hello again. More pictures from my visit to various parts of Portsmouth Dockyard's Naval Museum.

This is the Jutland 1916 exhibition, which was definitely something I wanted to see after everything I've read about the battle. As seems to be common these days, the core of it is an audio-visual presentation  using witness testimony from the battle spread across a series of large screens. It's very well done and is supported by artefacts and models of key ships involved.

 The Jutland Battle Honour plaque. 

There was a really good collection of models, all handmade and nice & big.
I will happily admit to geeking out over them.  



The cruiser HMS Caroline, the only British ship from the battle still in existence. 

I find it a little sad that we couldn't find time, money and space to preserve at least one battleship. 

Back to HMS Caroline and she had one very unusual feature. 
Most of her guns were 4" but there were a brace of 6" guns.
And for some bizarre reason they were mounted on the back. 


Ships' bells from the battlecruisers HMS Tiger and HMS Inflexible.  
British battlecruisers took a beating at Jutland. 3 were lost with almost their entire crews, 
most of whom were dead before they knew what hit them. 

I was impressed by Jutland 1916.
It gives a good overview of the battle and fascinating bits and pieces to look at 
but at the same time, it's made clear that there was a heavy price to pay.   

Or to put it another way, you should always come out of an exhibition like this feeling a little sad.

And that I did. 


Monday, 23 July 2018

Portsmouth Naval Museum. (Pt1)

I've been meaning to visit the naval museum at Portsmouth dockyard for ages and recently I finally got my chance. Sadly I didn't get the opportunity to do all of it but some brisk walking and careful time management gave me a good look around 1. The Jutland exhibition. 2. HMS Minerva and 3. The RN Museum.itself.

Here's some pictures I took plus a video or two. 

It was nice and quiet when I arrived. 

First port of call was to get a few shots of the HMS Warrior

I don't think that white tent thing is original...
Doesn't detract from what a handsome ship she is. 

This is an..RAF launch?..belonging to the boat restoration workshop on the other side of this pier.

The day was glorious which made the sea an uncharacteristically pretty shade of blue.

  
I rather like this shot. Warrior on one side, the Spinnaker Tower on the other, an old anchor in the middle.
No idea what that smudge is in the centre.  Either the spirits are trying to get my attention or I've scratched my camera lens. 

While I was there I decided to snap some local wildlife.

 This seagull looks like a right grumpy sod, doesn't he? 
There's a look in his eyes and a tilt to his beak giving off a strong aura of "Sod you."

More tomorrow. 


Monday, 16 July 2018

Heavy Metal Cover Girls...On The Road

In case you're wondering what this is all about, on HMCG  I post covers from Metal/Rock albums. The basic idea is to show how different bands and different artists can visit roughly the same theme in different ways, depending on what mood they want to create.
 Or they just wanted something "Awesome and sexy. dude" on the cover of their album. Whatever.

While I've been doing this I've noticed a few interesting things. The first  is that if one band uses a theme, no matter how niche, so will others. That's why I've been able to do entire posts about Blindfolds, Mermaids, Women with Scythes and so on.  More on that in a minute.

 The other is that you can tell a fair bit about the band depending on what their cover girl is doing.  A woman in a ballgown weeping in a fountain just doesn't suit a hair metal band ...although a close up of a woman's thong-wearing butt is a different matter entirely.

  For today's post, the theme is "Girls waiting by the roadside." Or in the middle of the road. Or in close proximity to a road. "Roads" basically.
  It took a while but eventually I ended up with enough covers that used this theme to make a post happen.
What's really interesting is that you have some covers that are very close to each other in idea and execution but the artist still put a different spin on each one.

 I like to think that album covers are a snapshot from an ongoing story.  So what stories are being told here?

 King Company - One For The Road (Finland 2016)

 A country gal with a most alarming bra heading off to make her fortune in the big city. 
She packed so light, she didn't even take a shirt with her. 

Friday, 13 July 2018

The Girl In Blue

I found this rather lovely piece of wall art on Southsea's Osborne Road, decorating the front of the defunct casino. There's a haunting quality to it, I feel, which is in stark contrast to the surreal and playful artwork either side of it.

I hope it stays up for a long time.  I also hope the artist doesn't mind me sharing his work with the wide world.
  You can maybe get a sense of the scale here. 
This would make a perfect movie poster - some sort of dark thriller maybe? 

 As I swung through the Southsea town centre I spotted something else I found interesting.   


Somebody clearly thought this was important enough that they not only spray painted it on a  window but used contrasting colours.  
Now can somebody please tell me what the hell it's all about? 
Why is the onion not in London?
Where is the onion and why is it so important? 
The answer will remain a mystery forevermore. 

That's all folks

Monday, 9 July 2018

Can This Heatwave Just Sod Off Already?

I know there's lots of people enjoying the UK's highly unusual, long spell of dry, sunny weather.

I'm not one of them.  

I'll admit that it was fun at first. After the snow,  the wind and rain, and the grey, drab, soul-witheringly bleak skies of Britain's winter, the sunshine was a blessed relief. 

That was a month and a half ago. Now I'm sat here sweltering and this isn't fun any more. 

Let me take a moment to list all the positives.

1. The sky is a nice shade of blue.
2. When I hang out my laundry it dries really quickly.
That's it. 

"But what about all the wonderful things you could be doing in the sunshine. " I hear some aggravating little twonk say. " What about sitting in the garden with a pint? What about going to the beach? What about going for a walk in the fresh air. Enjoy the summer!"

To which my reply would be "I think you've mistaken me for somebody else. Do I look like I  enjoy being out and about in bright sunshine? FFS, I'm so pale the last time I tried to give blood  the nurse offered me a couple of bags of  O Positive because I clearly needed it.  So fuck off."

You know what I do like?  I like walking to work and not arriving with my t-shirt and gusset soaked in sweat.  I like being able to sleep at night because the air in my bedroom  isn't the temperature of toast.  I like looking out of my window and seeing lovely green grass instead of the scorched straw that's out there right now. I like stepping out of doors without feeling like the sun is out to get me.  I really like being able to get on a bus without spending the entire journey soaking in the delightful scent of other people's armpits and sweaty bollocks.

So yeah. I'm not enjoying the hot weather as much as I might be. 

Make it go away.

Until then I'll be drinking a pint of water every hour and wondering how I can shave off every single hair on my body.

That's all folks. 

Sunday, 1 July 2018

The Metal Project: Happy Canada Day

Metal songs about metal


Evening all. 

 I've just found out that today is Canada Day so I thought "Why not share some Canadian music with you all. "

That's why today's edition of The Metal Project is devoted to bands from the Great White North.  Enjoy. 

Razor - Heavy Metal Attack (Demo 1984)


Honour to: METALRULESORDIE


Mistwalker - True Newfoundland Black Metal  (2015)


Honour to: HeavyNFLD


Punky Brewster (Devin Townshend) - Metal Dilemma (1996)


Honour to:  NihilSubsole


Villainizer - God Of The Sea...Metal Tsunami (2012)





D.O.H - Metal Academy (2009)


 Honour to: D.O.H Music


Riotor - Fucking Metal (Demo 2008)


Honour to: Bruno Terrosa


A big thank you to our Canadian cousins for all the cool music over the years.

Happy Canada Day. 

Bonne Fête Du Canada

Please visit the channels I linked above and give them some love and support.

That's all folks.   

Sunday, 24 June 2018

Film Review: Bigfoot's Wild Weekend (2012)

Genre: Creature Feature

A cub reporter for a sleazy tabloid is sent to the boondocks to get a story on Bigfoot. 
 While Bigfoot lurks about the woods looking for beer and nubile women, dozy rednecks hunt for him and random women provide blatant fanservice. 

  Low-budget films like to establish their tone as early as possible. In this case a brace of nubile women get topless in a river and invite a beer-swigging Bigfoot to join them. Tone established. 

 What we have here is very low budget movie making using the good old fashioned rubber suit method, no name actors - most of whom will consider this the high point of their career before they go back to local supermarket adverts -and a definite indication that the whole thing was filmed over a weekend. 
 
 I can't say I was really that impressed. There's some OK bits but the whole thing never really came together for me. It looked and felt like a bunch of scenes strung together on the flimsiest frame imaginable and wasn't particularly funny, either in its own right or as bad-movie cheesefest. 
I also found it telling that they seem to have put more effort into filming the bikini dance contest scene than...pretty much everything else, including the climax.  Tone confirmed. 

You might like it.  I can't honestly say that I did. 

Wednesday, 6 June 2018

Book Review: Bikini Planet by David Garnett (2000)

Genre: Sci-Fi/ Humour. 


Bikini Planet book review
Las Vegas 1978: Police officer Wayne Norton stumbles into a group of  Mafiosi having a bit of a dispute and is cudgelled acros the back of the head.  

300 Years later: Norton wakes up from a cryogenic sleep to find him,self in a very, very different world. Before he has time to work out what the hell is going on, he's dragooned into the GalacticCop police force and sent on a crucial mission. 
Except nobody seems to want to tell him what the mission is. Or anything at all. That can't be good. 

I liked the title of this book. I liked the cover of this book. However I am sadly unable to say I liked the book itself.  

It starts off decently enough, with Wayne being introduced and then sent for his overlong nap. But once he arrives in the Future it all got a bit too much for me. 
  A lot of the humour relies on rapid-fire, maximum confusion dialogue and that didn't really do anything for me but get me um...confused.   The fact that most of the characters change their names the way most people change socks doesn't help.  There's also the slight problem that most of the characters are a little thin so even the ones we're supposed to care about just sort of wander past without registering. 
 There's nothing wrong with the writing and there are some nice ideas but the execution left me cold. And confused.  

 I suppose I could also take exception to the fact that the titular Bikini planet only shows up right at the end and isn't remotely what you'd expect. 

A book called "Bikini Planet" ought to have been more fun than this. 

Tuesday, 29 May 2018

Film Review: Monster From Bikini Beach (2008)

Genre: Creature Feature. 



While a corrupt cop tries to track down a massive haul, a strange creature is devouring women in bikinis.  But will either of these things interfere with the big Go-Go-Dancing Contest? 
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