I do these things so you don't have to.

I like to think that I have an enquiring mind. I also have a slightly left-of-normal way of looking at the world. This means that over the years I’ve conducted numerous experiments that, on reflection, were not a good idea.
 Or if you put it another way, every now and again I feel this weird compulsion to do dumb shit.
Let’s have a look at a few shall we?

 (Aged 5, standing beside a river somewhere.)
Question: I wonder if I can catch that fish using my foot as bait?
Result:  I’m a bit vague on events but next thing I knew, I was underwater and desperately trying to develop the ability to swim.
Conclusion: Any idea a 5 year old comes up with while in the presence of large bodies of water is going to be a dumb one.  Also, fish definitely have a sense of humour because while almost-drowning I distinctly remember looking down and seeing the scaly little git laughing his gills off.

(Aged 7)
Question:  Can I make a double-decker sandwich?
Result: Since my chosen ingredients were fried bacon and Golden syrup  the end  product was a sticky, greasy mess.
Conclusion: Dumb idea. But apparently Elvis loved bacon & strawberry jam butties. I have bacon. I have strawberry jam. I may revisit this one.

(Age: Old enough to know better.)
Question:  Can you tenderize a steak by putting it in a carrier bag and banging it against the wall? 
Result: The bag split on the backswing and my tea sailed off into the overgrown mess that was our back garden.
Conclusion:  Poor choice of tools. Also, a steak is surprisingly hard to find in long grass.

(Age: As above)
Question: What happens if you add leftover baked beans to scrambled eggs?
Result: A plate of pink shit on toast and I spent the next day farting like a bison,
Conclusion; Some things should never be  combined. I can also offer definitive proof that you cannot actually fart your own arse off. But dear gods, there were moments when I was worried. 

(Age: 19ish.)
Question: What happens if I have a pint of cider, drink half of it, add a half of Bitter to the glass then drink half of that  then add a half-pint of Guinness… and  repeat for every tap on the bar.
Result: I got so drunk I tried to pick a fight with God Himself, redecorated my bedroom in vomit and woke up the next day praying for the mercy of death.
Conclusion; Clearly I’m allergic to Guinness and I haven’t touched the bloody stuff since.    

(Age: early 30s and just got my own Internets)
Question: What is this goatse thing I keep hearing about?
Result: I googled it. Then I googled it again with the safety filters off. What I saw that day haunts me still.
Conclusion: When the entire internet is telling you to stay clear maybe you should take the hint. 

(Age: Last winter)
Question: There’s about three inches of snow on the ground. Wonder what it feels like to walk through it barefoot?
Result: For the first minute or so it was rather exhilarating and  I was standing there thinklng “Rargh. I am all that is Man!”. After that - not a fun  experience. I particularly loved the part where I started to lose the feeling in my toes
Conclusion: The brief moment where you feel like Conan Of Cimmeria is really not worth the severe discomfort or the ten minutes you will spend  trying to rub the life back into your feet.

That's it for now. See you next time.