How To Survive A Monster Movie (part one)

 Hello and welcome to a brief, yet hopefully, informative guide on something that's become a major issue in recent years.

 So picture the scene: You have somehow managed to stray into a Monster Movie (or a Kaiju flick, or a Creature Feature or even a Shark film.)  Since being eaten sucks, you want to stay alive and preferably retain all the body parts you currently have.

Well, I can help you there. Here's some useful tips. 

 The best way to survive a Creature rampage is: Don't be there when it happens. 

Ideally you want to avoid doing anything to set the oversized, toothy bastard off in the first place.

So here's some Do's and Don'ts   

  Don't go anywhere the natives are scared of. If it has "Dragon", "Monster", "Forbidden" "Death" or "Giant Snakes" in the name then go shoot your student film somewhere else. 

  Don't fuck with any giant eggs you find.  Mommy will be mad. You don't want to meet Mommy when she's mad. 

  Don't break into any research facilities, even if they are supposed to be abandoned.  Whatever Youtube traffic you may get is not worth getting bitten in half by a genetically mutated Alligator.

...and on that note:  

  Don't try to create a "perfect weapon" by fucking around with something that's already a terrifying predator. Sharks are bad enough. The world does not need sharks with human intelligence. 

No, you won't be able to control it.

Don't try to bring back the dinosaurs.  Think of all the reasons why Sharks are bad news then times that by 5 and remember that sharks (usually) are restricted to the seas. Dinosaurs aren't. 

No, you won't be able to control them. 

I mean it.

You WILL NOT be able to control them.

If you find out that one of your research team is trying to cross sharks with polar bears, or is growing an Allosaurus in a jar then DO take them out the back and put an entire magazine  into their heads.

 Then burn the lab and everything in it. Including their lab assistants.  Then seal it in concrete. 

Humanity may never thank you but trust me, you're doing good work.  

Don't hand your nuclear, chemical or biological waste to a firm called "Bubba's Waste Disposal And Pool cleaning." even if they are the cheapest option.  

You might not be able to prevent monster attacks entirely but at least you won't feel guilty about it.  

More tips in our next article. 

Cheapo DVD Review: Sinbad The Fifth Voyage (2014)

 "Sinbad is in love with the Sultan's daughter, Firoozeh, despite the disapproval of her father. When an evil sorcerer, known as the White Deev, kidnaps Firoozeh and holds her hostage in th Black Desert, Sinbad has 40 days and 40 nights to rescue her. 
 Along the way sinbad must abttle an army of mythical creatures, including the legendary Cyclops, to get bck the love of his life. Based on the classic Arabian Night stories, Sinbad The Fifth Voyage is a spectacular fantasy adventure that will enchant and thrill audiences of all ages."

I do like a good Sinbad movie. The romance of ancient Arabia - a dashing, swashbuckling hero with the soul of a poet - fabulous monsters - wicked sorcerers - beautiful exotic women in those Harem girl outfits...all jolly good fun.

Sadly this is not a good Sinbad movie.

It's not for lack of trying. Shalin Sean Solimon not only stars but writes, produces and directs so this is very much his baby.
  (How he feels about his name not even appearing on the front cover is anybody's guess. Especially since Patrick Stewart only gets about a dozen lines, all off-screen in his role as Narrator.)

Anyway Mr Solimon was clearly trying to pay tribute to the classic Sinbad films of yore, eschewing CGI for the classic stop-motion technique of Ray Harryhausen, while at the same time injecting a little romantic back-story.

  It doesn't quite work.

 The story is serviceable enough, as is the acting. But the stop-motion is nowhere near as good as The Master's and would be considered weak for a low-budget Metal video. (The giant crab-thing is ...silly. But not in a good way.) The frequent flashbacks just trip up the narrative. And as for the supposed Big Bad himself...The White Deev manages to be more ridiculous than menacing.

It really is a shame. There's moments when "Sinbad..." hints at greater things but as it is, I found myself watching a film that wasn't stupid enough to be a cheesy guilty pleasure but not really up to the goals it set itself.

How much did I pay for this?  £4.99
Was it worth it: I can't say that it was. Sorry.

And can anybody explain to me why everybody insisted on calling our hero Sanbad?

Time for some screenshots.  

The Sultan looks pleased with his life.

I don't blame him. Jammy get.

The lovely Princess Firoozeh isn't so sure about the next act though.

A mysterious masked magician who sounds like he's got a sort throat...

He's clearly not going to turn out to be a wrong'un, is he?. 

Personally if I were Sultan I'd institute a Standing Order .

To whit "Any magicians who get within a mile of my throne are to be shot on sight."

Sinbad ..sorry Sanbad ... looking heroic and stuff.

"Oh shit. It's a giant Plasticine bird! Run away!"

"This is my scary face! Raargh"

Time for a mega-monster smackdown!

Not as cool as it looks, sadly.

Here's the trailer 

That's all folks. 

Cheapo DVD Reviews: Sinbad The Persian Prince (2010)

AKA "The 7 Adventures of Sinbad"

Starring; 

Patrick Muldoon

Sarah Desage

Bo Svenson

According to the DVD case:

"On The Brink of Catastrophe, Destiny Awaits"

 "Stranded on a desert island after a freak storm destroys their ship, a group of travellers find themselves subject to a series of terrifying events that leave them struggling for their lives.  As things spiral out of control, one member of the party, Sinbad, realises he must fulfil a long forgotten pledge and become the deadly warrior his bloodline has destined him to be.

  Battling dragons, ogres and giant sea monsters Sinbad must use all his strength, bravery and cunning to face the seven terrifying challenges set before him. If he succeeds a glorious future awaits. But if he fails the world will be thrown into darkness"

There's an old story about a small boy asking his father "What's a rabbit" and his father telling him "It's a furry animal with big teeth that lives underground." Now every word of that description was perfectly accurate but the end result was sufficiently misleading that the poor little sod spent the next few years nervously eying the garden in case some sort of subterranean Grizzly Bear erupted from the flowerbeds and bit his face off.

 The DVD blurb is an accurate description of the movie but there are a few things they forgot to mention...