Heavy Metal Cover Girls - Actually Wearing Armour

 Hello and welcome to another edition of Heavy Metal Cover Girls. 

 There's a very good reason why I keep posting album covers with women warriors on them. Heavy metal artists have created lot and lot of them. At this point I think I've done six posts and I could easily do another ten more. 

 

 But today I fancied doing something a bit different. Out of all the pics I have saved, amongst all the chain-mail bikinis and topless amazons, how many of these women are actually wearing proper armour. 

 I found six 

Ok then, let's dive in, shall we?

Fiona - Greatest Hits (USA 2009)

This one is cheating a bit because somebody just recycled a bit of Dragonlance artwork.

It's also an odd choice for an artist who has no fantasy influences in her music whatsoever.  

Savage Grace - Sign of the Cross (USA 2023)

Not wearing a helmet but to be honest, I don't know how she'd get all that hair under a bascinet anyway. 

The rest of the harness seems pretty realistic though. 

 I do want to know the story with the bloody guy at her feet. 

Friend? Enemy? 

Is she offering the late rites or telling him "I told you I'd get my revenge."

Scythia - Lineage (Canada 2016)

 In a rare example, she is wearing more armour than he is and look how that worked out.

Simacota - Suando El Silencio Se Rompe  (Colombia 2017)

Why are none of them wearing a damn helmet? 

Anyway, a nice samurai-influenced rig that protects most of the important bits and the 

designer has resisted the urge  to add a boob-window, boob plates or massive shoulderpads. 

I approve. 

A Sound of Thunder - Only One Can Rule EP ( USA 2024)

I guess she couldn't find a helmet that fit her horns.

I also feel those spikes on her should plates are more a menace to her than the enemy.

Minor Quibbles.  

This last one is stretching it a bit but I want to emphasise something here.

Even though her armour is apparently put together from bits found in the bin,

she is still wearing more armour than normal.  

Soleil Moon - Warrior (USA 2019)

 You're not wearing any padding so that's gonna chafe you to buggery. 

Maybe once you kill that wizard, you can upgrade to some leg armour too. 

For those of you missing the chainmail bikinis, normal (fan)service will be resumed next time I do one of these. 

Or I might post Gorgons instead. We shall see how I feel. 

That's All Folks

Heavy Metal Cover Girls- With Arms Wide Open

 Hello everybody

 Sorry I haven't been posting much lately but remember that time Blogger deleted my blog and when I finally got it back, all my daily pageviews were in the toilet? Well,  turns out that dented my enthusiasm a bit.

 But I promised myself I'd be a bit more active this week so here we go with another episode of Heavy Metal Cover Girls. If you haven't seen any of these before  then the idea is this: I post a collection of Metal/Rock album covers linked by a loose theme and try to say something about each one. Don't expect in-depth analysis, more like shallow snarking and blatant fanservice.  

So what's the theme today?  

Since the weather is really good at the moment, my original plan was to go with "Cover Girls enjoying the sunshine"  Turns out that there are surprisingly few of those in Heavy Metal  but I did find something else I've never done before.  

 What I'm doing this time around is "Cover girls with their arms outstretched to the side". Call it T-Posing, call it the Jesus Christ Pose call it the "Whee, I'm an airplane" pose, there's different reasons to throw the arms open wide. Hopefully deodorant has been applied beforehand. 

 Dark Sarah - My Name is Luna (Single? Finland 2020)

A basic T-pose to start off with. 

I quickly found out that there's lots of variations.

Heavy Metal Cover Girls - In Wimples

 Hello and welcome to another edition of Heavy Metal Cover Girls; a series where I post Rock/Metal album covers linked by a theme and then attempt to say something interesting about each one. 

 Or at least something better than "BOOBS!" anyway.

Nuns are on more metal album covers than you would think.  At first sight the combination of  a music form known for being anti-religious and women known for devoting themselves to Christ is an odd one.

 Then again, as we shall see, these nuns have taken a walk on the wild side. 

Lorihen - Bajo La Cruz (Argentina 2007)

Let's be charitable and pretend she's looking up at the altar with religious devotion.

Moving on. 

Bongtower - Altered States (Russia 2019)

I think this is a metaphor for the constant struggle to remain on the right path in the face of temptation and peer pressure. 

 Or a Stoner band wanted to see nuns getting baked. 

 

Waddya know, nuns and booze are on the next one too. 

Junkyard Drive - Sin And Tonic (Denmark 2017)

 You can just tell what this band sound like from the cover alone.  Which means it's done its job, I guess.

 

  I'm beginning to suspect some of these women aren't really nuns at all...

Knighthood - Bad Habits (UK 2014)

Oops sorry, wrong church. We were looking for St. Judes. They're having a bake sale today.

You aren't having bake sale, by any chance?

No?

OK then, we'll just be leaving. Sorry for interrupting.

At this point we're beyond "nuns behaving badly" and reached "nuns going into Ken Russell territory."

Darkest Sins - S/T (Norway 2012)

Whatever is going on here, it's heavily implied that the nun is enjoying herself.
Each to their own 

Burdel King  -  Si Dios Esta en Todas Partes... Fuego a Discreción!   (Spain 2016)

Well this isn't St. Judes either.

We're looking for the bake sale...

No we aren't naughty and need spanking.

We just wanted a nice sponge cake.

No that isn't a code for anything!

BYEEE!

Besatt - Impia Symphonia EP (Poland 2015)

BOOBS!

And that's all folks

Heavy Metal Cover Girls - Angels With Black Wings

 Hello and welcome to another entry in Heavy Metal Cover Girls; a series where I post a bunch of album covers with attractive women front and centre and try to come up with something intelligent about each one. Or just get snarky. Whatever.  

 Angels are a popular theme for Rock/Metal album covers as evidenced by the number of times I've posted them. Sometimes they are used as a symbol of purity and sometimes in their Old Testament role as God's legbreakers.  Interestingly male angels are more often the latter, as far as I can tell. I'm sure theres a discussion worth having but that's a job for somebody else. 

 Don't even get me started on that  "Biblically Accurate Angels" meme that popped up recently. Just going to NOPE right past that and pretend I didn't see anything. 

 What we will be talking about today is a particular subset of Angels: the ones with Black Wings who are very definitely not the warm, protective sort. As we shall see, these are Angels who are happy to walk on the dark side. 

Anthology - The Prophecy (Slovakia 2014)

 I wonder what the Prophecy actually is? 

Anthology - Angel's Revenge (Slovakia 2016)

I see now. The Prophecy was " An angel is going to lose her skirt, get mad and slaughter a whole bunch of dudes."

  Adrian Barilari - InfieRock (Argentina 2019)

 I think this is an Ex-Angel because I am pretty sure those are horns. 

Kinda cute though.  In a scary way. 

 

Black & Damned - Heavenly Creatures (Germany 2021)

 Angels have never understood the concept of "Excessive Force" which is why getting them to chase up parking tickets never goes well. 

Let's give the band a plug, shall we?

Another new album 

Boudreaux - Fallen Angel (USA 2021)

One of the less-threatening fallen angels I've ever posted. 

Not interested in setting cities aflame or harvesting souls - just wants to rock and roll all night and party every day. 

Only fair to give these guys a plug too. 

Chastain - The Reign of Kate (2019)

 Tries reading the awkward font.

Decides it can't possibly say "The Reign of KATE"

Turns out that is exactly what it says.

Meanwhile the cover is about an angel who has been summoned to do a bit of dancing. 

OK then. 

Find me - Dark Angel (Sweden 2015)

 Looking a bit serious here. Contemplating whether to get all fire & brimstone on a city, no doubt.

Helestios - Your Pain Tastes Good (UK 2020)

 Another awkward font. Cheers guys. 

I can't help noticing that she is getting groped by something with tentacles and apparently enjoying it.  Consider my eyebrow raised. 

Always happy to see new British metal so here's a quick plug.

Letzte Instanz - Schuldig (Germany 2008)

 This looks like the sort of comic I'd pick up because of the cover. Probably something about a fallen angel turned bounty hunter while fronting a Gothic band. 

Salem -Attrition (UK 2018)

 Judgement day, bitches. Get in line for your decapitations. 

No kidding, I love this cover. 

I just looked the band up and they are (some) of the same band that formed after the legendary Ethel The Frog split in 1980. 

Holy crap. I didn't know they'd reformed.

I have to post these guys!

  

Scarblade - The Cosmic Wrath (Sweden 2016)

 Another angelic badass.

 How badass is she? 

Her fucking hair is ON FIRE. 

Sündflut - Teufel, Engel & Dämonen (Germany 2017)

 How did I get here and where the bloody hell are all my clothes? 

That's All folks. 

Heavy Metal Cover Girls - Gone Wrong

 Ihaven't done a Cover Girls post in a while - not since March, in fact - and since my album folder is bulging at the seams, I thought I'd better rattle one off quick. However this will not be the usual format; which is where I post a bunch of covers on a theme and attempt to be witty. 

 

No, the only things connecting  these covers are that 1. they have a woman on it and 2. they could easily feature on Terrible Metal Album Covers instead. This might be down to a dodgy theme, poor composition or a general lack of artistic...anything.   See what you think. 

Ted Nugent - Love Grenade (USA 2007)

Ok, so the artist can draw but while this might be an attempt at a "playful" old-fashioned pinup, it just comes across as tacky. 

Perpetual Rage - Empress Of The Cold Stars (Finland 2017)

You can sort of see what they were going for - an Indie comics vibe - but don't quite pull it off. 

The next band are more prog than metal but while I'm here...

Forest Field - Angels (NLD 2015)

Whereas this one is trying for an anime style and while it would look great on a hentai, is it really doing the band any favours? 

 

 

Hungry Wolf - Metal Bitch (Russia 2015)

What the fuck is wrong with her neck?!

And finally

Zardoz - Bombastic Plastic EP (Germany 1998)

Words fail me.

Remember that bad cover does not equal bad band

 

That's All Folks

Terrible Metal Album Covers XXVII

I haven't done one of these in a while and since I have a few covers left to use, what the hell.

The objective is to demonstrate what can go wrong when the artistic vision of the band runs headfirst into the artistic ability of the artist and the result is a steaming pile of disaster, leaking fluids and the bitter stench of failure.

 Please note: Just because the cover is a badly drawn mess does not mean that the band suck.  Artists like Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, Helloween and Metal Church have all had utter catastrophes plastered on the front of their albums.

Now let's dive in.  

Achesete -Manicomio Sin Techo (Spain 2017)

What the fuck is wrong with his face? 

Why would anybody choose this mutation to represent their band?

Eezee - Matter Of Attitude (Australia 1993)

 The band tries to create their own mascot a la Vic Rattlehead and almost manage to pull it off.

Zephaniah - Stories From The Book of Metal (USA 2006)

Full marks for being ambitious but the end result is, to put it mildly, not pretty

Helloween - Pink Bubbles Go Ape (Germany 1991)

A well-respected band, a major label and a decent budget all combine to create this.

I honestly don't know what Helloween were trying to do, besides highlight how "Wacky" they were.
Good job, boys. Good job.



Impulse - Gladiator -  (Bulgaria 1989)



having a musclebound warrior on your cover worked well for Manowar.
Sadly this Bulgaran band decided their guy needed NHS Librarian specs.

And That's All folks
See you next time. 

Heavy Metal Cover Girls: Metal Amazons

 I've been a bit fed up lately but I think I know what will cheer me up and hope fully make your world a little bit shinier.  Attractive women in impractical armour wielding swords. Possibly while riding animals that no sane person would even go near.

Yep. It's time to dust off the Heavy Metal Cover Girls tag. It's been a while, hasn't it?   

Once again I'm going with the theme "Warrior Women" because as it turns out, lots of people like the idea of sexy female warriors and lots of them are in metal bands. Luis Royo alone must have made a few bob out of CD cases. 

Smoulder - Times Of Obscene Evil And Wild Daring (USA 2019)

This is one of those covers that makes you wonder at the story being told.

A beautiful but fierce woman brandishing a sword that apparently cuts reality menaces a tied up man .
Why is she so mad at him?
And why is the horse terrified of a wall?

Mjolnir - Whispering Sorcery (NL 2000)

I though Valkyries were generally more solidly built and wore winged hats.
I bet she can't even sing soprano.

Having said that, if this young lady turned up to collect your soul would anybody object?

"I'm ready to be taken to Valhalla now."
"But you're..y'know..not actually dead. Also you're a baker."
"Gimme five minutes. Just off to punch that berserker in the dick."

Beast In Black - From Hell With Love (Finland 2019)

Your definition of Love is a lot different from mine. 

Claymorean - Unbroken (Serbia 2015)

The Dark Lord's favourite general celebrates another victory.
The Dark Lord's general is now looking forward to a nice hot bath to wash away the stink of blood and winged hellbeast.
They look metal as fuck  but their fur brings her out in a rash.

Europica - Part One Hungary (2017)

 I've decided that the blonde in the white dress is some sort of Goddess, which is why she's riding a white, Aurochs.
Is it just me or does that Aurochs look very pleased with himself?
He clearly thinks he's the star of this picture and ya know what - I think he's right.    

Booxe Control - The Lizard Rider (Germany 2016)

Oh come on. using a frigging Assault rifle is just cheating.

Let me know if there's any themes you want to see and I'll see what i can do.

That's all folks. 

Heavy Metal Cover Girls: Even more warrior women

Just for the hell of it, how about another Heavy Metal Cover Girls post?

(Which, for those currently wondering, is where I post a selection of album covers starring attractive women and comment on each. )

I've decided to revisit an old favourite because...well, it's a favourite and there's been some interesting new covers come my way lately.
Yep. we're doing Women Warriors again.

   Симфония Ветра - Перекрёсток эпох (Ukraine 2018)

(Simfonia Vetra - Crossroads of the Ages)

 "This is a good sand castle" she thought sadly "A shame I have to go off to war and leave it to be eaten by the incoming tide."
In darker days to come, she would think of her sand castle often and promise herself that she would return to this beach and rebuild her castle.

Heavy Metal Cover Girls...On The Road

In case you're wondering what this is all about, on HMCG  I post covers from Metal/Rock albums. The basic idea is to show how different bands and different artists can visit roughly the same theme in different ways, depending on what mood they want to create.
 Or they just wanted something "Awesome and sexy. dude" on the cover of their album. Whatever.

While I've been doing this I've noticed a few interesting things. The first  is that if one band uses a theme, no matter how niche, so will others. That's why I've been able to do entire posts about Blindfolds, Mermaids, Women with Scythes and so on.  More on that in a minute.

 The other is that you can tell a fair bit about the band depending on what their cover girl is doing.  A woman in a ballgown weeping in a fountain just doesn't suit a hair metal band ...although a close up of a woman's thong-wearing butt is a different matter entirely.

  For today's post, the theme is "Girls waiting by the roadside." Or in the middle of the road. Or in close proximity to a road. "Roads" basically.
  It took a while but eventually I ended up with enough covers that used this theme to make a post happen.
What's really interesting is that you have some covers that are very close to each other in idea and execution but the artist still put a different spin on each one.

 I like to think that album covers are a snapshot from an ongoing story.  So what stories are being told here?

 King Company - One For The Road (Finland 2016)

 A country gal with a most alarming bra heading off to make her fortune in the big city. 

She packed so light, she didn't even take a shirt with her. 

Heavy Metal Cover Girls...Invite You In

A while back I did an HMCG post where the theme was "women holding out their hand to offer something."

There was more of them than you'd expect.

Anyway, I sorta promised that I'd do a second post looking at a slight variation of the theme and here it is.

What I'm looking at today is cover Girls who are holding out their hand in offering but this time, what they're asking is this "Take my hand. Come with me. Maybe I'll take you to paradise. Maybe I'll eat your spleen."

 Edge Of Paradise - Immortal Waltz (USA 2015)

 I know there are people who might jump at the chance of ballroom dancing for eternity but I'm not one of them. So I'm just gonna go, OK?

Manticora - The Black Circus pt 1. Letters (Denmark 2006) 

Is that clown in the doorway? Oh hell no. I don't care if this is just a regular circus and not a Ray-Bradbury-creepy-fucking-nightmare-hellshow. Still not going in.

SkyLark - Divine Gates Pt V Chapter 1. (Italy 2013)

 Probably the least sinister cover on this page. 

I like to think she's inviting a weary traveller to a picnic with squash and nice sandwiches. 

Mactätus- The Complex Bewitchment (Norway 2000)

..And we're back to scary ladies again. 

Especially those eyebrows.

Helltown - Lead To Hell (Brazil 2006)

The very definition of mixed messages. 

One the one hand, sexy blonde metal chick who has a phobia of bras..

On the other hand, every single other thing on this cover..

Graveshadow -Ambition's Price (USA 2018)

"Knife? What knife? 

You mean this knife?

I'm ...making a Goulash. 

Wanna try some.

Just step in range..shit---I mean closer."

That's all folks.