Cheapo DVD Reviews: Jurassic Island (2019)

"Ten Years Ago" 
 Siblings Sara and Jake are leaving their favourite arcade when Jake turns back for one last game. His eye is caught by a brand new game.
 Meanwhile Sara is outside waiting for her brother...

Except he never shows up.

"Present day"
  Sara and her BFFS Rae and Chrissy have finally achieved their dream of opening their own retro arcade and are just installing the very last game when they notice something weird. The game is designed for 4 players but it looks like somebody is already signed in and he looks very familiar...

***********************************************

  I am clearly a total mark for a DVD cover with a dinosaur on it as I continue to buy them despite one shoddy CGI mess after another.  I also continue to be peeved by the ongoing tendency to use "Jurassic" as code for  "It has a T. Rex in it" when every small child could tell you that Tyrannosaurus Rex was strictly a Late Cretaceous kinda dude.

  As it turns out, this is not another attempt to rip of the Jurassic park Franchise.  As the blurb on the back will even tell you, this is about 3 friends trying to survive after being sucked into a game.  That would make it a knockoff of the Jumanji series.

  The original title and DVD cover is much closer to what this film is all about.

   Maybe they knew if there was a big dinosaur on the cover some schmuck was guaranteed to buy it.

   Moving on to the film itself, I should start by saying this is by The Asylum.   Expectations suitably adjusted.  

  Whereas Jumanji: Welcome to The Jungle was a hit because of it's talented cast, sterling character work, and expert blend of humour and, action, set to an entertaining storyline, the people behind this film clearly came away thinking the key was Karen Gillan in short shorts.

  Which is why our female lead looks like this:

Pretty blatant but I will admit to being perfectly OK with it.  

The next logical step would be to replace Dwayne Johnson, Chris Rock and Jack Black with suitable characters.

Or you could go "Fuckit" and have two more girls in shorts. Whatever. 

Still not blatant enough?

Moving on,

 The other thing you notice is that Rancala is actually a pretty rubbish game. 

  Our heroines wander about for a bit, encounter something dangerous which initially confuses them before defeating it with surprising ease. Repeat for the next level.  

  You will be pleased to know that there is at least one brief segment with a T. Rex. The rest of the time Sara, Rae and Chrisy are beating up white guys.- with one noticeable exception.

Oh look. It's a tornado that has sharks in it. Did I mention that this was made by The Asylum?  

  I will admit that somebody did try to have fun with the fight scenes. 

 It would have been nice if the fights had been better choreographed. Or done by people with some actual martial arts experience. Or had some interesting attacks like the ones you get in video games. What you get instead is some indifferent scrapping with videogame sound effects added.

 TBH the scariest part of this whole film is Bai Ling shows up  looking like she woke up in a skip after a Meth week and proceeds to chew the scenery like her life depended on it. 

 I'm not posting screenshots of that because I want the nightmares to stop. 

So after all that, is Jurassic Island any good?

  Well, for an Asylum knockoff this isn't too bad. The CGI is kept to a minimum which works out quite well, and although our heroines are obvious cliches who react like they've never played a video game in their lives Sara, Rae and Chrissy are easy to like. Normally in these things there's at least one person you want to get eaten but not here.  YMMV obviously. 

  I did find myself losing interest towards the end, mainly because the story was too thin to support the film all the way to the end. Luckily a final punchup wrapped everything up just in time. 

How much did I pay for this: £5

Was it worth it? Yes, with some reservations. Whoever decided to rename this to Jurassic island can fuck right off and there's some flaws with story, pacing, fight planning and overall lack of budget, but on the whole this DVD kept me mildly entertained. Expect little and you may be rewarded.  

 Friendship is Magic!

The "Sad Warrior" Pose

 Earlier this week I posted a review of low-budget horror-flick "Land Of The Pharaohs"(It's crap. don't bother) but in the process of writing the review something occurred to me.

I looked at the DVD cover and thought "Why does that look familiar?"

And the answer was "Because I've seen that pose used on a few DVDs lately.  Let me demonstrate.

This is the one that immediately came to mind.

I've decided to call this pose The Sad Warrior pose because let's face it, do any either of these people look like they're having fun.

  At best you have a warrior praying for strength and fortune before an epic battle. Alternatively, here's somebody on the verge of a nervous breakdown because of all the heinous shit they've been put through.

 My theory is that DVD artists like this pose because it suggests a depth of feeling to the hero that might make us care about them a little more. "I'm not somebody that stabs people then parties. I stab people then feel really bad about it afterwards. Such is my fate"
 
 Problem is I've watched both of these DVDs and neither of the blokes on the cover are in the frigging movie.  
 Not even a little bit.  If it comes to that, the movie on the cover is not the movie on the disk because "Land Of the Pharaohs" is set almost entirely in a municipal museum and "Clash Of Empires" is about Javanese villagers fighting an evil king.

I suspect this is deliberate. 

Still don't believe me? Let's have another one.

Sympathy is not the only emotion being deliberately courted here, I feel. 

It's also  curiously similar to this Red Sonja promo poster. 

 A film we never got to see, sadly. 

 Once again the packaging for "Red Reaper" is deliberately misleading. No chainmail bikini for a starters.

  Beyond the fact that the hero is a pretty redhead, you don't get the film you' paid to see.

Moving on to film's I haven't seen. A five minute trawl through Amazon pulled up all of these adventure movies, coming to a CEX near you. 

  (I did try watching this one but gave up after 20 minutes because it was so dull. I doubt it got better.) 

 A slight variation here. Yay.

 I haven't seen this movie but I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that it isn't about "one man's fight to destroy an entire empire". It's more likely about a Thracian farmer fighting against the Roman prick that nicked his donkey. 

  One more to finish. 

  Here's a funny thing. When I went looking for this DVD cover I found two different versions. It's interesting how there's such a wide gap between the film you'd expect from this cover and what the other cover suggests.

Almost like one of these covers is lying to you.,

Here's my tip. If you see The Sad Warrior pose on a DVD, save yourself time, money and frustration and walk on by.  Maybe then the people who perpetuate this bullshit will finally stop taking the piss. 

 That's All Folks. 

Paperbacks, Swords And Chainmail Bikinis

Well this post is a lot later than I intended it to be. Sometimes life gets in the way of blogging. Sorry about that.

 This is for everybody that liked my last post but thought it needed less clothing and more impractical armour. So I promise you boob windows, armour on non-vital spots and warrior women who make Slave Leia look overdressed.  Let's have at it, shall we?

  In a minute she's going to realise that her sword is nowhere near long enough to reach him.

Wheareas he doesn't need to reach her, he just needs to hit the camel hard enough and our haughty princess is eating dirt. 

    Boris Vallejo doesn't seem to do as many book covers as he used to. That's a shame. 

This series interests me. Not only is there a sexy heroine but she's got her own pet werewolf. 

That's another one for the "To read" list. 

Fun fact: Quorthon dedicated Bathory's Viking epic "One Rode To Asa Bay" to author 

C Dean Anderson (aka Asa Drake) because he liked these books.

A snippet I found at the author's homepage so if you want a proper explanation visit: http://deanandersson.blogspot.co.uk

I just realised that there is no way in Hel (sorry) that I'm getting all these into one post. 

  Is anybody else distracted by the giant nipples on her brass bra? 

I'd love to know the story behind some of these covers.

Like this one. Why does she seem so startled to find a bloke standing behind her?

What happened to the oars?

What's the deal with the big lizard?

Does anybody know where I can get these books  for under a fiver?

 Armour that just shouts "Stab me here!"

Then again, she seems to be winning so maybe the old Boobie-Distraction ploy is a good 'un.

 Useful tip; Never ever wave your genitals at somebody holding sharp blades. 

 I don't think I've ever seen a full body pendant before. 

Either that or she tried making her own armour out of leftover bits of Mithril. 

 Just out of sight: A dozen barbarians taking a sudden interest in their shoes because they saw what happened to the last guy that wolfwhistled.

 Just for a change, a heroine that does wear the gear depicted on the cover.  

This is a collection of fantasy/Sf spoofs where Ms. Birnbaum visits certain other fictional worlds.

Worth reading.

Something makes me think the artist had just watched One Million BC .

That's all for now but I have a load of Jalav, Red Sonja and Raven covers left to use so stay tuned.  

Heavy Metal Cover Girls...Conquer The Galaxy

Given all the hype about a certain film franchise at the moment, today seemed like a good chance to post some covers I've had in my folder for a while. I think you'll agree that they are very, very appropriate.

 First up, some Scandinavian rockers who may possibly have a thing for classic Sci-Fi

Kal-El - Pakal (Norway 2014)

He's behiiiind you....

 Kal-El (Norway) - Ecosphere (2015)

  Cover one is a tribute to the Golden Age pulp. This cover is a tribute to the SF covers of the 70s/early 80s. 

I would buy both of these if they were comics, just going by the covers.  

The band are Stoner Rock with a bit of groove going on.
https://www.facebook.com/kalelproject/

 Compare and contrast those covers with this more up-to-date take on the theme.

Otherworld - My Final Sacrifice Ep (USA 2015)

That's a big-ass gun. That's also a lot of hair.

 I have to wonder how often she gets those flowing locks trapped in the airlock. 

No wonder she isn't wearing a helmet.

The band are ModernMetal/Metalcore, it says here. 

I tend to use a very, very loose definition of Metal for these posts, which is why so far we've had Stoner Rock and Metalcore. This next lot are very definitely Heavy Metal - unless you're one of those strange types that think anything with clean vocals is practically AOR.

 Barque Of Dante - Lasting Forever (China 2013)

 She's got tangled up in her headphones, the poor love.
While he looks pleased with himself.  

I really need to hear more Chinese Power Metal

Kantation - Nephilim (USA 2015)

 Some of my favourite covers are the ones where you find yourself making up a little story to go with them. 

My immediate thought when I saw this one was "Welcome to Earth motherfuckers!"

Kantation are somewhere on the border between  Heavy and Power Metal. 

Some Old-School Cool to finish

Deserts Of Mars - Transmission (USA 2013)

This cover makes me sad.

This is what the 21st century was supposed to be like.

Instead we got The Kardashians, X-Factor, ISIS, Austerity and a world that keeps getting greyer and uglier.

There aren''t any songs on Youtube but check out their Bandcamp site.
If you like sludgey Heavy Rock you might dig these guys.

https://desertsofmars.bandcamp.com/

That's all folks.

Expect Part 2 in a day or so.

Anime From The Vaults: Love City (1986)

In which I dig out an anime cassette that I haven't watched in ...(counts on fingers)...about 10 years.

  Tokyo, somewhere in the future.  "Headmeters" are powerful espers who can do all sorts of cool psionic shit - flying, blowing stuff up, all that jazz. Kei was a failed attempt at creating a Headmeter who has done a runner with his daughter Ai,  ex cop Raiden and a large cat that's way smarter than it ought to be. 
 Kei's bosses want Kei back or dead. And they really want Ai back since she's some sort of living psionic booster.
  In the process stuff gets broken, people die messily and some seriously weird shit happens. 

  During the initial anime boom the various companies quickly established a House Style. Manga Video tended towards SciFi and Horror aimed at the "Lad" crowd, the bloodier the better (Urotsukidoji, Fist Of The North Star) . Anime Projects released gentler, subtitled material forthe more hardcore Anime fanbase (Urusei Yatsura, Oh My Goddess)  while Kiseki sat somewhere in between the two (Black Magic M66, Plastic Little)

 And Western Connection released a bunch of stuff that they could get hold of cheaply. quickly slap subtitles on and dump onto the market with infamously poor tape quality.

 Even so, sometimes they released some decent stuff. The Lupin III movies and Devil Hunter Yohko were definitely worth buying. Ladius...um...not so much.
  So I had to wonder how well "Love City" would stand up after all this time.

For an anime from the 1980s, Love City holds up surprisingly well although some bits better than others.

 The animation isn't bad, especially given the era, although it is a bit strange seeing certain characters mugging like they just popped in from the "Urusei Yatsura" comedy next door.
 Espers making people explode followed by borderline slapstick is just odd.

Does this look like a man in a Dystopian SF/Horror?

On the subject of weird, there's some creative ideas in this OVA, starting with the aforementioned Headmeters
"Why are they called that?" I hear you ask cautiously.

  Every time a Headmeter uses their power, a handy guide appears on their forehead. Head...Meter. See?

 The serious looking redhead above is K2. Later on she gets a costume change.

 If I haven't said it already, this is not a comedy so don't ask me why she's dressed as a bunny. 

One of the villains is a wrinkly old dude in a robot suit. 

The mental image you just had is wrong. 

Here he is. 

 I don't know what that liquid is but I'm fairly certain it's at least 40% piss. 

Then there's this bit. 

We haven't got to the ending yet. The ending is where it gets really weird. 

 Allow me to go off on a tangent for a minute.  I've been watching anime now for about 20 years so I'm kinda used to it. 

But back when this stuff was just starting to trickle into the UK there was nothing around to compare. "Mindblowing" is not the word. Anime introduced me to whole new levels of bizarre. 

  The storyline is fairly simple by contrast. Bad guys want the girl. Good guys want to stop them. Bad guys want to bring about a messy armageddon. Good guys want to stop that too.  Simple but it's done decently and with some little wrinkles to keep things interesting. 

It goes without saying that the climax involves flesh squirming and mutating in ways that only happen in horror anime. Luckily there's no tentacle rape involved, which as far as I'm concerned is a bonus.  

To sum up: Love City is very much a product of it's era and is not without flaws. That doesn't mean it's without merit and if you like your anime bloody and a bit strange then Love City might be worth keeping an eye out for.   

Anime: Highschool DXD (Seasons 1-3)

   When it comes down to it, one of the major reasons I started this blog was to give me somewhere to go "Here's the cool thing I just discovered. Let me tell you about it." especially where anime was concerned.

 So...

This is something cool I've discovered. Let me tell you about it. 

Picture originally sourced from http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/

 Teenage perv Issei Hyudo has finally managed to get a date with a cute girl and it's been going great so far...

Right up until she rams a glowing spear through his chest. 

  Dying, Issei's last thoughts are of the beautiful redhead he saw that morning.

The next morning Issei finds himself alive and unharmed.

After a confusing day that involves being stabbed again, Issei awakens unharmed as before, except now he's naked.
So is the redhead lying next to him.

 Her name is Rias Germory, she is a Devil and Issei is now her servant.

  One night I found myself Youtubing Anime Vines (Short, funny vids usually with inappropriate audio tracks) In the process I began thinking "Hmm. Wonder what that anime is..it looks fun. So does that one...WTF is that?"  Which in turn  lead to me going away with a short list of anime to check out. 

 I'm trying to remember exactly why I decided to start with Highschool DXD.

Oh yeah. That would be it. 

  I ended up watching all three seasons in the space of a week because it turns out that while this particular anime might be heavy on the fanservice, there's lots of other stuff to like as well.  

  I'm not exaggerating about the fanservice. The opening credits start with the female cast butt naked, for crying out loud. I'm also convinced that the guy who drew the eyecatch panels (that bookend the commercial break) thought he was working for a porno anime because they go well beyond the usual anime cheesecake to the point where it gets uncomfortable.
   On the positive side, the hero's obsession with boobs leads to him developing some "special attacks" that have to be seen to be believed.

If that hasn't put you off, we'll move on.

  As Issei gets used to his new life, he meets the rest of the Gremory household (also devils) and develops his latent powers. It turns out that our slightly-depraved protagonist has a dragon-spirit living in his arm which enables him to do all sorts of spectacular attacks. In traditional anime fashion, as the series progresses, Issei gets more and more powerful. The rest of Team Gremory aren't exactly pushovers either, being either powerful magic users or superpowered.
 Which means epic anime fights. You know the sort of thing - lots of powering up, plenty of wilful property damage and, alright, female characters getting their outfits shredded.

 It never seems to happen to the blokes, for some reason. Whatever. 

  One of the things I did really like about Highschool DXD is the characters. For a series set in a school that could be described as part fighting anime, part harem show, I was amazed that everybody is likable. 

  Issei is overly dedicated to boobs but other than that, he's easy to root for being neither a cocky wanker, a doormat or a sex-assault waiting to happen.

  The other thing that annoys me about certain anime is female characters treating their male associates like disgusting human beings - even people they're supposed to be friends with - and resorting to violence three times an episode. (What? You said something I didn't like? Let's beat you bloody. Oops. Turns out it was a misunderstanding. Too bad.)

   So it's a refreshing change  Rias and the other girls seem to be quite fond of their newest member, which is where the "harem" bit starts to come in later on.  It starts off with a two-way rivalry between rias and ex-nun Asia, then Rias's lieutenant Akeno gets in on the act once she gets to know Issei better.
   The thing is, you can sort of see where they're coming from. Remember what I said about Issei being likable?  He gets some really nice character moments with the rest of the team.

 You know, for a bunch of literal devils, The Gremory household are a sweet bunch. Rias is probably the most pleasant demon-princess in anime history.
 Up until you hurt one of her gang, at which point you discover why she's got the tag "Crimson haired Ruin Princess"

 Everybody gets an interesting backstory, everybody has a function in the series. While the storyline  and battles revolve and Issei, it's not entirely The Issei Show. I like that.

I also like the show's approach to mythology - you get devils, angels and fallen angels, Norse gods, dragons and Church warrior-nuns all thrown into the mix with regular school politics. Boring it isn't.

Animation quality is servicable rather than spectacular but they do remember to animate the fights and usually quite well. 

  

  Summing up: I enjoyed this series a lot. I cannot, in all fairness, describe Highschool DXD as groundbreaking, clever or ,particularly deep. But it does have a lot of entertainment to offer.

    You might want to be careful watching this anime around other people though...

 As you've probably worked out by now, I'm quite a big fan of Ms. Gremory. Here's an AMV somebody did that might explain why. .

That's all folks. 

Heavy Metal Cover Girls...With Hair Like Fire

 When the time comes for me to do one of these HMCG posts I normally pick the theme one of two ways.

Either I find a really striking cover and think "Hmm. Have I got any more like his?" or I pick a cover at random and then wing it from there.
 Today's selection is definitely from category A. Which makes sense because when it comes to a room full of beautiful women, certain things are guaranteed to make some stand out more than others.

Today we're looking at Cover Girls with a definite something about them that draws the eye.  Also the only women on the planet ever going to use the phrase "My eyes are down here."

The first band up are going to surprise nobody.

Epica - We Will Take You With Us (Netherlands 2004)

 The unfeasibly gorgeous Simone Simons summons you. 

Epica - The Divine Conspiracy (Netherlands 2007)

Credit to: DeathDealer92

Another redhaired Dutch beauty next. 

Delain - April Rain (Netherlands 2009)

You wonder why the rest of the band even showed up for the photoshoot. 

Credit to: RoadRunner Records UK

Sons Of Seasons - Gods of Vermin (Germany 2009)

I often wonder how the cover artist can look at the band name, look at the album title ...then come up with something like this for the cover.
 I honestly can't see the connection. 

Then you look at this publicity pic from 2009.

That's Simone Simons making a guest appearance.

Since she's a lot more photogenic than the actual band, somebody used her instead. 

That's cheating, in my book.  

There is an alternative cover 

Suggests a very different band, doesn't it?

These guys are an interesting Power/Prog crew with a definite resemblance to Kamelot .
Not surprising since the two bands share keyboardist Oliver Palotai. Male vocalist, by the way.

Credit to: Aryss Black

The Rinn - Chains That Bind Me (Single)(Russia 2015)

Not bound very tightly, clearly.



Credit to: Unknown Power Metal YT.

They also do a really good version of Moonlight Shadow too.

PS. if anybody from The Rinn happens to be reading this:
1. I like what I've heard.
2. Can you confirm who your singer is these days?
You've got two different women listed as vocalist on different sites and it's doing my head in.

Sticking with Russian bands

The Arrow - Lady Nite Russian 2008)

OK, so that's a really cool pose and all.
Now watch where you;re going or this could end badly.

Music is a bit of an acquired taste. See what you think.

Credit to: eckado melodic power metal

To finish, a cover that's iconic for all sorts of reasons, mostly wrong.

Warrant - Cherry Pie (USA 1990)

They didn't use a redhead in the equally iconic video. I find this vaguely disappointing.


Credit to: WarrantVevo

That's all folks.