Just to avoid any future confusion, this is not the one with a two-headed Bill Nighy, Ewan McGregor, Ian McShane and a proper budget. That would be "Jack The Giant
Slayer"
This is "Jack The Giant Killer" which has none of those.
You know what else it doesn't have? Giants!
Things That Annoyed Me About This Movie #1
If I'm watching a film called "Jack The Giant Killer" I feel it's not unreasonable to expect giants to appear at some point. Instead, once our redheaded hero arrives at the top of the beanstalk, he's casually informed that a previous visitor killed all the giants.
For the sake of fairness I suppose I should point out what the blurb on the back says
"A giant beanstalk brings Jack to a land in the clouds filled with snarling, evil beasts. When the creatures make their way to the ground, Jack must figure out how to get back down before they destroy the earth (sic) and everyone in it."
Creatures yes. No mention of what those creatures might be.
By the way, you never do get to find out what the hell the creatures are called. They're big, mean and look like somebody glued together bits of three separate dinosaurs then got carried away with the eyes.
I think we can all agree that while you could describe these...Triocularankylocertatopsauruses ...as giant. they are not the giants associated with the traditional story.
And yes, that is a landrover in the bottom right hand corner. Which leads me to...
Things That Annoyed Me About This Movie #2
I can admire The Asylum for taking a chance and shifting Jack The Giant Killer out of medieval times and it's also nice that they resisted the urge to reset the movie in California but it does leave me with one burning question.
When the frig is this thing set?
Going by the clothes and the vehicles, I'd say 1960s but then the Army arrive.
At which point every single Brit watching the film went "Bloody hell!. Dad's Army!" because that gear is pure WW2. Which leads me to:
Things That Annoyed Me About This Movie #3
You have big monsters running around a city - unspecified but probably Northern -
and the force the United Kingdom musters for its defence is this:
An upper class twit stereotype and not enough men to fill a Transit Van.
I know the Asylum are famous for their low budgets and no doubt shipping a crew over to Blighty ate into that but this was the best they could manage for the crucial action scenes?
Wouldn't a couple of tanks have been useful right about now?
A machine gun, even?
The Home Guard army does have one of these.
A railgun that's obviously part of somebody's trainset.
Plastic cows just out of shot.
Speaking of shoddy armourers
Things That Annoyed Me About This Movie #4
Something was bugging me about our plucky squaddies and it wasn't until I got a good close up that I realised why.
That's a Russian Kalashnikov. The guy next to him is using a 1940s Thompson.
Oi, Asylum!
You didn't even try to get the guns right, did you?
You just didn't try, full stop.
Things That Annoyed Me About This Movie #5
Even by Asylum standards, this film is just sloppy and half-hearted. The annoying part is that there are some nice ideas.
A major plot point is that our hero is looking for his dad so when he arrives up top, guess who he runs into?
"Hang on" you can hear the youngster thinking. "There's no way you're old enough to be my dad. WTF?"
except this is set in 1960whatever so it wouldn't have been "WTF?". More like "What the bloody hell?"
There's a neat explanation about that: time moves a lot faster in the land of the clouds. But once mentioned, everybody hurriedly forgets about it, because that would have made timing tricky for the rest of the film.
Then there's the flying castle.
Which comes in handy when our gang need to get back down to earth in one piece.
But I did think this was an idea that could have been saved for a better movie.
I mentioned that there weren't any giants left.
There is a witch. though.
Serena. Played by Jane March who is mainly famous for getting her kit off in several films back in the 1990s. I'm assuming she lives locally. Or, given Asylum casting policy, that Kim Wilde was too busy.
Serena wants to take her beasties back to earth and do some high-quality venting on everybody and everything. Sounds like a decent plot.
Problem is, Serena comes across as being way too pleasant to actually want to destroy the earth and may just be in need of a bit of company and affection. Certainly, once the monsters run amok, she switches sides quickly enough.
Actually Jane March is, believe it or not, one of the better things in this movie. Give the gal credit for trying.
"OK Jane. Get up on this rocking horse and pretend to be riding a dinosaur."
"I was once in a film with Bruce Willis. How is this my life?"
The other big name is Ben Cross. (Chariots of Fire) who may not have Jane's cheekbones but does get to pull this face:
Most of the rest of the cast are also trying their best but are badly let down by some of the bit-players, who would be considered hammy in a Sunderland amateur panto.
And the props department who thought nobody would notice.
And the special effects department who...work for the Asylum so I suppose you have to cut them some slack.
All of these people are supposed to be looking at the same thing.
But most of all, the writers, who couldn't be arsed.
Still don't believe me?
At the climax of the film, Jack brings out what he's been toying with in his shed.
A mech suit.
Hang on...when was this film set again? That's a bit advanced, isn't it?
But it does mean we have the prospect of a mech vs dinosaur fight and that's going to be awesome right?
Remember what movie you're watching.
The climax is half-assed and over in about three frigging minutes.
Which sums up this film in a nutshell.
Jack The Giant Killer is a quick, shoddy, half-hearted cash in that fails to deliver the small amount that it promises.
How much did I pay for this? 75p.
Was it worth it? I can't say that it was. Unless you are a diehard Jane March fan (or have a peculiar desire to see what Ben Cross is doing these days), avoid.
Since I have a couple of Serena screenshots left over, here you go.
If all else fails, she could get a job with Scottish Widows.
No trailer this time. I resent the effort it would take to find it.
That's all folks.
