In which a guy old enough to know better talks about...stuff.
Including, but not necessarily limited to: Wrestling, Metal, Anime, Books, Comics, Cartoons, Stuff that pisses me off, AOR and songs with "Metal" in the title.
So we've been looking at some of the times when British boys' war comic Commando decided to add a little supernatural into the mix. Well, for this final post we have two comics which apparently take their inspiration from Vault Of Horror.
Each issue uses a framing device before going into individual stories, all of deal with bad people doing bad things. Interestingly, the miscreants are all on the Allied side.
Suffice it to say, at the end the hammer of judgement comes down hard.
Commando 5693: Nightmare Express (2023)
Four men are detailed to guard a train compartment. Strangely, for such an important the door isn't locked. Temptation quickly proves too much and all four men step inside to find something terrifying.
Two airmen murder a comrade and all seems well until he comes back to fly with them one last time.
A soldier robs the wrong shop.
A shipwrecked sailor is rescued by a lifeboat from a civilian liner. A liner that sank decades ago.
(My personal favourite out of the three0
I am confident that there is no way this would have been published in the 1970s because bloody hell, this is straight out ofone of the darker Twilight Zone episodes.
Like a lot of Commando stories, it ends with the bad guys getting their karmic reward; but in most stories, the villain dies and that's it. Here it looks like that's only the start.
Commando 5795: Strange Frequencies (2024)
Three members of a medical team are sent out into the desert to check on an observation post. They arrive to find a collection of graves and a single dead body. What happened; disease or something worse?
Struggling to get the radio to work, a signal finally comes through from somewhere and for each of the three, the voice on the radio reveals secrets that nobody should even know, sparking visions of a grim end.
Bullying RSM Curtis meets a soldier he tormented one final time.
Nurse Mary Barclay hatches a plan to "acquire" a valuable necklace. Shame she also acquires the curse that goes with it.
Captain Marlowe had a little help to get promoted to an officer. Now he has to face the consequences.
I loved "Strange frequencies" and the way the threads tie together right at the end. The atmosphere is spooky and, I think, easily one of the best Creepy stories Commando ever did.
Like "Nightmare Express" this is a tale of ghastly people running into something unearthly before revealing that everybody is trapped in something darker still.
Interestingly, considering that Commando is a war comic, the war itself is only vaguely in the background.
Anyway, that's enough Commando posts for the time being.
Hello and welcome to another post about British war comic Commando and the times it got all Weird War Tales.
(Probably not that often but when you've racked up nearly 6000 issues, eventually you end up with enough material for a clutch of blog posts)
So far we've covered ghosts, haunted artefacts, tanks with a mind of their own, lethal curses and that time a forest started eating people. (See previous posts for more details)
I was originally going to finish this series off with one last post but had a bit of a think and really, I would be better off splitting things up. Makes it easier to write if nothing else.
Commando 5589: Night of the Gorgons (2022)
1943 A fighter sweep over one of the Dodecanese Islands ends in a nightmare when the Spitfires return to base and one of the pilots has, somehow, turned to stone. His friend decides to join a commando team investigating the island, expecting some sort of Nazi super weapon. What he finds is an awful lot of statues and a mysterious woman...
You will be relieved to hear that yes, there is a mid-air fight between a winged Gorgon and a Spitfire. I think we can all agree that this is awesome.
The rest is also a good read that takes an out-there idea and runs with it. The way the commandos are gradually picked off is pure horror-film territory. The malevolent Melania Mandrapilias is a memorable villainess and makes a nice change from the usual Nazi brutes.
Somebody on the editorial team must have liked her as well because, for what may be the first time ever, a Commando villain made a second appearance.
Commando 5689: Dawn of the Gorgons (published 2023)
A British carrier on the way to participate in the Suez operation runs into - you guessed it, a deserted ship filled with really good statues. Soon commandos start dying horribly as a pissed off Gorgon gets revenge on the world.
What I like about both these stories is that they are set during military campaigns well outside the norm. The ill-fated Dodecanese operation for the first, the Suez crisis in the second.
(Hmm, I wonder if the writers deliberately picked operations that were massive failures. )
Also, commandos vs gorgons is a cool idea that somebody needs to make a film about. Preferably not the Asylum because we all know how that's gonna go.
I think I preferred the artwork for "Night.." but that's a minor quibble. "Dawn..." is a worthy sequel and I wouldn't mind seeing a third installment.
Moving eastward and somewhere much, much colder and we get...
Commando 5729: Baba Yaga (Published 2024)
After a Russian T-34 is destroyed by a King Tiger Ivan, the lone, injured survivor meets a beautiful woman. After some reluctance, she agrees to take him to the cabin in the forest where she lives with her sisters. In exchange for performing 3 tasks, they will heal him and then help him fight the Germans.
Initially alarmed by the cabin having a whole load of skulls on stakes outside, Ivan takes on the tasks, even if he can't quite understand the reasoning. There's also something a little odd about the 3 sisters...
Another interesting issue. It's deliberately set up to follow the structure of old folk tales, especially Russian folklore. The 3 sisters, the 3 tasks, the way it all pays off at the end when our hero uses what he learned. I also think Baba Yaga is aimed at an older readership, who are aware of the old myths about a forest dwelling witch and also why a King Tiger is a big deal.
So to sum up, 3 Commando issues that are worth checking out if you want your war stories with a healthy does of weird shit.
I have maybe one more post to go so see you next time.
This is the third post in this series looking at long-running British comic Commando, and more specifically issues where things get supernatural.
So far we've covered stories where characters deal with something that may or may not be paranormal but is (usually) helpful.
This is about the other side.
Literally.
The characters are Axis pilots and assholes to boot. Since Commando is old-fashioned about such things and has never liked anti-heroes, this is not going to end well.
Commando 1559: Squadron Of Doom (1981)
I am 90% sure I read this one when I was a kid.
The Story: Occupied France 1941ish. Members of an elite Luftwaffe fighter unit decide to jazz up their BF109s with personal markings. A local artist does the work but then gets stiffed on his money. And humiliated. And his pet bird gets killed.
I suspect it's that last one that really pushed him into Vengeance is mine territory. One good cursing later and the Nazi wankers start meeting unfortunate and improbable deaths, each being directly related to the design they chose. The guy with a lightning bolt hits electric pylons, the guy with the hammer design gets a hammer dropped on his head. You get the picture.
The pilots quickly work out what's going on and start freaking out. Or rather, some do, others scoff. It's a bit Final destination, really.
This is a theme Commando used several times, with slight variations, and it does work quite well. The artwork (uncredited) is neat and if you look at the cover the expression on the pilot's face is marvellous. Commando cover artists really need more appreciation.
Commando 3427 : Strike Them Down (1986. Reprinted 2001)
Another Axis squadron gets Voodoo-ed. Don't feel bad for them
The Story: Burma 1944-ish. With the Allies dominating the skies, an elite Zero unit is moved into a hidden airstrip to cause some mayhem. But first, some of them take a break to desecrate a local shrine. The priest warns them that the gods of Air, earth, fire and water will not be happy.
The Japanese promptly use the shrine statues for target practice and swagger off.
You know what's coming next.
The four pilots die horribly but with a definite karmic justice. Serves them right.
If this was written today I wonder if they would make the pilots British instead. I guess that would depend on the writer. Maybe Garth Ennis needs to take a crack at something like this.
Can I remind you all that this is a children's comic. Bloody hell, kids in the 1970s and 80s were bloodthirsty little sods.
Anyway, that's it for now but I still have more Creepy Commando to post. Check back soon.
Welcome to the third installment in this series. I wasn't originally planning on it being a series, even a short one, but I find that what I plan to write and what actually happens don't always match.
What we're currently looking at is the long-running British comic series called "Commando", which is a digest sized title focusing on wartime heroics and tending towards titles such as "Desert of Death" and "March or Die"
But every now and then Commando gets a bit strange.
Today I'm going to bring up another three examples of stories with a supernatural element. A bit like the last lot, an item has a history and some unexpected properties. However this time the object in question is a lot bigger. And can move. And has guns.
Better hope it's on your side.
Commando 2050: The Haunted Tank (1986)
I mean, the title says it all.
The story: "New boy" Sid Raleigh has finally been accepted by the rest of his tanks crew which means they let him in on a big secret: Their particular tank is haunted, most likely by the spirit of a notorious practical joker. Sometimes the tank will stop for no reason. Sometimes it will start for no reason. Funny thing is, it always saves the crew from incoming danger.
Sid is a bit dubious, as you'd expect, but we all know how this goes. Eventually Sid and his mates get dragged into a nefarious Nazi scheme and the ghost has to take decisive action.
An entertaining story that manages to work with the premise without making it too silly.
While a corrupt cop tries to track down a massive haul, a strange creature is devouring women in bikinis. But will either of these things interfere with the big Go-Go-Dancing Contest?
WW2: An experiment to create unstoppable soldiers by combining Frankenstein's monster with sharks is shut down by the SS and the research taken away to North America.
Modern day: People are mysteriously disappearing from the wars around a small American town. Hmm. Wonder what could be causing that...
Naturally the film on the DVD cover isn't the film you actually get. No jets, no bikini babes and nowhere near the budget. Or any budget at all.
"Sharkenstein" is very, very low-budget and this is made painfully apparent within the first couple of scenes.
The producers couldn't afford CGI, or even a plastic U-boat. So instead they pasted in a 2D pic of a sub conning tower and hoped nobody would notice.
Now I could just post a picture of Sharkenstein and that would tell you everything you need to know but I shall get a few more shots in first.
Let's skip ahead to our protagonists and yet more questions.
As far as I can tell, the three holidaymakers dress, talk and behave like youngsters: College-age in fact.
At least one of them is in the right age-range
But she does seem visibly confused as to her companions.
A bit old for college and definitely too old to wear your hat like that unless you're called "Bubba"
Dad, you're drunk. turn your hat round the right way.
Did the producers think we wouldn't notice or, as I suspect, they used some mates that were cheap and available.
Needless to say the acting quality is not high, but considering the story and dialogue are downright ropey I wouldn't blame anybody for half-assing it.
One of many problems this film has is that it's deeply stupid - it's about a mad Nazi creating a Frankenstein shark FFS - but there are ways of making stupid films fun. Asylum have made a lucrative career out of dumb films where the viewer is in on the joke. The Sharknado franchise is on it's 5th instalment and keeps upping the ridiculous ante every time. So Sharkenstein is the sort of idea that makes great, after-pub, ironic viewing in the right hands but unfortunately those hands were busy somewhere else.
Or to put it another way, a film about a shark stitched together by Nazis with a Zombie brain manages to be dull.
The only amusement to be had is marvelling at the shark FX.
Time to see the Sharkenstein itself.
It's a fricking rubber model. Also extremely un-scary.
Here it is in action.
That's about as good as it gets and believe me the underwater attacks aren't even that dynamic
At one point it's blatantly obvious that somebody offscreen is holding the shark's tail and woggling it about a bit.
Over the last few years the bar for stupid shark films keeps getting higher as producers try and keep things fresh by trotting out one coke-fuelled concept after another. (Supersharks, shark tornados, sand sharks, ghost sharks, zombie sharks) and Sharkenstein comes nowhere near matching that level of entertainment
It does set one benchmark though. Sharkenstein is easily the most rubbish Shark movie I have ever seen.
Congratulations.
How much did I pay for this? £2
Was it worth it? No. No. No. Sharkenstein has very little going for it and serves only to give me a new l;ow-point to measure other shark Movies against. Not recommended.
I'll finish with a screenshot that seems appropriate.
"Hide your eggs! A 50 foot Man-eating Easter Bunny is on the loose...
...And the townsfolk don't stand a hop in hell.
As the bloodthirsty, floppy-eared killer leaves a trail of dismembered corpses, the town's only chance of survival rests with a wannabe actress and a crazy dog-catcher.
God help them!"
The cover and the blurb make this film sound much better than it really is. Because - and there is no polite way of saying this, even if I wanted to - this film is terrible.
All you need to know about The Beaster Bunny can be summed up in one screenshot.
This is what BunnyZilla looks like.
Holy crap, this thing looks awful - and the shiteness doesn't end there. I am convinced that the animation team just used an old, motheaten stuffy rabbit on some bits of string.because the bloody thing lurches along like Muffin The Mule. (Or the Team America mannequins if you're not old.)
The lack of budget also extends to the cast, half of whom, pull double duty. I'm fairly certain the same girl was eaten twice.
I think the producers were hoping that the audience would be distracted by the jarring outbreaks of gratuitous nudity and not notice small details like that. Or the fact that there's some terrible, terrible acting on display. Or that they slipped in some aerial scenery shots that bore no resemblance to the actual location. FFS, one of them had a desert in it.
Or maybe they wanted us to notice.
Maybe they were making a deliberate attempt to make an Asylum-style schlocky, snarkbait rich Crap Creature Feature. It's so heard to tell these days.
Personally I just thought it was wank, full stop.
Not recommended, even when very drunk
And since this film has already been re-released once with a different title, expect The Beaster Bunny to show up again two/three Easters down the line with a new name and a new cover that lies to you.
Just avoid anything with a big rabbit on the cover and you should be safe.
Minnesota 1895. A logging camp is the scene of a violent and spectacularly bloody massacre.
Minnesota. The present day. A grumpy Corrections Officer and a kindly therapist take a group of young delinquents into the woods in the hopes that a week spent roughing it in the wilderness will knock them into shape.
We will never know whether that would have worked because some of the youngsters break one of the cardinal rules of Horror Films.
If you find something weird, do not fuck with it.
This enrages one of the local inhabitants and unfortunately for the kids, he's not just a deranged, mutant hilbilly with an axe, he's a giant, deranged, mutant hillbilly with an giant axe.
Turns out the legends of Paul Bunyan were based on reality but missed out the part about him basically being a murderous troll.
And now he's pissed off. Well done campers.
I picked this one up on a whim, largely because of the cover. Interestingly, it's different from the US version in one key respect.
Fair enough. Most Brits would have only the vaguest idea who Paul Bunyan and let's face it "Paul Bunyan" is not the scariest name ever. "The Giant Axeman of Skullface Mountain" - now that's a scary name.
I digress.
When it comes right down to it, Axe Giant is a standard backwoods choppy-chop flick except for the rampaging loonie being the size of a house. The young victims protagonists are the usual motley bunch with a thumbnail of characterisation. The cast do their best with what they have but what they have is a bit on the thin side. By contrast older cast-members Tom Downey (Mean correction officer) and Joe Estevez (Local crazy fart) get to have more fun with their characters and run with it every chance they get.
There's also a definite effort to make big, bad Paul a more rounded, even sympathetic character.
Um....Oooh-kaaaayyy
So the story is simple but effective, the acting is on the right side of decent and there's some good axe-murdering in this film. I am, however going to have to mark Axe Giant down on a couple of things.
While the physical FX for Paul Bunyan aren't bad, some of the CGI and greenscreen is really not good.
Not Asylum movie bad but still weak enough to look jarring.
I also thought the ending was somewhat contrived as it relies on massive outside interference in events. At least they didn't pull the old "Let's lure him to somewhere with lots of explosives" schtick.
How much did I pay for this?£2
Was it worth it? A reserved "Yes". I was kept entertained if not thrilled. This is the sort of movie I buy, watch once then take back to CEX a week later.
Axe Giant is a low budget affair. As long as you're OK with this and aren't expecting anything clever, you might find yourself entertained.
Screenshot time.
Some people consider this sort of thing fun.
Personally I think they're mental but each to their own.
Oh look, it's a creepy old guy.
I bet he will provide useful exposition at some point.
Or public masturbation. Could go either way.
"Now did I leave my keys at that last stop?
And was it this bit of forest where people disappear or the next one over?"
"What's everybody staring at me like that for?"
"Oh. Thanks for warning me you dicks. "
And to finish, I have a question that the film never explained to my satisfaction.
Where the fuck did Paul get his giant-ass axe from?
British Comedy/Slasher Horror starring Andy Serkis, Jennifer Ellison, Reece Shearsmith & Steve O'Donnell
Two brothers arrive at a cottage out in the rural wilds, along with the young woman that's tied up in the boot.
The plan is to hold their unwilling guest for ransom but there are a few snags. Like at least one of the conspirators being a complete moron. Like their victim being a vicious psycho with a big-time gangster for a father.
And most especially, that they picked entirely the wrong part of the countryside to visit.
The Cottage starts off as a comedy caper movie about a bungled kidnapping and if it had stayed that way it would have been a decent enough movie. But about halfway through it suddenly moves into Texas Chainsaw Massacre territory, albeit darkly comic and set in Yorkshire.
Luckily it works, and the cast can be thanked for that as they all turn in a great job. I particularly liked the way Andy Serkis performed as the only sensible man dealing with his useless co-conspirators. Jennifer Ellison was also perfect as the kidnapped Chavette From Hell.
The tone switches easily between bloody slashings and broad humour and even manages to fit in a bit of character development between squabbling brothers David and Peter.
If I had a criticism, it would be that The Cottage maybe takes longer than it needed to for setting things up. That's probably just me.
How much did I pay for this: £1.50
Was it worth it? Very much so. If you liked Severance then you may well want to keep an eye out for The Cottage next time you hit CEX.
Teenage metalhead Brodie is a black-wearing outcast in a small New Zealand town and not enjoying the experience. His Christian uncle hates metal and keeps trying to baptise him in his sleep, while cousin David is a bullying douchebag who has somehow managed to get Medina, the hottest girl in school as his girlfriend.
Things start to look up when Brodie meets fellow metalhead and all-round bad-boy Zakk. As well as forming their own band with fellow outcasts Dion and Giles, the two headbangers start doing all kinds of naughty stuff. But when they break into the house of infamous metalhead, occultist and crazy person Rikki Daggers, Brodie ends up in possession of some old sheet music with spooky shit drawn all over it.
Naturally they play it.
What could possibly go wrong?
Well, turning the entire town into demon-possessed zombies and a definite chance of unleashing a Demon King on the earth, for starters.
Considering Heavy Metal's long-standing love of the occult, gore and all things family unfriendly, there's a surprising lack of Metal-themed horror films. Besides 80s classic "Trick Or Treat" I can think of only "Hard Rock Zombies" and "Rock n Roll Nightmare" and those two are terrible. Music's not that great either.
Luckily Deathgasm was put together by somebody who knows their metal, which means a thrashy soundtrack, some understanding of why people like this stuff and some metal stereotypes getting an affectionate slap across the back of the head.
If you've ever seen the "Call Of the Wintermoon" vid or flipped through a rack of Death Metal CDs thinking "Brutal cover, dude" I think you'll get this movie.
It seems to be a trademark of Kiwi horror that they mix up gore by the gallon, graphic bodily harm and humour and I'm pleased to say that Deathgasm keeps up that proud tradition.
One particular scene manages to include spilled entrails and some unusual improvised weaponry and the end result is hilarious and wince-inducing at the same time.
The story isn't that innovative - it's actually not far off the same plot as "Trick or Treat" and "Hard Rock Zombies" - but is done reasonably well, if a little simply. There's no real surprises but I didn't mind.
I definitely give high marks to the FX team. Between the bloody carnage, the creature makeup and some chilling visuals Deathgasm delivers as a horror movie.
Brodie is a lot more likeable than he should be, Zakk is the kind of sociopathic dick every metalhead has run into at some point and class cutie Medina gets more and more Metal as the film goes on.
As a final note the soundtrack is great and features a good mix of metal styles from the likes of Emperor, Skull Fist, Midnight and Elm Street.
To sum up: Deathgasm is an entertaining horror film that you can watch even if you're not a headbanger. But if you are, I reckon you're really going to dig this.
" In a heady Australian summer, a young cricketer is hospitalised by his bullying team mates. Twenty years later he returns to wreak his bloody revenge. Scotland yard hotshot Kim reynolds arrives in Sydney to assist NSW Detectives Gary Chance and Shane Scott in the hunt for the serial killer terrorising Sydney. The remaining team members are relocated to a safe house in Joadja Creek. Unfortunately it doesn't turn out to be that safe! One by one, in the remote Australian outback, the team members are dismissed by the moustachioed serial Killer with a razor harp cricket glove and an arsenal of sharpened stumps."
Over the last couple of years I've seen a surprising amount of sports-themed horror flicks encompassing Roller Derby (Murderdrome ), Baseball (Deadball ) and Pro Wrestling (Wrestlers vs Zombies). There's even something called Attack Girls Swim Team, vs The Undead which I haven't seen yet - - but really want to.
So a slasher flick based around the world's third most boring sport isn't too much of a stretch.
I was expecting IKHMRYSLS to be a parody though. Look at the title. Look at the description again. And it's Autralian. Doesn't that all scream "Tongue in cheek" to you?
As it turns out, goof title and left-field subject aside, this film is a low-budget slashflick played straight.
I think.
There's a couple of scenes where the makers might have been going for comedy but it's hard to tell.
The bit where a terrified potential victim is carefully tiptoing around the room trying all the doors might have been played for laughs, or it might have been a genuine attempt to create tension. It fails on either account and just comes across as cringeworthy.
I'm sure the finale was taking the piss but again, maybe it was supposed to be a dramatic showdown.
Let me show you a still from the bit I'm talking about.
Frankly I'm stumped.
If this is a comedy, parody or satire, shouldn't there be some actual funny bits in it?
Assuming this is supposed to be serious and attempting to assess "I Know..." as such, you end up with a film that has one novel idea but resorts to a bunch of cliches for the rest of it.
Slasher films tend to run into two varieties: Films where you know who the killer is and films where you have to try and work it out.
This film is firmly in category one, so there's no real drama involved in working out his identity. He just shows up, does something bloody and goes off again.
The methods of execution are, I suppose, novel and the scene with the nail-studded groin guard did make my eyes water but there's not much real shock value from his appearances. As soon as somebody strolls off on their own, you know the mad cricketer is going to show up in a minute or so.
On the subject of which the group of targets in this movie are frankly utter morons. They know they are targets in imminent danger but the stupid buggers will insist on sloping off into the bush at the first chance they get. Even better, the police detail cheerfully lets them get on with it.
By my reckoning, one pillock nips off "to the loo" and about an hour later it still hasn't occurred to anybody to say "Here, do you think he got stuck or something?"
These people are too stupid to live and way too obnoxious to like.
There are the odd moments of something better shining through. The aforementioned codpiece scene is memorable and the initial meeting between Kim Reynolds and local maverick Gary Chance had the potential for better things, as they despise each other on sight and the sparks fly. Sadly that never really goes anywhere. Shame. Might have made things more interesting.
Sticking with positives: By and large the acting isn't bad and the kills are as bloody as you'd ever want. It's not enough, though.
I really ought to mention the closest thing IKHMRYSLS has to a "name" star.
I'm convinced that the biggest part of the budget was spent on bringing in former Miss Nude Australia Arianna Starr to do a shower scene (standing in for actual star Stacey Edmonds) and dear merciful Zeus, do they ever get their money's worth. Said scene goes on and on and on, while camera explores Miss Starr's anatomy in lingering detail. It stops being titillating quite quickly.
You get the longer, uncut, version on the DVD extras, just in case you didn't get enough of Arianna's crotch first time around.
The film was a labour of love for Stacey Edmonds and Doug Turner who wrote, produced, directed, edited and acted in it, so I do feel sort of guilty that I can't be more positive.
How much did this cost me: 75p
Was it worth it? Debatable. There's some okay moments and the premise is genuinely unique but when it comes right down to it, whether the film works as a horror movie hinges on one thing.
Have you ever had nightmares where you were running through a darkened house and this man...
.was always right behind you?
If you are a cricket lover, a fan of Aussie slashfics or an enormous fan of Arianna Starr's enormous...ahem...then you might like this, provided you can get it cheaply. Otherwise I wouldn't bother.
Here's the trailer so you can make up your own mind.
"Dameon, a young slacker geek, begins having nightmare - flashes from the life of a samurai and a sword that could raise the dead. When undead ninjas start attacking his friends, he discovers that the samurai was his ancestor, the sword is real, and he is the only one who cane save the world from a Ninja Zombie Apocalypse. Featuring a hilarious performance by Lloyd Kaufman ("Toxic Avenger" & Troma President)"
Ninja Zombies should have been fun.
It describes itself as "Shaun Of The Dead Meets Buffy The Vampire Slayer" and while I thought that was probably aiming a bit too high, I was still expecting an hour or so's entertainment.
Even if Ninja Zombies failed as a NinZomCom, I might still get an "Alien vs Ninja" style parade of cheese and quality stupid.
Wrong on both counts. Ninja zombies isn't a fun ride, nor is it an entertaining trainwreck - more like getting stuck outside Milton Keynes for 3 hours because of a signal failure.
The basic idea is decent, but the execution is sadly lacking. One of the perils of 21st Century DVD buying is that anybody with a working knowledge of graphics can whip up a decent cover. Making a film requires a little more, sadly.
More money would have been a good start. Ninja Zombies is so low-budget it's painful and comes across like somebody got his mates together to make a film one weekend.
There's the other big problem. The acting is strictly "Youtube short" standard and not enough to carry a full film. I do feel bad saying that because somewhere out there is a group of people who put a lot of effort into this but at the end of the day, I really struggled with the film and that's not how it's supposed to work.
There's a few hints at what could have been - some of the lines are reasonably witty but not witty enough.
As for the cameo by Lloyd Kaufman, he was trying to make up for everybody else's flat delivery by hamming it up like Jim Carrey on speed so that goes about as well as you'd expect.
How much did I pay for this: £1
Was it worth it? No. Ninja Zombies is not even close to living up to the promise of the title. Fact is, this film is dull. Avoid.
But then it gets really odd. After an hour or so of boredom, the credits feature a music video that is actually kinda entertaining. Check it out.
"Deep in the Amazon jungle a group of scientists qre on a dangerous mission . When their guide suddenly abandons them they find themselves in a savage and hsotile environment. However, things turn deadly when they find they are in the middle of a hunting ground or a pack of prehsitoric predators long thought extinct. These dinosaurs have been living undisturbed for millions of years, but now the prehistoric predators have new human prey to hunt."
I have a couple of theories about DVD covers.
1. The lead actress will have her boobs scaled up by at least 50%.
2. Any dinosaur on a DVD cover will be scaled up by about 300% percent.
You'll have to take my word for it on #1 but I promise you that the beasties in "Extinction" are significantly smaller than the artist makes them out to be.
Now my customary cover art rant is out of the way, on to the movie instead.
I bought "Extinction" confidently expecting a CGI Cheesefest so when I discovered I was watching yet another "Found footage" movie, I wasn't exactly overjoyed.
I'm not a big fan of found footage flicks. Call me picky but I don't enjoy watching bickering characters jump at sudden noises from offscreen and all the god bits being filmed in motion-sickness inducing ShakyCam.
When it comes right down to it, how much you enjoy this film depends entirely on how long you are willing to wait before somebody gets eaten by a dinosaur. Well over half of the screen time is devoted to our mismatched party trekking into the jungle.
There's a few "What's that noise" moments but yep, you get to know the guys and gals quite well.
You have a couple of veteran wilderness experts, a couple of local guides, a couple of scientists and a two person film crew to do the much-needed videoing of anything and everything. There's a certain amount of friction involved, especially where camera guy Rob is concerned.
He's a bit of a prat, basically.
This does mean that when the dinos finally show up, the viewer has got some investment in the characters.
That helps a lot.
I now know these people. I'm (sort of) rooting for them and it's a pleasant surprise seeing how they react to new developments. Without giving too much away, some do exactly what you expect. Others very definitely don't.
It also helps that the acting is pretty decent all round. Oscar-winning? Probably not - but more than good enough to convey the sense of terror and confusion required.
Something else I rather liked is that if you watch carefully, you can spot little throwaway moments that add just a little extra to the story.
The dinosaurs are surprisingly good. Not "Jurassic park" good, but they look believable and you can't see the joins, so to speak.
On the subject of Jurassic Park, one bit pays homage to one of the more iconic scenes. I won't spoil that for you either.
To sum up: A long build up leads to a satisfying payoff. Possibly said build-up could have been trimmed down without hurting the movie but that's just my view.
I enjoyed it. You might too, just so long as you're not prone to motion sickness.
(The one who plays Jay in all Kevin Smith's movies)
Frances Rufelle
(Who represented Britain in the Eurovision Song Contest in 1994)
Jessica Jane Clement
(Lads-mag favourite)
And some other people
When teenager Sarah Maccoll (Pallett) is violently ejected from her home by her alcoholic mother (Rufelle), she is hurriedly rehoused by the council in the notorious Albion Court. Initially it's not so bad but then odd things start happening. Unpleasant accidents. People disappearing. Strange voices. Stranger things on the TV.
Can Sarah and new friend Sid (Mewes) work out what the hell is going on?
After the initial, bloody intro, Devil's Tower settles down to that old horror standby - "Young woman moves into a new home and spooky shit happens".
Well that's what it starts out as, anyway.
It's made very clear that Albion Court is a bit of a shithole. There's drug dealers lurking outside, squatters camping out in the empty flats and the entire top floor is an abandoned, rubbish-strewn no-go area.
There is a caretaker but he's a surly, cynical old man with delusions of authority and a disturbing addiction to the security cameras that are everywhere.
I'm guessing the director wanted to say something about the 21st century obsession with watching others through a screen. He's not exactly subtle about it and it gets more blatant later on.
There' s also a bit of time spent on introducing Sarah's new neighbours as well as getting into a bit more depth on Sarah's relationship with her mother (Rufelle).
It isn't pleasant.
Interestingly, the most suspenseful scene in the entire film is when our young heroine makes a sneak visit back to her old house to pick up some stuff. The girl is clearly bricking herself at the thought of running into Mummy Dearest. And once Mum makes her appearance, you can see why.
So far, so good.
We've introduced our heroine, given her some new people to play with, including potential love-interest Sid and oversexed neighbour Kate (Clement) then established that something is very wrong in Albion Court.
Here's where our opinions might start to diverge wildly.
We get to find out what exactly is going on up on the top floor as Sid's mate gets a reality TV makeover with a big, sharp knife.
And it just looks silly.
All the tension and unease that had been building up so far just deflates.
Don't even get me started on the frankly bizarre dream sequence/dance routine Pallett and Mewes get lumbered with a bit further on. What the hell that was all about I have no idea.
Then Devil's Tower decides to ditch Urban Ghost Story and become a Zombie movie instead.
No, wait. First we get some gratuitous shagging and some random lesbians. Then we get the Zombies.
Lots of people get chomped, Sid and the caretaker break out the choppy, choppy tools and Sarah gets proper heroic. The end.
Or is it?
I wanted to like this film and God knows all the cast did a good job. Roxanne Pallett goes from somebody in dire need of a hug to feisty in believable fashion, Jason Mewes shows us why he's so much more than stoner hero Jay and Frances Rufelle's drunken, sneering, bullying Kim MacColl is a monster even before the supernatural stuff happens.
Decent cast. Decent idea. Decent setup and some good moments all through the film. The zombie attack isn't bad at all, for instance.
I just thought it could have been better. Maybe letting us get a good look at the Big Bad so early on wasn't such a brilliant idea after all.
Here's the trailer so you can make up your own mind
