Cheapo DVD Reviews: Vampire Apocalypse (2012)

Back cover Blurb

"Vampire Apocalypse takes the Vampire genre to a new level of intensity and violence. Danika has lost her memory. When Danika turns out to be a vampire in need of fresh blood, and sinks her fangs into Jack's ex- girlfriend Sherry (Jordan Madley), Jack is soon into something very deep and twisted. Tidying up the mess, Jack tries to find a way to satisfy his new girlfriend's needs, that doesn't involve homicide, but alas only blood from a live human will do. At work, Jack's partner Roger (Robert Fitzpatrick) notices changes in his friend, and becomes concerned when his behaviour becomes more and more erratic. With bodies rising from the dead, and corpses piling up in his apartment Jack has arrived at

The Vampire Apocalypse!"

The DVD cover isn't remotely subtle about what it's ripping off. A leather-clad brunette looking out over a rain-soaked cityscape, shiny, shiny butt front and centre.  If you didn't immediately think "Underworld" then you haven't bought a DVD in about 20 years.
   However, the notion that you might be watching a vampire action flick comes to a screeching halt about a minute into the opening credits. The jazzy, Mexican-style music and graphics really don't fit the movie the DVD cover is trying to sell you and it's glaringly obvious that a new title has been pasted in over the top of the original.

 Now here's what the movie cover looked like when it was released in 2008 

 Huh... it's almost like somebody repackaged a film with the cynical intent of  fooling the punters.  

Well it worked because I bought the bloody thing. In my defence I wanted to see whether it really was an Underworld rip-off or not. Which it isn't

 The annoying thing is, I would happily have forked out a few quid to see "Bitten" and I wouldn't have pent the first half minutes wondering when the Vampire Apocalypse was due to happen. 

As it turns out Vampire Not-Remotely Apocalypse is a quirky story about a young man finding out his new girlfriend is a vampire.  And it's not bad.   

 Jason Mewes does a good job of  playing an unlucky dude trying to deal with the strangeness, Erica Cox could easily have phoned it in and let the fan service do the job  (Seriously, she's fully dressed in only two scenes and the rest of the time she's wearing her pants.) ...but manages to make Danica complex, seamlessly evolving from distressed damsel to predator and veteran Roger Fitzpatrick has fun as Mewes's crude mentor/best buddy Roger.

 I also enjoyed the way Vampire Apocalypse Bitten gets darker as it goes on.  The humour that's there for earlier scenes drains away as hero Jack tries to rein in Danica's murderous tendencies.  What you initially think is going to be a darkly amusing Boy Meets Girl story turns into a Boy Meets Train Wreck.  

How much did I pay for this: £2.50

Was it worth it: Once I got over the initial disconnect from the film I was expecting, yes.  Bitten has it's slow moments but is overall worth seeing. 

Now can somebody please find the guy that did the DVD cover for this and give him a punch in the dick? 

Cheapo DVD Review: Rise: Blood Hunter (2007)

 Back at the start of November I bought 12 DVDs from CEX and I said I was going to review every single one of them. Now I remember why I don't usually do that.
 For the 12th and final act in this saga, I'm looking at one of the few films in history with a murder victim getting their own revenge.

 When reporter Sadie Blake investigates a subculture of vampire wannabes she inadvertently stumbles across the real thing and ends up getting her jugular ripped open. 
When she subsequently wakes up in a steel drawer, Sadie is not at all happy with her new status as a vampire, especially since nobody bothered asking her first. 
Aside from anything else, being turned into a vampire does involve being brutally murdered. That, she's really pissed off about and somebody is going to answer for it.

  
  I mainly picked this up because Lucy Liu is in it as I've been a fan of her work ever since Ally McBeal.

But, as one of my mates once put it "She's going to spend the rest of her career playing Dragon Ladies."

Lucy Liu is a pretty decent actress and  has the range to handle a variety of roles. It just so happens that she's really good at playing tough cookies with a sharp tongue.
 It works really well in this movie. There's a nice contrast between the three stages of Sadie's life - confident reporter, traumatised victim and badass vampslayer. Like I said, Lucy Liu has the range to switch gears as required.
.   IMHO, I think Lucy's performance manages to make an OK vampire movie  just that little bit more OK.
 Not great, but better than it would be otherwise.

 Actually the acting is better than it normally is for this kind of film. Lucy Liu does a good job, so do Michael Chiklis, as a cop/grieving father seeking answers, and James D'Arcy who plays head Vamp Bishop with a mix of charm and complete bastard. Carla Gugino and the late Mako don't get as much to do but make the most of what they have.

 The movie itself is not as good as it could have been. The story jumps about between present events and flashbacks at odd moments, which derails things, and the movie as a whole is curiously flat. Considering the amount of blood shed in nasty ways, you'd expect a bit more punch to proceedings. I'm not sure why I didn't really feel it with "Rise..", just that I watched but was not immersed.

The idea of a vampire hunting down other vampires is not a new one and neither is said vampire being female (See the dreadful Bloodrayne films... the frankly appalling Vampire Shadows...and Innocent Blood which is one of my favourite vamp films.) but while Sadie is a decent character, the film on the whole is never more than "Sorta OK"

How much did I pay for this: £1.50
Was it worth it: Debatable. I realised halfway through that I'd rented this DVD a while back but had forgotten it. I never forget a film I've seen so what does that tell you?
 Watch if you're a diehard Lucy Liu fan but otherwise, I wouldn't go out of your way to see "Rise: Blood Hunter"

As it so happens, I bought some more DVDs at the weekend and I need to start working my way through those.

Nah, screw it... I'm gonna take a break from films and do some other stuff instead. Expect a Heavy Metal Cover Girls feature in a day or so.

 that's all folks.  

Comic: Vampire Vixens Of The Wehrmacht (2013)

Created by Alex Ronald. Written by The Emperor and Alex Ronald. Art by Alex Ronald

 May 1940.  Britain stands alone against the Nazi War Machine.  As if things weren't bad enough, Churchill learns that the Germans have terrifying new allies. Vampires.

   Through cunning use of the Black Arts, one of these vampires is enticed over to serve the British cause.  Now the Special Occult Executive's newest agent and her reluctant human partner are off to retrieve a very special magical artifact.  

Cheapo DVD Review: Blubberella (2011)

  For those of you wondering where I've been lately, I was on holiday. It was quite a pleasant week away and in the process I learnt a few things:

1. Parents don't like it when you get carried away and teach their offspring how to turn a newspaper into a cosh. 

2. Drunkenly attempting to make friends with a cute Staffordshire Bull terrier may not cause the owner to freak out. But bellowing "Dogggiiiieeee!!!" from across the street and waving like a loon definitely will.

3. Kebabs in the Midlands are a thing of wonder. If you haven't tried Doner Kebab in Naan bread then I suggest you rectify this forthwith. 

Anyway, this afternoon I picked up a DVD from Poundland. I took one look at the cover and thought "Yep. I can get a blog post out of this."

  Blubberella is a Dhampir, Half-Human, Half-Vampire, who fights Nazis in WW2 Europe while wondering where all the nice Jewish boys have disappeared to.

  When she accidentally turns one of the Nazis into a vampire, 'Ella has to team up with the local resistance to take him down before he unleashes a horde of undead Nazis on the world. If she can get laid in the process that would be perfect.

  There is a school of thought that says Uwe Boll deliberately makes shitty movies but up until now I'd always given him the benefit of the doubt. If anything, I thought he was getting less shite as time went by. 

 Now I'm not so sure. 

  I think it was the tagline that first made me realise I was in the presence of failure. "She will kick ass with her big ass."  Because - and this is just comedy gold, folks - the heroine is a fat bird. 

  Hoo boy, I had to duct tape my sides together after they split from all the hilarity.

  It doesn't get much more sophisticated than that. 'Ella and comedy gay Vadge spend the entire film trading fat/homo insults and there is the aforementioned issue with all 'Ella's potential dates disappearing on cattle trucks heading eastward...

  Uwe Boll trying to do comedy is bad enough. Uwe Boll trying to do edgy comedy is bordering on trainwreck.

  

 As you can probably guess, the whole thing spoofs Boll's own "Bloodrayne" but with an unsubtle nod towards  "Valkyrie" and presumably the writing team had just seen "Precious" because one scene takes a pot shot at that too. Why? F*** knows.

 Why does Hitler show up with a blacked up sidekick pretending to be 50 Cent? 

Why is there a brief  subplot about a prostitute getting infected with vampirism that seems to have been written by a writer who hadn't seen the rest of the script and thought it was a serious movie?

Why did the whole thing come across like it was written on post it notes?

 Do the writers even understand the concept of "Plot structure?"

 What the hell did I just watch? 

  To put it into perspective: You know those deeply stupid parodies -"Date Movie", "Epic Movie" "Meet The Spartans" et al - less painful to watch than this.

  In fairness, I suppose I should say that Lindsay Hollister and certain of her co-stars are clearly trying their best and probably deserve to be in a much better film.  

  The rest of the cast were apparently  picked up on a local steetcorner and may well have been paid in soup. 

So, to sum up:

 How much did I pay for this? One shiny British pound that I could have spent on something better.  Scouring pads for instance. I just realised that I'm out. Or a bottle of dandelion and burdock. 

Was it worth it?  Nope. I just fancy a glass of dandelion and burdock too.

I suppose I could try taking this down to CEX and maybe I could get 25p for it. The problem with that is, I'd have to admit to owning it in the first place.  So as soon as I grab some screenshots this is going into the stack at the bottom of my DVD cabinet (What I like to think of as the Shelf Of Shame) and there it will gather dust and dead spider body parts.

 Our plus-size heroine. Why is she even called Blubberella anyway? 

Wouldn't that make more sense if this was a parody of Cinderella?

  'Ella and Vadge size each other up

After deciding not to bother rescuing a trainload of Jews because they were too ugly, Ella and the Resistance head back to base. 

I try not to think about the giant fish-man. It makes my head hurt. 

Dr Mangler and Lt Jaeger do painful surgical shit to a vampire. Nazis are dicks.

Well this scene came out of nowhere - in a tribute to "Precious" Ella gets abused by a man in dubious makeup.

 Somebody is enjoying this film. I wish I was.

Hitler and somebody in blackface pop round to Ella's for a game of Risk.

Here's the trailer

 

That's all folks.

I think I need to read this - Vampire Vixens Of The Wehrmacht.

While poking about t'internet I stumbled across...

   Pic now and forever the copyright of Alex Ronald  and Bump and Grind Comics

  How can I resist a title like that and a cover like that? 

 I found the above picture here  http://2000adcovers.blogspot.co.uk/which is a great  read for anybody who likes their British comics or comic art in general.
 The comic apparently comes out in July  so I plan to keep an eye out for it. In the meantime, the artist's blog may be found here: http://alexronald68.blogspot.co.uk/

Soulless - The Manga

   Alexia Tarabotti is resigned to being a spinster forever. She's unfashionably dark, unfashionably buxom, far too plain (allegedly), far too interested in unladylike things such as science and her tolerance for idiots is minimal.
 Then one night she is attacked by a rogue vampire and after that she finds herself involved in a nefarious plot featuring devious vampires, grumpy werewolves and mad scientists.  Luckily Alexia Tarabotti is armed with her quick wits, a sharp tongue and of course her trusty parasol.
 And Miss Tarabotti has one more trick up her well-tailored sleeve.  Born without a soul, her touch can make werewolves and vampires mortal. No wonder she makes them worried.

Been Watching: Vampire Shadows (2005)

AKA: Shira The Samurai Vampire.

Medieval Japan: A young samurai woman is attacked by vampires and chooses death rather than become one of the undead. 

Present day: Shira and her team of vampire hunters seek out and destroy the forces of darkness.

Cartoon: Roswell Conspiracies- Aliens, Myths and Legends.

He's a Badass Bounty Hunter. She's a Banshee. They fight evil.

  Back in about 1999 I stumbled across a cartoon called Roswell Conspiracies and was very impressed. After a few episodes it got bumped from the schedules and I never managed to catch up with it again.

  Until this week.

  Thank you Youtube.

  The first episode sees Bounty Hunter Nick Logan getting the shock of his life when a fugitive suddenly turns into this wolf...thing. Luckily the martial-arts lessons his father had given him included "What to do if your opponent suddenly morphs into a big ass werewolf." and a short fracas later Nick is handing over his catch to a team of agents. Who fly away in their jet-truck.

 At this point Nick can't help thinking something a little odd is going on.

 Never mind. He's got another job lined up. A cute Irish girl by the name of Sh'lainn.

 As it turns out. Sh'lainn is actually a Banshee and the rest of the clan want her back, not necessarily intact.

Caught between pissed-off Banshees and  heavily armed mystery men with industrial-sized laser guns, Nick and Sh'lainn hurriedly agree to a  truce and set about finding some answers.

The central premise is very simple. What if all the things that went bump in the night were real? Vampires, werewolves, Banshees and a dozen or so others, all real and all actually aliens who've been living alongside us for centuries.


 So wouldn't there be a Government department devoted to quietly hunting them down?

  I suspect that somebody had been watching a lot of X-Files and a wee bit of Anime and thought "Let's see if we can get a cartoon out of this." and the result is a cartoon that really needs more love.
   Quite early on it becomes clear that this is a bit more in-depth than "We good guys. Them bad guys. Kick ass." Yes, there's the usual heroics and quipping but every one of the major characters has their own agenda and can find themselves on different sides depending on the circumstances. The good guys are not always so good and the bad guys have their own good reasons for their actions. (Although the vampires seem to like being dicks for the hell of it.)  The mayhem level is high throughout and isn't always casualty-free.

 One of the big strengths is the relationship between Nick and Sh'lainn. Like most cartoon heroes he has his fair share of dick moments but has his heart in the right place and remains likeable. And Sh'lainn...

 The animators like Sh'lainn.

 All the blokes are given character designs best described as "Angular". Or possibly "Boxhead" but there's a bit of effort put into making Sh'lainn and the other girls look good.

 And it helps that the girl has a nice line in dry humour and gets in some genuine kick-ass moments. 

The chemistry between human and Banshee is always fun to watch and gets stronger as time goes by.  The supporting cast is fleshed out with a a collection of interesting, well-developed allies, enemies and bystanders and this has to be one of the few US cartoons before the DCAU that had anything resembling an arc plot.

 All 40 episodes can be found on Youtube. http://www.youtube.com/user/EndaSrb21/videos

See what I mean?