The Olympics - And How To Make Them Less Tedious.

Next year the Olympics take place in London. While some people might relish the thought of every single TV channel being clogged up with skinny people in Lycra, I'm not so thrilled. So I sat down one day and came up with some ways to make it more relevant, more exciting and generally less bloody boring.
1. Shooting events will take place with Uzis. All competitors will gain extra points for diving over obstacles and delivering one-liners.
2. The marathon and the long distance cycling will take place simultaneously.
3. On the same track
4. In opposite directions.
5. Amateur wrestling is quite boring. To remedy this, the women’s event will be held in a paddling pool full of whipped cream while the men’s event will be inside a steel cage.  Wrestlers will gain extra points for getting the crowd to chant their catch-phrases.
6. The wrestling final will be held under No-rope, Barbed Wire, Landmine, Cactus, Firebrick Death Match Rules.
7. Beach volleyball can stay the way it is.
8. Since Olympic walking is already quite silly, the only change will be to play the Benny Hill theme as it’s happening.
9. Sailing: Extra points will be given for boarding competitors.
10. On the same principle, each rowing team will be given a fat bloke with a couple of drums and a boat with a bloody big spike at the front. Draw your own conclusions.
11. 30% of the American and Australian teams will be disqualified at random before the games start. Just to teach the smug gits a lesson.
12. Fencing events will take place in a randomly chosen area of the city, preferably with a staircase.
13. Extra points will be given for disarming your opponent then flicking his sword back to him with a wry smile.
14. Competitors from countries like Kiribati and Andorra will be given a nice medal just for turning up.
15. Under no circumstances will the British be allowed to play that bloody dirge of a national anthem. Substitute the Sex Pistols version instead.
16. Archery will take place from the back of ponies.  
 Without saddles. Expect the Sioux to win big.
17. Karate, Tae-Kwondo and Judo will be rolled into one no-hold barred event and will be held in the car park before an audience of bikers and drug-dealers.
18. The following events will be scrapped: Tennis (because it’s boring) Basketball (mainly to piss off the Septics) Football (We already have a World Cup, guys) and the Three Day Event. (Because I don’t understand it)
19. Actually we might keep the Equestrian events because posh birds falling off horses are always funny.
20. The steeplechase will have some proper obstacles dammit. Come to think of it, we can roll it in with the showjumping stuff and have the riders chase the runners. Add polo mallets and we could be in business.
21. New events: Air Guitar, Gut-barging, Poledancing, pie-eating and run-what-you-brung motorcycle racing.
22. Plucky and entertaining losers would be given an automatic entry for the next year.
23. Instead of the host country displaying its history and culture wouldn’t it be a better televisual spectacle to wheel out a few of their top bands. Gives us a better chance of hosting the Olympics and stuffs the French big time. Name a decent French band, go on.
24. The closing ceremony will be replaced by a big piss-up. It would be in the true spirit of the Olympics to have the worlds top athletes hugging each other and mumbling “You’re alright you are…”
25. And the Yanks will not be allowed to hold it again until 2084.