Film Review : The Fist Of Death (Mexico 1982)

 

  In an unspecified kingdom that's somewhere in Asia, or possibly Africa, and definitely not Florida, two beautiful princesses fall out over a magical Star of Great Power

 When one decides to become evil and seizes the stone, the good guys decide to call in that international man of mystery ... SANTO.

 There's some other stuff about a "Jungle Girl" who is rather disappointingly dressed in a demure white frock rather than a fur bikini and she's apparently getting married to a Chinese prince.

I think. 

So, you would expect Santo to arrive on the scene fairly quickly, what with the fate of the Stone, the kingdom and two hot women at stake.  Not really.  The first half of the movie has Santo and unfunny sidekick getting off a flight, onto a boat, onto another flight and then onto another boat just to get to where the good princess lives. But since she's already buggered off, Santo and co. end up on yet another sodding boat.  Luckily this lets him arrive just in time for the climax. 

 Just so you don't think you're watching a travelogue, there are a fights en route, as the bad guys try to stop him. None of them last very long or excite interest, although the mook falling into a propeller and getting bisected is a bit different. 

  Honestly, if there's anybody who's really the star of this film it's the voluptuous  Grace Renat pulling double duty as good princess Queria and bad girl Kungyan. 

 See if you can tell which is which here?

  Whereas wholesome Queria is there to be in peril, Kungyan gets to show off her...

Voodoo Dance Moves!

 Can you tell that this woman is a professional cabaret dancer? 

 Now let me remind who who the star of this movie is supposed to be;

To be fair, Santo does look pretty good for a 62 year old. And he does get into some action as the evil Kungyan uses her magic to try and stop him.

 First she changes herself into ..whatever the fuck this is supposed to be.

 Of course he fails because Santo is Santo and this is just a dude with the fluff off a barbershop floor glued to him.  Then Kungyan becomes a tiger.  Although this is not as menacing as the director was hoping.

 

 Personally I'd have advised Kungyan to jsut send a few blokes with M-16s but whatever. 

Finally Santo clashes with our buxom villain's big, bad henchman

Wearing a dark visor indoors in  dimly lit cave. No wonder you got your ass kicked, mate.

Exit Kunyang to rethink her plans and hiring strategy, before coming back for the sequel. 

The Star Of Great Power is returned to the lady who will use the power for good rather than turning into crap monsters and everybody is happy.

 As you can probably guess, there are bits I liked about this movie and by "bits" I mean "watching Grace Renata enthusiastically jiggling"  Otherwise, the story is thin and padded out, the action is lacklustre and Santo almost arrives late for his own movie. 

At no point is there anything remotely resembling a "Fist Of Death"

To sum up: If you like voodoo dance moves then this is the film for you. If you like Luchasploitation movies then Santo's earlier stuff is probably a better bet. 

Thats All Folks!

Tarkan vs The Vikings (Turkey 1971)

 The Terrific Turk Is Back - And This Time It's PERSONAL

A marauding band of brightly coloured Vikings raid a Hunnic fort and kidnap the daughter of Attila the Hun, planning to hand her over to a sexy, seductive and wicked Chinese princess. 

 It's never established why the Chinese want Attila's daughter .

Or why the Chinese hired Vikings in the first place. 

Just go with it, OK.  Historical accuracy, or indeed reality is not a big factor in this film. 

Tarkan, mightiest of Attila's warriors is left for dead by the Vikings and this turns out to be a big mistake.   You see, during the fight, the Vikings not only slaughtered women and babies but the bastards killed Tarkan's dog. 

Tarkan vows to go full-on John Wick on the entire Viking race.  And ain't nobody getting in his way. 

After watching the last "Tarkan" film I decided to check out this sequel and I can happily report that it is as much fun as the first one and, I felt, an improvement. 

  The story is a bit more focussed than before, with less blatant space-filling and Tarkan gets to display something more than "Turkish badass" 

 The costumes are still silly, and that's because they literally reused all the same props and costumes from the previous films. They also nicked the soundtrack from elsewhere (2001: A Space Odyssey" this time) 

"Tarkan vs..." may also have the least convincing depiction of Vikings since "The Norseman" but who cares.  Villainess Lotus (yes, really) is suitably slinky and evil. Tarkan has a brave new doggo who is adorable and awesome, and you get to see Tarkan fight a frigging giant octopus.  

In short, if you like your historical adventures a bit daft, "Tarkan vs The Vikings" could be the perfect way to spend a semi-drunk Sunday afternoon. 

That's All Folks. 

More Film Reviews Here: https://bigdassorted.blogspot.com/p/films-cartoons-and-anime.html?m=0

Film Review: Tarkan ( Turkey 1969)

 

  Attila the Hun wants the Sword of Mars, which will give him the power to conquer Europe.  He sends his mightiest warrior Tarkan off to get the sword for him. 

 The King of the Vandals and the Emperor of Rome also want the sword but while the Romans send the mighty gladiator Lucius,  the Vandals cheat by despatching more than one man.  

 Can Tarkan find the sword? 

 Will Tarkan take the hint that plucky female lead Bige is totally into him? 

Is Tarkan's doggy sidekick a Good Boy? 

Will Tarkan finally do something about that one lock of hair that's in his face for the entire movie? 

Spoilers ahead: Yes. Nope. Yes. No. 

This movie is made in 1969 although it does come across as something that could have been made earlier and probably by Italians.  If it wasn't for Tarkan resolutely refusing to bare his chest, he'd be a perfect peplum hero.  Weirdly enough, at times it also feels like something that could have been made in the 80s - also by Italians - as Tarkan wanders around, vanquishing foes, sleeping with hot women  and generally being very serious and manly. 

Very intense, is our Tarkan. Also Turkish.  He's very keen to emphasise that. 

The soundtrack is pretty good, it must be said.  Well the bits they blatantly nicked from "Zulu" anyway. 

Story? A bit disjointed and comes across as a series of episodes and I am convinced that there's some important scenes cut out.  There's definitely a few plot points that go nowhere. 

Lastly, there's some interesting costume choices. Personally I find it hard to take the "Vandal" warriors seriously when they are all wearing brightly coloured fake-fur rugs as skirts.

For all that, this was a fun film so if you want to see what a Conan movie might look like if it was made in Turkey, this might be for you.  

 

More film Reviews here: FILMS

Film Review: Weedwolf (2011)

 

In the small Texas town of Normal a rampaging werewolf with a nose for the devil's lettuce is slaughtering stoners. 

That's basically it.

I bet you thought the same thing I did "Wow, somebody tried to make their own version of Cocaine Bear except with  different combination of drug + animal" 

So I was a bit surprised to find out that Weedwolf  came out in 2011 but to be fair, this whole movie is a long cavalcade of baffling. 

Let me try and quickly pigeonhole Weedwolf.  It's a Stoner-Grindhouse-Guerilla-Horror-Comedy that also throws out random boobs to add some exploitation titiliation in there. 

Seriously. The opening credits are about 50% boobs and the film-makers will literally throw a pair of bare boobs on screen  at odd moments. 

There are other strange film-making choices. To give it that vintage, lost VHS look, the director decided to film everything with a potato and then run the whole thing through the grungiest filters they could find.  This film hurt my eyes in a way that 4th generation VHS anime fansubs never managed. 

The humour is low-brow. If it's not about racism, it's about bodily functions or the sheriff's intellectually-challenged son.  In yet another strange film-making choice, some "gags" have a random, intercut reaction shot. You know, like you might get from a standup comedy show - except this is a film.  I think they were trying to be clever here. 

The special effects are...not.  A Walmart werewolf mask and some ketchup. 

The actors are...not. The entire thing is put together with random people who were available at the time.

And last but not least there's the story.

I'm not entirely convinced there was a script at any point.  Weedwolf  lurches from scene to scene without any kind of flow and the whole thing looks made up on the spot. Even by low-low-budget standards this film looks rickety.

Having said all that, Weedwolf is definitely a viewing experience. I spent the whole film wondering "What the bloody hell am I watching" so if they got nothing else right - and believe me, they didn't -  the people involved managed to make something memorable. 

If you reeeeeally like ultra-low budget oddities,  or hate your eyes, then check out Weedwolf. 

Cheapo DVD Reviews: Rampage ( 2009)

 

An angry young man goes on a killing spree. 

That's pretty much it. 

My experience with the films of Uwe Boll has been mixed, to put it mildly.  I thought "In the Name of The King" was a perfectly serviceable fantasy film and "Postal" was a wild ride that kept me mostly entertained.  However, "Bloodrayne" made me fall asleep halfway through and "Blubberella" I can best describe as "Utter wank and why the fuck does this even exist"

 So Uwe Boll is not a name I associate with quality film making. He's not even the McDonalds of movies; he's the van you find outside the pub at 1am and you have to take a gamble on whether  you will get a catastrophic case of spraying anus.  

However "Rampage" is a bit different because it's the only Uwe Boll movie I've ever heard positive things about. 

So, when I saw this in CEX I took a gamble. 

"Rampage" is definitely an interesting film: it opens with flash-forwards interspersed with small-town boy Bill Williamson going about his daily, unsatisfying life. There's conflict with his parents, his boss, with people in shops and inevitably he suits up, tools up and starts running amok.  

It's not a comfortable watch. Compare and contrast with "Falling Down" where a lot of people can sympathise with D-Fens even if it's for dubious reasons. Nope. Bill is a murderous psycho and even the odd moments of dark humour don't change that. 

Of course this won't stop certain people from adopting him as their poster-boy. 

"Rampage" has an unpolished, low-fi, indieflick feel to it and that helps with the tone.  The mayhem is ugly and that gives it more impact. The pacing is also well-done.  Just enough set-up to establish and then we get into the rampage itself. 

 Special mention must be made of star Brendan Fletcher because he turns in a helluva performance. The rest of the cast is equally solid. 

To sum up: a director known for half-assing movies turns in something genuinely well done.  

How much did I pay for this; £3

Was it any good:  Actually yes.  Not an easy film to watch but it definitely makes an impact. 

Film Review : Prime Time (1977)

 

"Some unknown source has interrupted all television transmissions around the world. In place of the regular broadcasts, a lineup of extremely tasteless programs and commercials have been substituted. Included in the mix are such show as The Shitheads, The Charles Whitman Invitational, and commercials for a number of improbable products."

   As you may have gathered, this is another one of those films which tried to replicate the success of "Kentucky Fried Movie" by scattergunning short, lowbrow segments at the screen in the hopes some of it will hit.  And if you've seen the likes of "Groove Tube", "Tunnel Vision" and "Sex O'Clock News"  then you'll know that this is not as easy to pull off as you might think.  

"Prime Time" may or may not make you laugh but I know for a fact that I didn't. Not once.  

 The problem is, it looked like the people involved went for "edgy" and "near the knuckle" but forgot to make it actually amusing.  The punchlines can be seen coming within about half a second and a couple of segments didn't seem to have any payoff at all.  I suspect that somebody said "Hey wouldn't it be funny if we did Charlies Angels but all the girls were plus-sized"  and assumed that would be hilarious without anything more. I strongly disagree. 

Don't bother with this. Go watch "Kentucky Fried Movie" or "Amazon Women On The Moon" instead. 

Film review : The Virgin Psychics (2015)

 Genre:  Sci-Fi /Comedy/Boobs

  Kamogawa Yoshiro is a fairly ordinary Japanese teenager with a  crush on one of his classmates, embarassing parents and recurring dreams about a mysterious girl who may be his destiny.  Who he may also have made a connection with when they were both in the womb.

   Anyway one night he's having a wank when a comet passes overhead and the next day he has the ability to hear other people's thoughts.

 Meanwhile other people also developed psychic powers and you know right away how that's going to go.

 Can Yoshiro and a team of other ESP-wielding misfits save the town from danger? Will Yoshiro ever meet the girl of his destiny?  And why are all the girls in town only wearing underwear?

I saw a trailer for this and it looked like exactly the sort of Japanese weirdness I might enjoy.

 

 Weird, yes. Enjoy?  Still not entirely sure. 

Whether you get on with  this film or not depends on how much Japanese-style perviness you can tolerate. Years of anime have left me with quite a high threshold and even then I found myself thinking "Dudes, dial it down a bit."  

 I think it was the bit where a middle-aged man hands a teenage boy a fleshlight which caused that particular reaction. Or it could have been the bit where one of Yoshiro's team-mates uses his newly discovered teleportation powers to wave his willy at the girls locker room.  

 

 The second problem is that at 115 minutes the film is both long but still trying to cram too much in.  There's way too many characters for a start. I get that this is based on a manga and the producers wanted to fit all the regulars in but you could easily have dropped a half-dozen - or kept them back for the sequel. 

  

  The weird part is, after an hour plus of wanking gags, knob jokes, boob jokes, gratuitous underwear and gratuitous groping you suddenly get a touching scene where Yoshiro has an actual emotional moment with one of the female leads.  That doesn't last long. 

  The Virgin Psychics is an ..interesting viewing experience. I think you have to be in the right mood and willing to roll with the silliness.  

Approach with caution.

Been watching: Catwoman - Hunted

 

  After stealing a particularly valuable gemstone Catwoman has now pissed off a particularly powerful international crime syndicate. 

  Her only option is to team up with Batwoman and try to take the syndicate down first. 

The plot really isn't that complicated: heist - chase - reluctant team-up - big fight - Catwoman  walks away. 

 Except for some reason the big fight at the end isn't the big fight at the end. 

  There's another big fight after that, then a second, then a third and final boss fight.  This does seem excessive although if all you wanted to see if Catwoman kicking ass and being playfully quippy then I suppose you''ll be Ok with it. 

 Me. I felt that somebody wanted to pad the run time a bit and there wasn't enough story to stretch any further. 

 The animation was done by a Japanese studio which gives the characters a semi-anime makeover.  This mostly works except one particular character who is supposed to be menacing just looks like she strayed in from a kids show. 

These quibbles aside - and I do have more - Catwoman Hunted is entertaining enough, with decent animation, decent voice-acting  and a fun lead character, but not what you'd call essential viewing.

That's all folks

Film Review: R.I.A (2021)

 

   A beautiful woman named Ria wakes up, gets dressed and wakes up her husband Jack with a coffee, ready for their day together, as she does every morning.

Except....

 Every day Jack is a different person. And Ria is the star of the biggest reality TV show on the planet. 

 I checked this one out on a whim and I wasn't entirely sure what I was expecting. I have to admit, it didn't go quite the way I thought it would. 

 R.I.A takes a while to set things up as we go through one day after another with Ria being the "perfect wife" in a way that's either creepy or tragic - maybe a little of both. 

 The first twist is blatantly obvious but then all of a sudden things get darker in a way I was not expecting. 

 R.I.A has only a handful of locations and a small cast but manages to achieve something interesting. Instead of dodgy CGI we get unease and tension.   It helps that Jess Impiazi's performance as Ria is way, way better than you'd expect and is backed up by a solid cast. 

  If I have any criticisms, it would be the ending which is jarring. 

To sum up: R.I.A  is worth checking out if you like Sci-fi that isn't about spaceships and beasties. 

  

  

 

And since I loved this song on the soundtrack, here it is:

Imogen Blue - You make me wonder

DVD Review: Triassic Hunt (2021)

 

  The Story: A pair of genetically engineered Allosaurs  are being transported in a truck with woefully weak security measures. Of course they escape because The Corporation or The Military are invariably unable to move these bioweapon horrors more than a mile without fucking it up.  A small team of suspiciously unmilitary mercenaries are called in to recover the beasties and some of them get eaten. 

 I think that covers the basics. 

  One of my many movie pet hates is producers slapping Jurassic onto the cover of any DVD that has dinosaurs in it and nine times out of ten they're late Cretaceous creatures. I blame Spielberg for this one. Thanks a bunch Steve. 

However, here we have some legitimately Jurassic dinosaurs and some numpty decided to go with Triassic Hunt instead. 

 You know, I think this might have been a more interesting film if they'd decided to use some creatures that were actually around in the Triassic. 

 Like this one, for instance. 

 Tanystropheus Witton - sourced from: https://dinopedia.fandom.com/wiki/Tanystropheus

Or how about this: 

Lyddekerina- a giant-ass, carnivorous newt. Created by: dmitrchel@mail.ru

  It would make a refreshing change from badly-CGIed thropods.  Admittedly it's a bit harder to create serious tension when you're hunting animals that are only a serious threat to fish and maybe squirrels. 

  Moving on to the actual film.  Triassic Hunt is the sort of low-budget, dinoschlock that The Asylum pump out on a weekly basis. The low budget means that you end up watching  the small cast running around a warehouse chasing clunky-looking Allosaurs.

. 

 At no point is it ever explained how the dinosaurs are able to fit through doors or climb stairs. 

  There's some attempt to develop the characters, which feels a bit half-hearted and the inevitable "revelations" will surprise nobody. Neither will the ending which I've already seen in a dozen films already. The whole thing is very formulaic. 

Oh, this may possibly be a sequel to a film I haven't seen and don't really care about. 

  To sum up: Triassic Hunt feels like it was bolted together from bits of other movies and has very little fresh, original or even particularly interesting to offer. 

You might get some enjoyment out of this film if you watch it with mates after many beers but I wouldn't count on it.    

That's All Folks. 

Film Review: Invaders Of The Lost Gold (1982)

 

Philippines 1944. A Japanese unit transporting gold through the jungle is attacked by hostile natives and barely manage to hide the gold before being wiped out - except for three officers who vow to return for the gold one day. 

 36 years later. The remaining Japanese officer is "persuaded" to lead a motley collection of  adventurers into the jungle: A rich guy, his daughter and hired hand, a Phillipino couple, a washed up jungle-guide and an arrogant gold-hunter. With the last two in particular absolutely hating each other, it's a question of whether the jungle will kill them before they kill each other. 

 "Invaders Of The Lost Gold" is also known as "Horror Safari" and after watching this film I couldn't help feeling that either title deserves to be applied to a much more exciting movie.

 Don't even get me started on the poster. 

  "Invaders.." just doesn't manage to do anything exciting or even semi-interesting.  According to IMDB the script was being rewritten daily, which might explain why the whole thing feels so patchy.  For a film about treasure hunting in the Jungle there's a distinct absence of adventure. Even as the characters are gradually whittled down by mishap and skulduggery, it's so badly handled that any potential excitement is leached away.  How the hell do you make a crocodile attack boring?  How do you make me wait 75 minutes for a climax that would be considered dull in an Australian daytime soap opera?  

  I would also like to know why one suddenly dies mid-swim for no apparent reason. One minute fine, next minute scared, next minute dead. Did the crew forget to film the shot where somebody killed her? 

  To be fair, the cast isn't bad and this is probably the only time you will see Harold "Oddjob" Sakata and Glynis "spent her whole career playing posh, blonde Brits." Barber in the same film. But dear gods, nothing that anybody does matters.  

To sum up: Invaders Of the Lost Gold is a wasted opportunity. Don't bother. 

Cheapo DVD Review: Ancestral World (2020)

 Genre: We Can't Afford Horses Fantasy

  Years ago a heroic king and a talented mage managed to slay an evil warlord bent on conquering all the realms.

  Now the warlord's remaining followers have kidnapped the king's eldest son. To rescue him, the younger brother must find and retrieve the legendary Ancestral Armour.  Along the way he meets and teams up with a beautiful amazon warrior. 

Before I go on to the movie itself, let's talk about a couple of things first.

1. Ancestral World is a weird thing to call a film.  Normally when you see something like this it's because somebody is trying to cash in on a bigger, better film so a new title gets bolted on. Or the film is foreign and they hired the cheapest  translator to be found. 

 To my surprise "Ancestral World" is what this film was originally called. They couldn't come up with anything more compelling, I guess.  

2. The DVD cover.  As is traditional with this kind of movie, the cover is misleading.  Since neither of the people on it are in the film I wonder if the artist even watched it. Or saw any pictures.  or even knew this cover was going on this filmcase. 

 I have a theory that there's a warehouse somewhere where starving artists crank out fantasy DVD pics that get chuckled into a box and pulled out by any production company that needs artwork.

Here's the alternative cover which does at least have the actual stars on it. 

 It's not a bad likeness but they still included a dragon that isn't in the film.  Ok, one flies overhead at one point which really doesn't count. 

Right now onto the film. 

My immediate thought was that "Ancestral world"  is a bunch of "World of Warcraft" cosplayers making their own movie.  The budget isn't the lowest I've ever seen but they still can't afford horses or more than a handful of cast members. However there is enough for some downright wacky costumes.

Let me show you a couple of examples. 

By comparison our heroes are relatively restrained. 

Hero Prince Mairok.  Got enough knives there, mate? 

 

 Heroine Lantris  showing us why people laugh at Female fantasy Armour. 

It's basically a Belly-Dancer outfit with giant-ass shoulder-pads. 

And why is that anyway? 

Why is that women warriors devote 50% of their armour protection to the shoulders

while totally ignoring everything between the boobs and the belt. 

I am so offended I'm going to post a few more pics.

And again with the shoulderpads.  How does she not rip her jugular open everytime she raises her arms? 

 I have nothing clever to say here so enjoy the blatant fanservice. 

I must admit, it is nice to see a fantasy film trying to look fantastic. 

 The story itself is pure RPG.  Our heroes go here, fight somebody for a plot coupon then move on to fight somebody else. Repeat until they have all the bits and the final showdown happens. 

  For some reason the screenwriter thought that we needed to have the king and his pet witch  give a running commentary for people not paying attention. It doesn't work. Neither does reusing the same bit of "epic " music over and over again. 

  There is an attempt to give Lantris an interesting backstory and to develop the relationship between her and Mairok, all of which seems a bit rushed. 

   And that might be the problem. Ancestral World aims big but has neither the time nor budget to pull it off.  If this was an anime series, there'd be a dozen episodes or so to flesh everything out plus add some extra elements  -like.horses. And more people to fight. And the  dragon advertised on the cover!

How much did I pay for this? £3

Was it worth it?  Personally I thought "Ancestral World" was sort-of OK. It's the sort of generic, low-budget fantasy you watch once then offload to CEX next time you pass by. Seen worse. Seen better. 

 If you really have a thing for women in impractical shoulderpads then you might dig this. Otherwise, as long as you don't expect too much you might find it keeps you diverted for a bit. 

That's all folks. 

Film Review: Legend of The Shadowy Ninja: The Ninja Dragon (1990)

 Genre; Ninjasploitation. 

  Schoolgirl Shinobu Shindo is proclaimed head of her Yakuza family and as such, receives a family heirloom: A little bell on a necklace that summons three mysterious ninja sworn to protect her clan.  

  Meanwhile a pair of  ruthless killers are knocking off Yakuza bigwigs in brutal and messy fashion.  

  Gee, I wonder if those Ninja Defenders are going to be needed anytime soon. 

 Last night I watched 1917, which is a superb piece of film making on almost every level and I absolutely loved it. 

 "Legend... " is not a superb piece of film-making, or even a particularly good film but I still enjoyed it, albeit for vastly different reasons. 

 The acting is variable in the sense that everybody either emotes with all the intensity of damp cardboard or mugs ferociously to camera. At one point I became worried that one guy was going to be injured by his own flailing eyebrows.  

  The special effects are distinctly low budget but as seems to be common with this sort of Asian film, are definitely memorable. I couldn't help being impressed - sort of - by the guy getting his face peeled off like a bit of chicken skin on a drumstick. Then there's the monster at the end. 

 Yes that's right. A film  about warring Yakuza that already has mystic ninja in it, then ramps things up even more with rubber monsters. If I just say that this whole thing was created by Go "I am the Stan Lee of  exploitation manga" Nagai then it might make more sense. 

   Really, this is a live action anime right down to the OTT, hot-blooded speechifying. Accept that and everything makes more sense. 

  The big bonus for me was having a pair of  Joshi Puroresu superstars in supporting roles. You get Mayumi Ozaki being chillingly effective as "Female Killer" while Cutey Suzuki is on the side of good as a Ninja Defender. Naturally they square off in an epic martial-arts battle...um... a surprisingly technical wrestling match that goes on for quite a while. It's a strange interlude in a movie that isn't short of strange moments anyway. 

Despite the low-budget, the shonky effects, dodgy acting and a story that they might have made up as they went along, I found myself enjoying "Legend of the Shadowy Ninja." because it's so entertainingly daft that you just end up going along with it.   If you like the schlockier end of Asian cinema, this might be for you. 

WARNING: Do not confuse this film with the 1986 Godfrey Ho  cut n' shut effort "Ninja Dragon" which is an unwatchable trainwreck and doesn't have any lady wrestlers in it. 

Screenshot time.

Shinobu gets pensive.  "If I'm the star of this film how come I don't do anything remotely useful?"

 Look at me! I'm the comic relief. Aren't you lucky.

 This shot is cool and you know it. 

 

Ninja Defenders Assemble. 

Dude, you're breaking the Bro Code big time. 

 That's not how a gun works.

Suddenly  Yakuza, hundreds of them.  

Yakuza Assassin v Mystic Ninja in some extreme hugging!

 

That's All Folks!

 

 

 

 

Film Review: Caroushell (2016)

 Tired of being used and abused by obnoxious children, a carousel unicorn escapes and goes on a killing spree. 

  Well, you have to admit that this is a unique premise and  certainly makes a change from the 800th (Insert thing) Shark movie. 

 

 "So you have a badly-CGIed unicorn killing people, then?"  I hear you ask. 

Ha ha ha. 

No. 

You have a literal wooden unicorn with no animation whatsoever  that's being physically shifted by somebody offscreen, which does make the sex scene a bit weird.

Sex scene.  This movie has a sex scene involving a wooden unicorn.  Oh dear god. 

 It's almost certainly a shot at some of the weirder bronies out there. 

There's also  graphic murders with some surprisingly good practical effects so you can't say this movie didn't go all-in. 

In short: this is a very low budget slasher movie that just happens to star a wooden horse and doesn't take itself too seriously.  The fact that our homicidal horse provides a running commentary on his actions makes it even ...better?

 You might love this. You might hate it. You might even get a stiffy during the aforementioned sex scene in which case, what the fuck is wrong with you? 

That's all folks. 

Cheapo DVD Reviews: Jurassic Island (2019)

"Ten Years Ago" 
 Siblings Sara and Jake are leaving their favourite arcade when Jake turns back for one last game. His eye is caught by a brand new game.
 Meanwhile Sara is outside waiting for her brother...

Except he never shows up.

"Present day"
  Sara and her BFFS Rae and Chrissy have finally achieved their dream of opening their own retro arcade and are just installing the very last game when they notice something weird. The game is designed for 4 players but it looks like somebody is already signed in and he looks very familiar...

***********************************************

  I am clearly a total mark for a DVD cover with a dinosaur on it as I continue to buy them despite one shoddy CGI mess after another.  I also continue to be peeved by the ongoing tendency to use "Jurassic" as code for  "It has a T. Rex in it" when every small child could tell you that Tyrannosaurus Rex was strictly a Late Cretaceous kinda dude.

  As it turns out, this is not another attempt to rip of the Jurassic park Franchise.  As the blurb on the back will even tell you, this is about 3 friends trying to survive after being sucked into a game.  That would make it a knockoff of the Jumanji series.

  The original title and DVD cover is much closer to what this film is all about.

   Maybe they knew if there was a big dinosaur on the cover some schmuck was guaranteed to buy it.

   Moving on to the film itself, I should start by saying this is by The Asylum.   Expectations suitably adjusted.  

  Whereas Jumanji: Welcome to The Jungle was a hit because of it's talented cast, sterling character work, and expert blend of humour and, action, set to an entertaining storyline, the people behind this film clearly came away thinking the key was Karen Gillan in short shorts.

  Which is why our female lead looks like this:

Pretty blatant but I will admit to being perfectly OK with it.  

The next logical step would be to replace Dwayne Johnson, Chris Rock and Jack Black with suitable characters.

Or you could go "Fuckit" and have two more girls in shorts. Whatever. 

Still not blatant enough?

Moving on,

 The other thing you notice is that Rancala is actually a pretty rubbish game. 

  Our heroines wander about for a bit, encounter something dangerous which initially confuses them before defeating it with surprising ease. Repeat for the next level.  

  You will be pleased to know that there is at least one brief segment with a T. Rex. The rest of the time Sara, Rae and Chrisy are beating up white guys.- with one noticeable exception.

Oh look. It's a tornado that has sharks in it. Did I mention that this was made by The Asylum?  

  I will admit that somebody did try to have fun with the fight scenes. 

 It would have been nice if the fights had been better choreographed. Or done by people with some actual martial arts experience. Or had some interesting attacks like the ones you get in video games. What you get instead is some indifferent scrapping with videogame sound effects added.

 TBH the scariest part of this whole film is Bai Ling shows up  looking like she woke up in a skip after a Meth week and proceeds to chew the scenery like her life depended on it. 

 I'm not posting screenshots of that because I want the nightmares to stop. 

So after all that, is Jurassic Island any good?

  Well, for an Asylum knockoff this isn't too bad. The CGI is kept to a minimum which works out quite well, and although our heroines are obvious cliches who react like they've never played a video game in their lives Sara, Rae and Chrissy are easy to like. Normally in these things there's at least one person you want to get eaten but not here.  YMMV obviously. 

  I did find myself losing interest towards the end, mainly because the story was too thin to support the film all the way to the end. Luckily a final punchup wrapped everything up just in time. 

How much did I pay for this: £5

Was it worth it? Yes, with some reservations. Whoever decided to rename this to Jurassic island can fuck right off and there's some flaws with story, pacing, fight planning and overall lack of budget, but on the whole this DVD kept me mildly entertained. Expect little and you may be rewarded.  

 Friendship is Magic!