Scotland yard hotshot Kim reynolds arrives in Sydney to assist NSW Detectives Gary Chance and Shane Scott in the hunt for the serial killer terrorising Sydney. The remaining team members are relocated to a safe house in Joadja Creek. Unfortunately it doesn't turn out to be that safe!
One by one, in the remote Australian outback, the team members are dismissed by the moustachioed serial Killer with a razor harp cricket glove and an arsenal of sharpened stumps."
Over the last couple of years I've seen a surprising amount of sports-themed horror flicks encompassing Roller Derby (Murderdrome ), Baseball (Deadball ) and Pro Wrestling (Wrestlers vs Zombies). There's even something called Attack Girls Swim Team, vs The Undead which I haven't seen yet - - but really want to.
So a slasher flick based around the world's third most boring sport isn't too much of a stretch.
I was expecting IKHMRYSLS to be a parody though. Look at the title. Look at the description again. And it's Autralian. Doesn't that all scream "Tongue in cheek" to you?
As it turns out, goof title and left-field subject aside, this film is a low-budget slashflick played straight.
I think.
There's a couple of scenes where the makers might have been going for comedy but it's hard to tell.
The bit where a terrified potential victim is carefully tiptoing around the room trying all the doors might have been played for laughs, or it might have been a genuine attempt to create tension. It fails on either account and just comes across as cringeworthy.
I'm sure the finale was taking the piss but again, maybe it was supposed to be a dramatic showdown.
Let me show you a still from the bit I'm talking about.
Frankly I'm stumped.
If this is a comedy, parody or satire, shouldn't there be some actual funny bits in it?
Assuming this is supposed to be serious and attempting to assess "I Know..." as such, you end up with a film that has one novel idea but resorts to a bunch of cliches for the rest of it.
Slasher films tend to run into two varieties: Films where you know who the killer is and films where you have to try and work it out.
This film is firmly in category one, so there's no real drama involved in working out his identity. He just shows up, does something bloody and goes off again.
The methods of execution are, I suppose, novel and the scene with the nail-studded groin guard did make my eyes water but there's not much real shock value from his appearances. As soon as somebody strolls off on their own, you know the mad cricketer is going to show up in a minute or so.
On the subject of which the group of targets in this movie are frankly utter morons. They know they are targets in imminent danger but the stupid buggers will insist on sloping off into the bush at the first chance they get. Even better, the police detail cheerfully lets them get on with it.
By my reckoning, one pillock nips off "to the loo" and about an hour later it still hasn't occurred to anybody to say "Here, do you think he got stuck or something?"
These people are too stupid to live and way too obnoxious to like.
There are the odd moments of something better shining through. The aforementioned codpiece scene is memorable and the initial meeting between Kim Reynolds and local maverick Gary Chance had the potential for better things, as they despise each other on sight and the sparks fly. Sadly that never really goes anywhere. Shame. Might have made things more interesting.
Sticking with positives: By and large the acting isn't bad and the kills are as bloody as you'd ever want. It's not enough, though.
I really ought to mention the closest thing IKHMRYSLS has to a "name" star.
I'm convinced that the biggest part of the budget was spent on bringing in former Miss Nude Australia Arianna Starr to do a shower scene (standing in for actual star Stacey Edmonds) and dear merciful Zeus, do they ever get their money's worth. Said scene goes on and on and on, while camera explores Miss Starr's anatomy in lingering detail. It stops being titillating quite quickly.
You get the longer, uncut, version on the DVD extras, just in case you didn't get enough of Arianna's crotch first time around.
The film was a labour of love for Stacey Edmonds and Doug Turner who wrote, produced, directed, edited and acted in it, so I do feel sort of guilty that I can't be more positive.
How much did this cost me: 75p
Was it worth it? Debatable. There's some okay moments and the premise is genuinely unique but when it comes right down to it, whether the film works as a horror movie hinges on one thing.
Have you ever had nightmares where you were running through a darkened house and this man...
.was always right behind you?
If you are a cricket lover, a fan of Aussie slashfics or an enormous fan of Arianna Starr's enormous...ahem...then you might like this, provided you can get it cheaply. Otherwise I wouldn't bother.
Here's the trailer so you can make up your own mind.
That's all folks.
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